Letters Home

by Rebecca Brooke

  “We’ve had a request from Sgt. Lewis’ wife, who has something she wants to say,” Chaplain Hayes said to the room.

  I rose slowly from my seat to walk to the podium, but before I could take a step Liam placed a restraining hand on my arm. “Danielle, are you sure?”

  Turning, I looked my brother, his brows drawn together in concern. “Yes. This is something I have to do.”

  After a moment he let go and I made my way to the front. Chaplain Hayes gestured toward the microphone. The room was silent, so many eyes watching me, waiting to hear what I had to say.

  “Thank you so much for coming, everyone. I know this is going to be hard, but the way I see it, many of my husband’s friends are thousands of miles away and I just don’t think he should have to wait until they return for the proper send off, so here goes.” I sucked in a deep breath and spoke directly from my heart—just like Nate asked me to on our wedding day. “Nate was my world. He was my everything, and I was his. He was my sun, and moon, and stars. Since we were seventeen, Nate had been my rock and to be honest, I really don’t know what I’m going to do without him. He loved being a ranger and I was so proud of him for all that he accomplished, even when his job took him away from me. He cheered me through law school, especially when I wanted to give up. He always knew what to say to brighten my spirits. I’d give anything to hear him say ‘I love you, Dani’ just one more time.” I turned to face the coffin, tears streaming down my face. “I wish you could be here with me right now. I miss you more than words can possibly say. My light is gone and I’m not sure what to do. You always had the answers, but now I need to find them myself. Know that you will always hold my heart. You are my one and only.” With nothing left in me I sunk to the floor, letting the grief take me. Liam and my father rushed forward and helped me back to my seat.

  Chaplain Hayes took his place again, his voice a bit shaky and when I looked up I noticed the glistening in his eyes. There wasn’t much left of the sermon and it wasn’t long until men in their dress uniforms came to the front to carry Nate’s coffin to the waiting car. I watched it pass by, knowing that we were near the end—the moment I would have to let go forever. The cemetery was pretty close and once we were all loaded into the cars it took no time to get there.

  The chairs were already set up near the gravesite. A shiver ran down my spine just looking at it. Just as in the chapel, I sat next to Nate’s parents, with Marissa taking the extra seat on the other side of me. Chaplain Hayes had more to say at the grave and while I tried to listen, I just didn’t have it in me to pay attention. The day was beautiful: the wind light, the sun warm but not hot. The perfect day for a picnic, like the ones we use to take.

  The first shot of the guns ripped right through me, every single one breaking another piece of my shattered heart. At that moment I was sobbing uncontrollably, to the point I could barely hear the bugle playing. By the time the song finished and I watched them fold the flag before handing it to Chaplain Hayes, I was having trouble drawing breath. Chaplain Hayes squatted down in front of me and placed the flag in my hands.

  “Danielle, look at me and following my breathing.”

  I did as I was told and after a few attempts I was able to calm myself. It was over. I was officially a widow. Unable to handle anything else, I withdrew inside my head and let people lead me to where I needed to be. The wake was being held at Nate’s parents’ house because our place was not big enough. Staying inside my head had been an easy choice to survive the rest of the day but later, at home, would be a different story. Nodding at the people who came up to offer their condolences, I sat in the corner and watched everything unfold before me, except, it didn’t feel like I was there. It was like I was watching from somewhere outside my body. This couldn’t really be happening to me.

  At the end of the night Liam took me home.

  “I don’t want to stay here tonight,” I whispered to him when we pulled into the lot.

  “If you want you can stay at my place tonight,” he said, letting out a breath that seemed as if he’d been holding it all day. “I’ve been so worried about you.”

  “You don’t mind.”

  “Really? You know I’ll do anything to protect my little sister. Do you want me to come in with you so that you can grab some stuff?”

  “Please.”

  He nodded and got out of the car the same time as me. I headed straight for the bedroom to pack a bag. After collecting all of the things I would need for the next few days, I looked around the room to make sure I hadn’t missed anything. That’s when my eyes landed on the picture by my bed. Reaching out I picked up the picture to look it at, my throat starting to burn.

  “I’m sorry, Nate.”

  I took the picture over to the closet and placed in a box at the top. It was the first time since it had been taken that it hadn’t sat next to my bed. Grabbing my bag, I turned and walked out of the door, leaving behind the memories that would haunt me if I stayed.

  5 months later

  Somehow you find the strength to move on, even if it means you bury your pain so deep you

  forget how to feel.

  “No, I’m not going. I have to be in court Monday and I still have a ton of work to do here,” I said into the phone propped on my shoulder.

  “Danielle, you need to take a break, and tonight happens to be the perfect opportunity,” Liam lectured from the other end.

  It had been five months since Nate’s funeral. I’d moved out of our apartment and in with Liam. It was the best decision I could have made, especially seeing as for the first two weeks I didn’t get out of bed often. There didn’t seem to be a need. Even the holidays had been their own form of hell. My family checked on me, Nate’s parents even stopped by once in a while to see how I was doing. One day after a visit with them, I decided that I couldn’t hide in my room anymore. It was time for me to function again. I needed to go back to work.

  So after three weeks I was back in the office, throwing myself into my work, every case getting one hundred and ten percent of my attention. My life revolved around my job. Who was I kidding? I didn’t really have a life. But that was okay with me since it only caused heartache. But about a month after Colin got back, he, my brother, and Marissa made it their mission to get me out of the house more often.

  Up until recently, I’d been able to hold them off. There had been a ton of work to catch up on from the cases that hadn’t been passed onto someone else. However, as the time passed, I was able to get everything done and without the need to stay late at the office the pressure to socialize became relentless. They would take turns calling me at nights, Liam bugging me to go out the minute I stepped through the door. Eventually I’d have to give in, but only when I couldn’t put them off any longer, something I had feeling was getting closer than I liked.

  “How about another night?” I offered, digging through the papers on my desk, deciding what I needed to take home.

  “You say that every night. This time you’re not getting out of it. One drink and if you try and say no, I’ll drag you out of your office or the house myself. So don’t think you can hide from me.”

  Damn. He knew me too well, and it wasn’t like I could call Marissa for help because she was probably in on it. While I was thinking of another place to go, Liam’s voice piped up again. “Don’t bother trying to hide. Marissa is already in the parking lot waiting for you. And she has your car blocked into its space. So give up gracefully and get in her car. I’ll see you there.”

  “Liam? Liam?” That’s when I realized he hung up. Maybe he was bluffing. I peeked out the blinds and sure enough, Marissa’s car was parked behind mine. It really wasn’t a surprise—they’d been looking for any way to con me into doing something besides working, eating, and sleeping. I wasn’t really sure why I was fighting them so hard. Just because we were hanging out for the night didn’t mean I needed to look for someone new. It wasn’t what they expected of me when they’d asked me to go, although, that’s kind of
what it felt like, and that was something I had no interest in. Sighing, I picked up my bag and headed out the door toward Marissa’s car.

  “Hey, sweetheart, I’m so glad that you decided to join us.”

  “Well, it’s not like you really gave me a choice.”

  “True, but I’m glad you didn’t fight harder.”

  I rolled my eyes at her, knowing she couldn’t see me in the dark car. “So, you want to tell me where we are going?”

  “No, you’ll see when we get there. Just be glad we didn’t let Colin pick.”

  “Oh God, I can only imagine.”

  Colin’s usual choice was out to the bars. When he got back, his whole outlook had changed. He wanted someone to spend his time with. Part of me thought he was afraid to miss out on what Nate and I had, even if it had only been for a short while. He also seemed determined to get me out of the house, saying that Nate wouldn’t want me to be alone and he felt that it was his job. Colin had taken Nate’s death almost as bad as I did, I could only guess that this was his way of coping.

  We pulled up in front of my favorite sushi place. It was hard to keep scowling when it was obvious they’d put a lot of thought into tonight. I got out of the car and tried to glare at Liam, but it was almost impossible to keep a straight face.

  “I’m so glad you came.” Liam smiled.

  “Oh, so you didn’t kidnap me and I’m free to go?”

  A strong arm wrapped around my shoulders. “Aw, don’t be that way. We’re gonna have fun tonight,” Colin said.

  “And I’m sure you have everything planned, right?” I asked.

  “We figured we’d start with a dinner that doesn’t come from a takeout container and work up from there.”

  I smiled, one of the few genuine smiles I’d been able to produce in a long time. The idea of dinner with friends was something to enjoy. “So, who’s paying?”

  “Dinner’s on me,” Liam said.

  “All right then, if you insist.”

  Liam shook his head at me and led us into the restaurant. It had been so long, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d actually sat down and eaten a normal meal. We were seated immediately, but for the first time since I’d come to this place, I actually looked at the menu. I wanted something different than my usual. It seemed silly, but this could be my first night on the way back to living my life.

  After trying to pick just one thing from the menu, we decided to order a selection and share them. For the first time in a long time I laughed freely. I told them about my upcoming cases, while Colin told us about his latest adventure in dating—boy, did he need lessons—to which Marissa promised to give him advice on how woman like to be treated.

  Despite my initial reservations, I’d had a good time and by the time we left it was late. Since I didn’t need to be anywhere first thing, Liam promised we’d get my car in the morning, which was fine with me.

  When we got back to the house I went right to my room and crashed. It had been a really long week and I was exhausted. The long hours I’d put in were beginning to take their toll. I lay down in bed and looked at the picture of myself and Liam as kids. It reminded me of a simpler time. A time when I didn’t have any worries or cares in the world.

  Something startled me awake. I reached over to check the time on my phone. Nine forty-five. Wow. That was late, even for me. It took a few minutes for me to realize what had woken me in the first place. The doorbell rang again, followed by a loud knocking. I forced myself out of bed and went to see who was there. Peeking through the blinds, I saw a sight I hadn’t seen in five months. My heart raced and breathing became difficult as the air rasped in and out of my lungs. I needed to calm down before I opened the door to see what he wanted.

  “I’ll be there in a minute,” I called through the door, then hurried back to my room to make myself presentable while I tried to figure out what he could possibly be doing here. A few minutes later, I was dressed, my hair and teeth brushed, and I was on my way back to the door. Placing my hand on the knob, I sucked in a deep breath before opening it. The last time I’d opened the door to a man in uniform, my world was turned upside down. Colin even made every effort not to wear his fatigues in front of me. The door swung open and there stood a solider, brown hair, blues eyes and very attractive. Our eyes connected and it was if we were frozen in place. Even if I’d wanted to I couldn’t look away. Embarrassed by my behavior, I forced my eyes away from his and shook my head to clear it.

  Remembering my manners, I asked, “Hi, can I help you?”

  “Yes, I’m looking for Mrs. Danielle Lewis,” he said.

  I winced. “I’m Danielle, but I go by Renton now.” It was too painful to answer phones or sign documents with Nate’s last name. I knew it was selfish, but it was something I needed to do for me.

  “Yes, ma’am. Sorry about that. I’m Sgt. Tanner Marano.” He reached out his hand to shake. “I was a member of your husband’s unit. I’m so sorry for your loss. Nate was a good guy.”

  “Thank you, Tanner. Would you like to come in?”

  “Yes, ma’am, thank you.”

  “Don’t worry about the ma’am—just call me Danielle. Would you like to sit down?”

  “Okay,” he agreed taking a seat on the couch.

  “Can I get you something to drink?”

  “No, thank you.” His knee beginning to bounce up and down.

  I took the seat opposite him. “I have to apologize, I don’t remember you from the memorial service.”

  “Don’t apologize. I wasn’t there. Unfortunately, I was needed in Germany when our three months were up. I was there for three more months. That’s why I’ve taken so long to get here.”

  “What do you mean ‘get here’?”

  “When we left, Nate gave me something to give to you…if something were to happen to him. I should’ve delivered it when the unit returned to base, but he also made me promise to deliver it myself, in person. So I’ve held onto it, waiting to be sent home to the states.”

  There was a slight tremble throughout my body. What could Nate possibly have given him? The twist in the conversation had unwanted memories forcing their way to the forefront of my brain.

  “Do you have it with you?”

  “Yes.” He pulled a long, beat up envelope out of his pocket and handed it to me.

  “Do you know what it is?”

  “A letter to you. Do you want me to leave?”

  I was beyond answering as I looked down at the envelope in my hands. With shaking fingers, I flipped it over to see Nate’s beautiful handwriting on the front. Danielle, my love. The same as on the letter asking me to marry him. Flipping it back over, I slid my finger beneath flap and ripped it open. It was a good thing I hadn’t eaten anything, since the nausea was overwhelming. Inside the envelope was another letter.

  Without a second thought about Tanner being there, I unfolded the paper and began to read his words.

  My dearest Danielle,

  This was one letter I hoped you would never have to read. If that time has come, there is so much I want to say to you, but I’m not sure any letter would be long enough. I’m so sorry for leaving you alone. Please know that with every fiber of my being I tried to return to you. Being with you was the most important thing to me. But sometimes things don’t always happen as we hoped they would. Sometimes we just have to learn to live with the hand we were given, and make what we can of it. As much as it hurts, unfortunately it’s part of life.

  I remember the first time I saw you when I walked into Math, junior year. The simple sight of you stole my breath and from that moment on, I knew you’d be mine. You were everything to me and I know that I was everything to you.

  I can’t even try to imagine the pain you are feeling at the moment, and I wish I was there to hold and comfort you. It always broke my heart to see you cry, and yet I know that nothing can stop that now. Please promise me something. Promise me that you won’t let my memory keep you from living your life. All I ever wanted in
life was your happiness. You were and forever will be my one and only.

  Love,

  Nate

  The words I’d spoken so long ago came rushing back to me, as the tears ran unchecked down my face, the paper covered in small little droplets of moisture. All the emotions that I’d worked so hard to contain the last few months broke free at seeing Nate’s words to me. The feelings consumed me, forcing the sobs from my body. But underneath all of the pain and anguish was anger at the unfairness of it all. Why did it have to be Nate?

  Hands clenched into fists at my sides I advanced on the only other person in the room, and for the first time since Nate died, I let it all out. Unfortunately for the man in front of me, he was going to take the brunt of it.

  “Why would you bring me this to me? Haven’t I suffered enough?” I yelled, waving the letter around.

  He jumped and ran over to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. “I was just doing what he asked me to. I had no idea what was written in that letter.”

  I jumped out of his grip and paced the room. “And you didn’t think it would upset me? I worked so hard to get to a place where I was able to bury the pain so it wouldn’t crush me anymore.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t—”

  “You didn’t, what? Didn’t mean to remind me of all I’ve lost? All the army took from me?”

  With his hand out he took a step toward me, once again trying to offer comfort, but I wanted none of it. “Stay away from me,” I screamed. “Haven’t you done enough?”

  Eyes wide, he froze in place watching his wary gaze on me.