Breathe

by Amber Lacie

  “I’ll be back to pick you up around five. That will give us plenty of time for pictures before the dance. I thought we might skip out of the dance early tonight, maybe take a blanket down to the creek. What do you think?”

  The thought of our first visit to the creek brings heat to my cheeks. It was a night of awkwardness, followed by the loss of my innocence. It wasn’t his first time. I know he has been with other girls. I am not naïve, but it was still special to me. “I love the creek.”

  “I know you do.” Gently raising my hand to his lips, he places a tender kiss on my soft flesh. “I’ll see you later, baby. I love you.”

  I watch him walk away for a few seconds before quietly shutting the door behind him. It is like I am dating Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Ignoring the bad feeling starting to churn in the pit of my stomach, I turn the water on in the shower. The steam fogs the bathroom mirror, causing the smudges I have drawn before to faintly reappear. Carsten loves Michael, surrounded by little hearts stares back at me. Wiping my hand across the mirror, I erase the haunting words.

  Love. I question if I even understand the meaning of the word. I am smart enough to know that I am too young to comprehend it, but I am old enough to know that I need a way out of this life. I might not love him as much as I should, but he loves me, and he is willing to take me away from the memories of the life I no longer want. If Michael is my way out, then so be it.

  *****

  Forty-four. It is the exact number of pins holding my hair back in a French twist. I have left a few spiral curls loose around my face. Straightening the long string of pearls that I have looped around my neck twice, I take a deep breath and pucker my lips before applying my red lipstick. Michael is more of a Madonna fan, but I am hoping he approves of my classy Audrey Hepburn look. Rolling my shoulder, I take a deep breath and puff out my cheeks, as I try to rid myself of any stress this past year has left on me. Tonight is going to be fun. It may be the last night that I’m able to let lose before I leave.

  “Carsten? There’s a young man waiting down here for you. Don’t make him wait too long.” My dad’s deep timber of a voice carries itself with no extra effort up the stairs. I guess it is time to go.

  Standing, I collect my black and white chevron clutch from the vanity. I brush off imaginary lint from my short fitted black dress, making sure the white bow circling my shoulders is just right, before stepping out of the bathroom. I want to make a Hollywood entrance where the girl stands at the top of the stairs, looking down at the guy who is there to sweep her off her feet, but there is no one there to greet me. I make my lonely ascent down the steep steps and turn the corner into the living room. My dad and Michael are sitting on the steps of the front porch. I watch them sitting together in silence for a few minutes, before pressing my fingers against the screen door, softly pushing it open.

  My dad is the first to stand. “Oh, Firefly. You look so beautiful, just like your momma.” His voice cracks at the mention of my mom. I know this is hard for him, so I take my compliment with a soft smile.

  Michael looks up at me, his lips shaped into a perfect smile. His black tux matches my dress perfectly. He looks so handsome. My breath hitches in my throat, waiting for him to say something sweet. I would settle for anything, but I stand there waiting for something that is not going to happen. Instead, he stands, grasping my hand in his and pulls me roughly down the stairs behind him over to his dad’s car. Not one compliment on the way I look, or even a “hello”. Instead, his hands wrap around my waist, pulling me close to him as he leans against the Chevelle. “I’m sure you’d like some pictures, Sir. Smile, Carsten.”

  A confused look passes across my dad’s face before he grabs the silver camera off the top step, snapping a few pictures of us. My smile is rigid and stiff as Michael poses us for pictures. It may reach from ear to ear, but it never touches my eyes. I am barely able to give my dad a hug goodbye before Michael is ushering me to the passenger side of the car. I try to shake off the feeling of emptiness that is slowly encasing me as I slide into my seat. Everything feels forced and rushed. It must be stress making me feel this uneasy. These past few months I have felt as though the world is playing mind games with me. I keep imagining things with Michael. There is no way he would ever hurt me. He may be a bit controlling at times, but he loves me.

  The rumble of the engine grabs my attention. His hand reaches for mine and I cling to him hoping that he will save me from myself. The gravel crunches under the tires, as we head for the dance. It is supposed to be fun; maybe that is what I am missing. Maybe it’s what I need.

  *****

  We park behind the high school, where Noelle and David are already waiting for us. I am not sure what she is wearing, or if it can even be called a dress. It is way too short for my liking. The bright colors and sequins do nothing for it. Despite my distaste for the dress, she has captured the ‘Under the Sea’ theme for prom.

  “There are your friends. How long do we have to stay?”

  “I don’t know. I’d like to dance to at least a couple of songs and maybe get our picture taken.”

  “Deal. Then I’ll take my beautiful girl to the creek.”

  A soft smile plays on my face. This is the Michael I love. I wish more people would see this side of him. He steps out of the car and motions for me to wait for him. I slide my hand into his as he opens the door.

  “Wow, Carsten. Looking hot.” David is leaning with his back against a black limo. His mint green tux is something I don’t believe I have witnessed before, but then again it matches Noelle’s dress. Maybe I am the one out of place.

  “I’m right here you know. Gosh, David, you can be such a jerk.” Noelle stomps off in a pout with David trailing behind her. I can’t help but let out a little laugh at them.

  “That was an interesting color for a tux, don’t you think?”

  “I was more concerned with her dress. I think she was trying to be a mermaid with all of those sequins.” I start to walk towards the gym, but Michael pulls back on my arm.

  “Are you going to be a snob all night? If so, we can leave now.”

  “What? You can’t be serious. You don’t even like Noelle. In fact, the last time I even brought up her name you went off on a tangent about her family being white trash from the trailer park.”

  “Just because her family is trashy doesn’t mean she is, Carsten. I can’t believe you would be this shallow. She’s a good friend to you. Not everyone has money like my family does. I would think you of all people would understand that.”

  What? Since when does he like any of my friends? My hand is grasped tightly in his once again, as he pulls me along behind him. I am trying my best to keep up with him, but walking this fast in heels isn’t working well. My foot slips and I almost fall, but someone catches me by my elbow. Heat scorches across my bare skin and I freeze mid-step, causing Michael to turn around and witness my savior still holding onto me.

  “Holden. Let go of my date.” Michael’s jaw clenches. My fingers are screaming in pain from the grip he has on them.

  “I wouldn’t have to hold her if you weren’t dragging her behind you. She’s in heels, Michael. To be honest, I’m surprised you even noticed she was with you. Is your mind somewhere else tonight, or maybe, it’s with someone else tonight?”

  “Fuck off, Holden. You have no clue what you are talking about.” Michael loosens his grip on my fingers, while wrapping his other hand around my waist, pulling me out of Holden’s grip. What is Holden talking about?

  “That’s to be determined.” Holden’s jaw clenches.

  “Where’s your date? Shouldn’t you be entertaining her?”

  “Rebecca is meeting me inside, and it’s of no concern to you. I’ll see you around, Carsten. Please, be careful. I’m not sure what I would do if anything happened to you.” Holden’s eyes are black daggers, staring directly at Michael. I don’t need this. Not now.

  “Thank you for helping me up. I’m fine. I just slipped. I shouldn’t have
worn these heels. Really, it’s all my fault. Thank you for your concern.” I spin in Michael’s arm, turning my back towards Holden, trying to cause a distraction before something or someone collides in an explosion.

  “See? She’s fine. I have got her taken care of. You can go now.”

  I can feel Holden’s glare burning into my back. He is waiting to make sure that I’m okay, and while I appreciate the gesture, it is only making things more awkward.

  “Michael, can you walk me into the dance now? I don’t want to waste all my time standing in the parking lot. I want to dance with you. Just you. Okay?”

  I can feel Holden leave before I see him walking away from us. I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t want Michael to hurt him, either. The sooner I get to Lafayette, the sooner everyone will be safe.

  *****

  The gym is decorated with purple and green ribbons falling from the rafters. There are at least two mermaids drawn on the backdrops of every wall. Fishing nets adorned with starfish and seashells, lay across the tables. The line for the photographer is short, so Michael decides now would be the best time to have our pictures taken. We stand quietly in line, while others talk around us. Looking up at Michael, I can tell that he is annoyed, but I push it off to the people carrying on around us.

  He never was a big fan of large groups of people. When he asked me to prom this year, I was completely shocked. We didn’t go to his senior prom, but he pushed for me to go this year. He ranted on for weeks about creating memories, so eventually I caved, and now here we are about to get our picture taken.

  “If you two could just stand in the center of the tridents, this will be over very quickly.” My eyes flash to the backdrop. There are two spray-painted gold tridents, which I am sure used to be rakes at some point, propped up against an ocean themed painting. There is even white sand sprinkled on the ground. Michael must sense my unease at the tacky arrangements, so he pulls me to him, completely taking control of the situation. We smile and the bright flash goes off, signaling us to step away from the atrocious beach scene behind us. The photographer takes our envelope, hands us a written receipt, and then we are quickly ushered away from the area.

  “Tell me you hated that. I hated it.”

  “It was different.” Michael shrugs his shoulders, as if it all just makes sense to him. Maybe I am being a snob tonight.

  It doesn’t take long for us to get lost in the excitement of the night. Noelle and I have left our purses with the guys, while we dance like crazed lunatics on the floor. Marky Mark’s voice engulfs us, as we take a break and head to the refreshments table.

  “Jesus, Carsten. I didn’t know you could dance like that.”

  “Like what? I just move to the song. Don’t act like you weren’t dancing with me.”

  “No, you’re right I was, but wow. I couldn’t keep up with you.” Noelle starts laughing and looking everywhere, but at me. I am just about to ask her if she has lost her mind when “I’ll Be There for You” by Bon Jovi starts playing. “Where’s David? I should go find him. This is our song.” She pushes her drink into my hand and runs off to find David, wherever he may be hiding. My best guess would be behind the dumpster smoking, but I won’t tell her that. It will only piss her off.

  I look around a couple of times for Michael, but I can’t find him. Dancing to a slow song by yourself would be incredibly awkward, so I decide to use my momentary freedom to freshen up. The line for the toilets wraps around the corner, but I only want to check my makeup, so I squeeze by the girls standing in the doorway, making my way to the sinks. It is too hot and way too crowded to double check everything, so I give myself a quick once over. My hair is still pulled back nicely. My curls have gone straight in the front, but that was bound to happen with all of the dancing.

  I hear Rebecca’s voice coming from one of the stalls. She is laughing and carrying on with someone else, talking about their plans for tonight. I don’t want any confrontations tonight, so I quickly fix my lipstick before stepping out of the bathroom.

  *****

  There is a small beam of light peeking in around one of the gym doors that is propped open. I am sure it is where everyone is going to smoke. I am just about to step outside when a familiar voice calls my name.

  “Carsten. Don’t.”

  My body freezes. “Don’t what, Holden?”

  “Just trust me. Don’t go out there. You won’t like what you see.”

  “And what would that be exactly?” I feel like asking him where his precious date is, but then I remember hearing Rebecca in the bathroom talking about her plans after the dance.

  Muffled voices carry inside and I recognize Michael’s immediately. Someone else is with him. The voices grow louder as they come closer to the door. Holden grabs my elbow jerking me away from the door, pulling me around the corner, and into the dark hallway with him. My head peeks back around the corner as Michael and Noelle walk back into the dance.

  “Is that what you were worried about? God, Holden. She was just looking for David. Their song was playing.”

  “Is that what she…You know what, forget it. Never mind. I guess she was just looking for David.”

  The door closes and the once dark hallway becomes clear to me, as Holden pulls us under the emergency lights on the wall. His hand falls away from my arm as I stand there staring at my best friend chewing his lip, running over his thoughts. I know this look. Nothing good will come from whatever happens next.

  “I love you.”

  “I love you, too, but you have to stop saying that. What if he hears you?”

  “No, you’re not listening. I love you. I really love you, Carsten.” Stepping back, my eyes run over his form. The collar of his shirt is open. A black bow tie hangs loosely around his neck. He steps closer to me. I don’t back away. I don’t want to and I couldn’t if I tried. Sweat drips down his forehead. His hands run through his dark brown tousled hair, and I watch his Adam’s apple move up and down as he swallows, taking in the sight of me. We shouldn’t be here.

  The smell of his cologne drifts around me, as his hands grasp my face. We shouldn’t be doing this. His thumbs gently brush my bottom lip, as my body lifts onto its toes trying to reach him. The heat of his touch sends shivers down my spine. I can smell his minty breath, as his lips come closer to mine. This shouldn’t be happening. I need to stop this. My body ignores my brain and all the warnings echoing around us. His lips almost reach mine when his body is ripped from in front of me.

  “What the hell is this?” My worst fear has come true. Michael is standing in front of me, fist clenched at his side, his chest puffing out in anger.

  “Don’t you fucking touch her!” Holden screams out, as if that will save me from Michael’s wrath.

  “Who the fuck do you think you are? You think you can just steal my girl? She’s mine, Holden. Mine, not yours. Stay the fuck away from us.”

  “She’s not yours. You don’t own her. She’s a fucking person not a car, asshole.”

  Michael spins, his fist flies through the air as he moves. Once. Twice. Three times he lays his fist into Holden’s face. I try my best to pull him off, but he pushes me to the side as if I weigh nothing. I have never seen him this mad.

  Turning, I run back into the gym, trying to find someone who can help me. Thank God for David. He is pouring himself a drink. I grasp his coat sleeve and drag him behind me without any explanations. By the time, I get back to the hallway, both Michael and Holden are standing with bloody lips staring each other down.

  “Whoa. Fellas, let’s not fight. Come on, guys. It’s a party. Relax. Here, have some punch. It will cool you down.” David wraps his arm around Michael’s shoulder, while handing him the crystal punch glass still in his hand. “Mikey, what are you doing, man? Your girl is scared to death. She came running out for help. Thank God I was right there. Don’t waste your time fighting him when you got this hot chick right here. Just let it go, man.”

  Michael shrugs David’s arm off of him, while
looking directly at me. “It’s fine. I’m fine. It’s all settled now. I’m going to take my girl home. I think she needs a reminder of why she’s with me.” My body shudders from his words, not out of lust, but fear.

  He doesn’t wait for David to respond. He doesn’t wait for anything. He grips me by my wrist and drags me from the dance. I slip twice in the parking lot, but he doesn’t slow down. All I get are dirty looks and reminders to keep up. I slide into the passenger seat of his dad’s Chevelle and wait for the explosion that is bound to happen. To my surprise, it never comes.

  *****

  The silence between us is deafening as Michael drives me home. I keep waiting for him to explode. Maybe I should apologize. I know this is on me, this was all my fault.

  “Carsten.” His voice jolts me from my thoughts. “I love you. Now, I know you’ve never been with anyone else and well, I have. So, maybe you just needed to see what was out there. Maybe you just needed to get it out of your system. Whatever it was you needed, I hope you found it. If it happens again, I’ll kill him.” My eyes flash upwards towards his piercing gaze. He is not kidding. “I’m a man of my word, Carsten. I know powerful people in this town and I can easily make things happen, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to explain my girlfriend’s slutty tendencies. For your sake and his, I suggest that you stay away from Holden. Don’t even breathe by him. And if you don’t believe me, or if you try to run…I will find you. Do you understand me?”

  Swallowing, I try to wet my throat, but it’s of no use. “Yes.”

  “Good. Now, we are going to go inside and I’m going to remind you of why we are perfect together.”

  The hair on the back of my neck stands on end as I watch him step out of the car and walk around to my side, opening the door for me. Michael leads me into the house and up the stairs to my bedroom. I doubt my dad even knows we are home. The empty liquor bottles lying around suggest that he is passed out somewhere in the house. Smiling, Michael opens my bedroom door for me. I am not certain if it is out of love, or if it is the devil’s promise of things to come.