by Alisa Mullen
“Lizzie, wait! Please talk to me. Tell me you’re going to be okay,” he said.
I whirled around to him and my pain was so evident that I couldn’t even look at him.
“Do I look okay, Freddie? That mother fucker screwed me all summer long, both physically and mentally. He did it on purpose. That selfish piece of shit has no soul, no heart, and no conscious. Or maybe that is all Irishmen, hmmm?” I asked with one eyebrow cocked.
My whole body was trembling. Why couldn’t I just shut down and not feel anything? I was so good at that before I met Teagan. I could climb into bed and feel nothing. I would normally brush this whole thing off and chalk it up to another misstep in my life. But he got me pregnant. I had to endure that awful first few days in his arms. I was losing my whole family. I had nowhere to go. I looked around at the people walking by and wished I was anywhere else, anyone else. What about Teagan? He hadn’t lost anything. He stole everything and went on living like I was nothing.
Freddie blanched at me and turned himself out to the street and stood silent. Under his breath, he muttered, “You should have picked me that night.”
“What?” I screamed at him. He was going to be straight with me.
“You should have fucking picked me. I wanted you this whole summer and you chose that bastard. I tried so many times to tell you. Remember my birthday? Jesus, Lizzie, I fell in love with you that night, playing the guitar and on the train. I think about you all the time, and now I have to fucking watch you crumble because of him.” He cried out, pain in his throat.
“Why don’t you tell her what you really think, Freddie?” Teagan said with steadfast calm out from behind us.
I whirled around and stared at him in disbelief.
“Who the fucking shit is she, Teagan?” I yelled.
Freddie came up behind me and placed his arm on mine and murmured for me to calm down. Teagan walked towards me and stood a foot away from my face and said, “She’s an old friend.”
“A friend? A fucking friend? Do you kiss all your friends on their necks while groping their backsides?” I asked incredulously.
He grimaced.
“Oh wait, yes. Yes, you do. Because we are friends, right, Teagan? Summer friends. You are leaving so we could never be anything more but you never once even hinted that you had a girlfriend back home. Don’t fucking lie to me. Freddie already told me about her so your explanation means shit to me.” I held up my hand like that was all I needed to say.
Instead, I went on. I pointed at his face and seethed, “Do you think I would have even let you touch me if I knew you had a girlfriend? Do you think I would have even entertained the idea that you were someone I wanted to get to know as a friend? The minute I knew Cian had a girlfriend, I never looked at him the same. Off limits. This American girl, or so you call me, is not that kind of girl, and fuck you for using me and disrespecting everything that happened between us.” I motioned to my belly where he implanted a baby in me. Bonded.
He didn’t miss my point.
He gave me a pained look and whispered, “She hasn’t been my girlfriend all summer. I came here and she went to Paris. I don’t know what she did there and she certainly doesn’t know about my relationship here. I’m sorry, Lizzie. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“Hurt me? Hurt me? You think me knowing now that you have a girlfriend hurts me? No, it fucking breaks me into crackled specks of dust. It makes every moment I shared with you and I mean, every God damn moment I shared with you, a lie. You are the most manipulative, self serving bastard I’ve ever met and believe me, I have met myself many times,” I said with rage.
“I never wanted you to know, Lizzie. I’m sorry. You, we were just for the summer. She and I have been forever,” he said.
Freddie cursed under his breath, and when I turned to look at him, he was bent over with his hands on his knees like he was going to vomit.
I threw up my arms. “Well, then, get going. Go back to her and start your fucking forever now. I’m not going to spoil anything for you because I have enough sympathy for that poor girl. She will never know the true beast that lives inside you.” My whole body was trembling harder and I wanted to go stand with Freddie and puke, too.
He hung his head and muttered, “Lizzie.”
I popped my eyes open, and in a voice I’d never heard come from myself before, said, “You aren’t allowed to address me by my fucking name ever again.” I clipped each word out so he knew that I no longer existed in his life, nor he in mine.
Freddie came up and put a soft arm around my waist to steady my shaking body and Teagan looked at Freddie, dumbfounded.
“Teagan, it’s time for you to go back inside. You’ve done enough to her. Let it go, man,” Freddie said with a scowl.
The tears started again and I couldn’t understand why. I was so furious, but Freddie’s gentle hand on me made me feel the pain of Teagan’s lost touch. Never again would he kiss my lips or entwine our fingers together. Never again would he whisper that he wanted me and I was the most special girl in his life. He would never look at me the way Freddie was looking at me.
Teagan started to say something back to Freddie. It was obvious Teagan wanted to get into a shit storm fight with the look on his face. He wasn’t going to back down and that was so confusing. How could he even think about fighting for me when there was another woman waiting for him in the bar? I cut him off by holding up my hand.
“Don’t you ever fucking look or even touch me again. You don’t have anything to say to anyone about me. You just lost the right to even think about me. You obviously don’t care about me. I gave you my complete trust and you just stomped all over it. Freddie has and always will be a trustworthy friend. But you? ” I questioned and shook my head. “Leave.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his pretty girlfriend in her innocent little dress and black curls, standing right outside the door, looking perplexed. She had obviously heard my last sentence, and slowly, her hand went to her mouth.
I leaned into Teagan’s ear and took one last whiff of him and whispered, “Look there, Teag. Karma is a fucking bitch.”
Teagan flew around to find her standing there. Immediately, he rushed over to her and drew her close, shuffling her through the door, never looking back at me.
I turned into Freddie’s arms, and he rubbed my back lightly up and down for what seemed like an hour. But even in his comforting arms, he was not Teagan. The pain of his loss seeped in and the bereft took on its force. I pulled away from Freddie and gave him a slight smile.
“I have to go now,” I said quietly.
“Okay, Lizzie. Can I call you?”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea right now, Freddie. Plus, I need to figure out what all this was, what it means now,” I said.
He looked at me with sad eyes.
I put my arm on his shoulder and kissed him on his mouth tenderly.
“Good bye, Freddie,” I whispered. He tried to pull on my arm but I forcefully pulled it from his grasp and started away from him and from all the hurt of the night.
I walked to my car three blocks down from the bar, and started to bawl. I don’t remember when Shannon got to the car, but she immediately pulled me out of the driver’s seat and peeled the car out onto the road home.
“Shannon, one stop before we head to your house,” I said.
She looked over to me with concern. I gave her Teagan’s address. When we got to his apartment, I got out of the car before she turned off the ignition. I ran up the stairs and used my keys to let myself in. Shannon caught the door before it could close and continued to ask what we were doing.
I immediately ran down the dark hallway to Teagan’s room and flipped the lights on. Woman’s clothes were all over Teagan’s bed, and I clutched my gut. I went into the closet, our fucking sleep pad, and went to the place where we kept the condoms. I pulled out all of them and threw half of them at Shannon. She gave me a quizzical look.
“Rip them all open,” I s
aid. “He never fucking slept with her. It isn’t in his traditions,” I said as I air quoted the word traditions.
She smiled and started to rip. Every condom came out and we stretched them open and threw them all over the bed. Shannon disappeared for a minute, and when she came back, she said, “I’ve always wanted to do that.”
A carton of eggs were in her hands, and I smiled at her as I pulled out the last condom and tucked it into the bra at the end of the bed. She handed me three eggs and we quickly put them under the sheets and pillows. I threw a few in Teagan’s shoes in the closet and Shannon ran out to put the carton in the trash, making it seem that nothing was out of the ordinary. They would find out when they returned to this room. That made me smile wickedly. Fucking revenge.
As we walked out, I threw the keys to the apartment on the kitchen bar before we left with the door wide open. I didn’t care if they were robbed. I already knew what it felt like to be exposed and torn apart, and I was certainly going to get over it. That Thursday afternoon at the clinic would be the perfect time to rid him from my soul.
Twenty-Eight
Goodbye Nobody
Sunday afternoon, I took Shannon back to the train so she could go home to New York before her hectic work week. I could tell that she was resistant to leave me after what she witnessed outside the bar on Friday. I didn’t want to share anymore details with her after that, so she kept me entertained with movies and music. She squeezed me tight and made me promise to call her anytime I needed an ear to listen. I also had a hectic week ahead of me, and while I was sure it would be different from hers, I knew it would be a far more memorable one.
Shannon made sure I called Sean to let him know I would be returning to his apartment that afternoon. I could tell from his voice that he was worried and grateful I was coming back to him. I didn’t tell him what I learned on Friday for fear he would defend me in some way. I would try my best to calmly tell him and let him know I would remain strong without Teagan’s support during the coming days.
When I pulled up to his apartment, he was already sitting on the steps with a coffee cup and his rocker magazine. He looked up and quickly came to my side, grabbing the big bag from my passenger seat and wrapping his other arm around me.
“It felt lonely without you here this weekend,” he said. “I’ve been thinking a lot about you not having a place to stay, so I talked with my roommate and you can live here as long as you need to.”
I hugged him fiercely and rubbed his warm back. “Thank you, Sean. It’s hard to believe I don’t have anywhere to go anymore.”
He sighed and reminded me that he was there and I was certainly not homeless. His grip around my waist was gentle and the comfort of knowing that someone cared for me, even through this tragic time, felt nice. It wasn’t everything I’d ever hoped for, but knowing that I had a couple good friends no matter what was just enough for me to start crying.
“I can’t live with you, Sean. I need to spend a few days with you but I have school and I need to stop living for other people. I’m a puppet to everyone in my life. I go where I’m wanted and I don’t even fucking want myself right now. I need to find a place in my heart to become strong again, if I ever have been,” I said through my tears.
He nodded and brought me inside, quickly making me a cup of coffee then putting my bag in his room.
“Are you nervous?” he asked tentatively.
“Yes. But not for the reasons you may think. I’m nervous about what will happen after I heal from the procedure, if I ever do. I’m not making this choice lightly. It’s my baby I’m killing and I don’t think I’ll ever get over that, no matter if I ever have children again. This baby should have been a blessing, not a curse. A curse that has torn my whole circle of people apart,” I said solemnly.
I went to lay on his bed, fatigued and emotional. He sat at the end of it, going through his CD cases. I watched his back and started to talk.
“You can’t turn around and look at me as I tell you about something that happened on Friday when I was with Shannon,” I said.
He quickly turned his head to look at me and I gave him the “Don’t fuck with me” look. He turned back slowly and popped in a Counting Crows CD. I immediately told him to turn that fucking music off. He jumped at my anger and replaced it with Led Zeppelin.
“Talk,” he said, never looking back at me.
“Shannon and I went to a bar in Boston after the show. I found Teagan and his roommates there. Teagan wasn’t alone. His friend, evidently, is his girlfriend from Ireland. She was cute. She was nothing like me. I could tell that he adored her, and his body language told me she was the most important person in his life. I blew up. I said things to him that I’ll never fucking regret. I could see his anguish but I didn’t care. He was nobody to me anymore and yet, he’s still everything. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over him, even if he’s in love with someone else. I suppose this is what Chase feels like right now. The irony of it all is that I told Teagan that karma is a bitch and yet, maybe karma came back to bite me in the ass, after all,” I said with a realization.
He sat there for several moments, waiting for me to say more, but I didn’t. I sat up and put my arms around him and whispered, “I’m so scared of living my life now.” He tugged on my hands and kissed the palms of both.
“I understand that feeling, Lizzie. We all go through shit that we regret but this wasn’t your fault. You fell in love with a man that couldn’t ever love you back,” he said. “I felt the same way for a girl once and I didn’t know how to tell her. I just didn’t want to ever be away from her. When she moved to Oregon, I didn’t know how to live my life. But I figured it out. I let go and the pain slowly dwindled.”
I looked at him over his shoulder and smiled. “You know that we would have killed each other by now, Sean. You’re so important to me that after everything I’ve been through, I would never want that for us,” I said.
He laughed then choked.
“What a fucking asshole you got yourself mixed up with,” he said.
“I know,” I whispered. “No accent will ever tempt this girl again.”
“Can I go with you to the appointment? Please,” he begged.
I shook my head and gave him a warm smile. “I can’t depend on anyone but myself now.”
He nodded. The discussion was over. But inside my head, I continued on. It was time to fucking grow up. Gone was my youth. Gone were my carefree times. Gone was the man who tore my body and soul apart. All I had left was absolutely and completely nothing. I had no pride. One word couldn’t possible encompass what I felt but if I had to choose just one, it would be ashamed. But one quote kept coming back in my mind. No matter where you go, there you are.
We spent the next three days as we had the previous week. Listening to music started to heal my soul. Listening to Sean’s even breathing while he slept gave me solace. Listening to comedy movies and forcing a laugh reminded me that life goes on. Life would never feel complete without Teagan in it, but it didn’t matter anymore. I would eventually turn that situation into much more, and I would pay retribution to the world in some way.
Early Thursday afternoon came too quickly and my head was swimming with doubt and insecurity. My body trembled everywhere, but my heart screamed the most. After packing my bags and a quick kiss to Sean, promising I would call him that night, I left towards the clinic.
As I drove, I thought about nothing. All I did was feel the absolute torture of fear. The clinic was an old house turned into a medical facility. I parked my car under the big oak trees in the small parking lot and took a deep breath. When I made it to the steps, I was immediately frozen with fear. Two armed guards looked at me with a small smile. One man stepped forward and asked me for my driver’s license while the other one held a clipboard of papers.
“Elizabeth O’Malley,” the guard said, holding my ID.
The other guard nodded and made some sort of note on the sheet. As the guard handed me back my ID, he qui
ckly scanned the area. I could tell they had problems in the past and I was relieved that these men cared enough for my choice to stand guard. At least someone was.
The first officer punched in a code to the door and opened it for me. He went inside and gave the woman at reception my name. I was solely focused on the woman as she looked down at her papers and nodded.
“You have a few papers to fill out, honey. I have a clipboard here, and since your procedure has already been paid for, we won’t need anything more than that,” she said.
“What? Paid for?” I asked in astonishment.
“Yes. The young man accompanying you is already in the seating area to the left.”
“I don’t have anyone accompanying me today,” I said.
“Oh. Well, then, there must be a miscommunication. Here, let me meet you around in the sitting room and we’ll get your forms and payment in order,” she said.
I walked tentatively towards the room and scanned it slowly, looking for Sean or Conner, but in the far corner, Teagan sat with his elbows on his knees, looking intently at me. I stared back at him with utter shock. He looked so tired. He looked so amazing. He looked like mine. He stood up to take a step towards me and I stepped back. The receptionist came around the corner and pointed her finger towards Teagan.