Breathe

by Amber Lacie

  “I know. You’ve told me since we were five. I love you, too, but I have always loved you. It’s different. You’re my best friend. Michael is my boyfriend. Why do you always question me? Why can’t you just let me be?” Anger consumes me. I am angry with him for making me think that I feel something that isn’t there. I am angry with myself for letting my thoughts stray. But mostly, I am angry because I fear his words might bare a little truth to them.

  “Firefly–”

  My hand stiffly flies in to the air, halting his words. “Do not use that name with me. You can’t call me that anymore.” I lose any resolve that I have and break into a run towards the house. The echo of my feet stomping up the stairs is eerie, yet satisfying. Why is everything so painful? I just want to feel numb for a while.

  *****

  The light pink walls of my bedroom close around me, as I collapse in front of my dresser. I strip my shirt from my body, as I pull a new one out of the drawer. Slipping my arms into the dry shirt, I pull it over my head and lean against the dresser. I gently tug on the long, twisted phone-cord hanging off the edge. Needing to talk to someone who would understand, I call the only person I know who will help me. It rings twice before the answering machine picks up.

  “You’ve got Mike. Leave me a message. I might call you back. I might not.” I have always hated his greeting.

  “Hey, babe. It’s Carsten. Look, I really need you right now. I miss you. Call me.” Of course, the one time I call him because I desperately need him, he isn’t there. Looking at the calendar I have hanging on my wall, I begin counting the days to graduation. Thirty-seven days. It seems so far away. There is a small heart drawn on the calendar, reminding me that prom is next Saturday. Michael is taking me. It fills me with enough hope to change my focus off of the past few months.

  Prom. There is something that I never thought I would be looking forward to. I am not a dresses and shoes kind of girl. Slinging mud, ripped t-shirts, and blue jeans are more my thing. Opening my closet, I pull out the knee length, strapless black dress and lay it on my bed. White silk wraps around the shoulders, turning into a bow centered at the top of the dress. It is not something that I would pick out on my own.

  Rebecca, Noelle, and I tried on several dresses. Each of us critiqued each one. They found theirs, but I couldn’t find one I liked, until Noelle grabbed this one off of the rack. She refused to let me look at the price tag until I tried it on. I’m glad that she did because I have never felt more beautiful in my life than when I was standing in front of the floor length mirror.

  The dress hugged my curves in all the right places and my legs went on for days. All I needed was the right shoes. The sales clerk must have known because she walked in with the sexiest black-strapped high heels that I had ever seen. Thin black leather straps crossed over my toes, until it met with elegant black lace wrapping around my heel, meeting with a thin black leather strap. They must have been at least three inches high. I knew walking in them would be difficult, but it would be worth it.

  Pulling the brown shoebox from under my bed, I carefully pull out each heel and place it beside my dress. I feel like Cinderella. A laugh escapes me, as I picture the dress turning into rags, mice scattering about my feet, and a pumpkin smashing to the ground behind me. Just because I don’t have an evil stepmother lurking about, doesn’t mean that I don’t want a prince to come and rescue me. A knight in shining armor whisking me away. And they lived happily ever after.

  The screen door slams, reality slaps me in the face, and I head down the stairs, as I hear voices discussing where to lay my dad down. So much for fairytales.

  “Carsten? You here girl?” Jenkins, the sheriff’s deputy, calls out for me. I could recognize his voice anywhere. He always reminds me a little bit of Winnie the Pooh, soft and low.

  “Yeah, I’m coming down.”

  My dad is propped up on the dark green couch with a light pink flowered pillow behind his head. He is already sound asleep. Grabbing the afghan off the wooden rocking chair by the window, I toss it over him. He may be a drunk, but he is MY drunk. He’s still my dad.

  “They gave him some pills and he’s got about ten stiches on his side there, so make sure he isn’t moving around too much. He’s supposed to head into town and see Doc Rawls in about a week or so. I’m sorry I have to leave him here like this, Carsten, but I have to get back to my shift. Right now, Holden’s dad is the only one at the station, everyone else is out and about.” Jenkins nods towards the kitchen, where I see Holden coming out with a glass of water.

  He sets it on the table by the couch before giving Jenkins’ shoulder a squeeze. “I have got it now, Jenkins. I’ll make sure he’s set up for the night, before I head back home.” Fire burns into my cheeks from Holden’s words. I walked away for a reason and now he is going to push the issue. Jenkins must pick up on the tension between us because he stops as his hands push on the screen door.

  “You sure you’re alright, Carsten? I could call someone else.”

  “No, you go on ahead. I have got this handled. Holden will be leaving soon as well, so don’t worry.”

  “Alright then. You all have a good night.” With a nod of his head, he walks back down the wooden porch steps to his squad car waiting for him. Sometimes, I wonder if a small town is a blessing or a curse.

  “What do you want to do?” Holden runs his fingers through his messy hair, leaves and all. It only angers me. If looks could kill, Holden would be rolling on the ground in pain right now, but sadly I possess no magical powers, so I just stare him down instead.

  “What I want is for you to leave. I thought you would have figured that out when I walked away from you, but obviously, I thought wrong. Why do you have to push things with me? Why can’t you just accept what is?” My arms are doing a better job of expressing my frustration than my words are. They flail through the air as if the sharper the movements, the more emphasis there is on my words. Crazy. I am sure that is how I would look to someone passing by, watching me wave my arms about as if I may take flight.

  “I will never accept it. You need to be honest with yourself. Michael controls everything you do. I don’t trust him. Why can’t you see him like I do? He’s not good for you, Carsten.”

  “And what way is that?”

  “He doesn’t look at you the way I do. Like this.” My stomach does a flip with a little twist, as he steps towards me. My focus is on his eyes. They never move from my face, not even the slightest flutter of an eyelash. Realization dawns on me, and suddenly I know he is looking at me so intently because he can’t see anything else. My heart trips over itself. This can’t be. It will never work. I can’t stay here.

  Somewhere, someone coughs, drawing me back to reality, stealing me away from a dangerous mistake. “Michael.” His name almost sounds like a warning, as it spills from my lips. Guilt eats at me from what could have been. Holden takes a step back, sliding his hands into his back pockets.

  “Tell me what it is I’m looking at here, babe.”

  Swallowing, I walk towards the door, opening it for the man who is going to save me from this place. His hair is longer than the last time I saw him, but it is still just as sexy when he runs his fingers through his messy waves. Blue eyes stare at me, waiting on me for a response. My body finds itself pulling towards him without any prompting. It moves on its own accord, as though it knows where my future lies.

  “I was just helping Jenkins drop her dad off.” Holden’s voice breaks the silence.

  “Huh. The thing is I saw Jenkins when I turned off the main road, but what concerns me is why you are still here. It seems her dad is safe and sound. Why is it that you are still here?”

  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. The fear in my eyes screams at Holden to leave. I don’t trust Michael not to start a fight. He has always been jealous, and finding us like this isn’t helping. “Babe, I’m sorry. I asked him to stay to make sure that I had everything set up downstairs before he left. I was afraid my daddy might wake up. I don’t want him
alone.” Tears softly fall from my eyes, as I wrap myself into Michael’s arms. The tears fall harder, as I see the pain from my choice register in Holden’s eyes. Michael holds the door open for him and I watch my ‘what if moment’ walk right out the door.

  Wrapping his arm around me, Michael walks me upstairs to my room, while whispering in my ear, “I’m here now. Don’t worry, babe, soon you’ll be with me in Lafayette and we won’t have to worry about anyone. It will just be you and me.” Dry, hard lips press themselves against the side of my neck as we step towards my bed. His hands slide up my chest roughly, grabbing my breasts.

  I gasp, as his long fingers slide up my neck, tightening their hold until I can’t breathe. “Just you and me, Carsten. This won’t work if you lie to me, so tell me the truth. Did that piece of trash touch you?” My nails dig into his hands trying to pry them away from my throat, but his grip is too strong. What the fuck is happening? Fear sweeps over my body, cold sweat drips down my back. Never in my life have I been more scared then I am right now.

  “No.” My voice is hoarse and low. Suddenly, his grip loosens. I gasp for air as he pushes me onto the bed.

  “The only reason I believe you is because I love you. Don’t ever make me question you again. I drove all the way here to check up on you and I find you alone with him. It only proves Jimmy was right. I have decided to extend my stay. I won’t be going back to Lafayette until you come with me. Knowing you are here flirting with other guys, while I’m gone, isn’t helping me concentrate on my studies anyways. Thankfully, my dad has some pull with the Dean. I’ll only lose one credit, instead of four. You are with me. No one else.”

  “I didn’t…we didn’t…I’m with you.”

  “I know, you know, and now he knows. Now, I want you to close your eyes and let me show you how much you need me.”

  Closing my eyes, I roll onto my back, as he pulls at my clothes. It is always the same with him. He says that he is going to show me how much I need him, but I always feel like I am left wanting something. It is almost as if I am waiting for an explosion to happen, or like I am left sitting on the edge, waiting for something more. But more never happens. Maybe it is me. Maybe I am broken. Everything always seems to be better for him when it comes to sex. I once read an article in a magazine, stating some girls don’t get orgasms until they are in their mid-twenties. I can only hope the article is wrong because I am not sure how much longer I can be left feeling this way.

  It ends just as quickly as it began. I lie in bed, as I watch him pace around my room mumbling to himself. Pulling the sheet up over my bare chest, I shrink against the headboard. Eggshells. It is the only word I know to explain how I feel right now. I should be happy and in love, dreaming of a place away from here, but now the image is tainted. It is my fault, it is all my fault. If I would have told Holden to leave sooner, if I didn’t go with him, if I would have ignored him…if I had done any of those things, I wouldn’t feel so betrayed right now, so empty. Michael spins on his heel and steps toward me. Immediately recoiling from his touch, afraid of what might happen, I close my eyes.

  Soft fingers run through my hair. “Babe, don’t do that. Please, don’t do that. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. It’s just the thought of losing you…it kills me.” Opening my eyes, I witness a man breaking in front of me. Michael is crying into his hands, pleading for me to forgive him. What have I done? “Carsten, please, I love you. Don’t hate me. God, please, don’t hate me. I love you so fucking much.”

  My mind screams at me to stop, to run, but my heart holds my hand steady, as my fingers gently brush against his soft, blonde locks. “I love you. Ssh, babe. Let’s just forget it. It never happened, okay?”

  His hands fall in his lap. Tears streak down his red cheeks. I have disappointed too many people tonight. Why can’t I just do something right? His fingers entwine with mine. “Carsten, I love you so much. It’s just us from now on. Promise me that it’s just us.”

  “It’s just us. It will always be just us.”

  His wet lips gently kiss my forehead, stirring butterflies in my stomach. “I have to get home or my pops will wonder what happened to me. He knows I’m back home for a while and you know he will send out a search party. He’s been like that ever since my mom died. One month, babe. One month and we will be inseparable. I’ll take you to school and pick you up from now on, okay? I just want to make sure you get there safely.”

  I nod my head in agreement. Whether it is my safety or his jealousy, it doesn’t matter. I am not going to take the risk of disappointing him again. Staying here is not an option. The door shuts quietly and I am left with a new feeling of emptiness. Closing my eyes, I fall back on my pillows and pray for sweeter dreams. Who knew life could be this rough at nineteen?

  Chapter 3

  It has been six days since I have spoken to Holden. Six days of complete silence from my best friend. Rebecca seems to be ignoring me, as well. The only person that I have to talk to at school is Noelle. Our conversations always focus around Michael. If she didn’t drool over her boyfriend David, I would question her motives for always asking so many questions.

  Tomorrow is prom. Michael is going to pick me up around five. There is a small parade to mark the occasion. We all arrive at the school, line up our cars, drive through town, and arrive back at the school where we all walk in under an archway made of flowers, which leads to the gym. It is not fancy, but it is the way they have done things for the past fifty years. One thing about small towns is that they do not like to break tradition.

  Noelle is waiting for me by my locker after the last class of the day. The bell only rang one minute ago, but she is standing there with her books in her hands, waiting on me as if it has been ten. Out of all my friends, she is the easiest one to get along with. She doesn’t mess with drama and never gives a shit about anything unless it ultimately affects her. Some people refer to her as selfish; I think she is a genius. I wish that I could focus on just myself…it would make life so much easier.

  “So.” Pop. “What’s the plan for tomorrow?” Smack. Pop. “David is picking me up at five. Are you and Michael driving?” Pop. “We could pick you up in our limo. I told my dad I didn’t need one, but he always wants the best for me.” Smack. Pop. “I just love being a daddy’s girl. You know?” Pop. My eye is beginning to twitch. I swear if she pops her gum one more time, I am going to snap.

  Taking a deep breath, I steel my nerves, before slamming my locker door shut. Her boyfriend may be willing to divulge every bit of info, but mine is different. “Noelle, for the tenth time, I have no idea what Michael has planned. This is all up to him. He wants to surprise me. That’s the thing about surprises, you don’t know what’s going to happen.”

  Pop. “You are so right. I’ll just have David call Michael. We will work it all out. Don’t worry.” Pop.

  “Stop it. Just stop it. If you pop your gum one more time in my ear, I am going to rip it out of your mouth and strangle you with it.”

  Noelle’s eyes go wide, as she swallows her gum. I have the momentary thought that I may have been too harsh, but the thought of her popping her gum again drives me to a dark place that I might not return from. She raises one eyebrow to let me know that I have crossed a line. “Okay, so I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume you’re being a Grade A Bitch because of your fight with Holden.”

  “What? You can screw right off, Noelle. You have no idea what you are even talking about, okay? Holden crossed a line. You don’t need to know anything else other than that.” Fuck her. She is sticking her nose in places where it doesn’t need to be.

  “Right, and Becca is just avoiding you for fun. Whatever you did or didn’t do sure has her pissed off.”

  “Go to Hell, Noelle.” My stress level is skyrocketing, causing my patience to be completely non-existent. It is not her fault. She stands behind me, unwilling to follow me to the parking lot where Michael will be waiting for me. I don’t want to make him wait, but bashing the only friend that
I have now in the process, isn’t going to do any good, either. Sighing, I pause mid-step and turn to face my friend, frozen in shock. “I’m sorry, okay. It’s just everything at home is so fucked up. I don’t need any more problems, you know? I’m sorry. I’ll talk to Michael and let him know David wants to talk to him about prom, okay?”

  Poor Noelle is standing like a deer in headlights, completely frozen, staring at me. “Yeah. Whatever is cool. That’s all fine with me.”

  I give her a quick wave and head out to the parking lot.

  *****

  I should have been at his car two minutes ago. The irritation on his face is evident, as I slide into the passenger seat of his blue, Dodge pickup truck.

  “You know I’m out here, yet you kept me waiting.”

  “I’m sorry. I tried, but Noelle wouldn’t leave me alone about prom. I told her you were surprising me. Maybe you can call David and just–”

  “Damn it, Carsten.” Michael’s fist slams against the dash, hitting the radio and causing it to randomly change stations. “You want to know why it’s a surprise? It’s a surprise because I won’t tell you anything. Now, you are trying to trick me into telling David, so he can tell Noelle, so she can tell you. Do you think I’m stupid?”

  “What? No. That’s not it at all. They have a limo and she wants us to ride with her. I swear I told her it’s all up to you. It’s a surprise.” Gently laying my hand on his fist still resting on the dash, I try to ease the tension surrounding us. My voice is a soft whisper, as my thumb strokes across his skin. “I love surprises and I love you. I don’t know anything and I don’t want to know anything. You’re the smartest person I know. My faith and trust are in your hands.”

  “And your heart?”

  “It belongs to you as always.” He doesn’t say anything back. He doesn’t need to. Sitting up straight, he puts the car into drive. I live farther out from town than most people do, so the drive can seem like it takes forever, especially in the quiet, but I am not willing to break the silence between us. I am not fully certain he has forgiven me for being late. I do not want to cross another line with him. I keep my hand on his, letting him know that I am with him. It stays there until we pull up in front of my house.