by AC Oswald
“We should get back inside and warm up. I found the button for the heater,” Bethany said, smiling while her forehead rested against Savannah’s.
“Beth?”
“Hm?” Bethany sighed happily.
“Beth, we forgot to take a picture. For the book.”
Bethany pulled away a little and grinned playfully.
“Such a shame. What are we gonna do about that?”
Savannah smiled, laughed even, and her eyes were glowing.
“I’d say you better get that camera out here so that we can, you know, repeat the whole thing. Just for the picture, of course.”
Bethany smiled brightly.
“Whatever the lady commands.”
The rest of the journey, they couldn’t stop smiling.
They didn’t talk much, because there wasn’t much to say. But it was amazing to enjoy each other’s presence like this, with the taste of the other still lingering on their lips.
When they finally saw the Copperhill road sign, Bethany let out an excited squeak.
“We made it, Savy! We actually made it. We’re so good!” she chanted and squeezed Savannah’s hand a little harder.
“You are good, Beth. I slept for a few hours, and you made it all on your own.” Savannah smiled.
Bethany blushed. Savannah made her feel so good about herself. She was one of the few people in her life who had always believed in her.
It was almost eleven o’clock, definitely time for a late breakfast or brunch. Since it was a regular work day, the small town didn’t seem too crowded. They found a parking lot that was big enough to park the bus and started looking for a nice little diner.
They walked along the streets hand in hand, and Bethany eagerly took in her surroundings. It was a beautiful day, with no more signs of rain, and Savannah Cortez was beside her, their fingers entangled.
It didn’t take long for them to find a café where they enjoyed some toast and eggs with a warm cup of coffee, and Bethany knew that this was what she wanted. This. For the rest of her life. Go out for breakfast with this gorgeous woman in front of her.
The cancer felt unreal. Like a bad memory of a stupid nightmare.
Right now, it didn’t feel as if anything were about to change. It felt like the start of something great, not like the beginning of the end. As if they had all the time in the world.
After they finished their brunch, they continued their little walk, full and satisfied, until they finally spotted what they had been looking for, the reason for this whole trip.
“There it is!” Savannah told Bethany. “Exciting!” she added with a wink.
On the street in front of them was a long blue line painted on the asphalt. The official border between Georgia and Tennessee.
With a big smile, they reached the line, then followed it all the way until they reached a long bridge with a big, old green sign in front of it:
Ga. / Tenn. State Line—At this steel bridge, the Toccoa River becomes the Ocoee River.
Bethany looked at Savannah and grinned.
“We’re gonna be in two places at once and above two different rivers at the same time, Savy. How awesome is that, hm?”
“Very awesome,” Savannah agreed. “Come on!”
Savannah dragged Bethany with her by the arm as she started running toward the bridge.
Bethany giggled and followed her with fast steps until they were standing on the middle of the bridge.
“Got the cam?” Bethany asked, and Savannah quickly got out the Polaroid.
“Know what I think?” she added.
“What do you think?”
“It’d be even better if we kissed in two places at once,” Bethany told her before biting her lower lip.
Savannah laughed.
“Oh, I like the sound of that!” She held up the camera in front of them.
Bethany closed her eyes and sighed contently as Savannah’s lips found hers. Click.
She made a mental note in her head to scratch out the points on the list as soon they got back to the car.
3. Steal a school bus—check.
4. Kiss underneath a rainbow—check.
5. Kiss in two places at once—check.
Chapter 10
It was still dark outside. December had come, and it was getting colder every day. Savannah heard the wind rattling against her bedroom window and moved a little closer to Bethany, who was sleeping next to her in bed.
The red lights of her radio alarm clock illuminated the room just enough to make out the silhouette of her sleeping girlfriend.
Yeah. Girlfriend. Savannah figured she could call her that again.
Bethany was shifting a little on the mattress, and sometimes Savannah wondered if Bethany could feel her eyes on her. It was as if she were unconsciously trying to wake up whenever Savannah looked at her for a little longer, as if her senses were on full alert and her body was trying to wake up to be there for her.
When Bethany’s eyes fluttered open, Savannah kissed her forehead.
“Sleep some more. It’s early.”
Bethany came closer and nuzzled her head against Savannah’s chest. Then she wrapped an arm around her thin body.
“But you’re awake too,” she whispered as her fingertips were slowly stroking up and down Savannah’s bare arm.
Savannah sighed. Her chin was resting on Bethany’s head, and blonde hair was tickling her lips. She enjoyed being close to her. She enjoyed it so much because it felt so right to lie next to her; but something inside her kept holding her back.
Their trip in the not-so-stolen bus had been wonderful, and kissing Bethany had made Savannah happier than she had been in a very long time. But Savannah had been scared to take their relationship any further, and she couldn’t even explain why. It wasn’t that Bethany had tried to push anything. They had cuddled and had kissed every day, had stroked each other softly before falling asleep together, but Savannah had made sure to keep her clothes on.
She did want Bethany. She did want to feel her. But she wanted things to be as they used to be. She wanted to be the person she once was, not the woman she was now.
“I like the sound of the wind,” Bethany told her as she began kissing her fingertips. “It makes me want to stay cuddled up in bed with you all day.”
“Mm,” Savannah mumbled, and her heart beat faster.
What would it mean to sleep with her again? It would bring them so much closer. It would make things so much harder. Make it so much harder to let go.
Savannah could feel Bethany breathe against her neck, could feel her press herself even closer against her body.
The sound of the wind became louder, just like the sound of her own heartbeat in her ears. It felt as if Bethany were surrounding her completely. Her hands were slowly wandering up Savannah’s body while she placed soft kisses along her jawline.
Savannah pressed her eyes shut and tried to focus on the feeling.
It felt good. Fantastic even. But still, she felt her eyes get teary.
She wanted to tell her to stop. Wanted to tell her to wait. That it was a mistake.
The truth was, Savannah felt depressed.
Some days were okay, and some days were not so okay. Some days she just wanted to disappear. Of course, everything had become better since Bethany was back in her life; of course, she gave her so much strength every day. But as hard as she tried to fight the feeling, the sadness and self-hatred often washed over her, and there was nothing she could do about it.
Sometimes she felt like shaking Bethany, felt like telling her to pack her things and leave before it was too late.
Look at me. I have nothing to offer you! she wanted to tell her. What do you want here? Go and live your life, Beth. Go and be with
someone great. Go before I get weaker. Go before you see me lying in bed connected to machines. Before I’m too weak to eat—to talk. Just go!
In her head, she had so often yelled these words at her. But she also knew her head was screwing with her. She knew in her heart she wanted Bethany more than anything in this world. She knew she wanted to finish the bucket list with her. But some days, her body betrayed her.
She had tried to get up, tried to move on to another item on the list, but her body wouldn’t let her. It felt like being paralyzed. As if her head and body were no longer willing to cooperate. As if all she could do was stay in bed forever.
And Bethany had been so patient with her in these past weeks. She had tried to talk to her about her feelings, and when that hadn’t worked, she had tried to distract her. With silly things. With funny anecdotes. With movies. With freshly baked cookies. With everything she had.
At least they had managed to paint their front door red the other day. Savannah had felt a little bit better, and they had bought the shiny, red color together before dressing up in old, white clothes and arming themselves with two extra-huge paint brushes.
Bethany had folded them two big hats out of old newspapers. They had looked ridiculous but, Savannah had to admit, also ridiculously cute.
Of course the paint had ended up all over their clothes, their faces, their hair, and the hallway.
Mrs. McPherson had completely freaked out, had told them she’d call the landlord, but somehow Bethany had managed to calm her down. It was something she was really good at, calming other people down.
They had giggled a lot, had kissed each other with red-painted noses until Bethany had suggested showering together. And Savannah’s smile had frozen on her lips.
Bethany didn’t ask again.
Savannah was fisting the sheets now, trying to control her heartbeat and her emotions while Bethany was kissing her way up to her earlobe and softly caressed the skin with her tongue.
It was fucking unfair.
She was twenty-five years old. She wanted to shower with her girlfriend, wanted to sleep with her and enjoy it. Wanted this suffocating fear to go away. Wanted to live.
“Are you okay?” Bethany whispered.
“I’m so sorry,” Savannah replied. Looking at Bethany’s sad blue eyes hurt in her chest.
Bethany tried to smile and softly brushed some strands of brown hair out of Savannah’s face, behind her ear. She kissed her nose as her thumb lightly stroked along Savannah’s chin.
“It’s all right. Everything’s fine, okay? I promise.”
Nothing was all right. Nothing was fine. And they both knew it. But it was still good to hear Bethany say it.
Savannah nodded before Bethany’s lips found hers again. Just one kiss, telling her, “I’m here for you.” It was enough.
“I’m going to take a shower, okay?” Bethany asked. “And I have to run some errands soon.”
Savannah swallowed and nodded. She hated the thick lump in her throat.
Bethany got up, and suddenly the bed was empty and cold.
She wanted to tell her to come back. Wanted to tell her not to leave. To stay with her. To kiss her. To touch her. To make her forget about everything. To get her heart to slow down. But no words came out of her mouth.
Savannah closed her eyes again when she finally heard the water running in the shower.
Bethany was waiting in front of the white door, her hand resting quietly against the wood panelling. She swallowed, not sure whether to knock or just leave.
She felt a shiver run through her body, even though the building was heated and her coat was supposed to keep her warm. It was one of those fast shivers that started at the back of your neck and quickly shot through your spine, all the way down to your feet.
Then she knocked.
“Come in!” she heard the friendly voice from inside and slowly opened the door, still a little hesitant.
When she stepped inside, she could see the surprised look on Loredana’s face.
“Bethany?” she asked and got up from her seat. “Everything okay? Is Savannah—”
“Savannah is all right,” Bethany assured her and silently closed the door.
“Okay, good.” Loredana smiled and motioned Bethany to take a seat.
“How can I help you?”
Bethany tried not to be overwhelmed by the memories from her last visit and took a deep breath.
“It’s about Savannah, obviously.” She toyed with the scarf around her neck. “I wanted to ask you something.”
“What is it?” Loredana asked.
“Okay. So…” she stuttered. “Savannah and I, we’re doing this, well, thing. We’re kinda trying to do a lot of things like, you know, things she wants to do before…”
Loredana nodded.
“Savannah wants to see Paris,” Bethany blurted out. “But I don’t want to take her to Europe if… I wanted to check with you first. I don’t want to take her there if you think that…” She sighed. “Do you think it’s too much for her?”
Loredana smiled.
“I see,” she answered thoughtfully. “To be honest, Bethany, I’m not sure if it’s a good idea. You know, this would be quite a big trip, and while I think that Savannah’s been remarkably strong lately, I do think that a trip to another continent might come with a few risks. I’m not going to lie. I think that, in her condition, it might be safer to stay in this country.”
Bethany swallowed.
“I know there are good doctors everywhere,” she continued, “but it might get complicated. It might be better for her to stay as close to her own doctors as possible. I think you should consider it very carefully. It’d be a long flight, and most likely a lot of stress.”
“It’s okay,” Bethany interrupted her. “I understand. That’s why I came here. I was afraid you’d say that.” She looked down at her hands, which were shaking slightly, and bit the inside of her cheek. She had expected it. The doctor was right. She had to accept this, as sad as it was.
Loredana reached over the table to take Bethany’s hand. “I think it’s remarkable that you want to do this for her. I think it’s amazing what you two have and what a great support you are for her.”
“Yeah.” Bethany breathed out. “But it doesn’t change anything. I mean, there’s nothing I can do to make her better.”
“That’s not true,” Loredana told her and shook her head. “You’ve already done more than you can imagine. I mean, the latest test results were really good.”
Good? Good results?
“They were?” Bethany asked, barely able to hold back her excitement. “She’s getting better? Tell me she’s getting better!”
She knew Savannah was still in pain quite often. She was often tired, often weak, but maybe the medication really did its work. Maybe the doctors would change their mind. Maybe she could really try another chemo. Maybe it was that green tea. She had made sure that Savannah drank it every night before sleep.
Loredana closed her eyes for a second before continuing.
“No. I mean… That’s not what I meant.”
Of course not.
“Bethany. Savannah isn’t going to get better, but she’s not getting worse at the moment.”
“This is not exactly what I was hoping to hear now,” Bethany answered slowly.
“I know. But listen to me,” Loredana said, her voice calm and friendly. “It’s already a small miracle.” She smiled.
“You know, when Savannah was first diagnosed and then when the chemo didn’t do its work, honestly I expected her to have only a few more months left.”
Bethany stared at her, trying to stay calm.
“I expected her condition to get worse quickly, because the cancer had already spread that far. And e
ven though I’m still young, I’ve seen a lot of different patients in my career, a lot of patients with very similar conditions. And believe me when I say this, Savannah’s strength is amazing. It’s remarkable.”
It was good to hear her say these words, but it also hurt so much.
“And seriously, since you’ve come back into her life…” Loredana said, squeezing Bethany’s hand. “Since you’re back, it’s as if you’re giving her even more strength. It’s as if her body is fighting this cancer with every fiber. Things could be a lot worse at this point. But the way it looks right now, I am fairly certain that you will still have time with her. I mean, considering the circumstances. More time than I ever thought possible.”
Despite all her efforts to numb her emotions for the visit, Bethany, of course, couldn’t keep the tears from welling up.
“You can be so proud of what you two have and what it’s doing for her.”
Bethany brushed away the tears with her sleeve and shook her head. “But I don’t feel as if I can truly help her lately, I don’t. I mean, she’s so sad. Sometimes it’s okay, but then, like, she just sits there and stares. She doesn’t want to get up. She doesn’t want me to touch her.”
She made a fist in her pocket. She didn’t want to cry in front of Loredana again, for God’s sake. “I’m sorry. This is probably too much information,” Bethany quickly added.
“Hey, no, it’s all right.” Loredana was still stroking Bethany’s hand reassuringly. “But Bethany, trust me. This is normal. I know that Savannah loves you more than anything. I mean, I’ve never had such a close relationship with any of my patients, and it’s more appropriate to keep a professional distance, but I’m telling you this as a friend and not as her doctor, okay? Savannah always wanted to be with you, and all this strength she’s showing, it’s the strength she’s getting from her love for you.”
Bethany nodded. Stupid tears. Go away.