Consumed (Addicted to You Book 1)

by Flatman, NJ

  “I’m sure I can,” he laughed. “I’m not sure you’d like it.”

  “If it made me numb, I’d love it and you,” I spoke softly, barely able to breathe in and breathe out.

  “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” he teased. “I still haven’t gotten your phone number.”

  “So can you really do it?” I asked, ignoring his remark. “Or are you fucking with me?”

  “Not yet,” he teased, keeping up the same line of jokes that I was avoiding.

  I didn’t think about his supposed interest in me. It wasn’t going to happen. Once I had the heart to tell him that, I would. But at that moment all that was on my mind was his positive answer from moments before. If he knew how to numb what was inside I needed to do it. Telling him he didn’t have a chance might just ruin the one he was half-assed offering me.

  “Oh I can,” I tried not to look at him, terrified he would smile again and send my body reeling. “But I don’t think it’s your cup of tea.”

  “Don’t make assumptions about me!” I snapped, livid that he wouldn’t answer me. “I’m in a terrible place right now”

  “Have you ever done drugs?” He asked softly, making sure no one was listening.

  “I smoked a blunt once in college,” it was a fact I’d told very few people.

  I was always afraid people would judge me badly for having tried marijuana. That’s the main reason I didn’t share that story with anyone.

  But Luke was the opposite of what I expected. He cocked his head in that Spencer style and let out the loudest and most authentic laugh I’d ever heard.

  I wondered why he’d asked. Was it because of my actions? Maybe he believed I was high on something.

  “You are bad!” he said mockingly. “I don’t know if I can be friends with someone who lives such a risky and illicit lifestyle.”

  “Shut the hell up,” His arm was nearby so I smacked it. “I was sheltered.”

  “evidently,” his laugh was still going.

  “Well,” I sighed. “That’s my reply.”

  “Not exactly what I intended,” he teased.

  “Then what did you mean?”

  “More than a blunt for starters?” he had stopped, but the laughter resumed. “even smoking weed regularly? Or maybe something a little harder?”

  I shook my head fervently. There was no way I’d ever do anything other than the blunt I’d smoked and even that was uncertain. I’d sworn that I’d never touch anything again, but if it’d anesthetize me so that survival was easier- I just might.

  “Like I said,” he nodded, “not your cup of tea.”

  “So, what? Drugs are the only answer?” I huffed, getting angry at the discussion and frustrated that I didn’t have a resolution. “I can live in this hell or the one created by dependence?”

  “You mean like that one?” he pointed at the glass in my hand.

  “It’s not the same,” sitting the glass down, I crossed my arms. “I don’t have to drink.”

  “I know,” his eyes rolled as his voice dripped with sarcasm. “You can stop anytime you want to.”

  “Yes,” I nodded. “Drugs hold you hostage.”

  “Only if you let them Avery,” he shrugged. “But I told you that it’s not your cup of tea. I’m sorry I brought it up.”

  “So you can’t help?” the defeat weighed heavy in my heart. “There’s nothing,” my body wilting, I reached for the glass once more.

  “There’s no magical cure Avery,” he watched with concern in his eyes and I turned my head, avoiding his pity. “But hurting ends,” he threw in.

  “Fine,” I turned to walk back to the bar. “You can’t do it. That’s cool.”

  I wasn’t really annoyed at him, but I was. He’d gotten my hopes up. He’d let me think that he could do something for me. For a short second I’d had optimism that the ache would end. More than anything he was trying to get me to open up. And I couldn’t. Wouldn’t. It’d be the death of me.

  “Why do you want to be numb?” I heard the question and wasn’t sure whether to ignore or answer.

  I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want to tell anyone. Colby had shown me that nobody really understood. Especially when they found out it’d happened before.

  “Because feeling is overrated,” I answered with vagueness.

  “What do you not want to feel?” Luke continued, walking up behind me.

  “I don’t want to feel anything,” I turned and stared at him. “Not a damn thing. Happy, sad or anywhere in between. I don’t want to feel a fucking thing.”

  My answer was vague, but as candid and authentic as I could get. In those moments, staring at Luke and aching for Spencer, I was as raw as I could be.

  I needed him in my life and not having him was going to destroy me. But it was more than that. I wanted to remove it. All of it. I wanted every memory to be wiped out of my head. Even the good ones. And that was a first.

  I didn’t want to remember what it felt like to lie in his arms. To see his eyes so full of love, watching me as I sat by him and making me believe I were perfect. The electrical energy I felt when our hands touched. The way he would finish my sentences. The nights he brought something home because he just ‘knew’ that I had wanted it. The way he’d taken care of me. How intensely he’d loved me. The happiness that came from just being near him.

  I didn’t want to remember any of it. As excellent as it was, I wanted it to go away. Not because I regretted those moments. Quite the opposite, actually. Instead it was because if I could shut my eyes and experience the good, the horrific would be that much heavier. The loss that much deeper. The ability to keep going that much harder.

  “Who broke your spirit Avery?” the question stopped my thoughts and froze me in my tracks. “Who damaged you this badly?”

  He had seen it. Luke had seen what even Colby couldn’t. It wasn’t rebelling or feeling sorry for myself. I was damaged. Broken. Destroyed.

  For the first time there was someone standing by me that could see and comprehend. I wasn’t sure why, but Luke seemed to be concerned. There was no doubt that he’d pay attention and offer guidance and a shoulder to cry on. Something I so badly needed to combat the utter solitude and misery I was trapped in.

  I turned and watched his eyes flash with understanding and I longed to tell him what I was feeling and thinking. Instead my eyes dropped and I shook my head.

  “It’s nothing,” I lied, knowing that he knew I was. “I’ll be okay.”

  “you aren’t okay,” stepping forward, he went to put his hand on my shoulder but stopped short- probably remembering his last attempt to touch me. “Why don’t we go somewhere and chat?” he offered.

  I found it more than a little disconcerting that a complete stranger at a party could see into the depths of my core and my own best friend disregarded it. She was always acting as though I was just being melodramatic. Luke showed me that I wasn’t. He was like the mirror that I looked into. I saw my own tortured soul reflecting in his eyes.

  Most girls in my place would self-destruct. They would find a guy to hold them together until the broken parts healed. I could effortlessly envision Luke being a guy to do that. But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t even try.

  Somewhere in the far recesses of my heart I held a little bit of hope. I held onto this minute piece that believed perhaps, just possibly, Spencer would get in touch with me. Maybe he would even come back. And I loved him very much. Which meant that I couldn’t fathom doing anything that would hurt him, even in his absence. And that included leaning too far on another man. Even if it was platonic.

  “I can’t,” I replied, backing away. “I’m sorry Luke.” I turned to walk away and stopped. “Thank you,” I told him. “Thank you for caring. But I need to go now.”

  “Come back?” he requested and I wasn’t sure if he meant right then or another night. I didn’t stop to ask. I had to go.

  “Goodbye,” I whispered and turned away.

  I turned and walked away fro
m Luke and the party. Out the door and into the road, I continued walking. I sent Colby a quick text to let her know I’d left. It wasn’t too far back to the resort and I felt like the walk would do me good.

  I didn’t know why I was leaving. Nothing made much sense. I just knew that I had to get away. From the people. From the pain. From the guy that smiled like Spencer and made me want to tell him everything that I couldn’t share.

  Even in those moments when my insides twisted into knots and I couldn’t quite be sure if I hated Spencer or loved him, I wouldn’t talk about him with another man. It would have upset him. And as badly as my body wanted to disintegrate from the torture in that moment; I still couldn’t hurt the man I’d loved with all of my now shattered soul.

  Chapter 22

  “What if he hates me?” I asked for the third time in as many minutes.

  Spencer was taking me to the south side of Chicago to meet his brother Kevin. It was the first time I’d met any of his family and I was beyond nervous.

  “Who could hate you?” he grinned. “It’s not possible.”

  “Colby hates me,” I corrected.

  “Colby hates me,” he revised my statement. “She is mad at you for choosing me, but she hates me.”

  “I’m mad at her for asking me to choose,” I snapped. “But I don’t want to talk about Colby anymore. What if Kevin hates me?”

  Spencer laughed and squeezed my hand.

  “He’s going to adore you almost as much as I do,” he assured me.

  The neighborhood was dark and a little bit scary. I’d never really ventured much into the south side. Everyone knew there was more crime and a lot of gangs. At least that’s what everyone thought they knew. Spencer had said it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought.

  But as we drove up the street and I looked at the boarded up houses and windows with bars on them, I questioned his idea of bad and good.

  The building he parked in front of was about three stories tall and just as dark and intimidating as the area it was in.

  “Are you sure you should leave the car?” I asked Spencer, thinking of all of the things that could happen.

  “Come on Ave,” he laughed and ignored my question.

  Kevin’s building had an elevator, but it was out of order. This meant we had to take the stairs, which also felt dark and frightening. Especially when we reached the second floor and had to step over a man lying on the landing, passed out from some form of alcohol.

  “Don’t worry,” he reassured me. “He’s just drunk.”

  “Uh huh,” I replied, stepping over the body and making slightly quicker strides up the last set of steps.

  As we approached the apartment I felt my nerves get the better of me and I slowed down. I was terrified to meet his family. That made this seem real and he seemed to not be willing to make it that real. He’d only been back a couple of weeks.

  “Come on Ave,” he coaxed. “He’s going to love you. I promise.”

  The man that opened the door looked nothing at all like the man I was in love with. If I’d seen them together on the street I’d have never guessed that they were related.

  “You must be Avery,” he smiled at me, his mouth missing a couple of teeth on the side. “I’m so glad to meet you. Come in!”

  Kevin seemed friendly enough. He was very welcoming. But I’d expected him to look as attractive as his brother and he most certainly did not. Standing at well over six feet tall, Kevin was skinny to an almost sickening degree. His skin was pale instead of having the deep olive tone that I saw on Spencer. His eyes were a pale blue and I spotted a couple of freckles on his face, along with a lot of acne. He wasn’t ugly by any means. But they looked nothing alike. Down to the fact that Kevin had short blonde hair instead of the longer and darker locks.

  “You guys are brothers?” I asked, and both of them began to laugh.

  “We get that all the time,” Kevin teased. “Always have. Our parents look vastly different as well. I look like ma and Spence looks and acts just like dad.”

  “I see,” I replied, making my way through a clutter of boxes, bags and fast food wrappers to find a spot to sit down. He was certainly messier than his brother, that was for sure.

  “Spencer has told me so much about you,” Kevin announced as he walked away from us. In moments he returned with a can of diet coke and offered it to me. “It’s all I have, sorry.”

  “It’s good,” I smiled, opening the can and forcing myself to drink.

  “I just had to meet the girl that stole my brother’s heart,” Kevin grinned, pacing back and forth and rubbing his hands together. I wondered to myself if he was as nervous as I was.

  “Kev,” Spencer’s tone was different than normal but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. “Sit and join us,” he waved at the chair across from where we sat.

  “I will,” Kevin shot him a knowing look and I wondered what I wasn’t able to catch. “I’ll be right back,” he quickly threw out and walked out of the room.

  “I’m sorry babe,” Spencer stood up, looking frustrated and angry. “I’ll be back in a sec.”

  I sat on the dingy sofa and felt completely out of place. Ironically though, Kevin’s apartment felt homey even in the mess. It was comfortable and I wasn’t worried about wearing my shoes or spilling a drink. Although I’d rather have spilled the drink than to actually drink it.

  “What the hell?” I heard Spencer talking loudly. “You promised me!”

  “I’m sorry,” Kevin replied. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” Spencer asked, still loud enough for me to hear. “I have Avery here.”

  “Don’t be so uptight,” Kevin spoke again. “here…” I wasn’t sure what he was offering, but Spencer didn’t take it very well.

  “You know better,” his voice was rigid. “How long this time Kev?”

  “I dunno,” He replied. “Couple days.”

  “Couple?” Spencer asked.

  “Three, four…maybe seven. I’m not sure. What day is it?”

  “Judging by the way you and your fucking apartment looks, it’s been closer to the seven.”

  “I’m sorry,” I heard Kevin’s voice change to one that seemed genuine. “I didn’t mean to still….”

  “You never do,” Spencer said. “She’s the most important person in the world to me and you are going to fuck this up.”

  “Spence,” he pleaded. “I’m sorry.”

  “Then don’t,” Spencer added.

  I listened to the silence and wondered what they were discussing. Why was Spencer so angry and what was Kevin apologizing for? None of it made sense and I was tired of being treated like a child that had to sit in the other room and behave.

  I got up and I walked towards the sound of their voices, which appeared to be a bedroom. The door was open and Spencer was standing just to the side of it.

  “Put it away,” Spencer continued. “Toss it out. Whatever. Come sit with us and meet the love of my life.”

  “Spence,” Kevin pleaded again. “You know that I can’t….”

  “Won’t Kev,” Spencer corrected. “You can, you just won’t.”

  “She’s pretty,” Kevin offered, changing the subject.

  “She’s beautiful,” Spencer agreed, a smile in his voice.

  I smiled at the words that I was hearing even as I took in the scene in front of me. Spencer stood, arms crossed over his chest, stiff and appearing angry.

  His tall and lanky brother was pacing, head jerking around randomly and his hands clasped together, looking as if he were scared to be in the room with anyone.

  “You going to marry her?” Kevin asked.

  I waited to hear the answer, halfway hoping that it was a yes even though I knew it wasn’t.

  “Right now I’m just trying not to fuck it up,” Spencer’s voice dropped. “And failing miserably.”

  I wanted to go to him. I needed to put my arms around him and tell him that he wasn’t fucking anything
up. That I wasn’t going anywhere. But something about the way they were standing and the conversation they were having made me feel as though I shouldn’t interrupt.

  “You are a better man than me Spence,” Kevin looked at him.

  “No I’m not,” he argued.

  “How the hell can you say that?” Kevin yelled. “Look at me,” he waved his hand around the room. “Look at this!”

  “That doesn’t make me better Kev,” Spencer’s voice softened in response to his brother’s anger. “We are the same.”

  “Like hell we are the same!” Kevin yelled. “We’ve never been the same. I was always the bad one. I will always be the bad one!”

  “You just have to make different choices Kevin,” Spencer walked towards his brother and I sat silently watching from the side.

  “Like she did?”

  “You aren’t her! Why can’t you realize that?” I could tell Spencer was getting frustrated and I wasn’t sure whether to walk away and pretend I wasn’t there or go to him and help to calm him down.

  “Oh, but I am,” kevin argued. “Nothing else matters to me as much as this. Not Kate. Not my job. Not even you brother.”

  “I don’t believe that,” Spencer shook his head, but I saw the way his facial expression changed and I knew the words had hurt him. I just wasn’t sure why. “I don’t believe that at all.”

  “Really?” Kevin turned and looked at Spencer. “You were bringing your girl here to meet me. I promised you. I knew how important this was to you. And yet here I am…” he waved his arm around again. “Same Kevin. Selfish Kevin. Not giving a damn what anyone thinks. Not even you. Sound familiar Spence?”

  “Yea, I guess it does,” I watched his shoulder slump forward and his head drop. “I guess it does.”

  Something about the exchange seemed private and I felt like an intruder that was spying on them. Instead of letting them find me, I turned and walked back towards the living room. Everything inside of me wanted to leave. I contemplated grabbing my things and sneaking out, but then I remembered where I was and that I wasn’t very confident in venturing out alone.