The Missing Pieces of Me: Discover the novel that will break your heart and mend it again

by Amelia Mandeville

  I smile and nod obligingly. Of course he is. All the guys that like Gee are cute. ‘He is.’

  I start to ask her more about her date but she interrupts me. ‘Right, so you know how you didn’t reply to Joe’s party invite, and rudely ignored me … ’ She pauses to allow me to shuffle awkwardly before continuing: ‘Well I’m giving you another chance. Liam’s having a party tomorrow. You’ve been in Surrey for three weeks now, and that’s your time up for moping around.’

  I sigh. ‘Gee, I’m just—’

  ‘Dustin is going to be there.’

  I stare at her. ‘What? Why would that make a difference?’

  She smirks at me through the screen, and I feel heat rising to my cheeks. ‘Um, let’s think … ’

  ‘Has he said anything?’

  Georgia pouts as she applies lipgloss. ‘Nope, he didn’t need to,’ she says, smacking her lips together, looking proudly at herself in the camera. ‘We were at the pub, which you were invited to, and bailed as you like to do, and he was busy being unsociable on his phone. So I asked who he was talking to, and it was you.’

  I brush a stray hair from my forehead. Why am I sweating this much? ‘Well it’s mainly him doing the talking.’

  ‘You kept that quiet, though, didn’t you? Didn’t tell me you were texting. Why wouldn’t you tell your cousin that, Willow?’ She’s doing her high-pitched, false questioning voice.

  I roll my eyes. ‘Because there is nothing to tell, Gee. He messages me mostly, and I reply, because I don’t want to seem rude, you know?’

  ‘And you love it, because as much as you like to pretend you are a social recluse, you’re not, and it’s OK and normal to talk to people, and normal to enjoy it too. And I won’t be offended that you don’t always reply to messages, even if it is downright rude.’

  ‘Hey, it’s different with you, Gee.’

  ‘No, no, it’s fine, I see how it is.’

  She’s right though, I do enjoy having someone to talk to, it makes you feel like you matter. But then that’s pretty dangerous, isn’t it? Because once you start mattering to someone, they start mattering to you, and that means they can hurt you.

  Luckily I haven’t really had that with friends. I mean, there were people at school that I’d hang out with, eat lunch with mainly. I just sat closer and closer to their group till one time they were used to me sitting with them. I’d message about homework too. But we’d never really do anything together and I’d hardly ever get invited to things, apart from the odd party the whole school was invited to, and even then I wouldn’t always go. I suppose I probably didn’t help myself: I am painfully shy and maybe some people mistook that for standoffishness. Though it’s not like there weren’t other factors at play. People love to gossip. And Brighton can feel like a very small place when you have something to hide.

  Gee sighs heavily, interrupting my train of thought. ‘I still think it’s weird you both met at the pub before you knew the group and didn’t tell me.’

  ‘There wasn’t anything to tell! I didn’t clock that he would be your friend Dustin, and anyway, I didn’t think I’d see ever him again.’

  ‘Well I’m glad you did, it’s good for you to have a friend,’ she says. Then she pauses. It’s never a good sign when Gee pauses, it means she’s going to say something that she doesn’t want to say. And Gee is happy to say all sorts of things usually, so you know you’re in trouble if she’s hesitating. ‘I just want you to be cautious,’ she says finally.

  ‘What? Why?’

  I’m the most cautious person you could ever meet. I need to be a lot of things, but more cautious is not one of them.

  Georgia looks like she’s choosing her words carefully. ‘I don’t know, Willow, just be careful of getting too invested. Dustin is such a lovely guy and, like I said, it’s good for you to have a friend, but don’t put all your eggs in one basket, you know? Try talking to Liam or Joe a bit more at the party. They are much more your type. Quiet and chill, which is good for you. They’re nice guys.’

  ‘Type? What? Georgia, you’ve got it totally wrong—’

  ‘Dustin is like my brother, yeah? He’s a good guy too. But he can be reckless, he’s only interested in himself.’ Weird she would say that, because I’ve never met anyone who has paid me so much attention before. ‘He just dates, all the time. Dating. Dating. Having sex. More dating. Sex again. He’s never been interested in a relationship at all.’

  ‘Hey!’ I shout a bit too loudly. ‘I’m not … no … That’s not where this is going, I don’t even … Gee, you’ve got this very wrong.’

  ‘OK, stop being dramatic, I was just trying to warn you. Anyway, I have to go, I’ll see you tomorrow and help you plan what you’re wearing to the party, OK?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘OK, sweet, two p.m., sounds good, sweet, see you tomorrow.’

  She hangs up.

  I stare at the now blank computer screen, puzzled. She stresses me out. What has Dustin been saying? What has the group been saying? Why was she deliberately trying to steer me away from him? Is there some truth in what she was saying? Maybe he’s like this with everyone, and I’m not special at all.

  My phone pings.

  It’s Dustin.

  So I hear you’re coming to Liam’s?

  I roll my eyes. For all her protestations about being cautious, Gee talks fast, doesn’t she?

  Chapter 11

  Dustin

  I’ve been back in Surrey for approximately seven hours; however, Mum is acting like that’s the amount of time I’ve been gone for. She called me down to dinner, like old times. Except it’s not old times.

  And now I’m sitting at the table with Alicia, Mum, Elliot and Zara, who is strapped into a new high chair that Mum brought back from her shopping trip. As I prod my shepherd’s pie, feeling the cold wall of Alicia’s silence, I try to recall my reasoning for coming here again. What did I think this would achieve? Why did the police think this would be good? Since when do I listen to Georgia? Spending time with my family is going to do anything but make this easier for me.

  ‘So, what do you want from us then?’ Alicia says, breaking the silence.

  ‘Alicia,’ Mum hisses, her eyes darting from me to Alicia and back again, as if she’s afraid I’m going to disappear before her eyes.

  ‘No, Mum,’ Alicia says, her face serious. ‘Unlike you, I’m not going to pretend things are normal. He can’t just come here after two years with no contact and expect things from us.’

  Mum’s face tightens. I can almost hear the voice in her head, convincing herself that if she keeps thinking everything is perfect, maybe somehow it will be.

  ‘I don’t want anything from you,’ I say calmly.

  ‘Well then,’ Alicia says with the same icy tone, ‘why are you back?’

  ‘Look.’ I glance desperately around the table again, my eyes resting on Elliot. I still don’t like him, though I can’t find a proper reason why, which makes it even worse. ‘Can’t we wait till Elliot goes home? We don’t need to talk about it now.’

  Alicia gives a slight smile. ‘Elliot’s already home.’

  ‘What?’ I realise I’ve spoken too loudly, because Mum winces.

  Alicia doesn’t drop her gaze. She speaks slowly, enjoying the words; she’s practically rolling them around on her tongue. ‘Elliot moved in five months ago, it’s closer for his work.’ I turn to Mum, who has that compact smile glued to her face. Elliot lives here? I can barely get my head around it, Elliot lives here? What the hell has happened since I’ve been away? I think back to the last time I saw Mum before I left. The argument we were having. And now all of a sudden Elliot’s living here and that’s completely fine?

  ‘Anyway, stop stalling, Dustin. What do you want from us? Because you’ll soon learn that you’re not going to get it, and then you can leave again.’

  I take a spoonful of shepherd’s pie and chew slowly. Is this really my sister?

  As I watch her glare angrily at her plate, I am
suddenly reminded of a different Alicia. Younger, mellower, happier. She’s laughing – head thrown back, tears streaming down her face. Next to her Willow is laughing too. She’s doubled over, arms clutching her stomach. I can’t even remember what they found so funny. And then Willow was wiping her eyes and she looked at me and she smiled, and suddenly I realise how long it has been since I saw Willow smile like that.

  ‘Dustin.’

  Mum pops me out of my bubble, and I look at her, confused.

  ‘I asked how old Zara is?’ she says with a smile.

  ‘Oh.’ I still can’t get Willow’s face out of my head. ‘She’s fifteen months.’

  ‘Oh, that old? I’m surprised, because she is a very quie—’

  ‘Quiet baby, yes, I know. The doctor said it’s fine,’ I snap.

  ‘Does she walk yet?’

  I look at Zara consciously. ‘No, not yet, but she can stand if she leans on things. She’s a thinker. Likes to take her time and check she’s doing it right.’

  ‘Oh – well, she is definitely not taking after you; you were a very quick learner, walking and talking by one. A very smart baby.’

  She probably means it well, don’t rise to it, I think.

  ‘Well, I was thinking, I could look after her for you, if you need to go back to Brighton? I’m assuming you have things you need to sort out there. Were you working?’

  ‘Oh no, I’ve quit my job.’

  That’s almost true. When I called them up this morning to tell them I wouldn’t be coming in and I didn’t know when I would be, they were fine about it. Said to take all the time I need, and then they signed me off work for two weeks. So I won’t need to be going back to Brighton anytime soon. I can’t imagine waking up in our empty flat, dropping Zara at some sort of daycare, going to work.

  ‘So, what are you doing for money?’ Alicia asks.

  Mum looks uncomfortable. ‘Money is still a bit … ’ She pauses, reluctant to say more. I know she will be short on money, she always has been. But then she just spent a ridiculous amount on Zara at the shop, and that surprised me. Mum starts muttering again. ‘You know, money and that … For us things are still quite tight—’

  ‘No, I have savings, enough to tide me over until I sort myself out.’ I do have a nice amount of savings, even with the disappearance of our Disney fund box. I still haven’t told Mum about Willow’s disappearance and I don’t plan on doing so. I don’t want to give her any excuse to start criticising Willow. My life won’t start again until I have her back.

  ‘See, I know you hated it, but I did always tell you how good saving always was,’ Mum says. ‘When you were younger—’

  ‘Where’s Willow then?’

  Alicia’s question cuts the conversation dead. I flinch. I knew it would come – it was a miracle I’d avoided it for this long. And suddenly it dawns on me how many times I’ll have to answer this question over the coming months. Everyone will notice the gap in my life, the hole in my heart, the missing person. I can see Mum giving her a warning look, that Alicia comfortably ignores. I take a deep breath. ‘Willow … Willow and I … well, I broke up with her.’

  ‘Well obviously, but what happened? I thought she was the love of your life and all that?’

  I grit my teeth. She is the love of my life. I feel my nose start to burn, and quickly busy myself with feeding Zara another spoonful of dinner. ‘I just need to work out my life a bit, and I can’t be there in Brighton,’ I say, ignoring Alicia’s questions.

  ‘So now you’re not with her, you come back running to us … your second best. I see how it is.’

  ‘Alicia,’ Mum hisses.

  ‘No, Mum!’ Alicia stands up, slamming her fist on the table. Zara immediately starts crying, and I wish I could do the same. I lift her out of her high chair and onto my knee, jiggling her up and down, hoping it’ll distract her and she won’t just throw up all over me. Elliot puts his hand on Alicia’s, trying to soothe her, but she jerks it away. ‘No!’ she shouts again. ‘I’m not going to pretend this is normal and this is OK, because it’s not normal and it’s not OK. He can’t just leave for two years, no contact, apart from accepting my Facebook friend request, that I sent just so I knew he was fucking alive.’ She turns to me. ‘You know, I would always be looking out for your friends, hoping I’d see them in town, so I could get information about you, ask how you were, ask if you were OK. But then I stopped. Because you were always OK, Dustin, you were just fine.’ She steps away from the table and I notice with horror that there is a tear dripping down her cheek. Zara continues to wail, louder and louder, as if this situation weren’t difficult enough already. I start cradling her, taking deep breaths. I don’t need this.

  Alicia takes a deep breath, and I can see the physical effort she makes to compose herself. She ignores Zara and turns to Mum. ‘Mum, this is your house, and if you want him to stay here, you’re a stronger person than me. But he is not my brother, and I don’t think he is your son. He can’t only want us when he’s struggling. That’s not how it works. That’s not family. He’s not our family.’

  Then, wiping her eyes with the corner of her sleeves, she storms upstairs. Elliot clambers out from the table after her, awkwardly thanking Mum for dinner before leaving. Then it’s just me, Zara and Mum. After sitting for a few minutes, trying to quieten Zara, I look at Mum. She stares at her food, her bottom lip starting to shake.

  Fuck.

  I get up, the chair squeaking on the wooden floor.

  ‘Sorry, Mum. I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry.’

  Mum looks up, her eyes wide. I walk quickly into the living room and gently place Zara down in her new carrycot. I can sense Mum behind me.

  ‘Wait, Dustin,’ I think I hear her say. I ignore her and go upstairs, where I grab my duffel bag and start shoving everything of Zara’s into it. I go back downstairs, pick up a screaming Zara again and sling the duffel bag over my shoulder. Mum is still standing in the living room. ‘No, Dustin,’ she whispers.

  ‘I really shouldn’t have come here,’ I say, as I go towards the door.

  I have one hand on the door handle when she grabs it, forcing me round to face her. She looks up at me, her eyes wide, pleading. ‘Please don’t leave me again, Dustin. Please don’t leave. I can’t deal with you leaving again.’

  And I pause. Because I know those are the exact words, with the exact same tone of desperation, I’m going to have to say to Willow when I see her again.

  Chapter 12

  Willow

  Then – August 2017

  I’m on my way to the party. Yep, I’m just as surprised as you are.

  Gran could tell I was stressed before I left the house.

  ‘Do you want a lift?’ she asked, as I was rummaging through the alcohol cupboard in search of booze that seemed cool enough to take. Pimm’s circa 1995 wouldn’t do. How did that even make it through the house move?

  I popped my head up to look at her. ‘I’m OK, thanks, I’m walking there with Gee.’

  ‘Well be careful, I don’t like the idea of you girls walking alone in the dark. Stick with her.’

  ‘I would never walk alone, don’t worry,’ I lie. I mean, if Gran can, I can, right?

  She smiled at me. ‘Have fun tonight. I’m so excited for you. The heart that loves is always young.’

  I can’t help but smile back. Gran is always repeating things she read in a book, or else picked up somewhere.

  But now I’m here at the party, and the more I think about the phrase the more I wonder what the hell it means. What’s so great about being young? ‘Young’ just seems to be code for a whole lot of stress and worry. Gee is off with some boy, and I’m standing next to Joe, drinking an awful vodka and Coke concoction from a plastic cup. I have a horrible feeling Joe is bored of standing with me. Dustin is chatting to some girl across the room and I know I am staring at him. Everyone around me is having the time of their lives and I feel like I want to curl up into a ball and disappear. I had the usual butterflies wa
lking up but now my stomach is churning so much I worry I might be sick. I’m going to cry in a minute, but if I walk away I’m worried people are going to look at me, and my breath is getting shorter and raspier. Count to ten, Willow, count to ten. But I can feel it brewing, a full-blown panic attack is going to come crashing down on me any moment now.

  I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home.

  ‘Why?’ Joe is looking at me. I didn’t know I said that out loud. He looks across the room at Dustin. ‘What, because of that?’

  ‘What? No!’

  ‘Someone’s jeeaa-lous,’ Joe drawls in a teasing, drawn-out way. I could hit him.

  ‘No!’ I shake my head vigorously.

  Dustin now has one arm round the girl, and she giggles, jokingly punching him on the other. She is pretty. Long auburn, wearing a sparkly blue jumpsuit. She looks like a modern-day Disney princess.

  ‘It’s his sister.’

  I throw my head back to Joe. ‘What?’

  He laughs at my response. ‘The girl he is with is Alicia, his younger sister. Don’t worry.’

  ‘I wasn’t worrying.’

  Joe takes another sip of his beer. ‘Whatever you say, Wills.’

  He barely knows me, and he calls me Wills. I’ve never had a nickname before.

  Joe starts walking away, and I’m on my own, so I use the opportunity to go to the toilet and assess what I’m doing next. The panic is still there, lurking. I place my cup on the floor and start walking quickly. Weaving through people, eyes lowered, and it’s going well until I bump into someone. I look up, embarrassed, and am beginning to apologise, when I see it’s Dustin.

  He smiles. ‘Hey, you.’

  I just gawk back.

  ‘You never replied to my last message,’ he says in mock accusation.

  But I just stay silent, worried if I say a word, I’m going to break down. I’m not feeling good, I just want to go home. My heart is pounding and I am shaking all over.

  Dustin frowns. ‘You OK?’

  ‘I just need … I just, I just need some air.’