Hold My Hand

by AC Oswald

  Bethany wasn’t allowed to see Savannah in her dress before the wedding, yet she did not want to waste a single day without her anymore. They had agreed that she could come with them as long as she closed her eyes or turned around whenever Gloria or Savannah’s grandmother opened the curtain of the fitting room.

  Of course the “oohs” and “ahs” of the two women kept making her want to peek, yet Bethany was sure that this meant bad luck, so she stayed strong and occupied herself with some iPhone game in which you had to help a crocodile get enough water for his daily bubble bath. A maddening game.

  “Damn it, Swampy. Why do you have to live down there in the sewers anyway?” she mumbled, annoyed. “It’s dark there, and it stinks!”

  Gloria sat down next to Bethany as Savannah discussed with her abuela which dress made her boobs look bigger.

  “You okay?” Gloria asked.

  “No. I’m stuck in level twenty-seven. You wanna try?”

  Gloria smiled. “I doubt that I’m any good at this. Though that’s not exactly what I meant.”

  Bethany put the phone away into her pocket. “I’m okay,” she replied, though she wasn’t sure who she wanted to convince, Gloria or herself. “I’m glad you’re here,” Bethany continued. “Savannah wanted you here. Even if she doesn’t admit it. It means a lot to her. And to me.”

  Gloria leaned back in her chair. Her gaze wandered to the dressing room. “I feel thankful,” she said.

  Thankful? For what, exactly? Bethany had always been a very positive person, but even she had started to forget what to be thankful for these days. She was lucky to still have Savannah, lucky she was getting married to her. But thankful? She would be thankful for a sudden cure.

  “I feel thankful because…” Gloria swallowed, “because I know she has you in her life, Bethany. She’s had you when we haven’t been around. And you’ve been doing all these incredible things with her. I’m beyond thankful that she got to experience true friendship. That she got to experience true love.”

  Bethany nodded, a tiny smile on her lips.

  “I want you to know something. And I’m not sure when else I’d get the chance to tell you, so I’d rather tell you now.” Gloria sighed. “You’re my daughter too, Bethany.”

  Bethany felt Gloria’s hand on hers. Warm but a little shaky.

  “Whenever it…whenever it will…I…” Gloria struggled to get the words out. “You’re not alone. You’ll always be a part of this family, and you’ll always be welcome in our home. Don’t forget that, okay?”

  “I won’t,” Bethany replied. She wished she could help Swampy again, because she wasn’t supposed to get sad now. Not today. She was shopping for a wedding dress, or at least she was around people who were shopping for one, and there was no room for sadness that might bubble to the surface at any second.

  Gloria’s hand was still on hers when Savannah’s voice echoed out of the dressing room. “Mom! Get in here! I think we found it.”

  The following weeks had been quite eventful.

  Joan, the unofficial, self-announced wedding planner, was having serious problems with Gloria’s very strong opinion on everything. Gloria wanted everything to be pink, while Joan preferred yellow. Joan voted for a band, and Gloria insisted on a DJ.

  Bethany and Savannah had often been worried that Joan and Gloria would end up in an embarrassing catfight.

  Whenever they asked Bethany and Savannah to make the final decision, both of them agreed that they trusted their wedding planners and that they were both doing a great job.

  Of course, Savannah realized that, in front of her, everyone was trying to act as if everything were okay and under perfect control. No one wanted to upset her.

  A few months ago, Savannah would have been upset. She would have wanted to plan these things on her own, if only to show them that she needed no help. But something inside of her had changed.

  It would have been enough to have a small wedding, to sit at Toni’s Pizza Place with their closest friends. It didn’t matter. Savannah was thankful for every minute she could spend with Bethany, was thankful that she knew she could trust her mom and her friends to arrange the things they felt were important for her wedding.

  For her, it wasn’t about the greatest cake or the best music anymore. It was about Bethany, soon to be her wife. And her family. And Joan. It wasn’t the party that mattered as much as the people celebrating it with her.

  The only thing truly upsetting Savannah was the fact that her dress didn’t fit anymore. In only a few weeks, she had lost far too much weight. It felt as if the dress were swallowing her when she put it on.

  Her abuela was standing next to her, their eyes meeting in the mirror. Tears were starting to blur Savannah’s vision.

  “C’mere,” her abuela whispered. “Let me fix this.”

  Grabbing needle and thread, she looked at Savannah again, an encouraging smile on her lips. “No time for tears. My granddaughter is getting married. I want to see her smile.”

  For a while, she hadn’t been sure that she’d be able to do it. There had been days when she had been feeling too weak. Days when she had been sure that they had to cancel on all their guests. Days when she preferred rolling around in the wheelchair they had got her— just in case. For there were many days that weighed heavy on her shoulders.

  But now, when Savannah carefully stepped into the church and saw Bethany standing next to the altar, a new wave of power washed through her, right down to her bones. For a moment the pain seemed to be gone.

  Her father’s strong hands held her tightly on her right. Joan was walking by her left side, their fingers entwined. Nothing could happen to her. She was safe with them. Savannah looked around the church and realized that a lot of people had come. Old friends and work colleagues smiled encouragingly at her. The church was almost full. And then her eyes met Bethany’s. Blue comfort. Filled with so much love.

  Her father placed a kiss on her forehead before sitting down in the front row next to Gloria and her grandmother. Bethany’s mother was smiling at her and carefully dried a tear with her pink hanky.

  Bethany took her hand, and Savannah could feel her pulse speed up. Bethany leaned in and whispered into Savannah’s ear. “You look so beautiful. I can’t wait to say I do.”

  The reverend asked, “Miss Peters, Miss Cortez, are you ready?”

  Savannah smiled and took Bethany’s hands. “I’m ready.”

  “Courage is not the absence of fear. It means allowing yourself to be scared and allowing yourself to let love guide you, no matter what,” the reverend began.

  “There you go.” Loredana was done with the injection. “It’ll help you enjoy the next few hours a little more.”

  “Thank you,” Savannah replied, relieved to feel the painkiller immediately taking effect.

  Loredana had taken her into a side room to administer the injection. Savannah didn’t want her guests to worry about her. The bass of the music was surrounding her, and she took a deep breath before leaving the room. The party had been fun, but Savannah was also looking forward to being in bed with Bethany.

  “There she is,” she heard Joan call. Her friend seemed to be enjoying herself a lot.

  Joan got up, stumbled over to the DJ, and whispered something into his ear. He nodded and handed her his microphone. She cleared her throat and tapped her index finger on the mic several times. “Is this on? Hello?”

  A loud beep was echoing through the speakers, which resulted in a few guests groaning and putting their hands over their ears. “I think it is. Fantastic.” Joan slurred.

  “Well,” she started, a little louder this time. She smiled as she tapped her glass with a fork so hard that Savannah was afraid she’d break it. At least there was a doctor in the house, just in case Joan cut herself. “As the maid of honor, I think it’s tim
e for me to make a speech.”

  “What we have all been waiting for.” Gloria rolled her eyes.

  “I’m sorry, what was that?” Joan spoke into her microphone and took a step closer toward the bride’s mother. “You were saying something, Gloria?”

  Gloria shook her head and reached for her champagne. “Nothing.”

  “Nothing?” Joan repeated, faking a shocked expression. “That would be a first time!” she said before losing control and laughing out loud. Then she hiccupped.

  “Oh I’m sorry, it’s just—it’s just that you should know that Savannah’s mother has an opinion on everything. I won’t blame her. It’s her daughter’s wedding, after all. Yeah.”

  Joan stumbled, barely managed to hold her balance, and started to laugh again.

  “You sure you’re okay?” the DJ said as he came over.

  “I am fine. F-I-N-E!” Joan pushed him away. “I am fine because my best friends are married now, and I wanna say a few words, so puh-leaaase let me.”

  Savannah looked over at Bethany, who seemed very amused by all this. She was giggling and staring at their friend excitedly. Savannah had a weird feeling in her belly. She had known Joan long enough to know that this could easily turn into a disaster.

  “Bethany and Savannah!” Joan continued. “Savannah and Bethany. Savethany. Or Bethannah? Whatever you guys prefer.” She cleared her throat, and Savannah was worried Joan was going to puke in front of all of their guests.

  “Who would have thought that they’d get married? I mean, ten years ago they were the most popular girls at school, dating all the guys, sometimes at the same time—but hey, I always knew what was going on during those sleepovers. Wink, wink.”

  Some people laughed, but most were looking awkwardly at their tables or drinks.

  “And look at them. Seriously. They are both gorgeous. Gorgeous girls—nah, women. Let’s face it. We’re not getting younger, are we?” Joan seemed to be staring aimlessly, lost in thought, though she was smiling. “We’re not getting younger, but that’s the point of getting married, right? We decide that we have found the right person to grow old with. We stop caring about age. Because…because no matter how old we are, we love this one person. Even if he or she has wrinkles or is getting bald. We know we want to wake up next to this person for the rest of our lives.”

  Her tone was becoming more serious, and Savannah glanced over to Bethany again. The smile had been washed off her face, replaced by, well, what was it? She didn’t look sad. She was just staring at Joan, hanging onto every word.

  “You know what the best-case scenario is?” Joan asked the audience, though she didn’t seem to want an answer. “The best-case scenario is that your spouse is also your best friend.” Suddenly there were tears in her eyes.

  “And this is what these two have—a friendship which has always been so close, untouchable, even. Of course, I’ve always been their friend as well, but what those two had? It was special. Still is.” She paused. “It’s something everyone in this room can be jealous of.”

  Savannah looked around the room to see how Joan’s little performance was going down. Some people were nodding, most of them looked sad and serious.

  “It’s this deep friendship that brought them back together. And, fuck, it will always unite them, okay? Have you seen their tattoos?”

  Savannah was close to walking over to Joan and telling her that it was okay and that she could stop talking now. But somehow she couldn’t move. Somehow Joan seemed to have everyone under a spell.

  “Let me tell you something. If I’m ever lucky enough to find a love like what Bethany and Savannah have, I will die happy. Because I think this is what we’re here for on this miserable little place called Earth.”

  Joan was slurring again, the occasional sobs making it even harder to understand her. “We’re here for love. To experience it with our whole heart and soul.” She slumped into an ungainly heap on the floor, sitting and staring out into the crowd until she locked her gaze with Savannah’s.

  “Savannah,” she reached her hand out to Bethany, “Beth,” she said.

  Savannah stepped closer to Bethany and held her hand.

  “I love you, girls. So much. Okay?” Joan brushed a tear away with her sleeve. “And it’s an honor to be your maid of honor.” She paused. “Wow. Suddenly the title makes sense.”

  Savannah smiled.

  “I haven’t said it before, but I will say it now, because I’m drunk as fuck, okay?”

  Uh-oh. Savannah stiffened, her grip on Bethany tightening.

  “I don’t know what I’ll do once… I really don’t know. I just…”

  Savannah felt Bethany squeeze her hand back.

  “It just hurts to think about… It hurts. I just want you to… I want to come over to your house when we’re all, like, ninety-five or something. I want to see your children and spoil them with presents and be their favorite aunt. I want all that for you two. The whole thing. The real deal. I’m… Oh God, I’m sorry.”

  Savannah had never seen Joan like this before. She knew that whatever else Joan wanted to say, whatever else she felt, it was too strong for words. Especially now.

  “Excuse me, please.” The microphone dropped to the floor, and Joan ran out of the room. She was pushing some guests out of her way as she tried to get through to the door without meeting Savannah’s gaze.

  Two hours later, most of the guests had left. Bethany had tried calling Joan, but she hadn’t picked up her phone. At some point, Joan had sent a text.

  I’m so sorry. I hope you know that. It was a beautiful wedding and I love you girls. I’ll call you in the morning. Have a great night. xx

  They weren’t mad at her. How could they be? The day had been beautiful, it really had, and Joan had done her best to make all of this happen. The weather had been perfect, the decorations had been stunning, the food delicious. They had danced, Bethany’s head resting on Savannah’s shoulder. They had laughed. They had seen all of their friends, and Bethany knew how much Savannah had enjoyed their hugs, their friendly faces. She had wanted to see them one more time, had wanted to celebrate this with them.

  Now Bethany could see how tired Savannah was. She was very pale, but she was also happy.

  In the moonlight flooding their bedroom, she stepped behind Savannah to open the zipper of her wedding dress, let it fall down to the floor, and helped Savannah step out of it. She drifted kisses along her shoulder and felt the flesh tremble under her lips.

  Savannah was her wife now. That was all that mattered.

  It felt as if time had stopped. And there was nothing she wanted to do but lie down beside her and listen to the sound of Savannah breathing, to the sound of her heartbeat, so in time with her own. Bethany wanted to appreciate every second of it. She wanted to cling to this sliver of time.

  Savannah’s skin was so soft. So unbelievably soft. And she was warm. And she smelled fantastic. Bethany felt so much comfort lying in her arms.

  There was no way that it could ever feel different. Because this was the woman she loved with all her heart, with everything she had, and she needed her by her side. How would she live without her?

  Bethany let her head rest on Savannah’s breast while Savannah stroked her hair. She felt her head move up and down…up and down with each inhalation. She felt so incredibly close to her.

  Savannah wrapped her arms around Bethany and held her tight. There was no need to speak. Bethany already knew what Savannah was feeling, what she wanted to say—“I’m still here for you.”

  Please don’t go. Pretty fucking please, don’t leave me alone, please. The panic clawed at her. Then she felt the soft kiss on her forehead and closed her eyes. The panic receded.

  You weren’t supposed to feel like this on your wedding night, were you?

  But
then again, what was a wedding about in the first place? For Bethany it was simple—two people wanting to spend the rest of their lives together. Bethany knew that Savannah was the one for her. That she’d always be her forever person.

  Memories flashed by. Childhood days. High school days. First Kiss. First Fight. First Sex. Savannah laughing. Savannah healthy.

  Darkness was surrounding them. She felt more than shadows creeping in. “Thank you for being my wife,” Bethany whispered into the silence.

  Savannah softly stroked Bethany’s neck, and it was the most comforting feeling in the world. “I love you more than anything, and this has been the best day of my life,” Savannah replied.

  Slowly, Savannah closed her eyes, though Bethany knew she felt just as wide awake as she did herself.

  That was all they said that night.

  There wasn’t really much more to say.

  15. Talk to my grandmother again—check.

  16. Be your wife—check.

  Chapter 14

  “Look at the camera, Savy! Oh yes, that’s perfect! Oh my God, you’ll be so impressed when I show you these at home!” Bethany giggled excitedly, her thumb swiping from one picture to the next as she admired the perfect snapshots she had taken of her wife in the water next to a dolphin named Lola.

  The lady from Dolphin Therapy assured them Lola would take really good care of her wife. Savannah looked so happy in the pictures.

  “Beth, you should come back inside and put that camera away,” Savannah told her. Bethany could see the joy in her eyes. That spark that hadn’t left her since the day they had said “I do” to each other.

  They had been married for more than two months now, and even though Savy had been too weak to travel anywhere for their honeymoon, they had tried to enjoy each day to the fullest. They had decorated Savannah’s wheelchair together, and Bethany had rolled her around in the park, by the lake, or wherever she wanted to go. Loredana had checked in on them almost every night, to make sure she could help Savannah with the pain. And she had explained to Bethany everything she needed to know about the infusion so she could help too.