by Chris Flynn
Is there no jobs in the accountancy then, I says, well I do a bit here, she goes, but getting into one of the big firms is basically impossible if you’re a woman.
What about in other countries, I says, sure your English is better than mine could you not go to the Australia or somewhere like that.
All very well saying that, she goes, but having the money to go is out of the question, I’ll have to work here for about five years just to save enough, never mind what you have to do to get a visa.
That’s proper fucked, I says, sure what sort of world have we created like.
Tell me about it, she goes. Anyway what’s your story, she looks down at the guest register and goes, Billy Montgomery, you don’t look much like the average fisherman-pant-wearing tourist. You look more like you just got out of prison.
Not a bad guess, I goes, but I was thinking fuck me is it that obvious maybe I should try blending in a bit more, anyway she had my number right enough so I figured there was no sense lying to her. Aye look, I says, I been in your country more than a year now sure I can’t go back home ‘cos I got into a wee spot of trouble over there. I’ve got money and that so I’m all right but still it’s a funny aul life just wandering from place to place with no rhyme or reason, you know what I mean.
I’ve seen men like you before, she goes, usually former soldiers looking to lose themselves for a while and forget who they were. Is that what’s happening with you?
It was a bit close to the bone, and when she said the words I knew that about summed it up. I suppose I was a kind of soldier even though there were some who would have said freedom fighter and others who would have said terrorist or paramilitary, I never really thought about it in them terms in fact I didn’t like thinking about it at all. Ever since Big Jim sent me over to the Thailand I’d had way too much time to think about what I’d done, never mind how good the beaches and the honeys were. Sure how many 23-year-olds would have fucked people up the way I done, fucking drill bits to kneecaps and baseball bats to elbows and bits of brain oozing out the back of skulls, it’s bound to affect ye in the end sure all I was doing was waiting for it to hit me and the only reason it hadn’t bothered me so far was that I was so desensitised to it from being a Loyalist from a young age. I’d probably need all my money just to pay for the therapy or whatever though fuck knows maybe prison or a Provo’s bullet to the head would’ve been better for me, sometimes I reckon the worst thing that can happen to a person is surviving.
Something like that, I says to her, it doesn’t bear thinking about really. I don’t know why I was being so honest with her, I didn’t even know her or nothing but it’s always the strangers you confide in, sure for someone like me there’s nobody else. Even with our Olly I had to watch myself, he knew plenty enough already.
Look I get off in half an hour, she goes, if you can lose your friend I’ll walk you to the night market for something to eat and make sure you don’t get ripped off or end up eating the arse end of a rat. I laughed, is that what them wee things were sure I didn’t mind them, I suppose they’re an acquired taste. You’re on, I says, I’ll meet you back down here in thirty. I feel bad now, I don’t even know your name. It’s Quan, she goes, a nice easy one.
Back in the room Olly was getting dressed in the aul sweaty clothes he’d just taken off but he’d cheered up a bit. Did you find out where the brothels are from that bitch downstairs, he goes.
Shut your gob, I says, do you not think about nothing else?
Look at the big man in love again, he goes. I didn’t know you were so soft, Billy.
Away and fuck, I says, I think we need a wee break from each other before I burst ye.
He leaned back on the bed then with his arms behind his head looking me up and down. You just let me know the time and place mon ami, he goes, you may be used to everyone shitting themselves when you get angry but I think you’ll find me a different proposition.
I was about ready to jump the cunt right there and then. I wasn’t scared of him or nothing but I knew if we came to blows we’d fucking wreck the place, it would be one of those big fights that lasts twenty minutes and we’d probably half kill each other, we’d both be down the nearest hospital for sure with broken bones and punctured lungs and what have ye.
Aye sure let me consult my diary, I says, and I’ll slot ye in, it’d be my pleasure.
He laughs then and gets up to put his aul manky boots on. Bon, he goes, I’m going out to look for some action, are you coming with me or having a candlelit dinner with your new girlfriend?
I just gave him a look and he raised his hands. T’inquiéte pas, he goes, je me casse.
Aye, I says, cassez-vous, conard.
He smiled then and says, no no you only use vous in a formal setting or if you’re addressing a stranger or using the plural. Because we’re friends you have to tutoyer.
Oh right that’s a bit complicated, I says, what do I say then, casse-toi?
Yes! he goes, that’s good, now you’re getting it.
So anyway right Olly fucked off to look for his own entertainment and I went back downstairs to meet Quan and we wandered up to the night market in the main square. I always liked them places, it was like every cunt in the town all descended upon the same spot to have a bite to eat and an aul yarn. Everyone seemed to know everyone else, it was one of them sense-of-community sort of deals. I wasn’t used to it sure the closest thing we had back home was when we all lined up to throw bricks at Fenian kids on their way to school through our estate, at least that was a bloody good laugh.
The aul scran smelt gorgeous so it did, the only problem was I didn’t know what the fuck half of it was and most of the Thais serving it didn’t speak much English if any at all. I learned pretty quick that if you said is this chicken they’d just nod and say yes! chicken! even if what you were pointing at had half a dozen tentacles. Having Quan with me made all the difference like. Not only did she know what everything was but she made sure we only paid the local prices, sure they add loads on for the farangs, that’s Thai for foreigners.
It was dead good, so it was, sitting there in the warm surrounded by loads of families and that, wee kids running about playing and dogs fighting with each other happy as you like. Most of the aul places you go in Thailand are all set up to cater for the tourists so you never get to see how the real people live, even though Olly was a pain in the arse at least his idea of working our way to Bangkok by local buses was sound, you felt like you were really seeing the country rather than the aul postcard version they spoon feed ye.
Problem was, poor aul Quan started to get funny looks from some of the locals. These three cunts went past on their mopeds and said something to her, I didn’t understand it obviously but I could tell from the tone it wasn’t complimentary. Some of the stallholders were giving her scolding looks too.
What’s the deal, I goes, what’d them fuckers say to ye? I’ll burst them if they insulted ye or something.
She scowled, not at me but at whatever was going on. I should have known better, she goes, I didn’t think.
What is it, tell me, I says.
Because I’m seen with you here people will think I’m a prostitute now.
I was fucking raging so I was. What do you mean, I says, sure don’t they all know ye, what would they think that for?
It’s stupid I know, she goes, but the way they look at it there’s no other reason for a Thai girl to be seen with a farang.
Catch yourself on, I says, that’s a load of aul bollocks. Sure we’re just friends having a wee bite to eat, there’s nothing funny about it. Is it not possible for you to be pals with a westerner without sex coming into the equation?
I know it is, she goes, but this is Thailand. She looks around dead nervous then, the lads on the mopeds were lurking down the road and revving their stupid wee engines. If you’re finished we should go, she says, I do not want to have a problem later. My reputation, you understand.
Fuck me I was mortified. I jumped up stra
ightaway, aye aye of course like c’mon let’s go I’m really sorry, Quan. I never thought of that.
We took the quiet streets to get back to the guesthouse, that was her idea I wasn’t keen in case them cunts on the mopeds tried to start something but I was so raging I’d of knocked the fuck out of the lot of them even if they were tooled up. No one bothered us though and we just walked back pretty much in silence. I could see Quan was thinking about all the explaining she was going to have to do and how she probably wouldn’t even be able to convince loads of people ‘cos you know what people are like the world over, fucking aul gossips so they are, nothing better to do with their time.
I could hardly talk anyway for the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hardly felt so wretched in my life, well most of it anyhow, even with all the bad stuff I done back home, sure that was par for the course in Belfast but over here I didn’t like the idea of ruining some wee girl’s reputation over nothing, that fucked me up so it did. I’d fucked around with a couple of wee whores just for the novelty of it but now I felt like a right dirty bastard. The aul sex tourism had changed things for all these people, I could see that now ‘cos normal life no longer existed. It was kind of like how the Troubles had changed things back home, once you go down that road sure there’s no going back, everything gets changed forever and not for the better. I felt ashamed so I did.
Back at the guesthouse Quan apologised to me for how the evening had turned out, fucking nearly broke my heart so it did, don’t you apologise, I goes, I’m the one who should be saying sorry to you and your people for all we’ve done to ye.
Don’t worry, she says, patting my hand, it’s good that at least you know all Thai women are not for sale. Off she went to her room then and left me standing in the foyer, an aul creeping familiar feeling of having fucked something up twisting a knot in my gut. Two dogs barked at each other somewhere in the distance and it started to rain. Sure if it wasn’t for the heat and mosquitoes buzzing around my neck I might as well of been back home.
7
Stopping at all these wee out of the way places was all very well. We were avoiding the backpackers and all the aul tourist shite, brilliant, what a couple of aul martyrs seeing the real country and all that, the only problem being it was a pain in the arse sometimes so it was. Sure we would turn up in places like Prachuap Khiri Khan that obviously hadn’t seen any palefaces like us in fucking ages which meant all the locals would be staring at us and pointing and giggling and whatnot, it does your head in after a while and then there’s the whole drama of getting a place to stay when the town’s obviously not set up for tourists and no cunt speaks a word of English. No offence to them like, I don’t expect them to speak the lingo of some country thousands of miles away that they’re never going to visit, it’s just that after a while I realised that all this avoiding doing the same thing as the other farangs was just making life difficult for me and the Frenchy.
It’s not like we were getting on great or nothing. He was wanting to dip his wick into as many local girls as possible whereas I’d lost the appetite for that sort of thing with just about anyone. We’d shacked up in this shithole of a place in Prachuap which was basically a town with a couple of aul beaches on that dead thin strip of land right in the middle of Thailand not far from Burma really, though why any fucker would want to go there is beyond me. I was getting impatient with all this stopping and starting and I was thinking the best thing to do would just be to scoot right on up to the Bangkok where at least there’d be civilisation of some sort. I needed some company that wasn’t French for a change though I was learning loads of good words, I wasn’t bad at picking up the aul languages. I think maybe I missed my calling as a translator at the United Nations for yon fella Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
The room we had at the guesthouse was basically a big fucking cupboard and there was only one bed with an aul manky mattress, the locals must of thought we were arse bandits or something not that it would’ve bothered them ‘cos when we went for a walk down the main street there was loads of trannies doing the rounds and cooing at us. Olly thought it was dead funny until I pointed out that the only fannies he’d be looking up round here would probably be knobs sliced down the middle and turned inside out. He didn’t like the sound of that but all the same he took some wee slip of a thing that was hanging around the guesthouse out for a drink somewheres. I mean she looked like a woman to me, she’d no big Adam’s apple protruding or broad shoulders or chiselled jaw line like yer man Judge Dredd in the comics, but sure you’ve no way of telling till you’ve got a mouthful of ball sack and if you get that far sure you might as well go the whole hog and admit you’re not bothered.
Anyway he was off on his hot date and after wandering round the docks for a bit getting wolf whistles from tons of ladyboys I headed on back to the room to read my book, sure Olly had got me a copy of this wee book called The Outsider by some French cunt, he said it was brilliant. I wasn’t sure at first but it didn’t take me long getting into it, yer man Camus knew what he was on about, sure it was like he knew what I was thinking. My life wandering about with no fucking purpose not even thinking about what I was doing or where I was going next was just like in some of them books, Kerouac and them ones, that’s what made me think maybe I should write it all down one day if I was banged up in the Maze or the Bangkok Hilton or somewhere, it might not be written as nice or nothing ‘cos I’m no good with words but you never know some cunt might want to read it if they’re bored as fuck on an aul long bus trip or something.
There was no sink or bog in the room, not even an aul squat toilet but then we were on the first floor so it’s a bit of a long drop for your shite I suppose, anyway I wandered downstairs to wash my face in the sink and I left the door to the room open. I wasn’t worried ‘cos I could see the bottom of the stairs from the toilet, I’m dead paranoid but for good fucking reason. Sure enough it only took ten seconds for this cunt to appear out of nowhere and run up the stairs, he must of been watching me and thought I went out for a bit or was taking a dump. He took the stairs three at a time and hardly made a sound, just as well I seen him from where I was standing just inside the bathroom otherwise I would of been clueless, he was like a fucking ninja or something.
I waited for about ten seconds to give him plenty of time to get into the room and then quiet as you like I padded up the stairs after him. I had my shirt off ‘cos I was sweating, in fact all I was wearing was a pair of aul Y-fronts that’d seen better days but I was about three times his size. Butterflies started up in my guts at the thought of bursting someone especially an aul thief, sure there’s nothing worse.
When I got to the door of the room I could see him inside with his back to me and he was going through this aul leather bumbag that Olly usually carried on him, it had his passport and his bank cards and a load of money in there, the thief must of thought this was his lucky day. He was so absorbed in what he was doing he didn’t hear me coming up behind him.
I just stood there leaning on the door jamb casual as you like with my arms crossed watching him, there was no way he was getting past me and no other way out of the room unless he smashed the window and jumped out into the alleyway but it was a bit of a drop like. He thought about taking stuff out of Olly’s bumbag and then decided against it and just threw the whole thing over his shoulder, smart move, that’s what I would of done if I was a piece-of-shit dumb cunt too. He started eyeing off my backpack and took a step towards it, greedy cunt I thought, you deserve everything I’m going to give to ye.
Bout ye, I says, I’m from pest control. I hear there’s a wee vermin problem. The cunt near jumped out of his skin. He threw Olly’s bumbag down on the floor and took one step toward me then thought the better of it and stepped back, he was looking all round the room for a way out but he must of known he was trapped. I just stood there waiting for him to work it out. No trouble no trouble, he says, I just checking room make sure you okay, he was agitated as fuck as you would be like seeing a big cunt l
ike me standing over ye and knowing you were going to get a right aul hiding.
I like a bit of verbal sparring before getting stuck into someone just to see what they come up with. I wasn’t expecting much from this one but I thought I’d give him a chance all the same, sure I felt a wee tiny bit sorry for him, not much like but you know it’s a dangerous profession he’d chosen.
So explain to me what you’re doing exactly, I goes, you could see his mind racing at the thought he might just be able to talk his way out of the situation if only he could find the right words.
I work for hotel, he says, not stealing come to check see if you okay when I see door open I think you forget and better take valuables put in safe to stop thief very bad, you be more careful sir lot of thief here.
Not bad, I was thinking. That’s very kind of you looking after your guests like that, I goes, I’ve never seen such excellent service, what’s your name pal I’m going to say something to the manager and recommend you get a pay rise. He was a bit confused by this, it was kinda cruel really, sure I was just toying with him. Not necessary sir, he says, part of service happy to help I love farang, where you from England very great country Manchester United Eric Cantona.
I put my fingers up to my lips and made like to zip them closed, he shut the fuck up then. You were doing all right there, I says to him, until you got to the bit at the end, sure I fucking hate Man United that’s a Fenian team and I’m a Liverpool man, you just insulted me big time. I was just rolling the muscles in my neck ready for a bursting when I hear Olly coming up the stairs behind me muttering to himself.
Just in time, I goes, sure we’ve got a guest, how’d your date go, did she have a big knob? Olly looks at me confused then he sees yer man quaking in his boots next to the bed.
I didn’t know you went both ways, he goes, do you want me to give you two lovebirds fifteen minutes?