I nodded but didn’t trust myself to speak yet. There were still things I wanted to say to him from earlier. After they left, I flopped back onto the couch. What a turn of events. It wasn’t a long drive to Danielle’s so I knew Colin would be back soon. Never in a million years had I expected to find Danielle on my doorstep. Hearing the whole story was worse than seeing her pain at the letter this morning. Of course Nate had proposed in a letter. That didn’t come as a surprise. Nate had kept a journal every day we were overseas—not to mention the fact he always did things that were out of the ordinary. Then the next letter she gets from him is after his death…wow, life could be cruel. I got up to grab a beer from the fridge. After the day’s events I needed one.
When I sat back down I thought about how it felt to wrap my arm around her and offer the comfort that she clearly needed. She had more courage than she realized because it couldn’t have been easy for her to come here today. I was being completely honest about hoping to see her again—there was just something about her that made me think we had a lot in common and could end up being great friends.
A few minutes later there was a knock on my door and I opened it to find Colin standing there with a six-pack and a pizza. Without a word, I stepped back and let him into the apartment. He went straight to the kitchen.
“Why did you yell at her?” I asked, doing my best to keep my tone in check.
He popped his head out of the kitchen door. The look of unease that crossed his face said so much. “She didn’t leave me any choice. I just needed her to listen.”
Taking a step toward him, I crossed my arms over my chest and stood with my feet apart. “Really? The poor woman has been through hell and you decide to snap her out of it by treating her like shit? She didn’t deserve it.”
Colin mimicked my stance with his finger pointed at me, anger flashing in his eyes. “You think I wanted to hurt her? Nate was my best friend, she’s like a sister to me. It almost killed me to bring her to tears again. There was nothing else I could do—”
“You could have left it alone. If it made her feel better to blame me, then so be it.”
“What happened before we showed up earlier today was only partially to do with you.” He relaxed his stance slightly, his eyes shadowed. “Danielle buried every bit of hurt and pain she felt at Nate’s loss. She went to great lengths to avoid it. She needed to deal with the heartache before it eventually consumed her. She’d never be able to move on otherwise.”
Even though what he was saying made sense, it didn’t make me feel any better about it. “There’s always another way. You didn’t need to treat her that way,” I snapped.
For a moment he watched me and then he burst out in laughter—a full-blown belly laugh. “What the hell are you laughing at?”
He shook his head, trying to control his laughter. “It’s nothing. Just thinking about you wanting to be pissed at me. You saw Danielle when she got here, but after only a few hours the old Danielle was slowly making her way back.” He gestured to my stance.
Sure enough, there had been something different about her. Not only from that morning, even from the time she’d showed up at my door to the time she left.
“Come on, you know I’m right.”
I didn’t want to admit it, but there was just no way I could deny it. “Yeah, I saw it. I have no idea what’s come over me.”
He walked over and gripped my shoulder. “You’ll figure it out.”
There seemed to be more to what he was saying but after the day I’d had, I was too tired and hungry to figure it out. “Let’s eat,” I said, gesturing toward the kitchen. We spent the next few hours with beer, pizza, watching a game. Once I’d calmed down, Colin and I fell into our normal routine with none of the tension from earlier.
Later that night when I was alone in my bed, I couldn’t help but wonder what Colin had meant. Try as I might, I couldn’t work it out, and I fell asleep still trying to wrap my head around it. My dreams weren’t much better. In each one I had to rescue Danielle from some giant animal or bug. Sometimes they had Colin’s head with an animal’s body, and in others the animal was wearing desert fatigues. Only Freud would have the patience to sort it all out.
I spent the rest of the weekend running errands and just relaxing. It had been over six months since I’d been home and I just wanted to enjoy the peace and quiet before I had to head to work on Monday. Being in Germany for those extra three months put me on training rotation for the next few weeks. With all of the different techniques I’d learned during that time, the commanding officer felt my time home would best be spent training other medics on the new advancements in field medicine. Not the best job, but I got the weekends off.
Monday morning came much faster than I would have liked. I’d almost rather be in the clinic—working with the soldiers and their families that got sick while on base—but the newbies had to learn because, at some point in my career, I’d have to rely on these men. Put simply, the better their training, the more lives that would be saved. After what seemed like a never-ending week, Friday finally arrived. That was the only good part about being on the training rotation—you got weekends off.
Greg was waiting for me by the car. It was stupid for both of us to take cars, especially since we were working the same shift.
“What’s on the agenda for tonight?” he asked.
“Relaxing. I’ve done enough running around. I want beer and food.”
“Sounds good to me.”
We jumped in the car, ready to head back to the apartment, when my cell phone went off. It was Colin. I swiped my thumb across the screen to answer it. “Hey, man, what’s up?”
“What are you and Greg up to tonight?” Colin asked.
“Food and beer, why?”
“Perfect. I need wingmen.”
Shit. When Colin wanted to go out it usually meant a long night of partying but after last weekend, I just wanted to relax.
“Man, I was looking forward to lounging around the apartment.”
“What does he want?” Greg asked.
I covered the mouthpiece with my hand. “He wants wingmen.”
“Come on, all you said was food and beer. You can get both of if you come out with me.”
“I say we go,” Greg chimed in. “It’s not like we have to go in tomorrow.”
He did have a point. Images of Danielle were still keeping me up at night and when I wasn’t working I spent my time worried about her, wondering if she was really okay. A night out might be just what I needed to wear myself out enough so I didn’t dream at all.
“All right, we’ll be there. What time do you want us to meet you?”
“How about nine?”
“Sounds good to me.”
Colin told us which bar to meet him at before hanging up. Nine o’clock gave us a few hours so I decided to hit the gym, and after a few rounds with the heavy bag, I went back to my place to shower. With time still left before we had to meet Colin, Greg and I decided that we were too hungry to wait and headed out to an American restaurant down the street from the bar where they had huge hamburgers and homemade fries. Germany didn’t have hamburgers like America, even on an army base, so it tasted pretty good to sink my teeth into the burger. Once we were stuffed, we walked down to the bar. It was crowded and a little noisy, which would no doubt make for an interesting night. Looking around the room, I saw Colin standing next to a table, waving us over. It looked like he’d already found someone to talk to. As we got closer to the table, Colin took a step to his right and sitting next to him was Danielle. I definitely had not been expecting to see her and shock didn’t even begin to describe my feelings. There were so many things I wanted to ask her, mainly how she was doing. My mind raced with everything I could say but I bit down on my tongue, not wanting to bombard her with questions and sound like a crazy person. The minute we stepped up to the table, and she looked over to where we were standing and her eyes opened wide. She sat silently for a moment, taking in the whole scene
.
“Hi ,Danielle.”
She swallowed hard.” Hi, Tanner.”
Just like all the other times I’d seen her, her hands started to tremble. Greg nudged my shoulder to get my attention and I realized I must have been staring, but how could I not. Her long, curly brown hair was loose, framing her beautiful face, and the red top she was wearing only accentuated her looks. Gesturing toward Greg, I introduced the two.
“Danielle, this is Sgt. Greg Wilson. Greg, please meet Danielle Renton.”
After Greg got back last weekend I’d told him the whole story, from beginning to end. His eyes darted from her to me and back to her again, his brows drawn together and I knew he wanted to know if this was the same Danielle. I gave him a brief nod.
Greg held out his hand to her. “It’s nice to meet you, ma’am.”
She shook her head. “Please, call me Danielle. I’m way too young to be a ma’am.
Greg nodded. “Okay, Danielle.”
Colin walked around and wrapped an arm around each of our shoulders. “I’m so glad that you guys could make it. I’m gonna go grab a pitcher of beer and some cups. I’ll be right back.”
I nodded without taking my eyes from Danielle. While I was a tangled mess of questions, she seemed to be at ease with herself and jumped right into conversation. Her earlier nerves were likely due to the fact that she hadn’t known who Greg was, but she’d visibly relaxed once I’d introduced them.
“So, Greg, what do you do in the army?”
“I’m a medic, same as Tanner. We actually met in training.”
“Are you in the same unit?” she asked, again without skipping a beat. Outwardly, she appeared calm but there was something in her eyes that told a different story. They were darting back and forth between the bar and us.
“Yes, we are. Thankfully, unlike Tanner, I was sent home on time.” Greg was trying to keep it light. I’m not sure it was working.
Before anyone could say another word, Colin was back with the pitcher and glasses. Needing a drink now more than ever, I poured a glass of the cool liquid. Hopefully, it would help calm my nerves. I was so focused on Danielle that I missed the beginning of what Colin was saying.
“…hot. Either way, she wants to buy drinks but she’s got this friend with her.” My attention moved from Danielle to the two of them. If I didn’t know them as well as I did, I would have missed the looked that passed between them. They were up to something, I just wasn’t sure what it was.
“Is the friend cute?” Greg asked.
“Yeah, just not my type. She’s a brunette.”
She was definitely not Colin’s type. He always went for blondes.
“Really, Colin?” Danielle rolled her eyes. “What’s wrong with brunettes?”
“Absolutely nothing.” Colin leaned down and kissed her on the top of her head. “As long as I don’t have to date them,” he laughed.
Danielle laughed, shaking her head at him.
“All right, I’m in.” Greg pulled at the collar of his shirt and ran his hands through his hair.
“Tanner, would you mind keeping Danielle company for bit?” Colin asked, shooting me that same look I’d seen the other day when he’d walked back in from the kitchen.
“Um…sure.”
The two of them were gone in seconds—a hot girl plus a free beer, what was there to refuse? Completely unsure as to what to say, I started with the most obvious questions.
“So, how are you doing?”
She sighed. “As good as I can be, I guess. There’s this part of me that wants to hate everything, to just be mad at the world, to be pissed at the army and everyone who was there that night. Then there’s a small part of me that knows all of that is unreasonable. That it is my job to move on with my life.”
I sat quietly, letting her talk. If she was ever going to heal, these were the things she needed to get out. Because of my job, I’d spent enough time learning how to deal with my feelings. Not that it was helping in this situation. There were some things she needed to know about that night. The question was would it help her, or hurt her more?
“Have you been talking to anyone?”
“Not yet, but I’m going to take Chaplain Hayes up on his offer to sit and talk with me. Until then, I’m trying to channel my anger into something more useful. Specifically, my cases.”
“Cases?”
“Yeah, I’m family law attorney.”
“Wow, that’s impressive,” I said, taking a sip of my beer, hoping to change the subject, knowing that I couldn’t avoid the topic of that night forever. “How long have you been a lawyer?”
“I passed the bar back in May and I started this job a few weeks later.”
“That can’t be an easy job.”
“I highly doubt your job is easy either.” Little did she know how true that statement was.
“Well, right now it is. I’m on the training rotation, so it’s my job to teach all of the fresh recruits about in-field practices, which is so different to what they teach at the academy.”
There was a short lull while she stopped to take a sip of her drink, and I found myself staring at her lips wrapped around the straw. Luckily, I managed to tear my eyes away just as she began talking again. “Yeah, I can see how that would be the case. It’s the same for law school. What you learn in the classroom is only a small fraction of what you need to know to survive in a courtroom. How long do you stay on that rotation?”
“Well, normally it’s only a few weeks, but since I spent all of that time in Germany, they want me to show the recruits what I learned from the doctors and nurses there.”
It was so easy to talk to her and we fell into an easy conversation. Apart from the brief moment where I left her to get us another drink, there were no uncomfortable silences, which only confirmed what I’d known from the beginning—under better circumstances, we’d be friends. There was just no way around it. I could actually feel it starting to happen already. It may have happening sooner since we were now bonded for life by a single letter. The only problem was the fact that she didn’t know about my own guilt from the night Nate died.
“What about you? Have you tried any cases in court yet?”
The smile she gave me told me that I’d asked the right question. She liked talking about her work. “My first court case just finished last Friday.” My heart sunk as I considered the possibility that I’d had a hand in ruining the excitement she’d had at being in court for the first time, but I buried it as quickly as it came. Danielle deserved not to have to deal with that stuff anymore. She had enough on her plate.
“I was able to get full custody for my client. But in fairness, the father didn’t have a whole lot going for him.” She smiled and then fell silent, her fingers picking at the label on one of my empty bottles of beer.
“Thank you for listening to me yesterday, and thank you for bringing the letter from Nate.” Her eyes stayed focused on mine, and there was a warmth in them that I hadn’t seen before and that made me realize it was time Danielle heard the truth about what happened the night Nate died.
“Danielle, can we go somewhere else and talk? I think there are some things you need to know.”
“Sure,” she said, starting to fidget with the strap of her wallet.
Looking around, I tried to find Colin and Greg to let them know we were leaving but when I couldn’t see them immediately, I pulled out my phone and sent a quick text to both of them, letting them know that I’d make sure Danielle got home safely.
“I’m not sure where they are but I sent them a text. Where did you want to go?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “There’s a small diner a few minutes from here. They’re open twenty-four hours and by the look on your face, I have a feeling I’m going to need comfort food.”
“Do you mind if I drive?”
“That’s fine. Colin picked me up earlier so I don’t have my car.”
Comfort food was not likely going to help in this situation. I’d be l
ucky if she didn’t try to hit me by the end of the night. This was something that she needed to know.
Even if it meant she ended up hating me.
Sometimes facing your demons with others can help you both heal.
“We need to talk.”
The words rattled around in my brain as we drove to the diner. There was something Tanner wanted to tell me, and I could tell by the expression on his face it wasn’t something I was going to like. My hands started to sweat and I tried to discreetly rub my palms on my jeans. My eyes to kept drifting to Tanner. The taut lines around the edge of his jaw made the butterflies in my stomach do flips and even not knowing him that well, I could still feel the tension radiating from every part of his body. It was almost tangible and that made me nervous.
Within minutes we pulled into the parking lot and made our way into the diner. There weren’t many people inside so we were quickly seated at a booth in the back, which was nice since it would give us privacy. Tanner sat with his back straight as a rod, looking everywhere but at me. The waitress came over with glasses of water and offered to take our orders. I started with a simple cup of coffee, not sure I could stomach anything to eat at the moment, and Tanner ordered the same. The silence continued while we waited for the waitress to bring back our drinks and when I reached out to pick up my cup to take a sip the shaking in my hands was evident. Tanner noticed it because his gaze settled there.
“I’m sorry, I’m making you nervous. I just don’t know where to begin,” he said his gaze moving to mine for the first time since we’d sat down.
“Why don’t you start at the beginning?” I suggested.
He swallowed hard and nodded. “It all started in the morning, when they put together a team for a patrol in one of the more difficult areas. There was always at least one medic on each patrol.”
I knew this whole conversation had to do with what happened to Nate, and even though I didn’t want to hear it, I sensed that this was something Tanner needed to say. For the burden Nate had put on him with that letter, I felt like I needed to listen to him. His eyes became unfocused almost as if he were there, reliving it.
Letters Home Page 12