Beer-Topia

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  • Irish moss…which is seaweed

  • Whirlfloc, or seaweed in concentrated tablet form, with extra carrageenan (the “active ingredient” in seaweed)

  • Silica gel

  • Polycar…which is powdered, nontoxic plastic

  • Casein, a milk protein

  • Albumen, otherwise known as egg whites

  • Isinglass, a gelatin made from dried fish bladders. There’s isinglass in every glass of Guinness.

  THE WORLD’S TOP BEERHOUNDS

  Michael Jackson. The mighty Jackson, whose groundbreaking work as a beer and whiskey critic (nice work if you can get it, right?) produced not only the seminal series The Beer Hunter as well as a long list of beloved best-sellers, but entirely new ways of looking at a beer, both in its proper cultural context and its place in the pantheon of brewing styles. None of these things were given much serious thought before Jackson started writing in the 1970s. Jackson died in 2007, but his legacy lives on with the craft brew movement and books like this one.

  Wade Boggs. Even in the context of the same sport that gave us Hall of Fame sluggers/imbibers like Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle, Boggs was a guy who always had either a beer or a baseball in his hand. H reportedly once downed more than 60 cans of Miller Lite on a cross-country flight.

  Paul Behan. On March 16, 2001, Behan appeared on the Virgin Radio Breakfast talk show in England and set a new speed record for drinking a pint of Guinness. (It’s literally a Guinness world record!) He polished it off in just 3.9 seconds… although Behan insisted that he could do better, claiming a private personal best of 1.5 seconds.

  Angelo Cammarata. What would our pursuit of beer be without those who serve it to us? Among that holy order, none served longer than the proprietor of the Pennsylvania’s Cammarata’s Cafe, who opened his taps as soon as Prohibition ended at the stroke of midnight on April 7, 1933…and kept right on serving patrons until 2009, when his sons decided to sell the place because they thought they were too old to effectively manage the business. A spry 95 when he retired, Cammarata was profiled in Playboy, appeared on The Daily Show, and was honored by Jim Beam, who enshrined him in their Bartender Hall of Fame.

  BEER MEETS CAFFEINE

  After watching all the cool club kids order millions of Red Bull and vodka cocktails in the early 2000s, the beer industry decided to try and get in on the action by launching brews that combined higher alcohol volume with stimulants, such as caffeine, ginseng, and guarana.

  Some drinks, like Miller’s Sparks and Budweiser’s Tilt, came in the same Day-Glo flavors as your average Smirnoff Ice and were packaged in giant, brightly colored, oversized cans. For those who prefer that their beerlike energy drink taste like beer, there was Bud Extra, a 6.6% ABV concoction marketed with posters bearing the slogan “Go longer.”

  America’s brief foray into energy beer ended when a brigade of party-pooping state attorneys general pressured bottlers to stop making them because mixing alcohol with caffeine tends to result in stuff like injuries, illness, and blackouts. (They also accused the companies of marketing the fruity drinks to minors.) These days, Sparks, Tilt, and newer entries like Joose and Four Loko are just good old-fashioned high-alcohol beverages that come in flavors like Blue Raspberry and Green Apple—which counts as a happy ending because everyone knows fruit is good for you.

  ***

  GREASE IS THE WORD

  Whether it’s plate of poutine in Canada, or a box of Dunkin’ Donuts in the U.S., there’s one thing many drinkers are drawn to “the morning after,” and that’s a heaping mound of fatty food. There may not be much medical basis to it—doctors suggest that by the time you’re feeling hungover, it’s too late for the grease to absorb enough alcohol to improve your state—but who cares? When you end a night of overindulgence with eggs and bacon, we’re calling that a win-win.

  THE UNITED STATES OF BEER, PART 4

  New Hampshire: Hampton’s Smuttynose Brewing Company has been the granddaddy of Granite State craft breweries since it started bottling in 1994. A standout is their Baltic Porter. The competition includes Hampton’s Blue Lobster Brewing Company, White Birch Brewing in Hooksett, and the Stoneface Brewing Company in Newington, which bottles a great IPA.

  New Jersey: Travelers touching down at Newark International Airport are greeted with the sight of a giant Anheuser-Busch bottling plant. But the Garden State has birthed a bumper crop of craft brewery selections since the mid-1990s, including Kane Brewing Company’s Kane Held High IPA, Flying Fish’s Exit 9 American Strong Ale, and the wacky beers bottled by Carton Brewing, such as their Intermezzo green apple wasabi root sour ale and Monkey Chased the Weasel Berliner weiss.

  New Mexico: A decade ago, there were five breweries statewide, but it’s a rapidly expanding business in the Land of Enchantment. Notable exports include La Cumbre’s Elevated IPA, Marble Brewery’s Imperial Red Ale, and the Imperial Java Stout offered by Santa Fe Brewing Company.

  New York: Long before Brooklyn became trendy, the borough hosted one of the region’s finest microbreweries. Founded in 1987, Brooklyn Brewery offers some of the better beer made in the city. Also intriguing are some of the state’s upstarts, like Lakewood’s Southern Tier Brewing Company and its array of session stuff, including its 422 Pale Wheat Ale and Eurotrash Pilz, as well as eyebrow-raising limited runs such as its must-have Creme Brulee Stout.

  North Carolina: Solid options include the Event Horizon Imperial Stout from the Olde Hickory Brewery and the Bourbon Barrel Milk Stout from Duck-Rabbit Craft Brewery. The rising star in the Tarheel State is Foothills Brewing in Winston-Salem, not only because they make excellent beer—the Sexual Chocolate Imperial Stout is worthy of its name—but also because it was started by a husband-and-wife duo. The couple that brews together, stays together!

  North Dakota: North Dakota is the nation’s leader in barley production, which makes it a natural breeding ground for terrific beer. Find a tap dispensing some of Fargo Brewing Company’s offerings, which include the Iron Horse Pale Ale and Sod Buster Porter. In the mood for a North Dakota IPA? Seek out Feast Like a Sultan from the Laughing Sun Brewing Company in Bismarck.

  Ohio: A sudsy cornucopia flows forth from Hoppin’ Frog Brewery, the brainchild of Akron’s Fred Karm. Since 2006, Karm has been cheering Buckeye Staters with pints of B.O.R.I.S. and D.O.R.I.S. Imperial Stouts, as well as its Mean Manalishi Double IPA and a handful of fruit-flavored brews.

  Oklahoma: Chase and Colin Healey founded Prairie Artisan Ales in 2012, and successfully crowdfunded the completion of a brewhouse dedicated to barrel-aged beer. They hit the ground running: According to RateBeer.com users, nine of the Sooner State’s top 10 beers are made by Prairie Artisan.

  Oregon: Oregon is arguably the craft beer capital of the world, in terms of both production and consumption—in 2013, it led the U.S. in breweries per capita and dollars spent on craft beer. Discerning drinkers are familiar with some of the state’s better-known wares, including those bottled by Rogue Ales and Full Sail Brewing Company. But for a good Beaver State brew, it’s hard to go wrong with Hair of the Dog, a 20-year-old company known for aggressive flavors and high ABVs.

  Pennsylvania: You can’t talk about Pennsylvania beer without mentioning Yuengling, the oldest-operating brewing company in the U.S. For some, Yuengling is a drinking experience worth crossing state lines to achieve; for others, it’s simply a decent, moderately priced beer. Either way, your Keystone State bar travels should probably include at least a glass of the stuff (which you can order in Pennsylvania simply by asking for a lager) and then branch out into some of the tasty craft-brewed selections offered by local companies like Tröegs, Tired Hands, Bullfrog, and Victory.

  Rhode Island: Ocean State beer is historically synonymous with the Narragansett Brewing Company. Formerly the biggest brewing company in New England, Narragansett fell on hard times during the 1970s and 1980s, but it’s undergone a renaissance in recent years since the rights to the label were purchased by a team of local investors. T
he core of the company’s line is solid, drinkable, undemanding stuff sold in tallboy cans, but they also offer a few locally craft-brewed options, including their eagerly anticipated holiday brew, Autocrat Coffee Milk Stout.

  For part 5, turn to page 243.

  8 ODD BEER LAWS

  Texas: Drinking more than three sips of beer while standing up is technically against the law.

  Alaska: It’s illegal to give beer to a moose.

  Colorado: Drinking on horseback? That’s a crime.

  Utah: It’s against the law to serve liquor or Arbor Day.

  Hawaii: Whistling in a bar is illegal.

  Massachusetts: “Happy hour” is prohibited.

  Oklahoma: Beer with an ABV of more than 4 percent cannot be sold chilled.

  Cedar City, Utah: If your shoelaces are untied while you’re drinking a beer? That’s illegal.

  BEAR-TOPIA

  Hamm’s was a major beer brand in the mid-20th century, and a lot of that is due to a massively popular ad campaign. Dozens of animated ads starred an unnamed, chubby black-and-white bear. He’d play a sport, like baseball or logrolling, inevitably lose due to his own mistakes or clumsiness, and take it in stride with a goofy grin. The ads always took place in the natural wilds of Hamm’s home state of Minnesota, reflected in the memorable, drum-driven jingle: “From the land of sky blue waters / from the land of pines, lofty balsams / comes the beer refreshing / Hamm’s the beer refreshing.”

  Hamm’s Brewery hired Minneapolis ad agency Campbell Mithun in 1952 to launch its first TV campaign. Based on a napkin sketch given to him by executive Cleo Hoval, staff artist Patrick DesJarlait created the friendly bear. The cartoon ads were produced by former Disney animator Howard Smith and debuted in 1953—the first ever animated spokes-creature to advertise beer.

  Airing first only in Minnesota, the cartoon ads featuring the silent bear and the memorable jingle (based on Rudolf Friml’s classical piece “Natoma,” with drums provided by the ad agency’s Ray Mithun banging on empty tuna cans) soon went national. Hamm’s became the biggest beer sponsor of sports on TV and radio in the 1960s, with specially made Bear ads for football and baseball teams in Minneapolis, Chicago, Kansas City, California, Texas, and Wisconsin. A 1965 poll named the Hamm’s Bear the most-liked ad mascot in the country, a tremendous feat given that the ads only aired in 31 states.

  Not wanting to wear out its welcome, Hamm’s tried to retire the character several times in the late 1960s and 1970s. But every time they did, they received complaints, and sales plummeted. So the Bear stayed, starring in ads well until the 1980s. They petered out by 1990. By that time, Pabst owned Hamm’s, and feared being accused of using the animated bear as a ploy to market alcohol to children.

  And yet, the Hamm’s Bear lived on. The bear appeared on hundreds of different pieces of glassware, trays, mirrors, and other promotional merchandise in the 1960 and 1970s, which enjoys a robust collector’s market. The Hamm’s Club, which collects and trades Bear gear, was responsible for erecting a statue of the Bear in 2005 at St. Paul’s Seventh Street Mall. Around the same time, Ad Age named the campaign one of the best of the 20th century. The St. Paul Pioneer Press went one better in 2000, naming the goofy bear one of the most influential Minnesotans of all time.

  THE LONDON BEER FLOOD

  The London Beer Flood was not nearly as much fun as it might sound. The Horse Shoe Brewery on Tottenham Court Road suffered a vat failure in October 1814 that unleashed a 15-foot-high torrent of porter through the city streets, scaring and confusing countless Londoners and ultimately resulting in the deaths of eight people.

  Particularly problematic was the fact that the flood gushed into St. Giles Rookery, a slum whose soon-to-be-beer-filled basements were home to entire families whose lives were upended in an instant by the equivalent of 9,000 errant barrels.

  Prohibition may not have convinced most people to stop drinking, but we’re betting anyone who had to deal with the aftereffects of a house flooded with beer probably wasn’t in any hurry to raise a glass after the mess dried out.

  CANADIAN BEER COCKTAILS

  Canadians love their beer so much that they mix all sorts of weird stuff into that Molson or Labatt’s.

  Drink: Clam Eye

  Ingredients: Beer, Clamato, celery salt, Tabasco, Worcestershire sauce

  Details: The Caesar is the Canadian take on the Bloody Mary, substituting clam-and-tomato juice for the plain tomato juice. The Clam Eye is a beered-up version of the Caesar, with beer replacing the vodka.

  Drink: Camel Piss

  Ingredients: Beer, tequila, dark rum, ouzo, anise liqueur, Mountain Dew

  Details: We assume this gets its name from its yellow color and strength.

  Drink: Canadian Car Bomb

  Ingredients: Beer, whisky

  Details: This take on the Irish Car Bomb is authentically made with Canadian beer and Canadian whisky.

  Drink: Porch Climber

  Ingredients: Beer, pink lemonade, vodka, whisky

  Details: So named because it will leave you climbing back onto the porch after you’ve fallen off it after a couple of these. (A version made with Sprite is called “Skip and Go Naked.”)

  Drink: Flaming Engineer

  Ingredients: Beer, Amaretto, whisky, orange juice

  Details: For relief from their rigorous studies, engineering students at Ryerson University in Toronto designed this special drink.

  THE PERFECT POUR

  A step-by-step guide.

  1.Choose the appropriate glass (see page 31). Make sure it’s clean of oils and sediment. Those things are gross, and they alter the taste of a beer.

  2.Rest the edge of the bottom on a flat surface and tilt the glass to about a 45-degree angle. Hold it firmly.

  3.Hold the bottle or can an inch or two above the rim of the glass. (This keeps the rim, where you’ll place your lips, clean.)

  4.Pour in a rapid, steady stream down the side of the glass. When the glass is half-full, slowly angle the glass so it’s back upright. This will give the beer a nice head.

  5.Wait a few seconds for the head to settle. Enjoy!

  CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF THAT WONDERFUL DUFF

  Crack open an imaginary cold one and try to match these fictitious brews to the movie, book, or TV show that served them. (Answers on page 254.)

  1.Shotz Beer

  2.Romulan Ale

  3.Pawtucket Patriot

  4.Panther Pilsner

  5.Black Death Malt Liquor

  6.Wharmpess Beer

  7.Schraderbrau

  8.Ent Draught

  9.Old Dusseldorf

  10.Lobrau

  11.Butterbeer

  12.Alamo Beer

  13.Elsinore Beer

  14.Spice Beer

  15.Buzz Beer

  16.“Beer”

  17.Duff

  a)South Park

  b)Magnum, P.I.

  c)Breaking Bad

  d)The Drew Carey Show

  e)Strange Brew

  f)The Simpsons

  g)Dune

  h)Futurama

  i)Harry Potter

  j)WKRP in Cincinnati

  k)The Three Stooges

  l)Family Guy

  m)The Lord of the Rings

  n)Star Trek

  o)Laverne and Shirley

  p)How I Met Your Mother

  q)King of the Hill

  THE DRY BEER FAD

  Soon after the successful introduction into Japan of “dry” beers in the 1980s, the American beer industry jumped into dry beer, too. How exactly can a liquid be dry? In the case of beer, it’s a brew with more carbonation and less aftertaste, giving an overall “crisper” or “dryer” mouthfeel.

  Bud Dry employed a massive rollout ad campaign (“Why ask why? Try Bud Dry”), and for a few years, drinkers could and did frequently choose “dry” brews from most of the major companies. By 1995, however, the fad had faded. Budweiser shifted its marketing focus to the new Bud Ice, which used freeze-distilling to
produce a brew with slightly higher alcohol content, discovering that fuzzy, amorphous concepts like “flavor” and “aftertaste” really don’t matter when you’re giving your customers a new product that will get them drunk more efficiently.

  BREWERIANA

  We tend to think of beer as an investment in our happiness and well-being rather than a financial one. But there’s actually a very robust market for beer-related collectibles, or breweriana. There’s a network of buyers and sellers around the world dedicated to digging up the rarest, coolest, and most valuable memora-beer-ia they can find.

  As with any other collectibles market, pricing fluctuates wildly, and is driven by a slew of occasionally quite subjective criteria, including nostalgia-driven demand. “The older, the better” is a good rule of thumb, and if you happen to have a crate full of pre-Prohibition beer cans sitting in your basement, then you can probably start making retirement plans right now.

  If you own a rare can made after 1975 or so, odds are it’s going to be worth anywhere from 25 cents to a few dollars. The average value of a can rises with age, with a healthy spike pre-Prohibition, especially if the can is from a smaller regional brewery.

  The biggest gets are “cone top” cans produced before the advent of the pull tab. Again, regional brewers grab the biggest bucks: Wisconsin’s Oshkosh Beer, for example, produced a prototype cone top in 1949 that sold for nearly $28,000. (Younger flat-top cans, while not as pricey, can still go for plenty: In 2003, a can of Clipper Pale from Grace Brothers Brewery went for $19,000.)

  For the seriously committed, there’s the annual CANvention hosted by the Brewery Collectibles Club of America. Held as a traveling roadshow for breweriana lovers, the CANvention is a colorful, memorabilia-stuffed mecca for anyone who’s intoxicated by beery lore. Keep an eye on that checkbook, though: Some in-demand items, like old brewery lithographs, can cost in the neighborhood of $75,000.