“Hey, you answered fast.”
She smiled. “I saw you pull up. I haven’t been back long so I hadn’t had a chance to sit down yet.” The jeans and boots she was wearing made her legs look longer, and added to that the light pink top and she looked beautiful. Not that she wasn’t pretty all of the time, but she definitely knew how to pick clothes that accentuated her looks.
“Got back from where?” I asked and then realized I was being nosy. “Sorry, that’s none of my business.”
“Let me grab my phone and I’ll explain in the car.”
We made our way out to the truck and I opened the door to let her in. Walking around the front, I hopped in on the driver’s side and started the car. “I hope you’re okay seeing a comedy.”
“That sounds perfect. Anyway, I just got back from talking to Chaplain Hayes.”
My eyes snapped to hers. Luckily I hadn’t put the car in gear yet. “You did? How did it go?”
“Good. He told me that you stopped by to see him after the mess with the letter.”
Sighing, I looked out the front windshield and backed out of the driveway. There was a part of me that still felt bad about what happened that day. “Yeah, I did.”
The touch of her hand on mine sent a tingle through my body. “Tanner, what did we talk about the other night? You have nothing to feel guilty about. Even Chaplain Hayes thinks it was exactly what I needed to keep moving on.”
My gut twisted with the idea that anyone thought she needed to be hurt to move on. “He thinks you needed to scream and cry to move on?” I asked sarcastically.
“Tanner.” There was a sharpness to her tone I hadn’t heard before. “You know full well that no one wants to see someone hurting. He just thinks I needed to let my anger out. He also thinks I need to move out of my brother’s house.”
That statement brought my focus away from the memories. “And what do you think?”
She shrugged and fidgeted a bit in her seat. “I’m not sure how I feel about it. Right now, I feel comfortable and safe living there…but he may have a point. Maybe I have to move out of my comfort zone.”
“If you like living there and your brother doesn’t mind, then stay. No one says you have to leave.”
“I know. He seems to think that one morning I’ll wake up and it will be the right decision for me. I guess we’ll see.”
“Well, I say don’t do it until you want to.”
She smiled. “Don’t worry, I won’t.”
We pulled into the parking lot of the theater and thankfully she agreed with my movie choice. The problem came when it was time to pay for the tickets. I knew it wasn’t a date, but I still felt like I should pay for the tickets and snacks—possibly due to all the “treat women right” lectures I received growing up. After a brief little argument we agreed that I would pay for the tickets, and she would get the snacks. With popcorn and sodas in hand, we found seats all the way in the back of the theater, my favorite place to sit.
Danielle got settled in her seat. “This is the best place to sit.”
Shaking my head, I gave a quick laugh. “I’m glad you agree.”
The movie was funnier than I thought it would be and from her laughter, it sounded like Danielle enjoyed it too. It was still early when we left the theater and I was starving.
“I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry. Do you want to go grab something to eat?” I asked opening the car door for her.
“Sure. Where do you want to go?”
“Do you like sushi?”
She turned to face me. “I love sushi! It’s one of my favorites.”
“Is Wasabi okay?”
“Definitely,” she said with a smile that lit up her whole face. I started the car and pulled out of the lot.
The restaurant was crowded—it was a Friday night so that was to be expected—but thankfully we only had to wait about fifteen minutes for the table. Except those fifteen minutes seem to take forever as I noticed the way she flung her hair behind her shoulders, exposing the smooth skin of her neckline, or the way she played with her necklace, drawing my attention to smooth expanse of exposed skin, visible between the deep V of her shirt.
Get it together, Tanner.
Shaking my head, I tried to clear my thoughts. She was Nate’s widow. She didn’t need some guy she’d just met hitting on her. Despite the obvious attraction, Danielle was my friend, and I needed to remember that.
Dinner went smoothly. Apparently, she hadn’t been kidding when she said that sushi was her favorite. It took almost twenty minutes for her to decide what she wanted to order, and even after all that time she made me pick between her two final choices. Her indecisiveness was slightly endearing.
“No wonder you had me pick the movie. We’d still be looking at the schedule if it was up to you.”
“Watch it, or next time I’ll pick a romantic comedy and I’ll make you sit through the whole thing.” The jibe was intended to dissuade me, but the idea of spending more time with her was definitely a good thing—even if it meant sitting through that kind of movie. It would be worth it.
“You said you didn’t like those movies.”
“It would be worth it to watch you suffer. Now, stop picking on me!”
“Picking on you?” a stiff voice said from behind me. Looking up, I saw Danielle’s brother, Liam. It was the first time I’d seen him since I’d brought the letter to Danielle, and judging by the look on his face, he still wasn’t over that episode.
“Hey, Liam, I thought you were working today?”
He rolled his eyes at her. “Um…have you looked outside lately? It’s night. I got done a few hours ago. Amanda and I had a date tonight,” Liam said pointing over to another table where a cute blonde waved.
“I thought you weren’t sure about her?”
He shrugged. “People change their minds,” he said, looking pointedly at me.
“Oh, Tanner, I’m so sorry. You remember my brother, Liam, right?”
“Of course. How you doing, man?” I extended my hand to him.
He looked at it for a second before he reached out his own to take it. “Nice to see you again. What have you two been up to?”
“Well—” I started the same time as Danielle answered.
“We went to see a movie. I was tired of sitting home alone.”
Liam’s mouth dropped open in shock. “You were tired of sitting home alone?” He seemed to be at a loss for words, his mouth opening and closing with nothing more coming out.
Danielle looked over at me and offered me a small smile. “See I told you Tanner bringing that letter was a good thing. Even Chaplain Hayes thought so.”
Not only was his mouth hanging open but his eyes were practically bulging out of his head. “You mean you actually went to see him?”
“Well, I didn’t go on base. He met me at the cafe right around the corner.”
Liam took a step over and pulled Danielle out of her chair, wrapping his arms around her. “I’m so proud of you.”
Once he let her go she took her seat again and nodded in the direction of the blonde. “You better get back to your date. We can talk more tomorrow.”
“Okay,” he agreed. Taking a step toward his table he stopped next to me and reached down to clasp my shoulder. “Thank you.”
I nodded slightly and watched in fascination as he walked back to his own table. One minute it’d seemed as if he wanted to kill me, and the next he looked like he was ready to buy me dinner. Turning my attention back to Danielle, I noticed that she was smirking.
“See, now he’s figured it out too.”
“Figured out what exactly?”
“That you’re actually a pretty nice guy, and there’s no reason we shouldn’t be friends.”
“I can’t say I blame him, though. I don’t know how kindly I’d look at me if I were him.”
“Well, he’s obviously changed his mind.”
And on that note, she’d been right. About a week later I got a call from Dani
elle. Liam’s Wednesday night basketball team was short of a player and he’d asked if I wanted to play. At first, I hadn’t thought it was such a good idea but Danielle had her ways of persuading people—it was part of her job, after all—and she convinced me to go. Imagine my surprise when I got there and he introduced me to the rest of the team as a friend. When I’d talked to Colin about it he hadn’t seemed shocked, instead agreeing with what everyone else had said about me, bringing Danielle the letter being the best thing that could have happened to her. He’d even gone so far as to say that since it was delivered so long after Nate’s death, it’d had even more of an impact, and she couldn’t use the letter as an excuse to hide from the realities of life because she’d already done that.
Either way, the acceptance from her brother was what had me sitting at his house with a bunch of their other friends, watching the Final Four Championship Game. Some of them were guys from the basketball team, whom I continued to play with every once in a while, and others were co-workers of both Danielle and Liam. Colin and Greg rode over with me, and I was glad for their company. I was hoping they’d be a distraction. Before we left I gave myself a mental lecture about my friendship with Danielle, and why it needed to stay exactly as it was.
In the two months since our movie night we’d spent a lot of time together. Sometimes it was through group outings, usually arranged by Colin, and other times it was just the two of us. Many of those times were nights when she would call because she was bored or lonely, and what I did notice was that we talked less and less about Nate, both of us slowly healing. With her encouragement and reminders I was able to see that I had no control over the events that night. She smiled and laughed more often than before, although I think some of it was for show, like she wanted people to think she was getting better.
I knew differently. There were times when the calls came, I could hear the desolation and despair in every word she spoke, but those times were getting fewer and far between. There was a part of her that probably would never recover from this. How strong that part would be was anyone’s guess. We’d just have to wait and see. And it was a journey I was willing to take with her.
It happened slowly, but my feelings for her were changing. I mean, I’d noticed her from day one but there was just so much more to it now. It was less about the physical attraction, and more about little things. Like when she was nervous, she’d fidget and bite her nails, or when she didn’t like something she’d scrunch up her nose in this adorable way. One night while having dinner, I realized that her eyes weren’t just simply brown, but spattered with golden flecks. And it was all of these things in one package that I found absolutely irresistible.
Hence my problem.
Would she ever be ready to hear about my feelings? Even eight months after Nate’s death I didn’t think so, so I kept them hidden from her as best I could. Having her friendship was better than losing her altogether.
So as she wandered around the house, playing the good hostess, making sure food and drinks were refilled, I did my best to focus on the game. It was hard not to notice the way her hips swayed as she moved from one room to another, or the way her laugh almost sounded like music. We were friends…at least, that was what I kept chanting in my head over and over again. Every time my mind wandered and imagined us as more I’d discreetly pinch the inside of my arm, reminding myself to remain focused. It was getting to be so bad that I was starting to understand how Pavlov’s dogs felt. That, and the inside of my arm was turning a very conspicuous shade of purple.
“Hi,” Danielle said, her voice much closer than I expected. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts, that for what seemed like the first time that day, I lost track of where she was.
“Hi, yourself.”
“Marissa’s on her way.”
I remembered the first time I’d met Marissa. Without a word, she’d come up to me and wrapped me in a hug, saying she was glad that Danielle had found a new friend in me. She was sweet, but you could tell that she didn’t pull any punches.
“Did she get stuck at work?”
“Yeah.”
She crossed one leg over the other, flashing an expanse of toned, sun kissed skin.
Pinch.
A few moments later she uncrossed her legs and sat down with one underneath her, which caught my attention for a whole different reason. Then she started to unconsciously play with her hair, pretending to watch TV.
After three months I’d learned exactly what that meant. “Okay, out with it.”
“Out with what?” she asked, her eyes wide.
“Don’t be coy. You can’t sit still, which means you’re up to something. So I’ll say it again. Spill it.”
“I’m gonna look for my own apartment.”
“Really?” This was interesting news. That was one thing we’d talked about at length over the last few months, and each time she’d felt she wasn’t ready. What surprised me even more was the fact that we’d had this conversation just two nights previously, and after debating with herself for about a half an hour, she’d decided to stay at her brother’s a little while longer. “What changed your mind?”
She shrugged. “I guess it felt weird tonight, playing hostess to Liam’s friends. It feels like I should be doing this at my own place.”
“Well, I guess that makes sense. But are you really sure you’re ready for this?” I said, watching her reaction. It was important to know if she was doing this for her, or to make someone else happy.
“I think I need to be. It’s time for me to start standing on my own two feet again.” The straight set of her shoulders told me that she’d made her decision.
“Do you know where you want to look?”
She laughed. “You know, I have no idea where to even start. I’m not worried about it though. I just decided this today, so I figure I can take my time looking. Find something that I really love.”
“That’s the most important thing.” I paused, torn between accepting her decision and wanting to make absolutely sure she was doing this for her. I had to check one more time. “Are you sure you’re ready to do this? I’m not saying don’t move out, I’m just making sure it’s right for you.”
“I thought about this a lot—you, above all, know that. Before now, every time I’ve even thought about moving out, there was this voice in the back of my head screaming at me not to do it. Tonight that voice was quiet.”
I reached over to squeeze her hand, even though my body tensed against the feelings the simple touch brought with it. “If you need any help, you know where to find me.”
“I know.” She smiled. We sat there watching the game together, at least, until Marissa showed up.
“Hey, Tanner. What’s new?” She asked brightly.
“Same shit, different day.” I laughed.
“Okay, babe, it’s been a long day. I need a margarita, and you’re having one with me,” she said to Danielle.
“Twist my arm why don’t you.” Danielle smiled as she walked away but it didn’t reach her eyes. Whether she was putting on the show for Marissa or me, I wasn’t sure, but either way, I could guess she was worried about the idea of moving out but didn’t want anyone to know.
Not long after Danielle had gotten up, Greg came over and sat in her set.
“Hey, man, what’s up? Pretty good game, huh?” I said, trying to hide my preoccupation with Danielle.
“It is. Then again, I don’t think you even know who’s winning.”
“Of course I—”
“Does she know?” he asked staring at me intently.
I had a pretty good guess what he was talking about, but I wasn’t giving in that easily. “Does who know what?”
He rolled his eyes at me. “Does Danielle know how you feel about her?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I kept my eyes on the game, hoping he’d take that answer and leave it alone, but I should have known I wasn’t that lucky. Not even the sound of everyone else cheering distracted him as he
continued to sit and stare at me, waiting. Running my fingers through my hair and down my face, I tried to find the right answer.
“Uh…she uh…” I shook my head, deciding to give up and tell the truth. “No she doesn’t know, and I want to keep it that way. The better question is, how did you know?”
“I have eyes, for crying out loud. I can see the way you look at her. Not to mention that every time you spoke to each other just now, your heads moved closer and closer.”
I groaned. Damn I hadn’t even noticed us doing that. “Do you think she noticed?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe, maybe not. But if she has, she’s doing a damn good job of hiding it.”
“Shit. This is a mess. How could I fall for Nate’s widow?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” he said with a hint of sarcasm. “You only spend every waking moment when you’re not at work with her. Besides, why does it have to be a bad thing? She’s beautiful, smart, and funny. She also deserves happiness. Why can’t she find it with you?”
“Because it doesn’t feel right. Her husband was a member of our unit. A brother. It just feels wrong to go after his widow. So just drop it.”
“Whatever you say, man. But I think you’re being an idiot.” He shook his head, got up, and walked over to sit on the other side of the room.
About twenty minutes later, Danielle and Marissa reappeared with their drinks and Danielle took the seat next to me again, except this time I paid special attention to every move she made, just to make sure she was okay. It didn’t matter what Greg thought. Letting Danielle know about my feelings for her was wrong, and it was my job to keep them locked away.
But that was easier said than done.
A few weeks later I found myself spending one of my days off looking at apartments. When I’d said that Danielle was determined, I’d had no idea just how determined. She jumped right into apartment hunting with both feet, researching the best areas, the easiest commute to work, and just the general layout of her options. She’d viewed a ton of places, but had narrowed it down to three and for some reason, she asked me to come along to the appointments, saying she wanted my opinion on them. I tried to tell her that what I thought didn’t matter and she needed to choose which one she liked the best, but that didn’t work so well. She resorted to begging, claiming that she needed to know which one I liked before she chose. Little did she know, it wouldn’t take very much to convince me. It was almost as if she’d recognized that our relationship was changing, but was too scared to face it.
Letters Home Page 14