by Alisa Mullen
“Lizzie, talk to me,” Teagan said.
I looked up to see that he was right next to me, inching his body close, so intimately.
“I’m not sure what to say. I found out that I am pregnant twenty-four hours ago and within twelve of those hours, you told me you wouldn’t be in the life of the baby you made with me because of the traditions in your family,” I said.
He started to say something but I stopped him.
“You talk about traditions but all that runs through my head is morals. Where are your morals? In my very conservative family, we don’t take pregnancy lightly. Yes, I’m pro-choice but not in the form of using it as birth control. I would never wish this decision on anyone and I doubt any other woman would, either. But you...you’re forcing me to change the course of my life, by either raising a child on my own or killing it,” I said, a tear coming down my face.
“Did you ever think about what my family will think of this?” I asked, placing a palm over my chest. “You were so determined to have a summer of fun. Is this fucking fun for you? And yes, before you answer that, I agreed to this… this…whatever it is. But this is all sorts of fucked up now. This is serious, life-altering decision making and I can’t believe that you would just expect me to not have deep and dark thoughts about my body, my mind, my family, myself,” I said.
Teagan sighed and pulled me into his arms.
“I got scared earlier after I talked to my mom, and I guess I just reacted. I didn’t take into account how your life would be changed. It’s just that my life is in Cork. I can’t stay here. I don’t have a visa. I have to finish school. It’s what is expected of me, and if I make this your choice, then it’s all I can do. I can’t tell you to have the baby, knowing what I have to do. I can’t tell you to have an abortion or give it up for adoption because I don’t know how you feel on those types of issues.”
I sat up from him immediately. “You don’t give one shit about me, do you?” I asked.
“Jesus, Lizzie, I care very much for you. You’ve been so amazing but give me a break here. We were as safe as we could be and I never wanted to intentionally get you pregnant then hurt you. That was never my intention. Out of everything else you hear me tell you, you have to understand that. I care about what you choose to do because I care about you. It’s just… I can’t put it into words. I guess I just can’t be what you think you want me to be. I never was,” he solemnly said.
I nodded my head slowly and said, “No, you won’t ever be what I wanted you to be but not because of what happened before yesterday. It’s because now that I’m up shit creek, you’ve bailed on me. I guess I can only blame myself for expecting something from someone who claims to care about me.”
We sat there in silence for hours. The night sky was lighter than the dark room we sat in. Neither of us even shifted on the bed. We were permanent fixtures in the room, and the more silence there was, the easier I could relax and clear my mind. I wasn’t afraid anymore. I was numb but not scared and I didn’t feel reckless. I looked at him and his withdrawn and desolate face looked back to me.
“I can’t have a baby,” I said. It was true. If I couldn’t get my life straightened out on my own, my baby would never come first. Although my life was unconventional, I would have a baby the traditional way. I would go to college, get married, and then have children. I would not have a child with a man I’d never see again. I would never even know how to explain that to my child.
He looked back at me and firmly said, “Okay. I’ll help you. Set up the appointment and I’ll take care of the costs and I’ll be there for you, whatever you need.”
I finally exhaled the breath I had been holding for hours. My decision was made and we both seemed to relax back into what felt like normalcy again. He went out to the kitchen and came back with sandwiches and beer. We sat and ate tentatively. We were quiet. We slowly inched towards one another and cuddled on the bed. We didn’t ever talk about the future of the pregnancy again.
Twenty-Five
There Is No Place, Especially Home
Teagan and I spent the remainder of the weekend under lock and key in his bedroom, only leaving the bubble we put ourselves in to answer the door for delivery food and to use the bathroom. His touches were soft and gentle. Occasionally, I caught him looking down at my bare stomach with a resigned look on his face. The sensation of my love and understanding of his gazes somehow made me fall more and more for him. If I kept this baby, he would always be a part of me. Never seeing Teagan again after a few more weeks made my heart bleed. The idea that his hands would never touch me in any way made me want to keep one thing of him inside, stretching the touch of him from outside my body. I was being so fucking ridiculous but I knew, after all, that I had fallen deeply in love with Teagan and the heartbreak of losing him overwhelmed every other feeling I had over this pregnancy.
Monday morning came in a flash. He started to dress for work as I lay there naked and sheetless on his bed. The soft love making the night before had confirmed all the feelings I had for him, and while I knew a huge shift in reality was only a few hours away, I could imagine what it would be like to stay in that bubble forever. Teagan reassured me all weekend that everything would turn out the way it was supposed to and I believed him. I trusted him, even if he didn’t want to be in my future.
I shook the thoughts out of my head and started to dress. When I sat on the bed to pull my sandals on, he bent in front of me.
“Lizzie, this is all bad timing but I have a friend coming into town on Wednesday. It’s been planned for a long time and I don’t want our situation to ruin their time here. I want you to go to your parents and explain everything, but then I want you to come back to me so I can be with you during this time. I want to know everything. But after Wednesday, I need some space through the weekend. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. It just means that I owe it to my friend to entertain them. I hope you can understand that,” he said.
Thinking about how the next several days would go, I just nodded. I didn’t care about his friends or partying. I had more important decisions to make before I could get back my life. Teagan was clearly lost to me already, and it was time to grow a spine and face my problems head on.
As I headed out the door with him, he held my hand, and before he took off for the T downtown, he gave me a slow, lingering kiss. It was a kiss of comfort, reassuring me that everything would work out.
Half an hour later, I parked in my driveway and sat there. I knew my mother was still inside but I couldn’t remember if my dad was out of town. I knew Conner would still be asleep from his concert the previous night. As I walked up the stairs, the door flew open and my mother stood there with a stern look on her face.
“You never once called me to tell me where you were all weekend. I know you were with Teagan, but geez, Lizzie, it would have been nice to get a call. Are you feeling better?” She asked, her tone going from frustration to warmth. How she did that, I didn’t know. It was a trademark Mom thing. Mom never stayed mad or upset for long.
“Mom, I’m old enough to do what I want. I’m not a teenager anymore,” I said as I gave her a kiss on the cheek.
Something in the house smelled dreadful. Oh fuck, was that bacon? All of a sudden, my mind thought of pigs eating slop from a disgusting barrel and I flew past her to the bathroom to throw up bile. Mom came right up beside me and rubbed my back.
“Oh no, you still have the bug,” she said.
I shook my head. As I lifted off the floor, flushed the toilet and threw water in my face, I caught the reflection of my mother in the mirror. She was clearly confused. Did she actually not know what morning sickness looked like? For God’s sake.
I took her hand and led her into the sitting room, facing her on the floral sofa. My head turned down. I stuttered to find the words.
“Lizzie?” she asked.
I looked into her eyes, tears clouding my vision. “Mom, Teagan and I. Well, we made a horrible mistake. Not a mistake, it
was an accident but Mom…”
She cut me off by standing abruptly. “Oh my God, Lizzie. You’re pregnant. You’re pregnant,” she said accusingly.
I slowly nod once.
She came down to sit closer and took my hands into hers. Her eyes were filled with tears and she wiped them away hastily. “So, I’m going to be a grandmother?” she asked. Something flashed across her face. Hope, determination, happiness. Shit, I thought, drawing the word out into a three second drawl.
“Mom.” I grasped her hands. “He doesn’t want it. He doesn’t see things the way you and Daddy do. He has to leave and his traditions far outweigh his morals in this situation. He’s made it clear that it would never be possible for him to go through with this. And I… I… can’t do this alone,” I said with my head turned down, not meeting her gaze.
She tensed and took her hands out of mine like I had burned her.
“Lizzie, you cannot be thinking… We are not that type of family. Babies are a miracle and yes, the circumstances are troubling, but you can’t possibly be thinking of terminating the pregnancy,” she said with vehemence.
I looked her in the eyes and I answered her question with mine.
Just then, Conner came down the stairs, barreling toward us in a white tank top and his baby blue boxers. His red hair stood up every which way and I smiled at his way of making an appearance every time. Then I cringed.
His eyes locked on my mother’s, who was clearly crying now without wiping any wetness away. Conner looked at my swollen eyes and sat down on the adjacent sofa.
“Oh my God,” he said with a look of panic. “What happened? Who died?”
Then my mother started to tremble and sob.
Conner looked at me and I said, “No one died, Conner. But I need Dad here so I can explain. I have a problem and I need my family’s support.”
My mother stood up abruptly, ran up the stairs, and called my dad down from his home office. So he wasn’t away this week. Great, just my luck. Facing the cavalry was the hardest damn thing I’ve ever done. I crossed my arms over my chest then crossed my legs as Conner studied me like he was trying to get the truth from my body language. I gave him a warm smile but he didn’t return it. He was a momma’s boy and no way was he going to let his mother cry without intervening.
Minutes passed before my mom and dad stepped into the room. Both sat on either side of Conner and I sat alone on the sofa. I was alone. Clearly, the physical boundary between us was a show of Mom’s total objection to my decision.
I took a deep breath and spoke gently about how I met Teagan and how we were having fun this summer. I obviously left the obscene drinking out of the equation, but I’m sure that was assumed. I told them how we were careful but no protection is 100% guaranteed...and we were that .001 percent. Dad instantly registered where I was headed and put his head in his hands. Conner looked to me expectantly for the remainder of the story. I only spoke to him as I finished with the choice that I made and listed all the reasons I couldn’t have the baby. No job, no father, no explanation in the long term, no baby.
Dad stood and went back upstairs. He did that when he had nothing nice to say. Conner looked pissed.
“Lizzie, what the fucking hell have you done? And this Teagan guy... What a fucking douche bag. He just wants to leave a girl that he knocked up and never think twice about it? He’s a fucking mother fucker. Where in God’s name does he live because I’m going to beat the living hell out of him.” He started to pace in front of the fireplace. It was funny how Conner sort of made up for the lack of flames with his seething looks at me. Mom stayed quiet on the sofa and continued to weep softly. I started to cry at her disappointed eyes and Conner’s furious tone as he rambled on about how much of a fuck up I was and how I should have known better about shitheads that only think with their dicks. I shuttered at that thought, thinking back on all the times Teagan’s dick wasn’t anywhere near me, but his heart was.
Mom abruptly stood and looked at me with a pointed finger. “There is no way in hell you’re going to get rid of the baby that’s growing inside you. I don’t care what your reasons are. I’ll take care of my grandchild, if no one else will. That is what’s going to happen, and if you don’t accept that reality, then you’re not welcome in this house,” she said sternly then walked out of the room. Soon, I heard sobs coming from the kitchen.
Conner swore under his breath and followed his mother to the kitchen. I watched all my family walk out on me, giving me an ultimatum that I couldn’t take. Every breath I took was ragged and forced. The clutch on my gut was fierce and unforgiving. My immediate reaction was, once again, there in a flash. There was no way I was going to ignore it this time. I ran up the stairs and locked my bedroom door. I grabbed a huge bag and started throwing clothes and accessories in it. It was a flurry of action in my urgency to get the fuck out of that house. That house was no longer my home. It was a place that didn’t accept me. It wasn’t the comforting safe haven that it once was, and I knew without a doubt, that even if I slept in my car, I didn’t have any options. The father of my baby was indifferent, and my own parents were firm in their decision for my destiny. I was trapped, and as my ragged breathing became too much, I zipped up the bag and quietly slipped down the stairs, closing the door with quiet precision.
As I started the car, I looked back to the front porch where I locked eyes on Conner. The desolate look on his face was more than I could bear. I mouthed, “I’m sorry” at him and threw the clutch into reverse. I looked back in my rearview mirror and saw Conner on the steps with his head in his hands. I started to cry. When the trembling got to be too much, I pulled over three blocks away. I had nowhere to go. I wouldn’t go back to Teagan’s like this. He would be upset that my decision was now skewed by my family’s firm pro-life stance. I couldn’t go home because my family rejected my decision, and there was no way I could rip my body apart. I thought through the catalog of people I could go to and only one name came to mind. One person would listen to my story without judgment. He would only listen. He would always be there no matter the distance and the time. I would be able to hide. I would go unnoticed, a nameless face in the crowd.
Twenty-Six
Refuge
I stopped at a payphone before heading north on I-95 towards Newbury. It didn’t take long to find his house. I’d never been there before, since he moved out of the city while I was in Oregon. When I got to the door with my large bag, Sean opened it before I could knock. He gave me a big grin until he saw my face, and then his look changed immediately to concern.
I took in his appearance. A white, old school Metallica tee and rough khaki pants reminded me how long it had been since we spent more than three hours together. As teenagers, we had secret sleepovers at his place. I would crawl through his window in the middle of the night and we’d smoke pot and listen to music. I would end up sleeping there, and even though we never had sex, he cuddled with me like we were an intimate couple. He took my bag and opened one arm for me to come in. He guided me past his roommate on the couch, whom I’ve never met, and directly into his bedroom. Bongs, clothes, and a large music system took up his room. Apart from the cream colored comforter, it was exactly what his room looked like when he lived only miles from me. I sighed and fell face up on his bed.
He put on the Pixies Doolittle album then lay next me. He grabbed the fingers of my hand and stared up at the ceiling. I felt so comforted just knowing that I didn’t have to explain anything going on in my fucked up life. Sean would certainly listen and offer no judgment, but I was embarrassed that he actually met Teagan and I couldn’t listen to another guy making him out to be a giant asshole. If he said anything, it would be that.
“Lizzie, I hate to see that you’ve been crying,” he softly said. I almost didn’t hear him.
“Sean, I’ve really fucked things up. I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared and feel so ashamed of myself,” I said.
“If I had a dollar for every time you said the words, I
fucked up, I wouldn’t have to work anymore,” he said, nudging my shoulder with his.
“I know, I know. But this is monumental. Big. Probably the most fucked up situation I’ve ever been in. My family isn’t speaking to me and I’ve lost a guy I think I’ve fallen in love with. No, I know I’ve fallen in love with,” I said, looking sideways to him.
“That Irish dude?” he asked with a cocked eyebrow. “I was going to tell you. He just doesn’t seem like your type. You normally go for the tall and dangerous bad boy types. He seemed too normal. Not your typical Lizzie guy.”
“Chase wasn’t tall.”
“No, but he was an asshole to let you go, Lizzie. You aren’t someone that I would ever take for granted,” he said.
I turned over and started to cuddle into him. He was the sweetest male friend I’d ever had and I always thought it was too bad that we never had any chemistry together.
“Tell me,” he said, kissing the top of my head.
I repeated the story for the second time that day, thinking I would be telling it for the rest of my life. Every moment of Teagan and my love making, the times we cherished at the wedding and that weekend of bliss. I touched my neck to feel his necklace and it no longer made me feel special. It felt like a slap in the face. I immediately took it off and tucked it into a side pocket of my bag. When I crawled back into Sean’s arms, he asked me what I was going to do. I told him I was leaning towards abortion and he nodded his head, understanding.
“Lizzie, I got a girl pregnant last year,” he murmured. My head shot up and he looked at me with a sad, regretful face.
“She didn’t want the baby and hell, I don’t make enough money to even live on my own, and so she found a place outside of Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Lizzie, I went with her and it was a good place. They were very nice to her, and although it was emotionally painful, they took really good care of her. They made sure she understood all her options, and when we went to the appointment, it was a really most comfortable place despite the reason we were there,” he said.