Hold My Hand

by AC Oswald

  “Please be honest with me.” Bethany already felt tears well up in her eyes. She knew Savannah inside out. Savannah was lying. Oh, how she had wished to be wrong about this.

  With a cold, even serious expression, Savannah put the phone back on the table and got up from her chair. “I guess it’s for the best if you leave now.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m asking you to. Because I didn’t invite you. Because you can’t just show up here like this and accuse me of shit. We’re not together anymore. I’m trying to forget you!” There was more than hurt in Savannah’s voice. She was angry. Hurt. Close to breaking.

  Bethany stuffed the phone back into her jeans pocket and walked over to Savannah. She rested a hand on her shoulder.

  “I didn’t mean to upset you. I just wanted to say that if you feel like you can’t be honest with me, if you feel like you don’t want this and you need to hide things from me, then—”

  Savannah narrowed her eyes. “You know nothing, Bethany! Nothing, okay? So shut up and stop trying to find answers that are impossible for you to find.”

  It was as if she had been slapped in the face. She stared at Savannah and hugged her bag tightly in front of her chest.

  “What happened to you?” Bethany whispered, quickly brushing a tear away. “You used to be so honest. You once told me you always try to be honest with people, so why can’t you be honest with me? Why can’t you just tell me that you don’t give a fuck about me and let me go?”

  Savannah looked her straight in the eyes. Brittany thought she looked as if she were about to cry.

  “Don’t you think I’ve tried that?” she asked her, her voice shaky. “Do you think this is easy for me? Do you actually think I don’t give a damn? Fuck it, Beth, you’ve always been the only fucking good thing in my life.”

  Bethany broke eye contact and looked at the floor. “Then why? I don’t understand, please, I just… I don’t understand.” She didn’t want to sound so vulnerable, so desperate.

  Savannah sighed, looking defeated. “She’s my doctor, Beth.”

  Bethany looked up, puzzled. She was beginning to get scared.

  “She’s my doctor, not my girlfriend. She never was.”

  “This makes no sense,” Bethany said slowly.

  “Bethany, I’m…I’m sick, okay?” Savannah’s hand was shaking as she spoke, and she stepped away.

  “Why sick? What’s wrong? Do you have a flu? My mom knows about some great meds. I could—”

  “It’s no flu, Beth,” Savannah answered, her voice softer again, as if part of her anger had evaporated. “The real Loredana is an oncologist.”

  Bethany’s mind went blank. Oncologist? What was that again? Damn it.

  “Onco…onco what?” she whispered, embarrassed.

  “A doctor for cancer patients.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I think you do.”

  No. It can’t be true. It’s not.

  “How bad is it, Savannah? You’re gonna be okay again, right? It’s gonna be fine. You’re gonna be fine. They can do a lot for cancer patients these days, can’t they? Savannah, will you just answer me, please?”

  “There’s only so much the doctors can do, Beth. They have done their best, but—”

  “Don’t fucking finish that sentence!” Bethany suddenly yelled. She hated using swear words, but it was too damn hard to hold them back.

  “Don’t you dare finish that sentence and tell me that you’re fucking dying, Savannah. Don’t you dare tell me that you broke up with me, knowing you were going to die, to suffer all on your own. Don’t say it, or I don’t know what I’ll do. I—”

  Savannah stepped a little closer and put her index finger on Bethany’s lips. “Shush.”

  She seemed to collect her strength. Then she finally managed to say what they both already knew.

  “I’m dying, Beth.”

  The words felt like a knife in Bethany’s chest. This had to be a cruel, fucking joke. She could have lived with a lot of things, but this? No. Just no.

  “You’re lying again. This is not funny,” Bethany said, her voice numb.

  “I’m not lying. For the first time in a long time, I am actually being honest with you.”

  She didn’t try to hide the tears anymore that were now running down her cheeks.

  “I’m dying because of liver cancer, and I’ve known for quite a while. And I wanted you to move on without me. I wanted you to live a happy life.”

  “You what?” Bethany growled. She felt her face turn red, felt heat flush through her veins and to her cheeks. “You’re actually telling me that you broke up with me because you were dying? What kind of messed-up shit is this? No!” she cried. “Savannah, no! You cannot die. There have to be ways to make you okay again!”

  “See?” Savannah said softly. “This is why I didn’t tell you. This is what I wanted to avoid. I couldn’t bear to have you go through this, to see that look on your face, to see you so scared. I didn’t want this.”

  Bethany was crying bitterly now. She pushed Savannah’s hand away when she tried to stroke her arm. “You fucking broke up with me because you didn’t trust me to be there for you. You fucking broke up with me even though you still loved me and I loved you with all my heart. And you just pushed me away, made me feel guilty, and made me wonder what I’d done wrong. You made me wonder every single night what I did to deserve this, if I’d failed you. You break up with me and don’t tell me you’re fucking dying!”

  She was yelling again. She didn’t even recognize herself anymore. She knew she had never felt this way before. She had been sad and had felt crushed when Master Purr had died. She had felt desperate after her breakup with Savannah. But this? She hadn’t thought she was capable of feeling this strongly, of feeling this terrible.

  “I could have been there for you. I would have been fucking there for you. But you didn’t even ask me! Didn’t you think I had a right to know? We could have fucking been together, and you just stole away a year of my life with you. You’re crazy, Savannah. You’re fucking crazy!” She wasn’t used to feeling so much rage nor being unable to control her own words.

  Savannah looked down at the floor again.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “How much longer do you have?” Bethany sobbed in a high-pitched voice, terrified to hear the answer.

  “They can’t really say. Maybe a couple more months. Maybe a year. I don’t know.”

  Bethany felt her fingernails dig hard into her flesh. “Why did you do this to me?” she whispered. “Why?”

  It wasn’t a question that required an answer. There were no answers to any of this.

  Savannah grabbed her hand and squeezed it tightly. “I never stopped loving you, Beth,” she told her. It felt as if there were no oxygen left in the room.

  Then, before Bethany knew it, Savannah’s lips were on hers. She was pressing her softly against the wall.

  They didn’t move, not even their lips. They just stood there, pressed against each other, hearts thundering.

  For only a moment, Savannah was with her again—her Savannah, her skin, her smell. They were so close. For only a second, it felt like home, as if it could all be okay, as if this were just a fucking nightmare. As if the whole past year had been just a stupid dream and when she opened her eyes, they’d be happy again. They’d be in their living room, about to cook dinner together, about to plan their future.

  But she knew that once she opened her eyes again, reality would hit her once more. Savannah would still be sick. They’d still be broken up. Savannah would still die. And she was still dating Amber.

  Amber.

  Bethany woke up from her reverie and softly pushed Savannah away.

  “I can’t,” she whispered, her
whole body feeling hot. “I…I have to go.”

  Savannah didn’t say anything, didn’t try to hold her back. She just stood there as Bethany ran out the door.

  Bethany ran along the streets, not even knowing where she was heading. She ran as fast as her feet would carry her until she felt completely exhausted and bent over to catch her breath. She could feel her pulse hammering in her temples, could feel her chest closing up.

  She looked around and saw cars driving along the streets. People were talking to each other, chatting about the weather. Kids were on their bikes. Old couples and their dogs strolled on the sidewalks.

  Life was still going on for everyone else. The whole city was entirely unaffected by what she had just found out. But for Bethany, everything had changed from one second to the next. A part of her felt as if she had died, and she had no fucking idea how to handle it. No idea at all.

  Chapter 5

  As much as Bethany wanted to, she couldn’t pick up the phone. She knew she owed Amber an explanation, and she wanted to tell her everything, but Bethany didn’t feel as if she could talk about any of this yet. At least not with Amber. She couldn’t put into words what she was feeling.

  There was a feeling of betrayal because of Savannah’s lies, yes, and sadness because of her illness. The terrible desperation because she couldn’t do anything about it was killing her.

  She knew she truly cared for Amber, but Savannah’s confession, well, that changed everything. Bethany knew one thing for sure: she never would have broken up with Savannah. She had always been sure that Savannah was the person she loved most on this earth, and she would have been there for her through thick and thin. The fact that Savannah still loved her, that she had never stopped loving her, made everything entirely different.

  Savannah was dying. The love of her life was dying. And she had lied to her about it.

  There were no tears left; her eyes were dry, yet she couldn’t stop sobbing. It was still hard to breathe, and her body shook until her chest hurt. Her throat ached too.

  Whenever she managed to calm down, whenever she managed to empty her head a little, the thoughts kept coming back: awful thoughts about Savannah’s funeral; awful thoughts of a world in which Savannah Cortez didn’t exist anymore. Then it started all over again—the panic, the lack of oxygen, the need to throw up.

  Part of her wanted to pack her bags, wanted to bang against Savannah’s door and beg to be let back in. She wanted to hug her and never let her go, and snuggle up with her under the covers. They would just lie there and hold each other forever, until the very last day. They’d shut out the world completely and be around each other 24/7 to make up for the year they had stupidly lost. Bethany wanted to forgive Savannah for that, though it was a hard thing to do. A year had been taken away from her, a year she could have spent loving and supporting Savy through her illness.

  Bethany did not go back. The bad thoughts kept controlling her mind, and all she wanted was to find a way to escape them, a way to get rid of a pain she had never experienced before in her life.

  She had never been a fan of getting drunk to cope with her problems, had never used alcohol as a way to forget, but even Bethany had to admit that there was only so much a person could take in one day.

  She wasn’t used to drinking, so it didn’t take her long to get to the state where the world started spinning. She had bought a bottle of tequila and sat down on a bench in a quiet area. She drank until she knew she couldn’t take another sip without having to throw up.

  Her face felt warm, her ears hot, and her vision blurry, but the pain remained. Why did people do this? Why did they drink when they felt bad? Bethany still felt bad, but now she also felt sick and dizzy.

  Her hands were shaking, and she wanted to get away from this place, suddenly scared of being alone.

  She knew she could call Amber. She knew she could take a cab home. But right now, there was only one person who could truly be there for her.

  Bethany knocked at the door of the house she had grown up in. Her fingers were weak, and making a fist hurt. She tried knocking again, but the tequila made her feel as if her entire body were wrapped in cotton candy. Everything was happening in slow motion.

  “Mom,” she whispered. The sobs were shaking her body like hiccups, and the alcohol made it hard to see. “Mom! Mom, please open the door. It’s me.”

  She could hear music from the inside, could hear her mother’s singing voice.

  Bethany grabbed her phone, ignored Amber’s five missed calls, and dialled her mother’s number with shaky fingers.

  It took a while for the music in the house to stop playing and her mother to answer the phone.

  “Sweetie!” she said. “How are you, darling?”

  “Mom, I’m outside. Please let me in.”

  “Oh, how nice. Give me a sec.”

  The door swung open seconds later, and Bethany could see the smile on Eliza Peters’s lips fade as soon as she looked at her.

  “What on earth happened, baby? Oh my God, did Amber cheat on you? I swear I’ll kick her skinny little ass. I might be almost fifty, but I’m still in good shape. I can take a—”

  “You’re fifty-three, Mom,” Bethany slurred before the tears started running down her cheeks again.

  “Details…” Eliza mumbled.

  Bethany supported herself against the doorframe.

  Eliza frowned. “You’re drunk, aren’t you?” She sighed. “C’mere.”

  Eliza dragged Bethany in for a hug, softly stroked her blonde hair, then kissed her forehead.

  “What is it with you and your girlfriends? I don’t understand it. Don’t they see how amazing you are?”

  “It’s not that. She didn’t cheat on me,” Bethany mumbled, burying her face in Eliza’s sweater. “In fact, neither did Savannah.”

  Eliza looked puzzled, softly pushing Bethany back to look at her face.

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s…it’s Savannah. She’s…”

  More high-pitched sobs escaped Bethany, and she felt like a child again. Like a five-year-old girl who wanted her mother to tell her that everything would be okay, to come and fix her crushed little world. Except that no five-year-old ever got drunk on tequila.

  “I should have figured. Shush. I should have known that no other person on this planet would cause my daughter so much heartbreak. Oh, sweet baby. You’re still not over her, are you? I think it’s time for jimjams and some food to sober you up.”

  Bethany nodded.

  The phone was vibrating again, and Bethany drowned it with a pillow.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to pick up, honey? That’s so unlike you. You know you have to tell Amber about this.”

  Being able to talk to her mother and hearing her advice had made the tight feeling in Bethany’s stomach a little more bearable. Eliza had been there for her during the breakup from Savannah and had supported her during all her ups and downs—her mother’s opinion mattered.

  “I want to tell her, and I will. Of course I will. Right now it’s hard, though, because I don’t know what to say to her.”

  Her mom nodded. “You don’t know if you still want to be with her now that you know Savannah still loves you.”

  Bethany raised her head.

  “What? No! No, of course I want to be with her, I love her, Mom. I do.”

  “I know you do, honey,” Eliza replied. “But people can love more than one person, you know? Your love for Savannah never disappeared. It’s still inside you. All the old feelings are coming back, and it makes everything different. And it’s mixed with the fact that Savannah is sick. I’d never blame you for being confused, sweetie.”

  Bethany was rubbing her temples now. She thought about popping some painkillers to get rid of the constant throbbing.


  “Maybe you should tell Amber that you need a break, that you need to figure things out—”

  “Mom! I know you loved Savy like your own daughter, but I can’t just break up with Amber, I can’t. It’s not right. I want to be with her. She’s always been good to me. And even if I can’t deny that I still have feelings for Savy, she hurt me. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair what she did to me.”

  The alcohol made her more emotional than she already was, and Bethany hated that drinking could have such an effect on her. Wasn’t it supposed to make her forget, rather than feel twice as bad?

  Eliza sighed. “You’re right. But then you should really pick up your phone the next time Amber calls!”

  “I will,” Bethany agreed. Suddenly, she pushed Eliza’s arm away and quickly got up from the couch.

  “Where are you going?” Eliza asked.

  “I think I have to puke.” Bethany held her hand in front of her mouth, just in case.

  “Honey, wait. I’ll hold your hair!”

  Savannah was still sitting in her living room, not able to move. She had spent the entire day staring at the wall. All she could think of was the expression on Bethany’s face and the feeling of Bethany’s lips against her own. She felt paralyzed.

  The emotions, the fear she had seen on Bethany’s features—they had been the main reason for this whole damn lie. She was sure she’d never be able to delete this from her memories.

  Then again, how was she supposed to forget and to delete any memories at all? There wasn’t enough time to forget before she’d be…well…gone.

  She swallowed hard.

  This wasn’t worth it. This earth was a miserable place, a place in which she had taken away happiness from the one person who made everything a little better. She hated herself for it. She hated her body for doing these things to her, to them. She was destroying another person’s life.