Letters Home

by Rebecca Brooke

  In answer, I twined my legs around him and used my heels to shove him farther into me, both of us crying out at the deeper penetration. Nate’s body picked up a steady rhythm, faster and faster, higher and higher, until we both found the release we were looking for and Nate dropped his forehead to mine, his skin coated in sweat. “I love you so much, Dani.”

  Cupping his face with my hands, I lifted his head. “I love you with all my heart, Nate.”

  We spent the rest of the night wrapped up in each other’s arms, just as a couple should spend their wedding night.

  We could worry about the deployment tomorrow.

  As much as you try to be strong enough, there are some days you just can’t do it.

  After a week of hiding our marriage from our parents, Nate and I both agreed that we needed to tell them. Our original plan to keep the marriage quiet and proceed with the “big” wedding once Nate returned from deployment—while the easy option—was beginning to eat away at us, the guilt seeping into every facet of our life. Neither of us felt good about deceiving the ones we loved. The fact that even the mere thought of removing my ring made my heart ache didn’t help either, and I had no desire to see Nate’s finger void of the symbol that showed the world he belonged to me.

  Thankfully, they took the news better than I’d expected. Sure, they were disappointed they’d missed the ceremony, but understood why we’d done it. With only one week left until Nate left for three months, we spent as much time together as we could. One thing that changed immediately was me staying late at work. When I explained to Tina why, she was more than understanding and I made sure she knew that once Nate left, the only thing I would have to focus my time on would be work.

  Everyone seemed really happy for us, and it helped that we promised to still hold our “big” wedding when Nate got back. But as we got closer and closer to him leaving, the knot in my chest tightened, which didn’t really make sense since we’d done this before…except, this time we were married. Another worry was that the last few times he’d left I’d still been struggling to finish school, so the time had seemed to pass very quickly. I wasn’t so sure that would be the case this time. I wanted my husband by my side. But I’d known the sacrifice that was required when I agreed to marry him.

  The night before last Nate had come home with all of the paperwork we needed to fill out to officially list me as his wife. Ironically, it reminded me of the very first time he’d been deployed…

  “Nate, what are you doing?” I’d asked, standing in the doorway. He’d been preoccupied all day, but the creases around his eyes let me know that whatever was bothering him weighed heavily on his mind. The deployment had been looming over our heads for weeks and he was so worried about leaving me alone, even though I tried to reassure him that I’d be fine. That didn’t stop him from trying to do everything he could to make his deployment easier on me. He’d made sure to direct deposit his check into my account and set up all of his bills to come out of there. He’d even gone so far as to make sure everything on my car was up to date. Then there were some plans that I really didn’t want to discuss because the thought of having to worry about that made my stomach churn, even though I knew it was just part of it. All of the soldiers did these things before leaving, it was just something I avoided at all costs.

  Since this was our last night together for at least a year, or until he was granted leave, I planned on taking advantage of the time. I just had to convince him that we should be spending the night in bed—instead of him worrying about what he might have forgotten to take care of.

  “Just tying up a few loose ends.”

  Making my way into the room, I watched as he put the remaining papers in a folder and turned to face me. Right before I sat down on his lap I noticed him tuck a few extra sheets in. I took his face between my hands. “You’ve taken care of everything. I promise I’ll be okay. I’ll miss you more than anything, but I’ll be okay.”

  “I just worry about you. This was my choice and I feel like I’m letting you down.”

  Leaning forward I tilted my head and brushed my lips across his, igniting a tingle and my need for him began to course through my body. “You’re not letting me down. This was always a possibility when you joined the Army, and I knew that when I made the decision to stay with you. Even though this will be hard on both of us, we’ll get through it.” I dropped my hands and wrapped them around his waist, pulling his shirt out of his pants. “Now, we can spend the rest of our last night together debating your decision, or we could spend it in each other’s arms.”

  He smiled, the first genuine one I’d seen in days. “Dani, I love you so much.” Moving his arms under my legs, he’d stood up with me in his arms and carried me to the bedroom, where we’d spent the night happily proving how much we really did love each other…

  “Dani?” Nate snapped his fingers in front of my face and I gave myself a mental shake.

  “Sorry, I zoned out.”

  “I could tell,” he chuckled. “What were you thinking about?”

  I sighed. “I was just remembering the first time you were deployed.”

  “Ah,” he said, reaching over to cover my hand with his. “I remember. But just remember how long that was—this time it will be a breeze in comparison, and I’ll be back before you know it.”

  “I know. It just feels different this time.” My eyes dropped to the table.

  His hand squeezed mine on the table, his fingers playing with the rings sitting at the base of my finger. “That’s cause it is. This time you don’t have school to keep you preoccupied, but just remember, at the end of this deployment I get to come home to my wife and hold her in my arms for an eternity.

  Just like that first deployment, one of us was able to bring a smile to the other’s face. The need to be reassured was overwhelming, just like it was for that night but he still managed to make me smile. “Yes, you do.”

  Leaning up and over the table I took his lips with mine. The soft texture made me want to deepen the kiss. My tongue slipped out and ran across his bottom lip and a groan escaped his throat as he gripped the back of my neck, holding me close. And as we made it to our bedroom, I vowed to myself that I would make the memories of tonight, and each night up until he left, enough that he’d spend the nights he was away remembering just how much I loved him.

  The days of spending as much time together as we could passed quickly, and the time for deployment finally arrived. We got up early so that we’d have a few hours together before he was gone. Not that I’d actually slept the night before. It was so hard lying in bed, looking at all of Nate’s stuff packed in the corner of the room like an unfriendly reminder. It sat there taunting me that tomorrow night I’d be going to bed all alone. As much as I wanted the clock to stop it seemed to speed up, every minute drawing us closer to goodbye, and before I knew it I was helping Nate load everything into the car. He held my hand the entire way there, while the back of my throat burned with my effort to hold back the tears.

  We pulled up to the deployment area and the first person I saw was Colin. Nate walked up and pulled him into a guy hug.

  “You ready to be stuck with me twenty-four seven for the next three months?” Nate joked.

  Colin punched him in the arm. “Only if you promise not to try and cuddle up next to me in your sleep, thinking I’m her,” Colin said, pointing to me. He turned then and wrapped me in a tight hug. “How you holding up?”

  I shrugged, trying to not let Nate see how much this was affecting me. “It is what it is.”

  He bent down and whispered in my ear, “He’s hiding it well, but he’s as upset as you are.”

  It was Nate’s turn to punch Colin. “Get your lips off of my wife’s ear.”

  Their banter gave me a brief reprieve from thinking and while it was welcome, it was short-lived. Seeing all of the men in their uniforms, it was kind of hard to forget why we were there. I watched Nate for a minute to see what Colin was talking about. Everything in his face
said that this was part of his job and he was going to do it well. But I knew him. I could see something else in his eyes. It was just like Nate to keep his feelings from me if he knew they would upset me. But he was wrong. Knowing this was hurting him just as much as it was hurting me didn’t make me feel worse—it actually made me feel less alone.

  A few minutes later the men started to line up. That’s when Nate turned to me, and I could no longer hold back my tears. They flowed freely down my face. Nate cupped my cheeks with his hands and used his thumbs to wipe them away. “Dani, please don’t cry. I hate it when you cry.”

  “I can’t help it. I don’t want you to leave.”

  “I know, but I promise it’ll be over before you know it.”

  I nodded. “But I can’t help the tears. You better get used to it now you’re stuck with me forever.”

  He bent down and covered my mouth with his and without a second’s hesitation, I opened, letting his tongue slip inside, using that time to savor the taste of him, holding onto the memories that would keep me warm for the next few months. When he pulled away we were both breathless, yet his eyes focused on me with such intensity. “Dani, I love you so much.”

  “I love you too.” I blinked back the moisture trying to escape my eyes.

  “I promise to call you as soon as I can.”

  “I know you will.” My soft crying quickly turned to sobs.

  Nate pulled me roughly into his arms, holding me tight, giving me a moment to cry. I did everything I could to pull myself together. This was not what Nate needed right now. Bending down he whispered in my ear, “I’ll miss you with everything in me. Think about me and know that I’ll be thinking about you.”

  I nodded, unable to speak without getting myself worked up again. Slowly, Nate pulled back and bent down to pick up his bag. “Bye, sweetheart.”

  “Bye, honey. I love you so much.”

  “I love you too.” He winked at me and walked over to join the rest of the troops. Watching him walk away was a struggle. Because although I was proud of him and his sense of duty, that didn’t mean I was going to miss him any less.

  The benches were cool when I sat down, surprising considering the summer weather. The men lined up and listened to the speech given by their commanding officer. Time had stopped rushing by and seemed to slow down to an agonizing crawl–now that I’d brought Nate here, I wanted him to get this deployment started so that he could come home sooner.

  When it was time for the men to load into vehicles to be taken to their flight the vice in my chest tightened even further, and while I stood there waving to the buses the skin around my eyes tightened, the breeze drying the tears I was unable to stop myself from crying.

  It seemed silly because this was the life I’d chosen. Maybe if we hadn’t just gotten married things would be different. I doubted it. It didn’t help that this was the first time since that first deployment that I’d been there to see him off, absent from all the others because I’d been away at school. Nate would usually visit me the week before and we’d say our goodbyes in private. There was something decidedly different between knowing he was leaving, and watching him do it. This was something that I was going to have to learn to deal with.

  So while I walked back to my car, alone, I did my best to hold my head up and think about how much worse this could be. Nate could be getting deployed for a year or more. Really, three months was no time. I could do this. I had to. But the minute the car door closed, I lost it. Huge sobs racked my body and I let them go, knowing that the harder I tried to keep them bottled up the worst I’d feel. After a few minutes I was able to calm down enough to drive myself home, and by the time I pulled into the driveway I’d stopped crying.

  After about an hour at home by myself I decided to head into the office. Even though they had given me the day off, there had to be something I could work on. It would keep me busy and give me something else to focus on, besides counting the days on the calendar. The idea wasn’t as ridiculous as I’d originally thought because when I got there, Tina was not surprised to see me.

  “I should tell you to go home but I know that’s pointless, so here’s some more information on the mother,” she said, handing me a thick folder.

  “Thanks, Tina,” I said, and taking the folder back to my office, I went to work.

  I kept myself buried under paperwork for the next week. It was late when I’d get home at night, leaving me just enough time to eat dinner and check my email before going to bed. Nate always emailed me once he got settled. That first email would usually let me know when he would have a chance to call too. When I hadn’t heard anything by Tuesday of the next week, I started to get frustrated. It was rare to go this long without hearing from him. Each day when I got home from work, I hoped to find a message in my inbox and when I finally received a message from Nate saying that he’d be calling the next night around eleven, the butterflies in my stomach went crazy. It seemed like forever since I’d heard his voice and the idea that I’d get to see him on Skype too…that was everything.

  That night I went to bed and tossed and turned for most of the night. My whole body was full of jitters. The next day I went to the office and threw myself into my work just like I’d done every day since Nate left, but it was harder than I thought it would be to keep focused. I had so much on my plate yet my eyes continued to stray to the clock, willing it to move faster. Unfortunately, it didn’t want to cooperate. Since Nate wasn’t calling until late, I decided to stay at work late. No need to go home and sit in an empty house and stare at the clock.

  Reaching a good point to take a break I put away the files and headed home. There were still a few hours until Nate called so I tried to keep busy. With adrenaline coursing through me I cleaned the bathroom, living room, and scrubbed the kitchen floors to a shine. Feeling pretty dirty after all of that, I looked at the clock for probably the twentieth time since I got home and realized that I had enough time for a shower—although I still raced through it in case Nate called early. I rushed to get dressed and get comfortable on the couch with my laptop open. The length of time we could spend talking was never set in stone, always varying. Usually at the beginning of the deployment time was shorter because everyone wanted to call their families. As the deployment continued the calls were spaced out so each soldier could spend more time on the phone.

  About fifteen minutes later the call came through. When the call connected, I breathed a sigh of relief. It felt like the weight on my chest had been lifted a bit. I knew that feeling would end when the call was disconnected, but I was going to bask in it while I could.

  “Hey, sweetheart, what have you been up to?” Nate smiled. It gave me a sense of peace to be able to see him again, even if I couldn’t touch him.

  “Working.”

  “Dani, don’t tell me that you’re spending all your time working again?”

  I fidgeted in my seat. Nate hated it when I used work to cope with stressful situations. “Maybe,” I said in a small voice.

  “Dani,” he warned.

  “All right, all right. I’ll call Marissa and Liam and see if they want to have lunch or something.”

  “You better, or I’ll call Liam myself.”

  I raised my right hand. “I promise. How are things over there?

  “Hot, but quiet.”

  “Well, quiet’s a good thing, right?”

  “Absolutely, but we still have to put up with Colin. He says ‘hi,’ by the way.”

  “Tell him I said ‘hi’ back. It feels weird sleeping here all alone. Every other time you were overseas, I had my own place so it wasn’t strange to be sleeping there by myself, but here…”

  “You have no idea how much I wish I was there, sleeping next to you.”

  “Me too.”

  We spent the next twenty minutes just talking as if we were in the same room, but all too soon his time was up. “Dani, promise you are going to at least attempt to have a social life while I’m gone? You can’t just hide away u
ntil I get back.”

  “I know, and I promise to call them tomorrow.”

  “It makes me feel better knowing that you are spending time with your family and friends.” Nate turned his head and yelled to someone behind him. “All right, sweetheart, I’ve gotta go, but I’ll call again soon.

  “I love you, Nate,” I said blowing a kiss at the screen.

  “Love you too.” He caught the kiss and blew me one of his own.

  “Sweet dreams.”

  And just like that our call was disconnected. The lightness that I’d felt talking to Nate instantly disappeared, but I took solace in the fact that I was feeling much better than I had in the last week. Just hearing his voice had soothed me somewhat, and that night I went to bed and dreamed of Nate and his homecoming.

  The next day I made sure to call both my brother and Marissa. Liam and I decided to have dinner that weekend. Since Nate and I got married, my parents had decided to keep traveling—at least until it was closer to when Nate would return and we could finish planning the second wedding. When I talked to Marissa she already had plans, but suggested that we have lunch the following weekend.

  After that, time moved back into its pattern: work, dinner, and sleep. By the weekend, though, I was ready to relax. Liam and I had a wonderful time, spending most of the night joking about all of the stupid things we did as kids. By the next week I was pulling back my hours slightly at work. I re-enrolled in my yoga class. It had been too long.

  The following weekend came pretty quick and I was finding that, as time went on, I was more relaxed than I had been since Nate left. There was something about multiple messages from Nate in a week that made me feel like the time would pass more quickly than I’d originally thought. I ended up meeting Marissa in town for a bite to eat and, wanting to spend some more time together, we decided to head back to my place to have coffee and chat. In the middle of our conversation about the guy she was currently dating—who, for once, didn’t sound like a complete loser—there was a knock on the door.