Heartless A Shieldmaiden's Voice: A Covenant Keeper Novel

by S. R. Karfelt

  Carole’s gut twisted, is this is what he’d really thought of her? But why would he lie about it now?

  Ted avoided looking at her while he talked, bracing one big hand against the wall. “Then it just popped into my head one day a few weeks later. I saw a woman pushing a baby in a stroller down a street in DC—anyway I did the math. I thought, it was, you know, possible that it could be mine. I thought about the pool, and the first time, you were so strange. You are so strange. But I called in a few favors. Found out where you lived. Ran a check for newly issued birth certificates for the months of November and December in San Diego, and got a copy of the one with your name on it.”

  “You snoop!”

  Ted smacked an open hand against his chest. “That birth certificate has my name on it too! Under father! Imagine how I felt when I saw that!”

  “You left!”’

  “Men do that after one night stands!”

  “One. Night. Stand. I am nobody’s one night stand! Of all the—if you thought I was a one-night stand, why did you lie about leaving?”

  Ted clasped both hands behind his head and stared at her a moment. “I had to go—and I knew you were getting attached. I didn’t want a scene.”

  The frank answer hurt, and she knew it wasn’t true.

  “Are you going to lie to me again, and tell me you weren’t attached?”

  Ted looked away for a moment, staring at the blank white wall, then back at her almost angrily. “Why did you name her Beth?” Pronouncing the name, his voice dropped low, emotional. Even in the dim light of the hallway, the pain in his blue eyes was evident.

  “For you,” Carole whispered.

  Ted made a sound and looked at the floor for several seconds. “You don’t even know who she was.”

  Carole lifted a shoulder in a faint shrug and told him, “I know she was your heart.”

  “God.” Both Ted’s hands covered his face for a moment; then they slid down so he could look at her, his blue eyes searching.

  “I have to see my daughter, Ted. Now.” There was nothing more to be said in front of an audience, but maybe she hadn’t chosen as foolishly as she thought. Maybe.

  “Yes, you have,” the voices said.

  Moving to the side of the narrow hall, Ted gestured as the Hell’s Angel had done minutes earlier, inviting her to pass. “Just, please don’t wake her. She’s very colicky, cries all the time.”

  Behind her one of the Hell’s Angels asked, “Got any beer?”

  Ted made the same gesture towards the kitchen, and sighed. “Help yourselves.”

  BETH LOOKED LIKE a different baby. The only way Carole could be certain she was hers was the touch of that open heart, but even that felt a bit different. Beth was so long she took up more than half the length of the crib; she’d never fit in the dresser drawer she used to sleep in. Carole examined the skinny bump in the crib with its narrow bottom in the air. Beth whimpered and turned her head towards Carole, cupid mouth working in her sleep, a deep furrow between soft brows. Ted followed as far as the doorway, hovering anxiously. Carole ignored him, she’d been dreaming of this moment for six months! It was impossible not to touch Beth; the heart was beckoning but agitated. There was an edge of discomfort to it that had never been there before. Was it because her mother had left her? Guilt wretched in Carole’s gut, had her daughter been miserable the entire time? The blonde hair grew thick now and longer, the tips curled along the collar of her pink sleeping gown. Carole’s hand slipped over the white bars and rested on the silky head. Her heart sang with relief just touching Beth’s again. The touch had changed, but this was her baby.

  Carole’s fingers brushed over the silken hair; amazed how much her daughter’s head had grown. She ran her hand all the way down to rest on the tiny rump. It crinkled beneath her hand. Appalled, she knew what was wrong, why Beth was agitated. Disposable diapers. Something about them seemed to penetrate right into Carole’s hand with an unpleasant tingle. Anxious to ease her daughter, Carole lifted Beth up to her chest, tugging the diaper off and tossing it on the floor.

  “Oh, God, you have done it now.” Ted warned from the doorway. “Why did you take her diaper off?”

  Beth’s eyes opened sleepily. They were light, like the summer sky. Her mouth a perfectly shaped tiny bow, yawned sweetly, and the eyes blinked dreamily. The anxiety in her heart faded away and swam around Carole’s in greeting. “Mom, Mom, Mom, my Mom,” it said with a little shiver of relief. Beth didn’t make a peep of protest at the sudden pantsing interrupting her nap. Carole hugged her to her chest and rocked back and forth. “Oh, I’d forgotten how sweet, how very sweet—”

  “She is sweet,” Ted agreed, coming to stand beside them. “Even when she’s wailing—and I can’t believe she’s not now—there’s something so engaging about her. I’ve never seen her awake when she wasn’t crying before.”

  Carole pressed her lips on top the blonde head, spreading kisses and breathing her in. Beth snuggled against her chest, burrowing in with hands, feet and face.

  “It’s the diapers. Plastic bothers her.” Carole swayed back and forth with Beth buried against her chest, brushing her cheek over the top of Beth’s head. “What are you feeding her? Some food bothers her too.”

  “Ugh,” Ted groaned. “She throws up everything. Formula. Cereal. Everything. And I have to wrestle it into her. I’ve had her to almost every pediatrician in San Diego. I just can’t believe she’s not crying!”

  Carole fought back her own groan. The man was poisoning their baby. “How long have you had her?”

  “Six weeks. I have to go back to Washington next week. I just hired a nanny for her and I made an appointment with a pediatric specialist in DC because she’s lost weight. Please tell me you’re going to be here for a while—because if you are—”

  “I am. I’m on leave for six months.”

  “That could work. I have to be in DC for six months. I’ll be frank with you, Carole, when I found her in that dump with that woman, I got a lawyer. She hasn’t even had a single shot or immunization has she? I’d been thinking of suing you for custody of her, if you came back.”

  Carole tensed, backing towards the door. She could be out of here in twelve seconds; she’d have to move carefully with Beth in her arms. Intuitive, Ted moved to block the doorway and put both his hands up in defeat. “I hadn’t seen you with her. I hadn’t realized how much she needs her mother. If you promise to live here—I’ll pay for everything—maybe we could work this out. Six months with you, six with me. I can be back here by the time you have to leave again. What do you think?”

  Carole studied him a moment, remembering the night she had chosen him. Of course she would share Beth with him; she wanted to share everything with him. Not split custody, they belonged together. The faint touch of Ted’s heart lingered just outside her own. Loyal. Patient. Loving. Distant. She looked him over. Ted was a big man, very tall and broad shouldered, ruggedly handsome with deep blue eyes and full lips that were made for kissing. Impulsively she kissed him, and despite her own good height she had to stand on tiptoe to press her lips against his. Between them, nestled in her arms, Beth sighed. This is the way it should be. Abruptly Ted pulled away, his hand moved towards his mouth before dropping awkwardly, as though he’d thought twice about wiping the kiss away. It would have hurt less if he’d slapped her. Carole hid her expression in Beth’s hair; it smelled sweet, a faint chemical scent.

  “Whatever you need, Ted, but I can’t live here, and neither can Beth. The chemicals in the carpet and walls bother both of us. That’s why I chose an old apartment. And she can’t have shots, they could kill her. You’ll have to trust me on that.”

  Ted ran a large finger over Beth’s hair, and then brushed fingers briefly over Carole’s, as though apologizing for his rejection. “I think, concerning Beth, I do trust you, but I don’t understand you. You’re going to need to explain some things, and, Carole, who are those guys with you?”

  “I don’t know. They gave me a
ride over here.” She could sense them in the kitchen, snooping through things. “I think they may have stolen your wallet off the kitchen counter,” she blurted the comment without thinking of a way to explain how she knew that, so she quickly asked, “Why is Anne in jail?”

  “Obstruction of justice, she wouldn’t give me Beth.”

  Carole rotated Beth to gaze into the sweet face.

  “Anne was just trying to protect this baby. She knows Beth can’t wear disposable diapers or eat formula. Anne knows how to take care of Beth, she wouldn’t cry all the time with Anne. You have to get her out of jail. Today. She didn’t do anything wrong, and what happened to Junny?” At Ted’s look she explained, “He lived in the stairwell of my apartment. He followed Beth here. It’s how I knew where she was.”

  Ted considered that, then walked to the bedroom window and pulled up the mini-blind. “That wouldn’t happen to be him, would it?” he pointed.

  Gazing across the street, Carole spotted Junny perched on the church steps across the way. She smiled. “Sure is. I knew he wouldn’t leave her.”

  “You keep some odd company, Carole. I thought Washington put a tail on me.”

  “I choose wisely when it comes to my daughter.”

  “Did you—do what you did at base camp just to have a baby with me?”

  “You honestly think that?”

  Ted shook his head, admitting, “No. I just don’t understand why you came to me like you did. You didn’t even know me.”

  After his betrayal, it took effort to say it out loud, but it needed to be said. Ted apparently did not believe what his heart told him. “I love you.”

  Backing away as though she’d spit on him, he bumped into the doorframe before hurrying through the door, and down the hallway. She heard him talking to the Hells Angels, offering to buy drinks at a nearby bar. They all left together. Carole found the big cotton blanket that Anne had been haggling for the day she left. She spread it on the floor, and lay down with Beth tucked against her chest. The baby heart moved against hers like music, vibrating with a contented purr. At last she was heart to heart with her daughter as she’d dreamed of being for the past six months. “But I never dreamed Daddy would be here,” she whispered, her heart swimming with Beth’s again at last. Smiling, she closed her eyes, and drifted into a contented sleep.

  VOICES FROM THE front room woke Carole. The television was on, and for a brief moment she thought that’s what she’d heard. Then Ted’s deep voice said, “I’m sorry, Kimberly. I don’t know what else you expect me to say.”

  “I don’t know what you expect me to say! I’m supposed to be attending Georgetown by the end of next week! I turned my life upside down for you and that baby—got into graduate school—”

  “You’re still going to DC—”

  “But I don’t have a job now, do I?”

  “Kimberly, Beth is staying here with her mother.”

  “Beth’s mother is an irresponsible teenage girl! She needs a nanny herself! You expect me to believe you’re going to leave that baby with—”

  Ted’s voice rose in anger, interrupting. “Now you’re crossing a line. I’m doing what is best for Beth, and her mother is none of your business. Look, the only thing that’s changed is that Beth is staying with her mother.”

  “You know what, Ted? The only person who ever believes your lies is you.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You haven’t left that baby in six weeks. You’re not going across the country without her. What’s changed is you don’t need me. I think I can figure out who my replacement is.”

  “Kimberly, we can talk about this in Washington. Use your ticket, and I’ll see you there.”

  “I will use my ticket, but I won’t be seeing you.” The front door slammed and Carole heard Ted wretch it open.

  “Kim! Come back, Kim!” Ted called after the woman then shut the door. Seconds later Carole sensed him in the kitchen making coffee.

  Just inches from her face, Beth grinned at her. Wetting through her pink gown, it ran partially down a skinny baby leg and pooled momentarily on Anne’s nice blanket before soaking right through to the carpet. Carole grinned back. She leaned forward, nose to nose with her baby and whispered, “I think we’re going to Washington with Daddy, are you okay with that?” Beth’s grin got wider as though she understood and approved. She had two little teeth in the bottom of her gums, and two matching on top. It was the most gorgeous thing Carole had ever seen, and then Beth did something worse than wet in her gown. Her face turned pink for a moment, but the grin got wider.

  A TRIP TO the store to get some real diapers moved to the top of Carole’s priorities. Even a baby as sweet as Beth got nasty without a diaper. Carrying her still grinning, stinky baby into the bathroom, Carole filled the tub with plain water, and wiped her off with wads of toilet paper while looking for soap to wash her with. It didn’t need to be anything fancy, just something plain that wouldn’t irritate Beth’s sensitive skin or nose. There was baby shampoo, lotions and oils, but Carole ignored them. The medicine cabinet held only huge boxes of extra-large condoms. For a brief moment that discovery produced no reaction. Then she spotted several used ones in the trash can. They looked like stray fingers from rubber gloves, knotted neatly at the end, and Carole’s heart sank. Disgust welled up. Her mind flashed back to the island after Ted had left, to the Captain standing on the beach talking to her. He’s famous for being a love ‘em and leave ‘em kind of guy. She could think of many words, but love wasn’t one of them.

  Carole tried to push Ted’s extracurricular activities out of her mind, and sat Beth in the tub, kneeling beside her. Beth slapped the water and gurgled with laughter when it splashed her face. Besides, it happened before I told him I love him, she reassured herself.

  “Unfaithful. Adulterer. Forbidden.”

  She argued in defense of what the voices had to say. He was just running. He’s afraid of me, but at least he can’t pretend away my feelings now, and I know he feels the same way I do.

  But Ted’s heart and actions told her two very different things.

  Carole had settled on warm water and a cotton washcloth to clean her daughter, and she rubbed. Beth turned uncooperative, squealing and struggling to escape and Carole focused on the task at hand. Within moments Carole was smiling as Beth held onto her fingers and took tiny steps through the tub, on the tips of her toes. Those toes were still just as sweet, and they had perfect little toenails now. After examining Beth and delighting in the changes that had her sitting up sturdily on her own, hanging onto the side of the tub by herself, and gabbing happy sounds, Carole let the water drain. Wrapping Beth in a cotton towel, she dried her off and headed for the living room.

  Ted sat on the sofa with a plate of eggs and toast. Last night’s beer bottles sat on the coffee table, next to another box of condoms and his wallet. She glanced at his knuckles, noting they weren’t bruised and wondered how he’d gotten it back from the bikers.

  Ted stood up. “I didn’t know you were up. I can’t believe she’s not howling! She’s never slept so long. I kept checking on you two, but she looked so happy!” His index finger touched Beth’s button nose. “She looks so much like you. That heart shaped face, and her mouth, look at those lips. Isn’t it strange to see yourself in another person? She’s like a little clone of you, nothing like me at all.” He sounded disappointed.

  Carole grabbed Ted’s hand and put it against Beth’s chest, right over the happily galloping heart. “She’s exactly like you inside. It’s what makes her so sweet.”

  Snatching his hand away, he stumbled on his words. “Yes, well, is that like being pretty on the inside?” Forcing out a chuckle, he gathered Beth into his arms. “I made you breakfast. You might need to pop it in the microwave to reheat it.”

  Glancing down at Ted’s eggs, Carole knew they were the supermarket kind the voices forbade. Brushing her messy hair off her face, she decided to be as frank about food as she could be without telling Ted she someti
mes listened to the voices in her head. “I’m a vegetarian and I have the same kind of food sensitivities Beth has. I suppose she got that from me too. I’ll run down to the store and get some groceries. I’ll take her with me—”

  “No!” Ted moved slightly to one side as though blocking her. Looking at Carole’s expression he apologized. “Kimberly, the nanny, said it’s better to keep babies away from crowds the first year.”

  “That’s ridiculous.”

  “She’s an expert in childcare. She helped write a book about it.”

  It didn’t matter if she’d written an encyclopedia, Carole knew it was ridiculous. She was about to say so when she noticed a big blanket on the floor next to the play pen. A glance took in two foil condom wrappers laying on the edge of the blanket, torn open and empty. Carole’s stomach dropped out. They had not been there yesterday. Ted had been with someone. Pain shot through her heart like an icy knife. This morning while she slept in the other room with Beth, he’d been with someone! The nanny?

  Beth squirmed in her father’s arms, her face going red as she stopped breathing along with her mother, and then she screamed an agonizing shriek of pain. Ted frantically examined her as though expecting to find a visible injury. Carole knew her daughter felt the pain in her own heart, and wasn’t afraid to voice it. Ted lifted Beth to kiss her scrunched up face and cooed useless words of comfort to the wrong person. Control it, control it, Carole thought, trying to force the pain away. Beth should not have to feel this. The conversation with the mysterious Kimberly suddenly took on more depth.

  The voices condemned. “Fornication. Dishonor. Dirty.” Carole shivered faintly at the thought of those filthy words, and Ted with Kimberly, last night? This morning? Beth cried harder. Woodenly Carole went into the nursery and got her shoes and wallet. Beth was still screaming when Carole returned.