by Alisa Mullen
Something else caught Sean’s attention and he winked at me again as he walked away. I turned and studied Teagan’s face.
I held up my hands and said, “Truly! Only friends. He’s like a brother to me.”
He smiled, knowing I could read his face. He took my hand and we headed towards the church that adjoined the land to the house. It was a pretty white church, set right on the beach. There was nothing fancy about it except the land it sat on. There were no stained glass windows. There was a small door and very uncomfortable looking bench seats. It reminded me of a church from the Civil War. Surely, the building was a fire disaster waiting to happen, but the people on the island kept up with the paint and the cleaning. The immaculate grounds were amazing.
“It’s lovely here,” Teagan murmured, tearing me away from my thoughts about the church.
“It is. Are you nervous? There are a lot of people I know here and you don’t know anyone. I hope it doesn’t take away from my time with you tonight. It’s just so great to be around my people after so many years.” I smiled.
“Lizzie. I’m not nervous. I’m here for you and we’ll have our time together later tonight and all day tomorrow,” he said as he swept his hand across the necklace he gave me.
I sighed and kissed him on the cheek. “Thanks for understanding.”
Amanda and Sean swept by us, and Sean immediately took my hand to head into the church. He took us up all the way to the front and we took seats in a loud clatter. Teagan sat next to the aisle and Sean was on my right. Immediately, he jumped in to make a funny joke about the old woman playing the organ.
“Why are all organists so old and…” I cut him off by slapping his leg.
“Dude, you can’t criticize a woman who obviously has a talent for something and enjoys it,” I said.
“Oh yeah? What’s your talent?” Sean asked.
I snickered at him and Teagan leaned over me and quietly said, “That isn’t something we should speak of in a church.”
Sean and I busted out laughing, and as the wedding party started down the aisle, I could only look back once because I was laughing so hard. Then the organist started to sing and, sadly, she didn’t have a talent for singing. Sean and I were trembling, tears running down our faces while we tried to remain composed throughout the short ceremony. Teagan just shook his head and smiled at us. I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t laughing as hard as we were. Maybe it was just that Sean and I were back to our normal selves, laughing about everything and anything in life.
As we dried our tears, we stood to clap for Holly and Ben. She gave me a stern “You suck” look and I laughed at her while blowing her kisses. As we headed out to follow them, Teagan put out his elbow and I took it, thinking how much of a gentleman he was. He whispered something to me but my face was immediately locked onto Chase’s. He was staring right back. He flicked his gaze to Teagan, and I turned back to him, asking him to repeat what he just said. He looked at me with a confused look and tried to see what I was looking at. I obviously had reacted to Chase’s face, and Teagan’s concerned look made it so uncomfortable, I couldn’t breathe. I felt a panic attack coming on, so I pulled him back to my car, where I pulled a beer from the trunk and downed the whole thing.
“Lizzie, what’s wrong?” Teagan asked.
“Oh, weddings, you know,” I said, waving him off.
“Well, no, I don’t. You look pissed or something,” Teagan pressed.
“Pissed? Far from it. I just laughed my ass off for fifteen minutes straight while a good friend got married. I hardly even heard the ceremony,” I said, laughing.
“Ah. Yes, well, it was just the traditional vows,” he said, grabbing a beer.
“Okay, let’s hit the food,” I said.
I didn’t see Chase again while we ate. White linen tables were arranged with votive candles as centerpieces and the slight breeze of the ocean made the white tents look like a huge flash light. It was gorgeous. Holly had taken simple and made it priceless. We watched the couple dance and cut the cake. The toasts were ridiculous and there were quite a few F bombs laced throughout them. Obviously, people were as toasted as we were. Sean leaned in and asked if I wanted to smoke a joint. I shook my head. I wasn’t going to get totally blitzed. I wanted to savor every moment.
Teagan twisted to me and sweetly presented his hand. “Dance with me?” he asked as he kissed my hand. The beginning of Counting Crows’ “Round here” was coming out of multiple speakers throughout the tent and rose to follow him to the makeshift tiled dance floor. I smiled at Holly as Teagan drew me close, putting his forehead on mine.
“I like this band,” I said.
“I know. You were wearing their shirt on our first certified date.” He smiled.
“Date?” I asked with a mocking smile.
“Yes, Lizzie. We’ve been dating,” he said softly.
I sighed. “I don’t date, Teagan. We are more than just dates. Shit, I basically live with you and the guys.”
“Good point.” He chuckled and drew me closer with his hand on the small of my back.
We danced through half the song when I heard Chase’s voice come from behind me.
“May I cut in?” Chase asked.
Teagan popped his head up with surprise. He looked at me with a “Do you want to?” face.
“Chase,” I said leisurely. “Please don’t.”
Teagan’s features altered into a look that I’d never seen before. He was obviously shocked but more defeated. He let go of me, like I had burned him, and Chase immediately jumped in to take over the dance.
“That was a shit move,” I said, keeping my distance from him. He and I were not together, and everyone, including Teagan, needed to comprehend my body language.
“Who is he?” Chase asked firmly.
“What does it matter to you, Chase?” I said, finally looking up at his face.
“Just fucking answer the question,” Chase said with impatience in his words.
“He’s a friend. My boyfriend,” I said, thinking about how Teagan had claimed me for the three days on the island.
“Well, that was fast!” Chase scoffed.
“It isn’t like that. He’s from Ireland and he’s going home at the end of the summer, and now I don’t know why I’m explaining this to you,” I said, squirming from him. I just wanted to find Teagan and explain that I didn’t know Chase was coming. I felt…guilty. But was I supposed to feel guilty about being with Teagan while Chase was there and not the other way around? All those years I spent with Chase suddenly meant nothing and as each minute ticked by, I was losing Teagan. I had to find him.
Chase pulled me closer with force.
“Lizzie. I need to talk to you. Please just give me five minutes and you can go back to your date. I’m not going to ruin your night,” he said softly.
“You already have. He knows about you, Chase. I’m sure he’s not happy right now.” I scowled at him.
“Just listen,” he said softly, pulling me close as the song changed to another that I couldn’t even comprehend because my head was swimming with a million thoughts.
“I need a drink,” I said and walked off. Chase was on my heels, and when we made it to the keg, he grabbed two red plastic cups and tapped us both a beer.
As I started to drink, he cocked his head to the side and motioned me to follow him. I turned to survey the tent for Teagan. He was nowhere. He didn’t leave, did he? Good God, did Chase fuck everything up?
I stepped five paces into the dark, grassy space and Chase turned around.
I tapped my foot and said, “I’m listening. Why are you here?”
“Lizzie, I miss you. I know that I wasn’t ready for marriage, but since I left you in Colorado, I’ve been so…so unhappy. Even when we were broken up, you were still there in Portland and I knew I’d still see you. But you’re gone now and I’ve had so much time to think. You’ve been everything to me for years. I need you. I want to make you happy and, I will do anything, and I me
an anything, if you would just come home with me. I’m begging you. You can go to school there and we can get a nicer apartment. I know things won’t be the same, but I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to undo what I did when I said I couldn’t commit to you.” He pleaded with ferocity. He was like an animal, walking around his prey, ready to pounce.
I stood there, astounded. Holy fucking hell. I must have stood there for at least five minutes while I watched him squirm under my scrutiny. My knees started shaking. Was it Chase or the sea breeze becoming colder? My palms were sweaty, so I handed Chase my plastic cup then wiped my hands down my black dress.
“You look so beautiful,” Chase said.
“Chase,” I said with resignation.
“Just tell me you’ll think about it. Just tell me you’ll look back and remember all our good times and the better times we can have in the future,” he said.
I could feel Teagan behind me before I saw Chase’s face turn into surprise. I grabbed my cup from Chase’s hand and stood there.
“Are you okay?” Teagan asked.
“No,” I said.
“What can I do?” Teagan asked in concern.
“You can get me the hell out of this conversation,” I said fiercely.
“Lizzie,” Chase said, trying to grab for my hand.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Teagan warned.
“What is she to you? She’s just your cheap fuck, right? Like you really know my Lizzie.” Chase scowled.
Teagan laughed. I turned to look at him, wondering what he thought was so funny.
“It seems to me that you lost the right to know her intentions when you promised not to marry her after treating her like a cheap fuck for years,” Teagan said.
Teagan took my arm, and as we walked back to the tent, he turned to Chase and said, “Oh and she isn’t your Lizzie anymore.”
“Lizzie! Promise me you’ll think about it. When he leaves you, you’ll be alone. I’ll always be here for you, baby. Think about it… about us,” Chase pleaded.
We walked away and I didn’t see Chase again that night.
Nineteen
Thoughtful
As Teagan and I headed back to the tents, his arm tightly centered on me. I looked down at my empty cup. I frowned and said, “I think I need something a bit stronger.”
He nodded and we went up to the bartender. He bought us each a Seven and Sevens, my favorite drink. He handed me one and I sipped off it, closed my eyes, and thanked God that the conversation with Chase didn’t ruin my evening with Teagan after all. He was tending to me, making sure he got the jabs in that I couldn’t, and buying me my favorite drink. He knew me so well, and yet, I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. I didn’t want to see the anger, or hurt, or jealousy that he had that night I went out with Freddie. I needed to reassure him that I wasn’t involved with anyone but him.
“Lizzie.., fucking look at me.” Teagan startled me and I immediately opened my eyes.
“There she is,” he said with a smile. “I’ve been saying your name. Did you not hear me?”
“No. I just didn’t want you to think that, you know, I was trying anything with Chase. It was a surprise. I didn’t know until this morning that he was here on the island. I guess he didn’t want me to know,” I said, pleading with my eyes.
“I was listening the whole time. The whole time you were dancing, getting your beers, and standing off to the side, I was listening,” he said without any regret in his eyes.
“Really? Teag, that’s a bit creepy,” I said, smiling.
“I know, but when I heard your voice, the pain when you said his name, I knew I couldn’t leave you alone with him. He has some nerve to just show up and demand your undying love.” He shook his head.
I placed my hand on his chest and drew closer to kiss him softly. It was such a tender moment as he wrapped one arm around me, making sure not to spill our drinks, and whispered David Gray song lyrics in my ear. As I leaned into him, he reassured me that everything would be alright and I was a strong woman, the strongest he’d ever met, and nothing could make me more special.
“Other men see it too, Lizzie. You have something that makes guys bat shit crazy. Maybe it’s that you don’t take shit from others. Maybe it’s because you have fun and never look back on your regrets,” he said.
“If you only knew how far from the truth that statement is. It would be laughable if it wasn’t so sad,” I said.
I downed my drink and took his full one, pulling off it. I was getting hammered and nothing was going to stop me. The girls were in the middle of the dance floor in a circle that was only meant for ladies. I handed Teagan back his drink and smiled devilishly at him before I headed straight to my oldest and dearest friends. They screamed and we danced to Bjork. She was an old time favorite of ours. Sexy and seductive. A beat that could make anyone move. I looked over to see Teagan watching me with a smirk on his face. I could tell that the last twenty minutes were over in both of our minds and I was so fucking happy for that. After many sweaty dances, I bowed out of the girls’ dance circle and headed for the bar. Teagan was there instantly with bills in hand, buying me another drink. We took off outside the tent and went to sit on the grass, looking out to sea.
“Hey look, there’s Ireland,” I said, laughing.
Looking out at the open Atlantic Ocean, I thought about how far Ireland really was and I got sad. Sure, Oregon was probably almost the same distance but it felt close in my heart. I could close my eyes and see Burnside’s busy street and Mount Hood overlooking the city. I couldn’t envision Ireland at all, except through the man sitting next to me. He was Ireland. Any flag, any striped shirt with an emblem on it, every Irish accent in any movie would always be Teagan. It almost made me not want to go there ever.
“I really think it is much farther than the horizon from here.” He chuckled.
“Do you think you’d ever want me to visit? I mean, my family goes there every few years to see our great, great aunts or who knows but I’ve never been. I can’t envision what it looks like. I can only see you going in and out of college doors and hurling.”
“It would mean a great deal if you came to visit me, Lizzie. I would like you to see the small town my family lives in and show you around Cork.”
“Really?” I said with surprise.
“Really. I’ll look into it when I get back and when I’ve made enough money to buy your tickets. We’ll pick the perfect time, when I’m on holiday, and then we can spend some time together. My parents are very traditional so we’ll sleep in different rooms but maybe a few nights, we can go to a bed and breakfast,” he said with a devilish smirk.
I squeezed his side and felt the tears start to burn from the sides of my eyes. I would miss him and I knew short trips would never make a real relationship but if that was all I could get from Teagan, there was no way I’d ever say no. I looked at him and smiled. We headed back into the tent to dance again. Drinking and dancing made up the last few hours, and as I said tearful goodbyes to all my friends, I felt Teagan’s warm hand rub up and down my back, assuring me that goodbyes weren’t forever and I wasn’t alone.
The hardest goodbye was to Sean. I saw him across the parking lot and sped off in my sandals, only to fall flat on my face, scraping my knees and crying out in pain. Teagan picked me up and held me as he looked over my injuries.
“Can you walk?” he asked in concern.
“Yes, Jesus. I just want to say goodbye to Sean. Dammit. Did he leave already? I don’t know when I’ll see him again,” I said, crying my eyes out.
Teagan wiped away my tears and told me that it would be soon. “Sean’s a good lad. We talked a lot about you tonight and he’s a great friend.”
I looked over his shoulder to see that Sean had gotten into Amanda’s car and they were already driving off. I heard music and screaming coming from their car and I smiled. Crazy fuckers. I would see them again soon. I’d make it a point to reacquaint myself with them after the summer.
They were my second family and time wouldn’t keep us apart. They were true friends and would never possibly hurt me. They could always make me laugh and we would always be partying. I knew that escape would be needed once I lost the man in front of me.
“Lizzie!” Teagan snapped his fingers in front of my face. “You keep doing that.”
“Doing what?” I asked as I swayed to my good knee.
“You keep going off to a faraway place when we’re talking. There’s something going on up there. What is it?” he asked.
“I can’t help but think about when you leave. I think about all the great friends I have and how I take for granted that they live close enough for me to see anytime yet I never see them. With you, you’ll be gone, and quite honestly, I’m afraid it won’t be the same. You mean something different to me than they all do.” I couldn’t fucking believe I was spilling my guts out to him after we said this would just be a summer fling. I was getting way over my head, and while I put on a brave face and pretended that he was just another guy to me, it wasn’t true. The alcohol was making me spit out shit I shouldn’t have been saying. I’d scare him off. He told me not to fall in love with him, not to get attached, but how the fuck could I do that when he consumed every moment and every thought. He wasn’t just a summer fling. He was someone that treated me with more respect, and something that resembled love, than I’d ever felt.
“Lizzie, it’ll be okay. We’ll stay in touch. At the end of the summer, we’ll do what needs to be done. I have to finish school and you have to get back to your life. We’ll know how precious this time has been but we’ll also know that it’ll be impossible to stay as we are.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m just a little drunk, and having my friends around tonight really made me think of the past and how I’ll never get back the time lost. Sometimes I feel like I wasted all those years in Oregon. My close friends are in my past but I want them here in my present too. I know my feelings for you will be stronger after you leave, Teag, and I’m afraid of that longing already.”