Summer Secret

by Raleigh Ruebins

  “Megan! Already?”

  “Guilty as charged,” she said. “He was also on his morning run, and he said his family is staying in a rental house a few doors down from ours. God, Owen, he is so fucking hot, though. Really seems smart and friendly, too. I’m not saying I’m gonna marry the guy, but… I certainly wouldn’t mind a beach vacation fling, you know?”

  “Absolutely. I know exactly what you mean,” I said. “Go for it, Meg. Sounds awesome to me.”

  “He’s so cool. He said he’s from Hawaii,” she said, getting a faraway look in her eyes.

  “Wait,” I said. “Is he really tall, kinda long hair, muscular, almost looks like he could be a merman?”

  “Yes!”

  “Henry?”

  “Yes, his name was Henry. You know him?”

  “His family has been here while ours was a few times over the years. When I was younger, I used to sometimes make sandcastles with him, and then we’d secretly drink beers together when we were a little older. I had no idea he was here this summer.”

  “He seems like an amazing guy,” Megan said.

  “He really is,” I said, smiling. “Fuck, yeah, Megan, I think you and Henry would be great together. If you ever need me to wingman, just let me know.”

  She nodded. “He told me he’d drop by tomorrow. Maybe we could get lunch or dinner together. I’m so excited.”

  “I’m excited for you,” I said. “My mom will be totally brokenhearted if you two date, but she’ll get over it. It’ll be for the best.”

  Megan sighed happily, leaning on the railing, the wind blowing her hair back. She looked genuinely excited. More than I’d seen in her for a long time. I wondered if I would ever have something like that for myself.

  “Now we just have to find dates for you and Max,” Megan said, winking at me.

  Suddenly it came rushing back to me: my dream, how strange I’d felt even sitting across the table from Max earlier today. I’d been doing so good at forgetting it all, but now it was right at the forefront of my mind.

  My instinct was to push it down—I didn’t want to acknowledge it, in hopes that it would be erased from my mind.

  But then I had another impulse. If I couldn’t confide in Megan about this, who could I confide in? Maybe I needed to let it out. In wilderness, there were therapy sessions every day, many of them group-based therapy. Every time, I’d feel like I didn’t want to share any of my thoughts with the group. But every time, I ended up so happy and relieved that I did. Sometimes sharing my issues or feelings with other people ended up making them seem less crazy, like they held less power over me if I let them out into the world.

  “Megan,” I said. “If I tell you something… extremely weird, you promise not to tell anyone, right?”

  “Ooh,” she said, leaning closer to me. “Am I going to get some hot gossip today, too?”

  I swallowed. “Not exactly, but… it is definitely weird. And I definitely don’t want anyone but you knowing it.”

  She nodded. “Okay. I am known for being good with secrets.”

  “You really are.” Megan had kept my wilderness experience secret from Max until I’d told him myself, and I was forever in awe of her kindness.

  “So… what is it?”

  I pulled in a breath, looking out at the foamy white water rushing past the boat.

  “I… I had a dream about Max,” I said.

  She nodded, her face blank. “Okay.”

  “Not a regular dream.”

  “What’s a regular dream?”

  I shrugged. “I mean, I don’t know… it wasn’t just your average dream.”

  “Okay, so what kind of dream was it?”

  I paused, and she raised one eyebrow.

  “You didn’t have a dream that he hated you, right?” she asked. “Max loves you; you know that—”

  “No,” I said.

  “Then what?”

  “It was a sex dream,” I said, probably a little too loudly. One couple looked over at us from across the deck like we were a bug they’d like to squish, then turned away toward the water.

  “Oh,” Megan said, her face slowly cycling through different stages of realization. “Oh,” she repeated.

  “I know,” I said. “I have no idea where it came from. But it was… super intense.”

  “Was this last night?” she asked.

  I nodded. “And then today I felt all weird about it. Like, seeing him this morning.”

  “Well,” she said, relaxing, “it happens. I’m straight, but I have definitely had dreams about kissing girls. Just because you had a one-off dream doesn’t necessarily have to mean anything, unless… you think it does.”

  I shook my head, looking back out at the water. “That’s the thing. I don’t know. It’s like a chicken and egg situation… am I seeing Max differently now because of the dream, or did I have the dream because I was already feeling some strange things?”

  “Strange things?”

  “You know. Strange… feelings. Toward Max.”

  She cocked her head to the side. “Like what?”

  I paused, trying to collect my thoughts. I barely even knew how to process it myself, let alone how to tell Megan. I felt like I’d been pulled by a current ever since I’d seen Max again, and only today was I starting to be aware of it.

  “I can’t explain it,” I said finally. “Things feel different now. Not in a bad way. But sometimes when I look in Max’s eyes, I feel something there. Like, more than what I felt before. More than what I’d feel for most friends, I guess.”

  “Wow,” Megan said softly.

  “Yeah. And… honestly, it’s intense just to have these feelings at all,” I said. “You know, in the past, a lot of things just got blotted out. I was drinking so much that even if I did have strong feelings about anything, I could ignore it just by getting smashed again. I didn’t have to be present for my own life.”

  She reached out and touched my arm gently. “I’m so glad you are now, though.”

  “I can’t express enough how glad I am, too,” I said. “It’s hard, sometimes, but I feel like myself now. I can’t ignore what I dreamed about Max. No matter how strange it seems.”

  “I can’t say I’m not shocked to hear about the dream. But it isn’t necessarily a bad thing,” she said.

  I nodded. “I don’t think it’s bad. I think it’s actually really interesting and exciting, to be honest. Just… a lot.”

  She grinned. “It’s super interesting. That’s for sure.”

  “But I sure as hell don’t know what to do about it.”

  “And you haven’t told him?”

  “Oh God, no,” I said. “Are you kidding? I don’t want to freak him out. I need time to… to process it and figure out what the hell is even going on before I do anything like telling him.”

  “Fair enough,” Megan said. “And thank you, Owen, for sharing this with me. I know you didn’t have to.”

  I laughed softly. “That’s where you’re wrong. I was going nuts not telling anyone. Thank you, Megan.”

  She glanced over toward the other side of the boat, gesturing with a nod. “I think they’re about to start the live music. How about we go dance?”

  I took a deep breath, the sea air making me feel new. “I would love to go dance.”

  On the walk home from the boat ride, Max was at the corner of my mind at all times. Megan and I walked slowly, meandering around the little town of Pearlview Beach, stopping to get sweet cherry ice cream on the way back. I felt a little like I’d been given some new license on life, like my conversation with Megan had made me feel freer.

  But it didn’t last long. Every step closer we got to the beach house, my heart started pounding a little harder. It was one thing to discuss Max with Megan when he was safely far away, nothing but a piece of my imagination. It was another thing to be drawing closer and closer to the real Max. I’d acknowledged the truth now, said it out loud to Megan: something felt different about being with Max. I did
n’t know if my dream was something I should ignore or something I should examine, but regardless, I knew I couldn’t go back to exactly the way things were before.

  I just had no idea what things should look like now between us. Or how to act around him at all.

  When we got back inside the house, Mom, Dad, Patrick, and Taran were lounging on the couch watching some movie. After answering the barrage of questions about the boat trip that my mom threw at us, Megan and I finally went upstairs to change.

  The door to Max’s room was closed. He’d gone to sleep, even though it was early and everyone else was still up.

  I went to my own room and found the bed cold and empty. Of course, I knew I didn’t have the right to expect anything from Max. We’d had one conversation where I told him I preferred having him in bed next to me—it hadn’t exactly been a promise.

  But as I lay in bed, I couldn’t help but remember what he’d said. He told me that he liked it, too. If he liked sleeping next to me, then why avoid me? Could he somehow tell that I had been weird this morning? Was it written all over my face that I’d come to the thought of him?

  It took me at least an hour to fall asleep, guilt rolling through me like the waves I heard outside my window. In the past, these were the feelings I’d drown in alcohol, the things I’d have tried to run away from. Guilt, uncertainty, anxiety.

  But now they were all right here at the surface. Max was in the next room, probably sleeping as soundly as a baby. I wished I could just talk to him—about anything, even the weather. But it didn’t seem as if he needed me the way I needed him.

  6

  Max

  “You’re cheating or something,” Megan said, slapping the sand with her hand.

  “I am not! I just know how to play the game,” Owen replied, grinning, sitting across from her on the beach.

  “It’s not fair. You’ve won, like, ten times in a row.”

  Owen shrugged, tossing his hair back from his face. “Maybe one day you’ll be as good as I am, but today isn’t that day.”

  She playfully swatted him on the shoulder, and he ran down the beach, into the water.

  They had been playing tic-tac-toe, drawing out each game with their fingers in the wet sand. I was lying on my beach towel nearby, pretending to doze, slathered in sunscreen and growing warmer every minute.

  I’d barely gotten any sleep the night before. It was stupid—I’d spent two nights sleeping next to Owen, and then when I finally tried to sleep on my own, it was useless. The bed felt enormous without him, the empty space heavy, like it was mocking me.

  I missed him. And there was nothing I could feel guiltier about than that. Owen wasn’t mine to miss. He was my friend, someone that I was supposed to be there for, and I couldn’t keep my thoughts about him friendly like I needed to.

  And for all I knew, yesterday he’d gone on a romantic boat trip with Megan and they’d kissed under the stars. It was obvious enough that Megan and Owen were the couple that was meant to be, anyway. Ruth had talked about nothing else over dinner last night—she hoped that they’d finally make that connection, that now that Owen was healthy, maybe he would finally end up with her. Somewhere along the way, I’d started to think the same thing. Sure, Owen always told me that he and Megan were just friends, but that all could change in an instant.

  Sometimes people fell in love with their friends. There was no saying that Owen wouldn’t have that with Megan.

  I’d purposely gone to bed early in my own room. I didn’t know if I could bear to be next to him, especially if he’d come home wanting to gush about his beautiful night with my sister.

  Now I was on the beach in broad daylight, and it wasn’t much better. I couldn’t stop looking out toward him in the sea, emerging from the waves, water dripping like little jewels falling over his skin. He was impossibly beautiful.

  Since when did I think of my friend like this? Was I not distracted enough by work? Usually my mind would be full to the brim, thinking about reports I needed to hand in to my manager, but without that constant responsibility, my brain was running wild. I’d jerked off three times in the last day—once in the shower after I’d woken up early yesterday, sliding out of bed before Owen could see my ridiculous hard-on. Then once in the early evening in my room, after Owen had left for his boat trip. And then again this morning, trying to think of anything else but only thinking of him.

  I snapped out of my spiral of thought when I saw someone else coming down the beach—a big guy, tall and burly and tan. After a minute, Megan turned toward him and waved, running over to him. I had no idea who it was, but she acted as if they were friends.

  Owen jogged back up toward me, and I finally sat up, peeking through my sunglasses at him.

  “Hey! You’re up,” Owen said, beaming at me as he plopped down onto the towel next to mine. He was all sunny and happy and perfect, and it only made me feel more like I was about to explode.

  I nodded at Owen, looking over to the man Megan was with. “Who is that guy?”

  “That’s Henry,” Owen said, looking over at them. “His family comes here every summer.”

  “Megan knows him?”

  “Met him yesterday. She’s hanging out with him this afternoon. She kinda likes him, if you catch my drift.”

  I lifted an eyebrow. “Oh,” I said.

  “Why do you sound so surprised?” Owen said. “Don’t think your sister can find a date?”

  I shrugged. “Yeah, I guess,” I said. “Didn’t know Megan was looking for… for someone else.”

  “I don’t know if she was looking or not, but she certainly found him.”

  We watched as they walked down the beach, turning and heading toward one of the houses a few lots down from our house. They went inside, and Owen turned back to me.

  “Well, clearly, we have been ditched.”

  “Too bad,” I said, turning back toward the water. Owen’s body was close to mine, and I found myself slowly going nuts—all I could picture was reaching out, touching his arms, running my fingertips to his collarbone. No matter how hard I tried not to, I couldn’t stop thinking about his lips. Or the soft, downy hair that led from his stomach down into his swim shorts, and where I knew it ended up.

  And then I was thinking about my best friend’s cock and absolutely hating myself for it.

  “Well,” he said, “I suppose if they’re gonna be a couple, we can’t both be third wheels. We’ll just have to be a couple too. Maybe we can go on double dates to the drive-in theater, huh?” Owen laughed, nudging me on the shoulder, then leaning in and giving me a squeeze.

  I felt my whole body clench when he said it. He couldn’t possibly know how that affected me.

  “Owen,” I said, shrugging his arm off me. I took off my sunglasses and tossed them onto the towel, “do me a favor and don’t fucking joke about that.”

  “Oh, Max, I’m sorry—”

  I stood up, striding toward the water, kicking back sand with every step. I made it in quickly and started to swim. I was angry—mostly at myself, but also at the world in general. Why was I like this? Why couldn’t I be a good friend? I’d just acted like a petulant child and been rude to Owen, all because he told a silly joke that set me off. All because I was worried that if I spent another minute with his arm around me, I’d get hard, and he’d see it.

  I swam forward quickly, grateful for all the times I practiced my breaststroke at the gym pool. I was a fairly strong swimmer, and finally I was getting some use out of it. I started swimming to the side, in the opposite direction of where Megan and Henry had walked.

  “Hey!” I heard faintly in the distance. Owen was coming after me. I wasn’t going to stop, though. It was too much. I needed some space from him, needed to clear my mind and make sure I wasn’t going to break down in front of him or say something totally stupid that I’d regret instantly.

  And so I swam. And kept swimming for what felt like an hour but was probably only twenty minutes. My muscles started to ache and burn, bu
t I kept going, so far that I couldn’t even see our own beach house anymore when I turned around. I was still close to land, but I had ended up in a small embankment in between two little clusters of beach houses. I wasn’t unsafe, but I was alone and glad for it. I stopped for a moment, treading water and breathing heavily, surrounded by nothing but rocks.

  I could do this. I could explain to Owen that I needed some space, blame it on being stressed about work or something. He was tenacious, but he was respectful. He wouldn’t have to know I only needed space because I was too into him.

  And then I could just wait it out. Wait until my body calmed down after seeing him for the first time in months. Wait ‘til I didn’t have to spend every waking moment near him, temptation looming, taunting me like a carrot in front of a horse.

  I could have self-control. Even if it meant asking for space from the person I deeply didn’t want space from.

  Minutes later, in the distance, I could see Owen swimming after me. My urge was to keep going, swim away, swim as far as I could in the opposite direction, but all at once I felt the will draining out of me. I was tired. I’d probably only gotten four hours of sleep, and I knew I couldn’t outrun Owen forever. I treaded water toward the land until I was able to stand. The water was still up to my shoulders, but I no longer had to expend my energy swimming. I’d need that for the conversation I was about to have.

  “Max,” Owen shouted as he swam up, and I took a deep breath as he approached. “Max,” he repeated, “are you okay? What’s wrong? I’m sorry. Did I make a joke out of line?”

  It felt like there was fire in my veins as he finally stopped in front of me, breathing as heavily as I was, his eyes focused on mine. His face was nothing but genuine concern.

  He cared about me. So much. And here I was, unable to be genuine with him. I was so angry at myself.

  “For fuck’s sake,” I muttered under my breath, shaking my head.

  “What did I do?” he asked, coming a little closer toward me.