by Alisa Mullen
Just then, a little girl walked by, holding her father’s hand. She was probably three years old with long, curly blonde hair. She was crying so hard that it was hard to hear her father’s shushes.
“I want to cry just like her,” I said.
Teagan got in front of me and laughed. Then, he bent his head down to my forehead and said the most amazing words.
“You don’t know how beautiful, adorable, and sexy you are. Inside and out. You show me your feelings and your fears and it makes you all the more irresistible. If you ever cried that hard, it would rip me to pieces. I hope I never have to see that,” he said with a soft, gentle voice.
I leaned in and kissed him with so much passion, I thought I’d start sobbing right then. What the hell was wrong with me? I was crying about everything. His words, seeing Sean, leaving friends. But one thing I knew, I was not crying about Chase.
When our kiss broke, he pulled a red rose from behind his back and tucked it behind my ear.
“An Irish rose for my American girl,” he said, pulling me to the car before driving us back to the cabin.
We spent the remainder of the weekend biking around the island, getting ice cream at the local cream shop, and listening to Sunday’s Reggae Fest down at the docks. It was comfortable and we didn’t waste a moment on the water. It was such a respite from Boston. When we headed back on the ferry to go home, we didn’t go up on deck. We just stayed quiet and listened to music in the car. I could feel our relationship coming to an end. It was clearly the end of our pretend couple weekend as boyfriend and girlfriend, and I knew he could feel the distance, too. It was only July, but I knew we were over. The ride home was easy and quiet. By the time we got back to the apartment, Teagan and I scrambled to his bed and lay there, looking up at the dark ceiling, saying nothing. We didn’t have sex that night but held each other like it was the last thing we’d ever do.
Twenty
Sobering Up
Monday morning came too early and I awoke to Teagan putting his tie on. I looked at him and winked. He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. I stirred and sat up to see what was obviously wrong. He could tell that I noticed the change in his demeanor.
“I’m so tired. I don’t know why. We had so much sleep and relaxation,” Teagan said as he leaned over and kissed me on the forehead.
“I’m tired, too.” I sighed. “I need to get up and head out to school.” Teagan shook his head.
“Just wait until the other lads are done showering and out of here before you get up,” he said as he looked down at his watch. “You still have time to get a little more rest.”
I couldn’t rest anymore. I was wide awake. Why was he so worried about me going out amongst the other guys? Was I not supposed to spend the night?
I looked at him with a blank face. “Are you upset with me, Teag?”
“No, baby, not at all. I just want you to get rest after a long weekend with your friends.” He leaned down and fingered the necklace he gave me.
“Okay, Teagan. So I’ll see you after work?”
“Yes. Be here at six. I have a late meeting,” he said as a matter of fact.
“Sure, no problem.”
He nodded and squeezed my arm. When he walked out, he didn’t look back at me with his usual dazzling smile. Just firmly shutting the door behind him.
I was instantly on guard. Something was really wrong. There was a subtle shift in his mood. Teagan was not the Teagan I knew up until that point. Did he just shut me out? What the fucking hell just happened? He looked the part, he tasted the part, but it was faked. I knew it deep in my bones, and my first thought came in a wave as the hairs rose on the back of my neck. Flight. He won’t hurt me as long as I don’t get too involved. Holy fuck, I was already too involved. It’s time to back off.
Three hours later, I headed out of my class, walking to my car in a haze. After a blissful weekend and an uneasy morning, I couldn’t help but feel like the biggest loser in the world. I drove home and found Conner out front on the phone, waving his arms in clear frustration. I overheard two words. “Fuck Darcy,” before I headed into the front door and up to my room. I fell on my bed and curled into a ball. A few moments later, the front door slammed and Conner was cursing loudly. His feet pounding up the stairs startled me and I prayed he wasn’t coming towards my door.
When my door flew open, I could tell he was not only angry but pained.
“Conner, what’s wrong?” I asked in concern.
“It’s nothing. Darcy and I broke up because we can’t see each other very much after the accident and well, it’s tough,” he said gruffly.
There was nothing I could say because I knew deep down, I was the reason that happened. Darcy and Conner were glued together when I came home from Oregon and I could see the way she looked at him. Conner got that look from a lot of girls at his shows but he never gave them the time of day when he was with Darcy. I guess she had captured his heart a little bit too.
“It doesn’t matter. I have too much going on anyway. I wouldn’t have any time with her,” he said.
“Conner, I’m sorry,” I murmured. “I… I…”
He waved his hands at me and smiled, giving me a brotherly look of love.
“Look, I know you’ve been going through a hard time since the accident, too,” he said. “You’re important to me, Lizzie. We’re all worried about you and I know that you take a lot of the blame for that night. Darcy explained what she remembers and she said you did try to fight with her not to drive.”
“But I failed.”
He shook his head and walked to my bed, wrapping me up in a big hug. I half hugged him back. The phone rang from across the room on my dresser and Conner pulled back.
“O’Malley residence,” he answered.
“Hold on a minute.” He looked to me. “Teagan is on the phone,” he said as he put his hand over the receiver.
I slowly shook my head back and forth.
“She’s in the shower. Do you want to leave a message?”
He muttered a few more things while I ignored his end of the conversation, lying back down on my bed.
He hung up and asked, “What’s up with that guy?”
“Not much. He’s just a friend. He went to Holly’s wedding with me. He’s probably just checking that I got home safely.”
“Well, he wants you to call him back,” he said, brushing off something on his shirt.
I nodded and he gave me a curious look before he left my room. Minutes later, he started strumming his guitar and singing a song I’d never heard before. His voice put me into a trance. I closed my eyes, succumbing to sleep. Sleep had always been a way of escaping a place that I felt was too consuming. My dreams have always been vivid because of my racing thoughts to escape and be something different. That day, I only dreamt of Teagan. We were in a bar in Ireland where he introduced me to all of his family and friends. He dragged me around the city and we were happy. I felt more settled than I ever had.
Waking up to the phone ringing was a horrible disaster. I didn’t want to wake up from that dream. It was the first in a long time that I finally found peace in. As I threw my legs over the bed, I noticed my nose was completely stuffed, I had a headache, and I felt like throwing up. Damn. I was getting fucking sick. I fucking hated feeling sick. I couldn’t smoke, I couldn’t drink and I couldn’t escape the racing thoughts in my head of everyplace I would have rather been than in bed. The phone stopped ringing as I headed to the bathroom. My mom came up the stairs and handed me the phone.
“There’s some nice Irish boy on the phone,” she said with a glorious smile. My parents have always been big fans of Ireland and their partial connection to the land.
“Mom, what time is it?” I winced.
“Um...eight pm,” she said, looking up from her watch. “Are you feeling okay, honey? Oh gosh, I hope you aren’t getting what Conner had last week. I thought it was just the stress of finals,” she said with concern.
I took the phone fro
m her and answered. “Hello?”
“Lizzie, where are you?” Teagan asked. I heard laughter and music in the background and a sudden urge to throw up made me toss the phone down and race to the toilet. I threw up everything I had in me, which wasn’t much, and started dry heaving, like my body wanted to rid itself from any future food as well. My mom gave me a warm cloth over the back of my neck.
My mother cleared her throat and put the phone up to her ear. “Hi there. I am sorry but Lizzie isn’t feeling well right now, so she will have to call you back.” After a long pause, I heard her continue to talking for several minutes as she walked back downstairs. Did she just laugh at something he said? God, he was good. Always the charmer.
After flushing the toilet and brushing my teeth, I felt well enough to dress in a sweater and yoga pants before crawling back to bed. I couldn’t keep my temperature right the entire night, and as I fell into a restless sleep, I hoped to get back to the dream of Teagan and me in Ireland, in love and not in this limbo hell that was starting to wear me down. In love? Oh God! I loved him. I was in love with him. I wanted him.
Days flew by in a blur. Mom took some time off to be home with me. She helped me with the B.R.A.T. diet and soothed my back every time I threw it all back up. Teagan kept calling and was starting to get really worried because I wouldn’t go to the phone. I didn’t know how I felt talking to him now that I knew I had fallen for him. My guard was up and I knew that he could tear it down with just one word. I didn’t want to be a bitch so I asked her if he was sick too and she shook her head. Wednesday afternoon, the phone rang and since I felt a little better, I jumped off my bed to answer it.
“O’Malley residence,” I said.
“Lizzie. Are you okay? How are you getting on? I’ve talked to your mother more than you these past few days,” Teagan said frantically.
“Teag, I’ve been really sick. I caught something from Conner. He had this exact same thing last week and, well, I guess it’s my turn. I’m feeling much better though. I think the worst part is over. It must be the 48 hour bug or something.”
“Ah, good. Then, we’ll see each other tonight? Remember I told you I’m heading to New York City with Cian this weekend, right?” he asked.
“Um…” I put my fingers to my temples. “Yeah, sure. Big Apple. That should be fun for you guys. You’ll love the Empire State Building, The Twin Towers, and Statue of Liberty.”
He laughed in my ear. “Lizzie, am I going to see you before I go? It’s been two nights without you. It’s cold here,” he whispered seductively. I could tell he was smiling. Double shit. The guard was officially down. Take it easy, Lizzie. Play it cool.
“I don’t know about tonight, Teag. I’m still not feeling very well.”
“Well, can I come to your house? I’ll make you some soup and we can listen to music. Your guitar is still here. I can bring it to you,” he said, slightly pleading.
“How will you make it out here?” I asked, thinking of the long T ride and the three mile walk.
“I’ll take the T. I can be out there in a hour.” he asked.
“Teagan, this flu is…” I started.
“Lizzie, I don’t give a shit about the flu. Just let me come out and see you. I told your mom that I’d like to have dinner with them sometime, so I’ll come to you,” he said.
“Fine, but don’t forget that I warned you.” I smirked.
“See you in an hour then,” he said then hung up, probably so I couldn’t protest.
An hour later, I shivered, despite the 80 degree weather and waited on my front doorstep for Teagan to show up. I really couldn’t understand his urgency to see me but it was giving me the butterflies. I did not want him to know I went and fell in love with him when he specifically told me not to. I watched the yellow cab pull up to the front of the house and I stood to watch him gather his black duffel bag out of the back. After he paid the driver, he turned and stood there watching me stand there, watching him back. Slowly, he walked towards me. His eyes never left mine.
“You look beautiful,” he said.
“You’re a fucking liar,” I retorted.
He smiled as I started towards the door. Back in my house, I made the introductions between Teagan, Conner. my mother and father. Dad was away on a business trip and had just gotten back that day. He was pleased to see I was making new friends. They sat and talked for a little while. I just stayed at the kitchen table with my head over my crossed arms, watching them chat easily. It was nice that Teagan was there. I’d been in his world for so many weeks that I never thought he’d want to get to know mine. But this wasn’t my world. This was just the house I grew up in and the family I ran home to at the age of 23. Unsettled, I stood up and took Teagan’s hand, leading him up to my bedroom.
I lay down on my bed and he sat at the end of it, taking off my sneakers and rubbing my feet. I moaned. God, I missed his touch. His presence was so absent that I never realized how powerful it was. I thought about every time we had sex, and how I took it for granted. Every time he held me, I didn’t pay attention to the zings that went through my body. It was probably because I was drunk almost every time it happened.
He got up on the bed and spooned me from behind, whispering how much he missed me over the last few days and how he was so glad to finally have me back in his arms. I listened to him talk, and as I felt the zings of his hands caress my shoulders, arms, waist, and ass, I fell into a deep sleep. There was no reason to dream. I had him in my bed and he encompassed everything important to me at that moment.
I woke up to him whispering my name. I darted up immediately and was reminded that I was ill. I flew out of my room and to the bathroom, where I threw up nothing. Again. Thank fuck. I didn’t want vomit all over my hair or my mouth while Teagan was there. Jesus, what the hell was he still doing there anyway? I could clearly see through the skylight of the bathroom that it was pitch black outside. How long had I been asleep? Why didn’t anyone wake me up before then?
I went back into my bedroom to see Teagan was under my covers and his pants were on the floor. I looked at him, stunned. Sure, I had guys sneak into my room on occasion but never had a guy blatantly spent the night. My parents had to know he was still there since my car hadn’t moved from the spot I parked in that afternoon.
He looked up to me with a concerned look on his face. “Are you feeling okay, Lizzie? You’re really worrying me.”
“I’m fine but it’s really late, Teag. You have to go home. My parents are very traditional. They don’t know that I spend all of my time at your house. They don’t ask because I am old enough to do what I want but when it comes to their place, well…no sleepovers with guys until after marriage,” I said, rolling my eyes.
He laughed. “My parents are stricter than that. I can’t even kiss a girl on the couch in my parents’ house. But your parents know I’m here, Lizzie. I talked to them when you went to sleep. They know you’re sick. They know I’m not going to take advantage of you in your state,” he said as he flung his arm out to scan my body. “Come here and let me hold you.”
I crawled back into bed. “Why did you wake me up, then? I thought I heard you say my name.”
He was quiet for a moment. His body tensed but I was too tired to look at him. I just waited for him to answer. He sighed and pulled me closer. “I’m glad to be here with you. It’s nice to sleep in a bed on a frame.”
“Why does it seem like you wanted to tell me something else? You paused for a long while and yet you told me something I already knew.” I laughed.
“I’ll take a cab to the train station in the morning but I really wanted to stay with you tonight,” Teagan said, nuzzling into my neck.
“Don’t waste your money on a cab. I’ll drive you,” I said, enjoying his face so close to mine.
“No, you’re sick.”
“I’m sure I’ll be better by morning. I want to drive you to work.”
“We’ll see how you’re feeling in the morning.”
“Sure,” I said as I nodded into my pillow, not giving a fucking shit about anything but his hands over my side and my lavender scented pillow.
“Good, now let’s get some sleep. I set your alarm clock,” he murmured. I could feel his heart beating really fast and I knew he wanted to tell me something important. Was he going to ask if we could have more after this summer fling? It seemed like he was getting a little more attached than just a tryst.
“Hmmm…” He chuckled and pulled me closer.
All thoughts of Monday morning’s confusion on whether or not he still wanted to be near me were lost. He was worried about me after only two days and now he was there with me in my bed, snuggling up to my hair, and falling asleep with me in his arms. I felt the weight of that morning lift, and I cursed myself at over thinking our relationship. Teagan wasn’t an asshole that just turned on a dime. He genuinely cared for me and wanted to be near me as much as I wanted to be near him. Knowing he wanted to be with me even when we weren’t drinking and having sex was sobering. Instead, we were sharing an intimacy that far surpassed any physical attraction. We were lovers, sure. But in reality, I knew we were so much more.
Twenty-One
Dirty
The next morning, Teagan woke me up with a kiss to my forehead. When I opened my eyes, he was already freshly showered and dressed in his work clothes. I got up and threw my legs over the bed.
“You’re ready?” I asked, squinting up to him with one eye.
“Yes, baby. I have to get to town. I packed you a bag. Come to the apartment and sleep there. Do you still have your key?” he asked.
“Yep. I’m really tired. I guess I could head over there, if it’s okay with you,” I said. Just thinking about all that driving was giving me a ridiculous headache.
He touched the back of his knuckles to my cheek. “I worry about my American girl. Come stay with me. It’s the last night until I get back from New York on Monday.”
I smiled over to him as I started throwing new clothes on. I didn’t care that I hadn’t showered in two days. I could take a shower at his place. He didn’t seem to mind my scent all night, since every time I awoke, his arms were clamped around me. I grabbed my bag, my purse, and my keys and we headed down the stairs. Mom was sitting in the foyer, reading a magazine, and looked up. Her smile was bright and I gave her a cursory morning nod.