“My patrol had come back late the night before so we were automatically disqualified, and Greg’s team was already out. But the medic they’d assigned was on his first tour, so I volunteered to go with them. It’s hard being a new medic in the field, especially when so much of what you learn isn’t in the classroom. They denied my request, saying that the patrol would be fine and that my reaction times would be compromised because of my lack of rest.”
The conversation had my stomach in knots.
“About an hour after they left we got a radio signal. They were under fire.” His eyes began to fill with tears and I could feel his pain as if it were my own as I swallowed against the lump in the back of my throat, bracing for what he was going to say next.
“They sent in reinforcements but it was too late, Nate had already been hit. The medic tried to save his life. There was nothing they could do.” The tears spilled over his lashes. “Maybe…maybe if I’d been there…maybe I could have saved him.”
Tanner’s shoulders slumped and I found myself getting up to take the seat next to him, the sight of him almost my undoing. This man, whom I had just met, was crying over the loss of my husband. Colin and I had talked after his return, and so I knew that Nate was killed instantly. It wouldn’t matter what medic had been present, Nate would still have died.
“Tanner,” I said quietly. When he looked up I could see my own grief reflected in his eyes and I realized that even though I harbored my own sorrow, this wasn’t about my feelings. “Nate was killed instantly. There was nothing that you could’ve done.”
His gaze dropped to the table. “Maybe—”
“Tanner, look at me.” When his eyes reached mine, I took his hand and squeezed. “You need to listen to me. I wish more than anything that Nate was still here, but there was nothing any of us could have done differently. Nate was killed by an insurgent’s gun and no amount of medical power—not even yours—would have saved him. Nate’s death will be with me for the rest of my life, but that doesn’t mean you have anything to feel guilty about. Nate wouldn’t want you to,” I said simply, letting the tears slide down my cheeks.
Tanner took a few deep breaths, trying to compose himself. It took an effort, but after a few moments he nodded. “That’s going to be hard for me to remember and accept, but I’ll do my best to try.”
“I understand. It’s hard for me to keep going, knowing he’s gone, and though there are days that I want to go back to hiding away, I know that’s not what Nate would want, so I try.”
There was silence again while Tanner looked like he was in deep thought. “Let’s make a pact.”
My brows drew together. “What kind of pact?”
“A pact for Nate. I’ll do my best to remind you there are things worth living for, and when I feel guilty you’ll remind me that there was nothing I could have done to save him.”
I thought about it for a minute. This was a chance to face my demons with the help of someone else. It’s not that I was alone because Marissa, Liam and Colin continually tried to make me see the light, but there was just something different about working through your problems with someone else. You could work through your own problems by helping someone else with theirs.
“Okay,” I said. “I think we can help each other.”
He reached his other hand out for me to shake on it. The moment I slipped my hand in his I could feel the warmth radiating from it. The smile was slow in coming, taking away the stress lines that had framed his face from the moment we left the bar. My own smile, one of the few genuine ones in a long time, answered his. We sat like that until it felt awkward to continue holding his hand so I let go, feeling the flush rise up my cheeks. Quickly, I moved back to my seat. Thankfully, whether intentional or not, Tanner took pity on me and decided to change the conversation.
“Should we call the waitress back and order something?”
“They do have some of the best pies and cakes around,” I said with a wink.
The dessert menus sat on table, behind the salt and pepper shakers, and I pulled them out, handing one to Tanner before glancing down the list myself. It didn’t take me long to decide on the Black Tower. It was a chocolate fudge cake with alternating layers of chocolate mousse and chocolate icing. The waitress, spotting our movements with her eagle eyes, made her way over to take our orders. She turned to me first.
“I’ll have the Black Tower,” I said.
Tanner scoffed. “You’re going to end up in sugar shock after eating that.
The waitress laughed and turned to Tanner. “And for you?”
“I’ll have the coconut cream pie.”
“You got it,” she said, and walked away.
“You talk about my taste in desserts. Coconut is disgusting,” I said with a fake little shiver.
“Yeah, well at least I won’t end up with diabetes after one bite.”
We sat there staring at each other, then at the same time we both burst out laughing. It felt good. It was the type of laughter that came from deep within your gut. The kind you had a hard time controlling. It had been a long time since I’d felt that.
By the time the waitress had brought over the plates, we’d gotten ourselves under control. That was, until Tanner saw the size of my piece of cake and he started laughing all over again. When he was finally able to stop we started eating the delicious sweetness in front of us, and while we ate, we talked. He was so easy to talk to. We talked about our high school years, and growing up in the north versus the south. Turns out Tanner grew up in Pennsylvania.
Mainly we talked about Nate: how we met, what he was like growing up. It was a good feeling to be able to chat about him without all of the pain that normally went along with it. Maybe it was because Tanner didn’t know us as a couple so all of the stories were new to him, or it could have been the lack of pity in his eyes. What I really thought was the fact that talking to Tanner was just different. He didn’t appear to analyze my mood based on what I said. He just listened. And that made all the difference in the world.
By the end of the night, I’d convince him to try a piece of my cake and had to laugh when he wanted another bite. He wanted me to taste his but there wasn’t enough money in the world to get me to eat coconut.
The time past quickly and soon it was time to head home. After we reached my house we traded numbers, promising to check on each other every so often to make sure we were both living up to our promises.
“Good-night, Tanner.” I stepped out of the car.
“Remember, anytime, anyplace. If we need each other we call.”
“I know. I promise.”
“All right then. Good-night, Danielle.”
Lying in bed that night, I realized the tightness in my chest that had been there since the funeral had lessened a little. In fact, every day since reading Nate’s letter, I’d felt a little better. It was as if that was the one thing I’d needed to start to move on. Though there was more to it. I’d finally found someone I could talk to who listened to what I was saying. Tanner didn’t try to find a way to cheer me up, he let me be sad and offered comfort. He seemed to understand that sometimes people just needed to let it out.
Over the next week Tanner and I talked on the phone a few times and he sounded like he was doing well. Mostly I think he was checking in on me, which was nice. Our conversations were always brief, though. I was so crazy at work that I was getting home well after nine o’clock each night, and that didn’t leave a lot of time for long conversations, especially when Tanner had to get up at the crack of dawn for PT. By Saturday afternoon, however, I was starting to get antsy. All of my work was done and I found myself sitting around the house looking for something to do. The weather was still a little cool so that prevented any outdoor activities.
Having exhausted all of the menial tasks around the apartment, I decided to call Tanner. He answered on the first ring. “Danielle? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, sorry to bug you. I was just bored, sitting at home alone.”
“You’re not bothering me. Why are you alone?”
“Well, Liam’s working and Marissa’s away for the weekend. So it’s just me, and I finished everything I need to do for work about two hours ago.”
“That sounds like a whole lot of fun.” I could hear the smirk in his voice. I’d learned over the last week that Tanner was very fond of sarcasm.
“Ha ha ha, you know it’s not. That’s why I’m calling—I was wondering what you were doing?”
“I was about to head to the gym. Why, what did you have in mind?”
“I was thinking maybe a movie?”
“What kind of movie?” he asked suspiciously.
“Relax,” I laughed. “I don’t like romantic comedies, so you’re safe. I’ll even let you pick what we see.”
“Hmm…let me think about it.”
In my mind I could see him rubbing his chin like he was deep in thought. He just seemed to be that kind of guy. It was amazing how quickly I’d gotten to know him and just how effortless everything was between us. “Deal! Can you give me about an hour and half to finish my workout and shower?”
“Sure. Do you want me to meet you there?”
“No, I’ll come pick you up.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, just be ready. I’ll be there in an hour and a half.”
“See ya then.”
When I hung up the phone, I looked around the house for something to do. Everything was clean and in its place and there was nothing for me to do but sit and wait. The quiet of the house was more than I could handle. It always left me with way too much time to think, about the future, about the past. Without anything else to do, I decided to do the one thing that I’d been avoiding—going to see Chaplain Hayes. The card he’d given me with his number was sitting on my dresser, just waiting for me to pick it up. With shaking hands I made the call, part of me hoping that he would be busy.
He wasn’t.
With a sigh, I picked up my keys and headed for the door. While this was not a conversation I was looking forward to, it was one I think I needed. Chaplain Hayes had offered to meet me off base and I took him up on it. I might have been ready to sit down and talk, but going to the base alone was a whole different situation so we agreed to meet at one of the small cafes near the base. Pulling into the parking lot, I saw him walk into the building. The scent of vanilla surrounded me as I took a deep, fortifying breath and stepped out of the car.
The scent of different coffees hit me as soon as I opened the door. Chaplain Hayes was seated at one of the tables to the left.
“I figured I’d wait for you to order. What would you like,” he asked with a smile.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“It’s my pleasure.”
“I’ll have a hazelnut latte, thank you.”
“You got it.”
The Chaplain went to order the coffees while I bit my fingernails, waiting for him to come back but unsure of what I’d say when he did. It only took a few minutes for both drinks to be done and the chaplain was back at the table watching me. Trying to buy some more time, I took a long sip of my drink.
“I’m glad that you finally called me. I was starting to think you never would.”
I sighed. “I know. And if it weren’t for what happened two weeks ago, I might still be in my office, trying to escape from the pain.”
“What changed?”
“I got Nate’s letter.”
“Ah yes, Sgt. Marano came to visit me after he delivered it to you. He was worried he’d made things worse. I told him you were a strong woman and that you’d be able to deal with this.”
“Did you know about the letter?”
“Most of your husband’s unit had letters for their families if something should happen to them. I’m actually the keeper of those letters, so it was quite a shock to me when I found out that your husband had one and what he chose to do with it.”
“It was a shock for me too. I hadn’t cried since the funeral. I bottled everything up instead of dealing with it.”
“Tell me what happened that day. I heard from Tanner, now I want to hear it from you.”
Not without tears I relayed the entire story back to him—from the time Tanner showed up, all the way through our conversation the other night at the diner. It was very liberating to say out loud and when I was finished, Chaplain Hayes watched me for a few moments before speaking.
“Out of the five stages of grief, anger was the only one I hadn’t seen you display. I think that the argument with Tanner, and subsequent fight with Colin, was exactly what you needed to trigger those emotions. Now we just need to keep you taking steps in the right direction. I think having enough strength to listen to Tanner’s confession was also a very good thing for you. You can offer each other comfort, but there is something else I wonder about.”
“What is that?”
“Was living with Nate the first time you attempted to live on your own?”
“No. I’d moved out of my parents place right after I finished college, when I went to law school.”
“Can you afford a place of your own?”
“Well, yes.”
“Then why are you still living with your brother?”
The question had me stumped. I hadn’t put a lot of thought into moving in with Liam. When he took me home after the funeral I realized that I couldn’t live in the apartment anymore, even if it meant losing my deposit. I stayed with him that first night and never left. I’d never even thought about leaving. At least, not until now.
I shrugged my shoulders. “To be honest, I never really thought about moving out.”
“That’s what I thought. Danielle, you have lost a lot for someone so young. But that’s the thing: you are young. Life isn’t over for you. And while we all want to remember Nate, you need to keep on living. Now, I’m not telling you that by tomorrow you need to be out of your brother’s house, I just think that, realistically, this needs to be the next step for you—if you’re ever going to heal.”
He was right. Liam’s place was a comfort zone for me, just like the office was before. It was a place I could avoid the memories. “I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet.” And I wasn’t.
“Oh, I think you’re more ready than you know. One of these days you’re going to wake up and you’ll just know that it’s time. That’s when you do it.”
“I will.”
We talked for a little while longer, not about anything profound but it was comfortable small talk. The church bells in the distance made me realize that it was almost time for Tanner to pick me up.
“I’m sorry but I have to go. I’m meeting someone.”
“That’s fine,” he said with a smile. “It’s good to see you getting out. Another step in the right direction.”
“Thank you for the coffee, and for listening.”
“You’re welcome. Just remember, I’m here anytime you need me.”
He stood up the same time I did and wrapped me in a hug. “Thank you.”
He released me from the embrace and made sure I had his number programed in my phone before I left the cafe. There was very little traffic and I made good time on my way home.
Thoughts of what Chaplain Hayes said about getting my own place swirled in my head while I waited for Tanner to show up. It wasn’t unreasonable. I just wasn’t ready yet. I knew someday I would be.
Just not right now.
Sometimes the things people say and do in life may surprise you, even when it is you.
It was a Saturday afternoon and with no other plans the workout I’d decided on for the gym should have pushed me to my limit. It should have wiped me out. That wasn’t what happened. One phone call and my focus was gone. Under normal circumstances I would have pushed myself for a good two hours, knowing that I could crash the minute I got home. But as soon as I heard her voice on the line I wanted to fly through it, just to get to see her sooner. My feelings were completely irrational. We’d only just met.
Even so, I shortened my workout to hour and ran home to shower and change.
Something changed between us that night at the diner, or at least something changed for me. The one person who had every right to hate me for not pushing harder to get an extra medic on that patrol, was the one telling me it wasn’t my fault. And she made me believe it. Nate’s loss would have been hard to handle no matter the circumstances, but add to that my guilt and the fact that I’d promised to deliver his letter, and it made the whole situation downright harrowing. Doing something simple like going to a movie was going to be good for us.
After getting dressed in a simple green Henley and a pair of jeans, I jumped on the computer to check what was playing. Danielle hadn’t said what type of movies that she liked. I was just relieved to hear she wasn’t going to try and convince me to see a romantic comedy. There were comedies, action, and horror movies all playing. Figuring that comedy was the safest route, I picked one with a start time close to when I was picking her up.
I made sure to clean all the army stuff out of the truck. The other night I wasn’t expecting her to ride with me, however, tonight I was going to make her as comfortable as possible. As I was leaving I saw Colin coming home from the range. He’d been on a three night training stint.
“Hey, man, how was the range?”
“Long. All I want it my bed and some sleep.” He looked me up and down. “You clean up nice, where are you off to?”
“Danielle called. She was going stir-crazy home alone and asked if I’d go see a movie with her.”
He yawned and rubbed at his eyes. “Where’s Marissa? You know what, I’m too tired to care. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
I nodded and watched him walk away. It was easy to forget how exhausting field training was. That was the one benefit of being assigned to the medic training unit—I got nights off, for now at least. When we got closer to deployment, medics were sent out into the field with everyone else to brush up on their combat skills. The easiest way to save lives was to defend them, instead of having to fix them. Excited to get to Danielle’s, I jumped in the truck and headed over. One quick rap on the door and she was there.
Letters Home Page 13