by Chris Flynn
Something similar must of happened with Olly ‘cos when we gets into town and the lads take us direct to some dive of a guest house they were obviously getting a commission from, Olly jumps off and says, we’re not staying here c’mon you two, what’s going on, Sigrid says, grab your bag, I told her, trust me you don’t want to be staying in this place we’ll find somewhere better down the road. The three lads were raging that we didn’t want to stay there but what could they do, Olly was striding away down the street I caught up to him with Sigrid trailing behind and says did they offer you a wee girl too, Oui, he goes, spitting in the gutter, putain de cochons.
What’s that mean, I goes, knowing it wasn’t good, fucking pigs, he says, c’est vrai, I goes, and he laughs, I’ll have to teach you some more phrases.
Aye sounds good, I goes, I like the words, where we going anyway do you know?
Nah, he says, but there must be an old hotel or something round here that the backpackers don’t know about. I want to meet some locals I hate all that backpacker talk, what countries have you done and all that, aye, I says, does my head in too, what’s with her then, he goes, nodding in Sigrid’s direction.
She’ll be away in the morning, I says, just helping her out, he raises one eyebrow then and goes, sure sure you’ll be helping her out of her clothes later on I suppose.
Give me a break, I says, she’s fucking gorgeous so she is, do you not think so?
Olly just makes a face and goes, if you like that type she’s too European for me, too boring, I’m into exotic women now. Sigrid catches up to us then and says something to him in the French, he laughs a bit and answers her back then winks at me and says, though maybe I could make an exception in this case.
It didn’t take us long to find this amazing old crumbling hotel, it was obvious no backpackers ever stayed there ‘cos the room we got for the three of us was dirt cheap and fucking huge, the ceilings were dead high, the whole thing was bigger than most houses back home, it wasn’t luxury or nothing, the place had a real rundown feel to it but I liked it. This is perfect, Olly goes. There were two beds, one double for me and him and a single for Sigrid, she was happy enough with that and didn’t seem bothered sharing with us. I suppose safety in numbers when you’re in a strange place is the way to go like.
Olly started on her about not relying on the Lonely Planet and how you could have a much better time doing your own thing and she goes, yeah I see what you mean, it’s good making your own decisions for a change, where do you reckon we can find something to eat I’m starving. Leave it to the Frenchman, Olly says, come on let’s go out for a look around.
It was good having a bit of company for a change. I enjoyed myself knocking around Satun even though it was no great shakes, Olly was on his best behaviour around Sigrid, he was a bit more respectful than I thought he’d be and I could see her relaxing around us, here she was in some pisshole town thousands of miles from home all by herself and yet with us two around there was no way anything was going to happen to her. Olly discovered a wee French bakery, unbelievable so it was, so we ate some aul croissants in this poky wee park and then found the bus station so Sigrid could get her ticket sorted out for the morrow.
We spent the afternoon sitting in a café drinking coffee while Sigrid wrote in her journal and Olly and me avoided talking about what we’d been doing lately, giving each other the sanitised version so to speak so’s not to shock the Swede. We had dinner and a few Changs later on, it was all very civilised I wasn’t used to that but it reminded me of how normal people live. Olly and Sigrid chatted in the French, I didn’t know what they were on about but I listened anyway and tried to pick up some words I was learning loads, by the end of the night my head was buzzing so it was. I hadn’t used my brain so much in ages, trying to keep the fucker switched off so I wouldn’t think about back home and that.
We got a couple of beers and took them back to the room. I had no idea what was going to happen, we’d been up since early that morning and I was about ready to crash but I was thinking should I make a move on Sigrid, sure she was leaving the next day and I’d never see her again but it was a bit funny with Olly being in the room, unless he went out for a walk or something there was no privacy. Anyway once we get in there it was dead hot and the aul ceiling fan wasn’t helping much. Olly flopped down on the bed and started searching through his bag for something to open the beers, whilst he was doing that Sigrid peels off her shorts and T-shirt and ties her hair up, does anyone need to use the bathroom I’m grabbing a shower guys, she goes.
Olly shakes his head without batting an eyelid at the sight of her standing there in her bra and knickers.
I’m all right, I goes, thinking fuck me would you look at that she had a fucking perfect body and she was all sweaty, I just wanted to throw her down right there. Off she goes into the bathroom anyway, I looks at Olly and he’s yawning.
I might listen to some music, he goes, and produces a battered aul Walkman. He puts the headphones on and props a pillow behind his head. In a couple of minutes he was snoring and I had to take the beer out of his hand so it wouldn’t spill on the bed. The best I could hope for was that he’d turn over and sleep through whatever hijinks Sigrid and I got up to, not that there was a guarantee of anything happening at all but I was certainly going to try.
She comes out of the bathroom five minutes later with a towel wrapped round her and her underwear scrunched up in her hand, good shower, I goes, thinking fucking hell nice line, it was okay, she says, you having one, aye good idea, I says, knowing that when a girl asks if you’re taking a shower what she means is you should take a shower. I was in and out of there in a flash ‘cos the water was cold but that done me good and I walked back out all nonchalant sort of thing with the towel wrapped round my waist.
Sigrid was sitting on the edge of her bed with the towel still on but she had one foot up and was running a wee nail file over her toes. I could see right up her towel and there it was, the holy grail, the sweetest little peach fanny lips I ever saw in my life and a wee tuft of creamy blonde hair above them. I don’t think she had any idea she was exposing herself to me, it wasn’t like she was doing it to get me going or anything she was so absorbed in what she was doing giving herself a pedicure or something, yon English bint could of taken a leaf out of her book.
I was stood there like some schoolboy waiting for permission and I started thinking fuck me what if she’s not interested and I have to climb into bed next to Olly with my bollocks hanging in the wind how embarrassing. She finishes up what she’s doing and puts her leg back down, thank fuck I was trying not to look. She cranes her neck to see what Olly’s doing and says to me, is he asleep?
Aye, he’s out for the count I goes, good, she says, and reaches into her wee toiletries bag. She pulls out a strip of four flunkies and tears one off all casual like, setting it dead careful on the bed.
What’s going on, I says, like a fucking eejit, come on, she goes, take your towel off and lie down here, well I wasn’t going to say no was I, so I done what I was told sure I’d a raging stiff one by this stage. Sigrid takes her own towel off, fuck me what a sight I could hardly believe I was going to do it with such a honey, casual as fuck she rips open the flunky and rolls it down my aul knob like an expert, no foreplay straight down to it, I says, she just smiles all cryptic like and says, no that’s too intimate, we don’t know each other. I wanted to say and sticking my knob inside you’s not intimate, love? but I knew to keep my mouth shut.
She fishes back inside her bag then and produces this wee tube of lube. She rubs it on my knob and then puts some on herself, it was a bit cold like but I could see where she was going with all this she just wanted a good aul slow screw, I could understand sometimes that’s the best, no pissing around, anyway she straddles me and slides my knob inside her, she winced a bit ‘cos she wasn’t dead wet or nothing but after a wee minute it was all good, the aul lube was doing its job and she lowers herself completely down the length of me and does this big exhale sort of thi
ng.
She just sat there with her eyes closed not moving for a bit but I didn’t mind ‘cos it was like having the fucking goddess Aphrodite sitting on your knob. I ran my hands dead gentle like up her sides and over her tits and stomach down to her pubes just stroking her, barely touching the skin, she put her arms up and pushed her fingers through her hair, biting her lip a wee bit, fuck me there’s an image you’ll not forget in a hurry Billy I was thinking, sure there’s not a single woman looks anything like her in Northern Ireland, maybe if there was a few thousand of them there’d be no Troubles, sure you don’t see the Swedes fighting the piece out or blowing each other up or nothing no wonder with honeys like this to keep them busy.
Anyway slow as you like she starts grinding on me, sliding up and down on my aul knob sure I was tensing it like fuck so’s to keep it hard to please her, it was fucking beezer so it was, she was going dead slow and rubbing her tits and putting her hand between her legs and moving her head around throwing her hair back and stuff, she fucked like a world champion and there was me just lying there watching all right obviously she wasn’t into me that much, she just wanted a stiff aul knob to bounce up and down on but I wasn’t complaining. I sort of lost track of the time, I was just glad Olly was sleeping.
She had control of my knob better than I did myself, the aul traitor was obeying her every command. She took it to the edge and then stopped for just a second or two with her back arched and eyes rolling back in her head, fingers digging into my chest and then she powered home hair flying all over the place. It wasn’t too bad for me either, I could hardly focus on her at all it felt like a fucking gallon of jizz flew out of me, the sensation went right up my spine into the base of my skull and all I could see was white light, it felt like the fucking sun had exploded inside my head.
I can’t even ‘member her climbing off of me, all I know is that she lay in the crook of my arm for a bit ‘cos her hair was in my mouth and just as I could feel myself drifting away with these warm waves rolling up my chest she gave me this wee soft kiss on the lips and whispered, thank you, fuck sake if she’d said marry me or write me a cheque for a million dollars or will you turn Fenian for me I’d of said yes anything anything you want just don’t move stay with me I hope this moment never ends, but instead I just fell asleep.
When I woke up the next morning she was gone. I was a bit cut up about it and Olly kept me going saying I was in love and shite like that, maybe I was, I didn’t care anyway. Sure I’d be in love with whatever come along next too and maybe that would just be for a night as well. The Swedish would just be another memory, some fantasy from the past I could hardly ‘member like I’d been living the life of some other fucker, a lucky one too, but someone that wasn’t me. With all I’d done, with all the shite that was in my head, I didn’t deserve any of this.
6
Olly wanted to travel on the local buses between towns and work our way slowly up to the Bangkok. I didn’t mind actually, sure I caught one of them fancier coaches one time and near froze my bollocks off. They had the aircon pumping it was like a fucking meat locker or something in there, all the westerners like me were in shorts and T-shirts and the Thais had to hand out blankets to keep people warm, it was fucking stupid so it was, sure the sun was belting down outside, just turn it down fuck sake I says but they wouldn’t. I couldn’t see the sense in it for the life of me.
The local buses were better as they took their time and went down the back roads so at least you got to see a bit of the aul countryside. Plus there was no backpackers on them only locals that were all curious about us, they didn’t understand why we weren’t on the coaches. We tried explaining to them that this way was loads cheaper and more interesting but they just didn’t get it, sure they think all westerners are loaded with money, one aul cunt asked Olly what sort of car did he drive in his country a BMW or Mercedes, he just laughed and goes, a bicycle what do you take me for, the aul bastard nearly died he couldn’t believe we didn’t have Ferraris and speedboats and villas on the Côte d’ fucking Azur.
I actually do have a vintage Mercedes in storage, Olly goes to me later, not that I’ll ever see it again.
Aye I says, whispering to him, my boss gave me his 5 Series Beemer when he got a new one but I had to torch the cunt, fucking blood all over the back seat, even Mr Muscle couldn’t get that out.
Some of the towns we stopped at were pure shite and there was nothing worth seeing or doing at all, no wonder they weren’t in the aul Lonely Planet but others were all right, at least they had a night market where you could get some good scran though finding skirt to satisfy Olly’s yellow fever was a bit harder so to speak. I don’t know why they call it yellow fever actually, I never met no one from anywhere in Asia who looked yellow to me sure I had darker skin than most of them, it’s just fucking aul racist talk I suppose, probably the English started it. Anyway the bus journeys were always a laugh, Olly would go and sit next to some Thai woman and try to chat her up, he must of done some of their heads in. I’d just sit and read my book and mind my own business whilst he got slapped in the mouth for sliding his hand up some girl’s skirt at the back of the bus.
The best was when these two aul ladies got on, sure we knew straightaway they’d been on the game you could just tell but they were well past retirement age now. They spotted us and came over to sit down they spoke English pretty good and they were a laugh, they wanted to practise their phrases probably so’s they could do a bit of business sort of thing. The one that was sitting beside me produces an aul phrasebook, it was ancient so it was, it didn’t even call the country Thailand it said Siam which was what the place was called until Hitler come along. It was like from the forties or something written for the western gentleman, fucking hilarious so it was, she gave it to me and then fell asleep on my shoulder like I was her fucking husband or something.
I flicked through and near pished myself laughing at the phrases they thought a man about town might need back then. It wasn’t like one of them French phrasebooks they have in schools, où est la piscine and all that shite, this was getting down to business. I would like to enjoy myself with a woman, can you get one for me? it says, aye right enough I was thinking, at least they’re honest. When will the Third World War break out? Fuck sake, sure when this was written the second one was still on and here they are worrying about the third and besides what would some Thai fella in the street know about that? How’re you supposed to answer that in 1943? Not for another couple of years probably pal don’t worry about it, anyway do you want to go and see a woman fire ping-pong balls out her snatch, you do, right just down here mate.
There was all this shite about gloves too. I can guarantee the durability of these gloves what the fuck’s that all about, were gloves a major export industry back then? Douglas Fairbanks acts very well indeed was another one. Jesus sure that shows how old it was, wasn’t he Tarzan or Robin Hood or something? The best was this wee exchange which I memorised in the Thai ‘cos it sounded dead handy.
I want a woman.
Yes, I shall find one for you. Do you like this one?
Yes, I like her very much. Call me a tricycle.
Fucking pisser that is, like. Imagine going up to some cunt in the street and saying I want a woman just like that and then wouldn’t you know he just happens to have one handy and she fits the bill, probably his daughter or his wife or something. Fucking disgusting this place I was thinking, sure they’ll sell you anything that’s not nailed down even the phrasebooks in the forties had sample conversations with pimps but the best part has got to be the bit about the tricycle, sure is that what they had for taxis back then, did yer man and his whore have to stand on the back whilst some wee Thai fucker pedalled like fuck to the nearest hotel, pure madness so it is, fucking economy based on glove-making and prostitution though they seemed to have done away with the gloves these days.
So we come to this wee town called Chumphon, don’t know where they got the names of these places from though I supp
ose they could say the same about our towns, Ballymena Armagh Glengormley or whatever, the only reason they don’t sound fucking stupid is ‘cos you grow up saying them, for all I know Antrim means knob jockey or something in the Thai.
Anyway we jumped off the aul bus in Chumphon and checked into this wee guesthouse down a back street though it seemed to be all back streets. The Thai girl on reception spoke dead good English, the best I’d heard. Olly tried to chat her up but she gave him such a dirty look he let it go sharpish. I felt sorry for her, I was thinking every western cunt that came into the place must of tried it on with her, what a pain in the arse. Anyway Olly heads on up to the room for a shower muttering under his breath and I hung back to say sorry to the wee girl.
Don’t pay him no mind, I says, sure he’s French.
So? she goes, is that an excuse for being a letcher?
Steady on love, I says, it goes both ways you know, sure I’ve been offered all sorts of services by the locals, I feel like a fucking walking dollar sign sometimes not to mention an aul perve, we’re not all sex tourists you know, it does my head in too.
She gave me a good looking-over then and let out a big sigh. Well sorry about that, she says, please excuse me for being so rude I shouldn’t jump to conclusions, she sounded a bit sarcastic but I waved it off, don’t worry about it, I goes, sure how long you been working here no offence but you sound dead educated or something.
Thanks for noticing, she goes, you’re right of course I shouldn’t be here at all but jobs in the tourist industry are about all a woman can get. I’m actually a chartered accountant.
You’re kidding me on, I says, sure what the fuck you doing behind the desk there excuse my language miss.
What. The fuck. Am I. Doing. Here. She said it all spaced out like that and straightaway I knew I’d be pals with her, sure I felt exactly the same way even though I was on the other side of the desk every desk has two sides to it doesn’t it though and sometimes one’s just as bad as the other.