Letters Home

by Rebecca Brooke

“Um…sure.” She sounded so uncertain, almost as if she didn’t want to talk about it at all. “I’m still at work right now, but I should be home in about an hour.”

  “All right, I’ll meet you at your place.”

  The thought of waiting another hour for this conversation had me pacing the room, something Greg didn’t miss when he got back.

  “Dude, what’s up?” he asked, dropping down on the couch. “You’ve been in a mood for days.”

  With a sigh, I sat down on the chair facing him. “Danielle.”

  “Okay. I thought things were going really well between the two of you?”

  “I thought so too, at least until Saturday night.” I told him all about the ball and what had happened afterward, up until my conversation with the chaplain that afternoon.

  “Oh, man, that sucks.”

  “Yeah, well getting the training rotation doesn’t make me feel any better.”

  “I know I saw that today. We really can’t be surprised. We’ve been home way too long this time. It was inevitable that we’d get deployed sooner or later.”

  “It’s not that. I actually have been expecting it. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to do my job if I’m constantly worrying about what she’s doing here.”

  “Damn, I hadn’t thought of that,” he said, his tone sympathetic. “What are you going to do?”

  I dropped my head into my hands. “I don’t know. I’m going over there to talk to her. I’d rather cut off my right arm than hurt her, I just don’t know if I can avoid hurting her without hurting myself. If she doesn’t feel the same, I just don’t know.” I knew Greg could hear the desolation in my voice because I could hear it clear as day myself.

  I was getting up to leave when Greg walked over and pulled me into a man hug. “If you need me, I’m here.”

  Most guys would scoff at the idea of sitting around, talking about their feelings, but Greg wasn’t just my friend—he was my brother. It felt good to know I had somewhere to go if I needed to talk things through. “Thanks, man.”

  My stomach twisted into knots, the ride seemed to take forever when really I just wanted to get the conversation over with. I wanted to know where my relationship with Danielle stood. It was a relief to see her car already in her spot. I hadn’t even gotten to the door when it flew open and she was standing there, watching me take the last few steps to her door.

  “Hi,” she said, a slight quiver to her voice.

  “Can I come in?”

  “Of course,” she said, opening the door wider and taking a step back. It felt odd to be there, not to mention the tension that surrounded the two of us. “You wanted to talk?”

  I ran my hand over my face. “Yeah, let’s sit down.”

  She took a seat on the couch, leaving room for me next to her, but I needed more space than that to have this conversation so I sat in the chair to the left of the couch. Her eyes were trained on me, watching.

  “Tanner, why have you been avoiding me?” She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, like she was trying to protect herself.

  “Honestly? At first, I didn’t want to say anything to hurt you, but then it got to the point where I really didn’t know what to say.”

  “I’m sorry I pulled away from you the other night, I was just ashamed of how people might see me. That they might judge me for moving on so soon after Nate’s death.”

  I sucked in a breath at her words. That quickly, I had an answer to the question. Ashamed. That one word felt like a knife being twisted in my chest. She was ashamed of being with me. Not saying a word I stood up, my head hung, and started for the door. My throat burned while I tried to hold back the tears swirling in my eyes.

  “Tanner, where are you going?” I heard her jump up and follow behind me.

  Stopping, I spun around to face her. “What is there left to talk about? You’re ashamed to be with me. What I want to know is why you even bothered with me in the first place?”

  She reached out for me but I snatched my hand away. Her arm fell limply at her side, but she continued to stare me dead in the eyes. “I’m not ashamed of you, Tanner, I’m ashamed of me. I feel like I’m betraying Nate’s memory every moment I spend with you, but I stay with you anyway.”

  My hands started to tremble from clenching my muscles so tight. “Don’t feel obliged to stay with me. I’m a big boy. I can handle it.”

  “Tanner, don’t leave,” she begged. “You promised you wouldn’t hurt me.”

  I dropped my head. “I have to. We got moved to field training, which means that in a month and a half, maybe less, we’ll be deployed. I can’t carry the tatters of this relationship into the field.”

  “But I—”

  I couldn’t control the pain that ripped through me as I grabbed her shoulders and gave her a slight shake. “Don’t you think this is killing me? Goddamn it, Danielle, I love you. But it just isn’t about me anymore. I can’t risk others getting hurt because I can’t keep my head in the game. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, and for you to love me as much as I love you, but until you let go of Nate, I will never truly have your heart. You deserve better. Hell, I deserve better. I’m hurting myself too, but it will give me the time to try and find a way to heal before we leave. I’m sorry.”

  And just like that I turned and left. There wasn’t anything more I could say. I clenched my teeth against the pain in my chest. It felt as if I was being split in two. I made the drive home in an absolute fog, resigned to the fact I’d lost the only woman I’d ever loved, and there was nothing I could do to fix it.

  Greg must have called Colin when I’d left because they were both sitting in the living room when I got back.

  “How did it go?” Greg asked.

  A rage swept through me, coursing through my veins. “Fuck!” I screamed, throwing a punch at the wall next to me. The sheetrock crumbled under the force and a pair of strong arms wrapped around me. My hand throbbed, the knuckles split and bleeding from their contact with the wall, but it was nothing compared to the pain in my heart.

  Then there are those times where you have to fight for what you want.

  The door closed and I couldn’t move, frozen to my spot. What just happened? I’d tried to explain, but he hadn’t listened.

  He was leaving.

  Tanner loves me.

  My thoughts were so erratic that I slowly slumped to the floor and tried to give my brain a chance to catch up, but the conversation played on repeat in my head and my eyes burned from unshed tears. It finally got to be too much and I let them go. From somewhere in the distance, I heard my phone ringing. Forcing myself from the floor, I went in search of it. When I finally found it, sitting on my nightstand, I checked the caller ID. It was Marissa. I stared at the screen, really not feeling like talking at the moment. If I didn’t answer, maybe she would think Tanner was here and we were working on things. The thought of that brought a fresh round of tears. Knowing that trying to work tomorrow would be pointless, I called and left a message telling Tina that I wasn’t feeling well so I’d be working from home instead.

  It was still early but I didn’t care, I stripped off my outfit and put my pajamas on. I curled up in the middle of the bed to cry. I’d tried to tell Tanner that I loved him, so why hadn’t he stayed to listen? This was killing me. How was I supposed to choose between my love for Nate, and my love for Tanner?

  It felt like by choosing Tanner, I was betraying Nate. But watching Tanner walk out the door had been like watching my heart leave. Maybe I didn’t deserve Tanner. Every time I recognized the love I felt for him, I pushed it to the side, afraid to let it to the surface. Nate was supposed to be my one and only, but how could that be if I’d fallen for Tanner as well? And now he was getting ready to be deployed on top of everything else. The look on his face when he left felt like a wrecking ball knocked a giant hole through my chest.

  Eventually I cried myself to sleep.

  The shrill beep of a text message echoed around
the room. Without opening my eyes I reached up and patted around on the nightstand for my phone and when my hand closed over it, I pulled it down and cracked one eye open to see who it was from. Marissa had sent twenty-two messages throughout the night. Unable to see the time with only one eye, I forced the other one open and realized that it was already half past noon. Ignoring Marissa’s messages—there seemed no point in replying when I had no doubt that she’d be over here as soon as she finished work, looking for an explanation—I tried Tanner’s cell. It went straight to voicemail, which meant he had it shut off.

  I stayed in bed the whole day, keeping the curtains drawn, only getting up to use the bathroom. The lack of food made me feel slightly dizzy but my stomach protested at the mere thought. I was consumed with thoughts of Tanner. All of my memories in the apartment surrounded him. He was everywhere. At five thirty on the dot there was a knock on the front door. I knew exactly who it was, and if she wanted to come in, she was going to have to get her key out because I wasn’t getting up. I’d ignored her calls all day, but I knew her better than to think she’d take the hint that I wanted to be left alone.

  “Danielle?” she called from the doorway.

  I threw my arm over my eyes, preparing for when she turned the lights on, and kept silent.

  “Danielle, I know you are in this apartment and you are going to talk to me.” A second later the light above my head flipped on, and my arm was ripped away from my eyes. I blinked, trying to focus. Marissa was standing there, arms crossed over her chest, looking like she was ready to pounce. “Why have you ignored me all day? It’s obvious you weren’t busy.”

  “Tanner left me.”

  “He did what?” I winced when she practically shouted the words at me.

  “He left.”

  She came over to sit down on the bed next to me. “What happened?” she asked, and I explained to her what had gone on at the ball. “Okay, well, that was a pretty crappy thing to do, but I kinda see your reasons. But that’s not the whole story, is it?”

  I bit my lip and shook my head, the tears threatening to return again. “He jumped in his truck that night, and headed home. I didn’t talk to him again until yesterday. I tried calling, but he either ignored my calls…” I trailed off. “He called yesterday and asked if we could talk. He wanted an explanation. I tried to tell him that I was ashamed of myself for moving on—”

  “Wait a minute,” she said, rubbing her temples with her fingers. “Are you telling me you told him you were ‘ashamed,’ and you don’t see the problem with that? Even I can see why Tanner left.”

  I didn’t bother to wipe the tears away as they fell, my whole body starting to shake. “How can you say that? You’re supposed to be my friend.”

  “Exactly. I’m your friend. Which is why I’m telling you the truth, whether you want to hear it or not. How long did you expect Tanner to compete with Nate’s memory?”

  I hoped off the bed and stepped up in front of her. “He’s not.”

  She raised her eyebrows and I could see the thin line of her lips. “Oh no? Then how do explain your actions at the ball? I’m starting to wonder if you’ve ever given Tanner the chance to win your heart, or if you’ve kept most of it locked away because of Nate.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “Neither’s what you did to Tanner. In case you haven’t figured it out, he loves you. I can see it in the way he looks at you.”

  “I know he does. He told me so last night.”

  “He did?” Her eyes opened wide and she tilted her head as if she was trying to figure out some great riddle. “I don’t understand why he left then.”

  My shoulders slumped, and I dropped to the bed. “His unit is being moved to deployment training. He has about four to six weeks before they ship out.”

  “Oh, honey,” she said sitting down next to me and wrapping an arm around my shoulders. I leaned into her embrace and let the sobs take me.

  “He…he said…that he couldn’t risk other people’s lives because he’s worried about me.”

  “Danielle…”

  “I love him, but he’s right—I can’t ask that of him. But I don’t know how to give him all of me without feeling like I’m betraying Nate.”

  She squeezed me tighter. “We’ll figure it out.”

  I wasn’t sure how long I cried on Marissa’s shoulder but at some point I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, Liam was sitting next to me on my bed, lightly shaking my shoulder.

  “Danielle, wake up.” There was a hitch in his voice.

  I forced my eyes open to look at my brother, the alarm clock over his shoulder telling me it was after nine. No matter the problem, he’d always been there for me. I sat up and wrapped my arms around his neck, wanting the comfort only a big brother could offer.

  “Shh…it’ll be okay,” he whispered into my hair. I stayed there, while Liam rubbed circles on my back, too numb to do anything else. After a few moments, Liam pushed me away from him a bit so he could look me in the eye. “We need to talk.”

  I nodded, not yet trusting myself to speak.

  He took a deep breath. “Marissa called and told me what happened. When Tanner gave this to me a few weeks after he brought you the letter from Nate, I couldn’t imagine a scenario where I would actually need to give it to you.”

  “What are you talking about?” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Marissa step into the room and lean against the doorframe.

  “Nate had Tanner bring me a letter too.”

  My mouth dropped open in shock. “What? Why?”

  Liam’s eyes slid away from me. This was not going to be good. “It said to give you this one when you needed it most. Marissa’s right, you never gave Tanner your whole heart. I could tell you were holding back from him, but I just figured that you needed some more time and that being with him would help because as much as you held back, I could tell that you loved him, even if you weren’t ready to admit it to yourself.”

  I watched as he pulled the letter out of his back pocket and stared at it. “I never opened it, so I have no idea what it says, but at this point I don’t think reading it can make things any worse.” He looked me in the eye then, the moisture glistening in them. “I’m sorry I didn’t try and help you earlier. I thought things were getting better. I never…” He trailed off and reached up to wipe at his cheeks with the backs of his hands.

  Seeing Liam get upset because of me was almost too much. I wrapped my arms around him once again. There was no brother on earth as wonderful as him. “None of this is your fault. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to move on, and Tanner doesn’t deserve that.”

  He took one of my hands in and placed the letter in it. “I think it’s time.” Placing a kiss on my cheek, he stood up and started toward the door. He stopped in the doorway where Marissa was still standing. “We’ll be in the living room if you need us.”

  My eyes were focused on the letter in my hand, but I heard the door close behind them. The last time I’d opened a letter like this, even though it hurt to read, in the end it helped me to take a few steps forward.

  With shaking hands, I flipped the envelope over and used my index finger to slide across the seal. The first thing I noticed was that this letter was thicker than the first. Slowly, I pulled it from the envelope and let it sit in my hands. Taking a deep breath, I tried to prepare myself for the words contained within as I opened the pages.

  My dearest Danielle,

  I’m so sorry to do this to you, again. I know that first letter probably wasn’t easy to read, but if Liam has given you this letter, that means there are some things you need to know—no matter how much it might hurt at first. While I wish that neither of these letters would see the light of day, I understand their purpose. Liam was told to give you this letter only when and if you needed it. I knew he would know when the time was right.

  Your happiness has been the only thing that has ever mattered to me. Knowing that my letter could be delivere
d to you someday by some random base chaplain who knows nothing about us didn’t sit well with me. You’ll need someone to hold you while you read, and as much as I will always want to be the one to comfort you, I had to find someone who could deliver the letter personally, if need be.

  So, I think it’s time you understood why I asked Tanner to deliver the letters to you. The first letter was written the night before my first deployment. I’m sure you remember me sitting in the other room, doing paperwork. I know you thought I was setting up bills, but I wasn’t. Everyone in my unit has written a letter to their loved ones, in case something should happen to them. It is a way to say goodbye when we can’t be there to do it ourselves. The person in charge of the letters has instructions to mail them if something happens to us.

  After you’d gone to bed I stayed up all night, trying to figure out what to say to you, not really believing you would ever see that letter. When I returned home to the states, I hid that letter away. I didn’t want you to know of its existence and make you worry more than you already did.

  Seeing so much death and injury, I realized that the letter being sent to you was a real possibility. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew there was always a risk but I just held onto the hope that as long as I fought hard enough, I’d always make it back home to you. Even with my awareness, I didn’t want you to know my fears so I pasted a smile on my face and pretended everything was okay every time I was deployed. There were times when I was home with you that the thought of not returning to you almost consumed me. I didn’t want you to ever be left alone.

  Every time deployment came around, I packed that letter and turned it into the person in charge, each time holding out hope that you would never see it.

  A few months prior to this last deployment, a new soldier was transferred to our unit. He’s the new medic and a nice guy, and the more I talked to him, the more I realized that he would be someone that you’d become friends with very easily. You both have a quick sarcastic wit, and he loves sushi almost as much as you do!

  I could have picked Colin to give you the letters, but I was afraid he’d push you too hard to be strong. As for Liam and Marissa, we both know that they would fuss over you, never forcing you to do anything that might cause you pain. I know you. You need someone to hold you when you need it, but give you a push you when you need one of those too. That’s when it hit me. Tanner would be the perfect. I’d hoped to have a chance to introduce you before we left, but time always seemed to slip away from us. It always has and since you’re reading this, I guess we ran out of it.