Hold My Hand

by AC Oswald

  “Here,” Savannah said proudly as she shoved a piece of paper over to Bethany.

  Bethany took the list, smiling excitedly, to see what her friend had come up with the previous night. She scanned each point on the little paper and couldn’t help but frown.

  She read it again. And another time. But the disappointment was clearly displaying on her features.

  “What?” Savannah raised an eyebrow.

  “Nothing. Just—is that really what you want to do? I mean, these are your dreams?”

  “What’s wrong with them?” Savannah asked, her voice not as happy as before.

  “I don’t know. I mean, do yoga? Buy a new car?”

  “My car is old. I’ve only ever bought used cars. I want something with all the extras.”

  Bethany cleared her throat before continuing. “Tidy the spare room and put up new wallpaper. Visit the Iowa Firefighters Memorial Museum. Eat the veggie lasagne at Toni’s Pizza Place,” she mumbled, shaking her head with every word that came out of her mouth.

  “What?” Savannah shrugged. “I’ve had a lot of free time on my hands in the past year.”

  “I don’t know, Savy,” Bethany started, her voice sad.

  “You changed your mind? You don’t want to do this anymore?” Savannah crossed her arms in front of her chest.

  “Of course I do. I just think it’s… I don’t know… I thought you had more, well, exciting things in mind.”

  “I think they are exciting, and it’s what I want to do.”

  “Okay,” Bethany gave in. “Then we’ll do them.”

  She put the list aside and took her phone out of her pocket to text Amber. Both of them were finishing their breakfast in quiet. “I’m gonna try to meet up with her soon so she and I can talk things out.”

  “That sounds like a good plan.” Savannah got up to clean the breakfast table. “You want to take a shower first?”

  “Yeah. Can I borrow a top?” Bethany asked. She didn’t want to get back into her biker clothes. Especially not when she was about to meet her girlfriend.

  “Sure thing. You know where the closet is. Pick whatever you like.”

  Bethany nodded and smiled, then headed to the bathroom to get ready. Her head felt empty as she was standing in the shower and letting the hot water rain down on her body. Amber had texted back, had told her to come over to her place whenever she had time. Bethany didn’t know what she should expect of the meeting. Should she mention Amber’s call right away? She didn’t know how much energy she was going to be able to put into this conversation. Her mind was still trying to imagine the next few weeks if all she was going to do with Savannah was learn how to knit or spend money on useless items that she knew Savannah neither really wanted nor needed. These were going to be her last months with her, their last chance to make things as good as possible for her, but it seemed as if Savannah had already given up, as if she saw herself as this sick person who had accepted waiting quietly for her last day.

  She turned around so the water was splashing on her face. Her eyes were pressed shut to keep herself from crying. She stood there until her skin turned wrinkly and the feeling in her stomach told her that she wasn’t ready to leave and face another disappointing conversation with a woman that meant a lot to her.

  When she was finally dressed, Bethany walked back into the living room, where Savannah had started cleaning. She wondered if this was a way for Savannah to distract herself. Savannah, who had always been a very chaotic person, with her clothes thrown all over the furniture and with huge piles of dirty dishes next to the sink, now seemed to be determined to have everything in perfect order. Maybe she needed it, this kind of clarity in her otherwise dark reality.

  “Want me to bring that down for you on my way out?” Bethany asked, pointing at the big garbage bag Savannah was tying up.

  “That’d be nice, thanks,” she replied. She gave her a half smile as she looked at the shirt Bethany was wearing.

  “You picked that out for me, remember? It was the day when—”

  “When we wanted to visit Joan, and I accidentally spilled my milkshake on your top at McDonald’s,” Bethany finished for her.

  “Yeah.”

  They smiled at each other before Bethany came a step closer to hug Savannah.

  “I’ll let you know how it goes,” Bethany stated, and Savannah nodded.

  “Good luck.”

  Bethany took the garbage bag and headed out the door before rushing down the steps of the hallway.

  Mrs. McPherson was cleaning the stairs with a wet mop. She glared at Bethany as if Bethany’s dirty shoes were ruining all of her work. Bethany was about to greet her when she suddenly lost her balance on the slippery floor. She let out a muffled scream as she fell down the last two steps. The garbage bag went flying through the air in slow motion and landed on the floor with a loud thud. The plastic ripped open, and the contents spilled all over the hallway.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me!” Mrs. McPherson yelled angrily, not bothering to ask if Bethany had hurt herself. “You better clean that up!”

  Bethany moaned a little as she rubbed her back, which hurt pretty badly from the fall.

  “I’m sorry,” she mumbled and immediately tried to collect the empty yogurt cups and banana peels that were filling the air with a slightly rotten smell.

  “Typical. Always trouble. Always the same,” the elderly lady muttered.

  Bethany rolled her eyes, not really sure how to get the trash back into the broken bag, let alone carry all of it outside to the garbage bin. Just as she was almost done, something caught her attention. It was a piece of paper with Savannah’s handwriting. That alone wouldn’t have been too unusual, but she could make out the word “motorcycle” on top, which gave her a vague idea of what she was looking at. She straightened the paper, which was ripped in half, and felt a lump in her throat. The original bucket list.

  She didn’t have time to read what else was written on the paper as Mrs. McPherson gave her an impatient look and tapped her foot on the floor. There had to be a second half. Where was the second half?

  Bethany’s heart was beating faster, and she didn’t dare look at her ex-neighbor as she spontaneously emptied the whole garbage bag on the floor to dig in it for the second part of the list.

  “What on earth do you think you’re doing?” the woman shrieked in her red-faced rage.

  “Mrs. McPherson, please go back inside and feed your goldfish. I promise you I will clean everything up, and tonight when I’m back, I’m gonna scrub the whole hallway—twice—so clean that you’ll be able to eat off of it. Just please leave me alone for a minute.”

  “Unbelievable. Un-be-lievable.”

  Bethany let out a relieved sigh when she finally heard the door to her apartment slam shut.

  She would smell like trash once she arrived at Amber’s place, but she couldn’t care less. She kept digging and searching until she found what she was looking for, not able to hold back a loud “thank God!” as she finally held the second piece of paper in her hands.

  She held it next to the other one, just to be sure that it was the right one, and quickly stuffed both halves into her jeans pocket. She had no idea why there would be a second list, and she had no idea why Savannah had ripped this one in two and thrown it away, but something told her that it was important.

  Maybe something like fate really did exist? Maybe someone up there wanted her to find it?

  “New shirt?” The look on Amber’s face was cold as she greeted her, and Bethany didn’t miss the tone in her question.

  Silence.

  “It’s okay. I know it’s hers,” Amber told her.

  Bethany sighed. “Feels like we haven’t talked in a while,” she started, not able to hide the insecurity in her voice.

 
“Well, you were pretty busy,” Amber said slowly and sat down at the dining room table.

  “You were the one who left early yesterday morning, Ams. It was pretty obvious you didn’t want to talk to me.”

  “It would have made no sense to talk to you about our relationship right before you take Savannah to her doctor’s appointment,” Amber said. “That’s obviously more important.”

  Bethany nodded. “Yeah it kind of is.”

  What was Amber implying here? Was that sarcasm in her voice? Bethany couldn’t really tell, but it did piss her off. And it pissed her off even more that Amber would call Savannah after such an obviously important and possibly life-altering appointment.

  They were staring at each other, and the unusual coldness between them scared Bethany. Amber was such a warm and caring person. What had happened? “I know that you called her, Amber.”

  Amber let out an ironic laugh. “Of course you do. Of course she would tell you. Why am I not surprised?”

  “I sensed it, and I made her tell me. This is not her fault.”

  “Yeah, I get that you defend her.”

  “Oh my God,” Bethany shook her head. “How can you turn this around now? It was a coward’s move to call her. What did you even tell her?”

  “I’m sure she already told you all the details, Beth, so don’t play stupid.”

  Bethany’s eyes widened at the other woman’s words, and she felt herself tear up.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that,” Amber quickly said.

  “Okay, then what did you tell her?” Bethany whispered as she pulled at the sleeves of her shirt.

  “I asked her if she’s still in love with you, Beth.”

  Bethany felt her heart pound faster in her chest. “And what did she say?” The words had come out faster than intended, more hopeful than intended. She realized how she must have sounded, but it was too late to take it back.

  “She hung up. And I don’t blame her. It was pretty fucked up to ask her that.”

  “It was. God, Ams, she had a totally awful morning. The doctors told her again that there was nothing else they could do for her. And you call her and make her feel guilty for something that is absolutely not her fault?”

  “I’m sorry, okay? Geez, I’m sorry, but I fucking love you, Bethany. This is messed up. I didn’t mean to. You know me. Fuck, you know me, and you know that I don’t want to hurt anyone. But losing you? It hurts. It just hurts.”

  “But you’re not losing me. How many times do I have to tell you that?” Bethany blurted out, shocked to see tears in Amber’s eyes. She wasn’t sure that she had ever seen her cry before.

  “I already have.”

  Bethany gave her a puzzled look when she suddenly spotted the box on the floor behind Amber. She couldn’t make out much, just a few shirts she was sure she had seen in her own bathroom a few days before.

  “What’s this?” she whispered, pointing at it.

  “Stuff,” Amber breathed out, holding back a sob.

  “Are you…” She swallowed. “Are you breaking up with me?”

  Amber was looking at her, silent, tears rolling down her cheeks. She reached for her bag to get out her keys, removed one of them from its key ring, and shoved it over the table. The key to Bethany’s door.

  “Yeah. Yeah, I am.” Her voice was shaky but soft. “But I’m only doing what you’re too afraid to do.”

  “But that’s not true!” Bethany half yelled, not willing to take the key. “It’s not. No!” Her head felt hot. She didn’t want to let her do this. How could she do this?

  “Beth,” Amber started. She tried to smile. “I lost you the moment you saw her again. I know that. And the thing is that this has nothing to do with the fact she’s sick. It has nothing to do with the fact that you’re scared of losing her and want to spend her last months with her.” She reached out to take Bethany’s hand, and Bethany grabbed it, not wanting to let go, not wanting to be alone. “It’s about the fact that she’s your true love. And I come second. I’ve always come second.”

  Bethany shook her head. She tried to protest, but no words came out.

  “Even before you met her again, she was always going to be the one for you, Beth. I understand that now. And call me selfish, but I want to come first for someone.” Amber was smiling sadly and wiped away a tear. “I would love for you to love me the way I love you, but you don’t. At least not as strongly. And I’m going to let you go.”

  The words felt like a knife in Bethany’s chest. She quickly pulled her own hand away from Amber’s and crossed her arms in front of her chest protectively. Should she fight for her? Would it make sense to fight? Would it be unfair toward Amber to make her change her mind? She didn’t know.

  “So, are we going to stop talking now? Completely? You’ll never call me again?” Bethany asked, desperation in her voice as she tried to hold back a sob.

  “I don’t know, Beth. I’m sorry. It’s just… I don’t think I can do this. As much as I want to, and I want to support you as a friend because I know all this is rough for you, but…” It was obvious that words had left her, but it was just as obvious what Amber was trying to say. “I can’t do this.”

  Bethany suddenly knew she was going to be alone. She knew she couldn’t hold it against Amber. She couldn’t expect her to be more understanding. And fuck, of course she was right. Of course she loved Savannah more than anyone else in this world. And it was probably selfish to expect Amber to accept this and stick around. But she didn’t want any of this. She hadn’t planned this. She hadn’t expected to fall back in love with her ex. She hadn’t expected to want a future with the one person it was impossible to have a future with.

  Images of the upcoming years were flashing in front of her eyes. Years without Savannah and without Amber. And it scared the shit out of her.

  “Okay,” Bethany finally whispered. It was all there was left to say. She took the key wordlessly and removed her own key to Amber’s apartment from her key ring as she got up from the table.

  “Uh, here’s a bag for you. With some of your stuff that was still lying around here. If I still find anything else, I will send it to you, of course,” Amber said.

  Bethany nodded. Tears were blurring her vision.

  Amber walked around the table, obviously unsure how to say good-bye. They stood awkwardly in front of each other. Then she took a step forward to wrap her arms around Bethany. Bethany’s body stiffened, and she didn’t move a muscle while Amber pressed her body close against hers.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered into the fabric of Bethany’s shirt, and Bethany closed her eyes, feeling entirely lost.

  She turned around on her heel, as she was not willing to look into Amber’s eyes again before she walked out the door. The weight of the bag felt so heavy in her hands, as if it were about to slip out of her fingers. It seemed to have become a theme. Everything was about to slip out of her hands. And there wasn’t much she could do about it.

  Her apartment felt empty when she stepped inside. Bethany had no idea what to do with herself and suppressed her tears with everything she had. She had cried too much in these past weeks.

  Amber had been the one to make her smile again after her breakup with Savannah. She had been the first person to make her feel loved again, to make her feel safe when she had been so lost. And now here she was, having lost another person that had meant so much to her.

  Her head was throbbing, and she popped in two painkillers, which she downed with a glass of water.

  What was she supposed to do? She couldn’t go to work to distract herself since she had quit in order to take care of Savy. To do a bunch of things on a list that she knew meant nothing to Savannah.

  The list!

  Her heart started beating faster when she remembered what was still wai
ting in her jeans pocket. She had completely forgotten about it over all this emotional turmoil with Amber.

  Bethany carefully pulled the two pieces of paper out of her pocket and searched with nervous impatience for some tape to glue the list together. It still smelled of garbage. Though the paper was dirty, the words were still readable.

  1. Motorcycle—check

  Underneath were several more points, and Bethany slowly started reading and imagining Savannah’s face as she wrote down all of her ideas the previous night.

  2. Design my own tattoo.

  3. Feed a koala.

  4. Learn to tie a knot in a cherry stem using only my tongue.

  (Bethany had to laugh.)

  5. Paint my front door red.

  6. Be in two places at once.

  7. Spend the night at an aquarium.

  8. Get a pink Christmas tree.

  She felt her heart grow a little warmer. Those things were cute. Somehow, it was so unlike Savannah to have such adorable wishes, but somehow, it fitted her perfectly. Somehow, they sounded like things she herself would put on her bucket list.

  9. Steal a school bus.

  10. Have sex in a hammock between palm trees.

  “Oh dear, Savy.” Bethany laughed and shook her head.

  11. Own a tiger.

  12. See the New York Jets win the Super Bowl.

  13. Ride in a stretch limo and drink fancy champagne.

  14. Let go of a floating lantern and make a wish.

  Bethany was still smiling, though she didn’t quite understand why Savannah would possibly rip this list in two and replace it with the most boring bucket list imaginable. Sure, a few wishes would be harder to realize than others, but they would try. Why not accept a little challenge?