by Alisa Mullen
“What happened to her?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “We’re still friends. We’ll always remember what happened, but she seems to be doing okay. She’s dating a good guy and I’m happy for her. We were only together a few times and she was on the pill but no one ever told her that the antibiotics for her bronchitis would lower the strength of the birth control.
“Anyway, I’m telling you this because that place should be where you go. You’ll feel as comfortable as you can. I still know where it is so we can look it up for you to call. You don’t want to wait. They told her that the further you are along, the more painful it is,” he said with certainty.
“I would really like that, Sean. Can we call today? I want to get it over with as soon as possible. Then I need to find a place to live since I don’t think my family will ever want to see me again,” I said with a cringe.
He squeezed my hand. Oh, how I loved Sean. He was always there for me, and at that moment, he was the only person I could fully trust. Knowing that he was there for me and with no ultimatum for himself, made him everything to me.
A half hour later, Sean got off the phone and handed me a slip of paper that he had scribbled on. It was the name of the clinic with the address and phone number. I looked down at the paper for a long while before I outstretched my hand to his phone. He sat down next to me on the bed and placed his hand on my knee, squeezing repeatedly.
I dialed the number and a kind voice answered. I took a deep breath.
“My name is Lizzie and I need to schedule an appointment for an…a…termination of pregnancy,” I said, starting to feel stronger as I spoke.
“Yes, dear. How far along are you?” she asked with complete normalcy. Well, she was an assistant at an abortion clinic. Jesus, how can anyone work there? If I had to look at multiple people like me every day, I think I would cry every time I went home.
“I don’t know. I also don’t know the last time I got my period,” I said.
“Okay, well, then it’s important to see you as soon as possible because there’s a period of time that is acceptable for this type of procedure,” she said.
“Okay. I’m available whenever you have an appointment.”
“Let me check the schedule and see when we can get you in next.” She put me on hold and I listened to the soft jazz music over the phone. I hardly registered that Sean was still there, squeezing my knee. I looked at him and a tear fell down my hot cheeks. Never in a million years would I think I’d be there with Sean, making an appointment to get rid of another man’s baby. My life was so surreal.
The woman came on the phone. “Lizzie?” she asked.
“Yes, I’m still here,” I answered.
“Okay, we have a cancellation for next Thursday at one thirty. Can you come in then?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said softly. “What do I need to do to prepare?”
“Good, you will be here about an hour. Please come in sweatpants or something comfortable for after the procedure. You’ll be sore. We do a small therapy session to make sure you’re not being forced into anything and you’ll sign that you want to make this decision over any other. After that, you’ll get a thorough exam to make sure you’re still in your first trimester then the procedure will take about fifteen minutes,” she said.
“So I pay and fill out the forms then? Do you need anything from me now?” I asked.
“You pay when you come here, and yes, you’ll need to fill out other forms, all confidential, of course. All I need from you now is your full name and a phone number to reach you in case we need to move your appointment to another time.” I rattled off my name and gave her Sean’s number. Even if I wasn’t there, he would get me any message I needed.
When I hung up the phone, I lay back on the bed again and listened to Pink Floyd’s The Wall, pouring through all the speakers around the room. Mother, do you think they dropped the bomb? Sean lay back with me and we sang the song together softly. We didn’t speak very much after that. He brought pillows down and plumped them under my head and we cuddled to the rest of the album. Eventually, after the exhausting day, both mentally and emotionally, I fell into a sound sleep that lasted through the next morning.
Sean’s place became my refuge. The next morning, I got onto Sean’s computer and logged into my Yahoo mail account. That there were five messages from Teagan. Email had never been my favorite way to talk to Teagan but the occasional email from him at work would show up in my inbox just to confirm our night’s plans. I had forgotten to call him to let him know I wouldn’t be going back. So much had transpired throughout the day, and the comfort of Sean’s bedroom made me feel safe and secure. I was still lonely without Teagan’s touch but the arctic wall between us was starting to harden now more than ever. It was Tuesday and his friend was coming into town the next day. I didn’t see any reason to head back to Boston for one night with him.
I read over his emails.
Lizzie,
I tried ringing you at home and your brother said you aren’t living there anymore. He was an asshole to me and I think he called me every swear word in the book. He wouldn’t tell me where you went to, and even though I begged, he didn’t give me any information. Please email me and tell me where you are and if you’re okay. I need to hear from you.
T
The rest of the emails were similar but they came more frequently as the hours passed.
I hit reply to his last email.
Teagan,
I’m fine. My family isn’t happy with me and the situation. They don’t like the decision I’ve made so I suggest you don’t call my house again. You’re not one of their favorite people these days. I’m staying with a friend outside of Boston. I made an appointment for next Thursday at one thirty. The address is 4558 Main Street. Portsmouth, New Hampshire. I’m not sure when I’ll be back in town but I do hope you have a great time with your friend. You don’t need to worry about me. I’m safe. If you are coming with me next Thursday, let me know via email and I’ll come pick you up. If you don’t want to go, I have a friend that will.
Lizzie
I started surfing the internet. I wanted to see if there was any information on the clinic. I hoped it wasn’t part of some strip mall or on a busy street. Sean came in with a steaming cup of coffee and I looked at him and smiled.
“Just the way you like it,” Sean said as he settled on the bed with a hard rock magazine.
“You’re so wonderful. Thank you, honey,” I replied.
“So, how long will I be graced with your presence?” he asked, not looking up at me from the magazine.
“Honestly, I don’t know. I would much rather get punched in the stomach than go through this,” I said as I pointed up to the home screen of the clinic.
“Jesus Christ, Lizzie. Don’t say shit like that,” he said, giving me a stern look. “You can stay here as long as you want but I do have to work tonight. I have a few ink appointments.”
As I clicked off the home page of the clinic, I didn’t know what was going to happen to me there. I started to close out the Yahoo window when I saw a new message from Teagan.
Lizzie,
I’m not happy you didn’t come back to me last night. I wanted to be there when you found out about the appointment. How far outside the city are you? I can come to you tonight. I won’t see you until after Sunday and I miss you already. I’m so sorry this is happening to you, to us, baby. You’re always on my mind. Please call me and find a way to see me tonight.
T
I hit reply.
Teagan,
I miss you, too. I’m doing okay but I’m too far outside the city, and it would be a long drive back and forth. I’ll call you Monday and we can talk then.
Lizzie
Sean was looking over my shoulder, and as I closed out the window, I turned to see that his mouth was open.
“That’s him?” he asked incredulously.
“Yes,” I said.
“He says he fucking misses you?
He got you knocked up then dismissed you and the—” I cut him off.
“Stop. I came to you because I knew you wouldn’t have an opinion. I just need you as a friend and as much as he’s hurt me, I went into this with my eyes open. Well, maybe half open. Neither one of us ever thought this would happen, but I know he still has feelings for me. He does,” I reassured myself.
Sean coughed out, “bullshit.”
I scowled at him. He gave me a sad smile.
“He only wanted to get in your pants, Lizzie. And who wouldn’t? You’re an amazing girl and you’re beautiful and smart. You always have been,” Sean said.
I looked at him, not knowing which to object to. Did Teagan only want in my pants the entire summer and even now that I’m pregnant? Am I an amazing, beautiful woman? I stuttered out a few groans and he smiled at me.
“Can we watch a movie?” I asked. “I need my mind off this shit right now,” I said as I got up from his desk.
“Fight Club or The Matrix?” he asked.
“Number one rule of Fight Club!” I exclaimed.
He laughed and intertwined our fingers together before he knelt down in front of the DVD player to pop in the movie.
“I love you, you know,” I said.
“Back atcha, babe,” he said.
The time at Sean’s seemed to straighten out my thinking. There were no influences. It was just me and my thoughts, which cleared every day. Sean went to work every night and I missed having someone to talk to, but when he came home, he always brought me ice cream and we watched a movie until the early hours in the morning. It was comforting, but Sean was not Teagan. I started to think more and more about how Teagan ruined me for every other man. I wanted to be grateful for every moment I spent with Teagan but I really wanted more. I wanted just one more month. Time was running out. Baby or not, I wanted to wake up to his hands stretched all over my body. I thought back to the last night we spent together and smiled. I pocketed that memory in the back of my mind for the future. As pathetic as it sounded, I wanted whatever he would give me for the rest of his time in Boston and when I went to visit him in Ireland. The future was not dim. I could make my future any way I wanted, and if I couldn’t live without him, I’d follow him. I’d beg. Oh God. I was so messed up.
Twenty-Seven
The Greatest Blow
Still at Sean’s on Wednesday morning, my heart squeezed in longing. There was no way I could go to Teagan until Sunday, which I realized happened to be only two weeks before he actually flew back to Ireland. His friend from university was coming into town and he wanted to spend every night with him, not to mention he didn’t have the room for two guests. Some of the other guys were also having friends come so I understood from our previous conversations that I wasn’t welcomed. I would be okay. I had a lot on my plate anyway. I couldn’t help but think that he was pulling away from me. After all the turmoil he had witnessed me go through, I’m sure he wanted to spend his last days in Boston without the constant reminder of me and the pregnancy. I didn’t ask him to go with me to my appointment at the clinic. I just gave him the option. It was up to him whether or not he wanted to be there for me. He said several times that he wouldn’t let me go alone and he wanted to drive me home after. I was happy he would be there. He seemed like the only appropriate choice, after all.
After being at Sean’s for days, I felt like I was overstaying my welcome although Sean would’ve never let me leave if he knew I felt that way. Nonetheless, I decided to call my oldest friend, Shannon, first thing the next morning to let her know that I was going through a hard break up and my parents were being assholes. I told her that I was staying at Sean’s. She quickly came up with an excuse to go to Boston from New York City, where she worked as an assistant to an assistant to an assistant to some fashion mogul. She told me what train she would take that day.
“Let’s go to Mamma Mia!” she exclaimed. I let go of the breath I had been holding. She didn’t broach the subject of the break up or my parents. I could tell she just wanted me to have some fun to get it out of my mind.
“Don’t they have that on or off Broadway?” I asked, smiling. I was trying to be at least a little normal on the outside. Fake it until you make it and all that shit.
Shannon was a dear friend. She saw me go through so much in high school, and yet we always got stuck together. Like Sean, I would often flee to her house for extended stays and her single mom was always happy to have me. I missed her like crazy. I never wanted to live in New York City, but if there was one reason I would move there, it would be only for her.
“Yes, but we need to see it together. We know all the words and we can pretend we’re in Muriel’s Wedding. It will be a blast. We can stay at Mom’s and have a sleepover. Weeee. It will be so much fun!”
I told Sean she was coming down, and because he was feeling a little overprotective of me, he insisted on going to Boston with me. When I told him we were going to a show and he immediately refused, telling me to have a great time. It wasn’t until after lunch with Sean in Newburyport that I said goodbye to him. He asked if I would return and I told him I was homeless so I probably would. I drove down to the train station to pick her up and we immediately went to Faneuil Hall to get the day tickets to the show. We went to the bathroom and prettied up for the night’s events.
Hours later, we came out of the theater, still singing.
“Where should we go?” she asked.
“Uppity or regular pub?” I asked.
“Duh. Uppity. The Greatest Bar,” she announced.
“I just rolled my eyes,” I said, laughing.
When we walked into the loud and crowded bar, we noticed two stools at the counter and immediately took them. Shannon ordered a martini and I ordered a diet coke. I swiveled around and scanned the bar to see if there were any familiar faces.
“Hold my seat. I have to go to the bathroom,” I said, sliding off my stool.
As I headed towards the ramp up to the restrooms, I stopped still. I felt sucker punched. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. I… I…
There, half way up the red carpeted ramp, I saw the back of Teagan’s beautiful head. He wasn’t paying any attention to his surroundings. Everyone around him was casually talking but his head nuzzled into the dark, curly hair of a petite girl. He kissed her bare shoulder as she looked up to him with adoring eyes. I was sick.
I tried so hard to look away but like the aftermath of a car accident, I couldn’t stop. I even craned my neck beyond people walking around me. Just then, I saw Freddie. He stood stunned then immediately jumped over the rail of the ramp. The several steps from the ramp to me were lightning fast.
Freddie stood right in front of me, fully blocking me from the view of Teagan. I stood there shaking, eyes wide open and my hand covering my mouth to prevent myself from throwing up. The pit of my stomach rose up to my chest then up to my eyes. Tears flooded my vision as Freddie put his hands on my shoulder and looked straight into my eyes.
“It’s not what you think, Lizzie,” Freddie said sternly.
I stammered while trying to catch the air from my chest. I looked at him and turned, confused.
“Huh?” I asked.
“Lizzie, that’s his girlfriend, Moira. They are together at university,” he replied. He said it like I already knew about her. He was trying to explain that it wasn’t some random girl but his girlfriend that I must have known about all along.
“Girlfriend,” I stated, stunned. After my initial shock, I gave him the biggest “What the Fuck?” look. Freddie knew he had a fucking girlfriend? Did they all know? After all this time, I never knew. I never fucking knew.
“Oh my God, Lizzie. You, you didn’t know? Moira and Teagan have been on and off for years. They grew up together,” he replied sadly.
“I think they’re back on again.” I laughed with no amusement.
As Freddie slowly nodded his head, I glanced over his shoulder and my eyes met Cian’s. He glanced at me and Freddie for an ins
tant and hastily made his way over to Teagan. Cian barely even whispered something in Teagan’s ear before Teagan whirled around and pointedly looked at me. His chin dropped and his face turned blank, almost impassive. I screamed inside and I couldn’t think about what to do. I looked back at Freddie and put my hands on his arms as if he was grounding me. The bar was swallowing me whole and Freddie was my only anchor. Then I regained my inner courage, I pushed Freddie rather hard and yelled, “You son of a bitch. You lied to me, Freddie! You fucking lied to me. I thought we were friends. I can understand HIS intentions,” I said, pointing towards Teagan. “But what are yours? Why would you never say a fucking thing to me?”
Freddie glanced back towards the ramp and looked at me guiltily.
“Lizzie, please don’t make a scene. She doesn’t know about you either. He just told us tonight to keep you a secret. What the hell did you think he was doing when he asked you to stop coming around? Do you know how many times I picked up the phone to try to see you? I wanted to talk to you. I feel responsible. But this wasn’t my secret to tell. You were with him and I just assumed you knew he was kind of involved,” he said.
I scoffed at him and took a step back like he slapped me. None of me being with Teagan was my idea. He propositioned me. He made me feel special. He tried so hard in the beginning. He was the father of my… My tears were finally dried up, so I wiped under my eyes very quickly and turned to leave. As I walked out the door, I grabbed my purse off the stool and told Shannon I was leaving. I don’t even know if she heard me. She was laughing and I never looked back as I walked out the door to a hot and humid night. Freddie ran out the door right after me.
As I started vigorously walking down the street to my car, Freddie groaned. Where did I go wrong with Freddie? He could have been my constant through this whole summer had Teagan let me be his friend. It was all bitterness just then. He wouldn’t ever understand what just happened to me. I could hear him telling me we need to sit down to talk in the background of my thoughts. I couldn’t hear him. He needed to leave me alone. I lost all of my friends. All of them. They were all gone. The summer was all gone. Did he think he could say anything that would make it all better? I prayed in that moment he would just know. I prayed that he would know that I was hurting more about this than any other moment in time. Teagan would never take the blame, he would never admit to anything. Freddie could never know and for fuck’s sake, everyone needed to know that I was pregnant with Teagan’s baby. I prayed Freddie could read my thoughts. I lost it all. I lost. Game over.