Legally Correct Fairy Tales

by David Fisher

  As to the instigation of the action taken against Ms. Crone, threats made or imagined may be real if they are perceived to be threats. Threats do not need to be spoken or even suggested by actions or manner to be perceived as threats. As the noted Dr. Schlocker wrote in his well-received thesis, The Eternal Triangle: Me, Myself, and I, “We are precisely what we believe we are (with the exception of height). If we believe we are inferior, we take inferior actions. If we believe we are unattractive, we take unattractive actions. It is when we believe we are what we want to be, that we are.” In this case that is precisely what is at issue: Did Hansel and Gretel believe that they were prisoners and that their collective lives were endangered by an adult capable of exercising power against them?

  The psyche is an unusual and oft dangerous part of the mind. It is believed by many scholars to be the seat of psychosis. Consistent throughout all my interviews with Hansel and Gretel was their belief that they were in danger. There can be no argument with the fact that they had come from a broken home: their father had taken them into the woods and abandoned them, their natural mother had disappeared, and their stepmother did not want them. These elements often create a disturbance in a youthful mind. And such is arguably the case here. Were Hansel and Gretel psychotic? Did they imagine an old lady was a witch? Is it possible a form of mass hysteria led them to believe that she was going to cook and eat Hansel? Were their actions irrational but based on rational thought?

  The answers to these questions must be a very firm yes and no. The field of psychiatry is not paved with artificial turf. There are few true bounces on this field, and the path of an object is not predictable: anything can happen. But if it is crazy to kill another human being, every person who kills must be crazy and therefore cannot be convicted of murder because they are protected by law. Hansel and Gretel readily confessed to killing Ms. Crone, who may or may not have been a witch. They admit this act. Since killing an individual is a crime that may be penalized by imprisonment or death, anyone who confesses to a murder must be considered crazy, since it would be crazy to confess to an act that would lead directly to a deprivation of life or liberty.

  Knowing this, we must acknowledge that since Hansel and Gretel confessed to this act, they cannot be convicted. If, however, they claimed they did not commit this act, they would be perfectly sane and could be considered guilty of the crime.

  That is my finding in this case.

  PETITION FOR GUARDIANSHIP

  AND OTHER LEGAL RELIEF

  IN THE MATTER OF

  BEAUTY, SLEEPING

  The petitioner, Mr. King, hereby requests (1) that an order be issued by this Court prohibiting any or all extraordinary or heroic measures being taken now or at any time in the future to resuscitate, awaken, or in any way revive or sustain by artificial means their relation by blood, Sleeping Beauty; and that no experimental treatment be administered and no persons unknown to this Court through its trustees be permitted access to said Beauty.

  (2) that the petitioner, Mr. King, and his spouse be named now and forever after legal guardians of the subject, trustees of all assets, and, in the event of her death, executors of her estate.

  THE FACTS: The aforementioned Beauty has been surviving for seventy-one years in a trance-like state consistent in every way with the medical condition coma. This state was induced by an unknown drug injected into her system with a needle. The unknown chemical substance, injected either knowingly or unwittingly on or about the subject’s sixteenth birthday, did cause grievous damage to her central nervous system and brain stem. This hallucinogenic substance did also cause similar harm to others engaged in the service of Beauty and believed to have had marginal physical contact with the subject. The immediate result of such drug introduction was a total and complete loss of consciousness, the inability to communicate in any form whatsoever with any persons, and the complete and total cessation of all bodily functions save breathing.

  There is no proven antidote to this drug. The source, or sorcerer, of this drug is unknown to the petitioner.

  Beauty, Sleeping, remains in such a trancelike state as described to this date. She has not responded to any attempt to revive her with traditional, proven, safe, and accepted means of resuscitation.

  The petitioner claims knowledge that a person or persons not specifically known to said petitioner have made or will make heroic attempts to revive Beauty, Sleeping, using a highly experimental treatment medically referred to as “artificial respiration” (def.: breathing through unnatural means), commonly known as “mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.” There is no evidence of any kind to support the use of said treatment in this case. Additionally, as the drug known to have caused the subject’s condition has officially been labeled a “dangerous drug,” whose properties have not sufficiently been tested, and which drug is proved to have caused the onset of similar symptoms to persons having only casual contact with Beauty, there exists a clear and present danger to the general populace that any type of physical contact with the subject may result in uncontrolled spread of such symptoms.

  Petitioner thereby, to protect the general well-being, requests a court order be issued immediately prohibiting such experimental treatment by any and all persons whosoever now or at any time in the forever after.

  The petitioner also requests the Court decree that should the physical state of the subject change in any way, shape, or form, no measures except those currently accepted by the medical community as immediate aid to lessen pain and suffering be employed in her behalf. It is the wish of the petitioners that no artificial or mechanical means of any kind known now or at any time in the future be used in this case to extend the condition in which Beauty currently resides.

  At the commencement of this drug-induced trance, Beauty, Sleeping, was in possession of a substantial amount of material goods, including but not limited to items of pure gold, jewelry, acreage, and a castle (one). Such holdings were put into a trust to be administered by her blood relatives at the commencement of this current state. Those people charged with supervising said trust have perished through primarily (but not limited to) natural causes, such as age and war. In the absence of supervision, the value of such holdings has substantially increased, but without proper legal authority to oversee such holdings, there exists significant risk of loss or depreciation of the value of such holdings. The petitioner hereby declares to the Court that any and all members of the immediate family of the subject, Beauty (including but not limited to father, mother, siblings of any gender, cousins by blood first through sixth, aunts, and uncles), have perished and the petitioner is the sole surviving blood relation. The petitioner voluntarily relinquishes all rights to privacy for matters relating to this claim and will make available to this Court samples necessary for the scientific establishment of this blood link through any and all known means.

  As the sole surviving blood relation of Beauty, Sleeping, the petitioner requests that the Court appoint him legal guardian of Beauty, Sleeping, with full power of attorney and such access to herein described trust to enable full and proper management of these assets to the benefit of Beauty, Sleeping, her heirs, and her estate in total.

  In the event of the untimely death of Beauty, Sleeping, the petitioner humbly requests that the Court appoint the petitioner sole executor of the estate of the subject, with full powers to take such actions as necessary to benefit the estate of Beauty, Sleeping, now or at any time forever and ever.

  RE SNOW WHITE, INC.

  Notice to Cure under Penalty of Law

  This is an official complaint issued by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) of this kingdom to inform and notify Snow White, Inc., that you are in violation of kingdom laws prohibiting discrimination, that you have failed to comply with prevailing equal employment statutes, that you must cease and desist such policies that have resulted in the issuance of this citation and take immediately steps to cure any and all listed violations.

  WHEREAS and wherefore the govern
ment of the people of this kingdom have decreed, under Article XV, Section 3.4, subparagraph 8a, of the Uniform Code of Kingdom Labor Practices, that no one shall be deprived of the right of employment based on gender, age, color, race, religion, education, physical capability, intelligence, magical abilities, or any other unique or distinguishing characteristic, it is hereby alleged that Snow White, Inc., doing business as Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, a mining, maintenance, and food preparation concern, did knowingly violate the above-identified Kingdom Labor Laws by employing individuals known collectively as “The Seven Dwarfs” and individually as Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful, Happy, Sleepy, and Dopey, to the exclusion of all other applicants able to perform such tasks as appropriate under the Uniform Employment Contract.

  As defined in the Uniform Code of Kingdom Labor Practices, as issued by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, maintenance and food preparation are non-licensed industries, subject to periodic inspection by Kingdom Health Boards, and as such require minimum training (see Kingdom v. Hooters). Employees are required to advertise such employment opportunities in a minimum of three different locales or publications.

  It is alleged that Snow White, Inc., did fail to advertise such positions as were available. It is further alleged that Snow White, Inc., hired for these positions seven individuals, all of them male, all of them Caucasian, all of them under four feet (48 inches) in height. Such an employment pattern has been determined by kingdom courts to be “discrimination prima facie,” discrimination in your face, and is in violation of prior court rulings and must be cured within the proscribed period of time.

  Snow White, Inc., must submit to this agency within forty-five (45) business days a plan to cure this violation by hiring nonmale, non-Caucasian, nonshort people. This plan must include provisions for employing a minimum of one-third of the hiring of the workforce in a nondiscriminatory fashion. This may be done by increasing the size of the workforce or replacing current workers with people eligible for employment under this act. If an acceptable plan is not submitted to this agency within forty-five (45) business days of issuance of this notice, this agency may take steps, including imposition of penalties, to prevent Snow White, Inc., from continuing to operate in a discriminatory manner. Such penalties may include fines and the loss of all licenses under which they are currently operating; it may also include the right to cause a cessation of operations as long as the company remains in violation of EEOC regulations.

  USA V. WOLF

  Deposition of Mr. Wolf For the Court: Richard Langsam, United States Attorney’s Office, Southern District

  These being the true words of: Thaddeus Wolf, who voluntarily appeared before this hearing on the 15th day of October, of the year noted below:

  COURT: For the record, the government of the United States of America has brought charges of corruption, fraud, and illegal control of specific building trades unions to be enumerated, against both named and unnamed individuals known collectively as “the Wolf Family,” under the federal statute known as the Racketeering Influenced Corrupt Organization (RICO) Act. Under this statute it is a criminal act to participate in or have knowledge of two or more crimes and/or act as a member of a group constituted to perform illegal acts. Mr. Wolf is believed to be an active member of the Wolf Family.

  COURT: Thank you for coming today, Mr. Wolf.

  MR. WOLF: Yeah, sure. I mean, what else was I gonna do, lie around the woods all day? I’d rather lie around here. (LAUGHTER) That’s a joke, see.

  COURT: I see. Now, Mr. Wolf, is it not true you are known among your associates by the nickname “Big Bad”?

  MR. WOLF: They call me a lot of things, but I never heard that one. Hey, you know, people call you a lot of things behind your tail. Maybe you’re referring to the fact that my wife calls me “Big Dad.”

  COURT: Mr. Wolf, are you a member of an organized crime family known collectively as “the Wolf Family”?

  MR. WOLF: That’s your joke, right?

  COURT: I assure you, Mr. Wolf, the Court does not mean to be amusing.

  MR. WOLF: Oh, okay. Sorry. But let me tell you, my family, the Wolfs, the last thing I would call them is organized. I mean, on a Saturday morning when I’m ready to go hunting, it takes everybody else hours to get ready. These people wouldn’t be able to find their lair without a road map. Organized? Nah, that’s just something you read in the papers.

  COURT: Mr. Wolf, are you familiar with an individual known as Little Red Riding Hood?

  MR. WOLF: Red Riding Hook? Nah, I don’t think so.

  COURT: That’s Hood, Mr. Wolf, Red Riding Hood.

  MR. WOLF: Red Riding Hood? Red Riding Hood? No, I don’t think I know of the gentleman. Is he any relation to Robin Hood?

  COURT: How about Peter? I suppose you’ve never heard of him?

  MR. WOLF: Peter, huh? I don’t know nothin’ about any Peter having to do with a Wolf.

  COURT: To your knowledge, have you or any member of the Wolf Family ever dressed in sheep’s clothing?

  MR. WOLF: Oh, now come on, I object to that. I come here on my own, trying to help out you guys, and you’re gonna sit there and call me names? What is that? What do you think I am? You think I’m gonna just sit here and let people think I would go around dressed as some kind of friggin’ sheep?

  COURT: Please answer the question, Mr. Wolf. Did you or any member of the Wolf Family dress in sheep’s clothing?

  MR. WOLF: No. Okay? Happy now?

  COURT: Mr. Wolf, do you know the Little-Pigg brothers?

  MR. WOLF: Let me think. The British guys, right? There’s three of them. They’re building contractors, I think. Yeah, maybe I met ’em once or twice.

  COURT: Would you describe your relationship with them?

  MR. WOLF: We didn’t have no real relationship. I met ’em maybe a few times at most.

  COURT: Are you now or have you ever been an officer of the Construction and Building Materials Union Local 145?

  MR. WOLF: Yeah, sure. I got my card probably about twelve years ago.

  COURT: And precisely what is your position in that union?

  MR. WOLF: Vice president. I sell building materials. You know, all kinds.

  COURT: Have you ever sold building materials to the Little-Pigg Construction Company?

  MR. WOLF: I sell to a lot of people. If they build, I probably sold them materials.

  COURT: Mr. Wolf, did you ever threaten the Little-Piggs with violence if they did not purchase materials from you?

  MR. WOLF: Me? Threaten somebody? Listen to this guy. Where do you get your jokes, the Grimm Brothers? (LAUGHTER)

  COURT: In fact, did you not warn them that unless they purchased all their construction materials from you at highly inflated prices, you would blow up their houses?

  MR. WOLF: That’s ridiculous. The only things I ever blow up are those plastic rafts for my kids to float on in the pool.

  COURT: Oh, I’m sorry, I’ve misread this document. Let me quote Mr. Little-Pigg’s previous testimony before this Court: “He told me that if I didn’t buy steel from him, he and his boys were going to blow DOWN my house.” Now, Mr. Wolf, do you recall that conversation?

  MR. WOLF: What do you expect from a guy like that? The guy’s a Little-Pigg.

  COURT: Mr. Wolf, please. Just answer the question.

  MR. WOLF: You sure you’re not confusing the Wolfs with the Fox Family? I could tell you stories about the Foxes that’d

  COURT: Mr. Wolf, just answer the question.

  MR. WOLF: Nah, it’s all made up. It’s just a fantasy.

  COURT: And, in fact, when the Little-Pigg brothers did build a residence primarily out of hay purchased from a nonunion supplier, did you and your hired henchpeople not appear outside that house and threaten to destroy it?

  MR. WOLF: This is like a fairy tale. I never heard such lies since that little kid cried he’d seen me outside his house.

  COURT: I would like to enter as People’s Exhibit One the following recording. It is
an audiotape. On it can be heard the voices of the Little-Piggs calling 911 and requesting immediate assistance. (RECORDER SET UP)

  OPERATOR’S VOICE: Nine one one.

  LITTLE-PIGG: Help! Help! You gotta come quick. There’s a wolf outside and he’s trying to blow down my house. He’s really in a huff!

  You’ve heard that, Mr. Wolf. Does that refresh your memory?

  MR. WOLF: You kidding? He can’t even act scared. That ham.

  COURT: Mr. Wolf, the record shows that, in fact, that home was subsequently destroyed in a high wind.

  MR. WOLF: What does that have to do with me? I told him if he used inferior materials, that house would never stand up. If he bought from me, I’ll bet you that house would be standing today.

  COURT: When the first Little-Pigg brother managed to escape into the home of the second Little-Pigg, a house constructed primarily of wood beams and siding purchased from a nonunion source, did not you and/or your henchpeople once again appear outside that house and threaten to blow it down? Specifically, and I quote, “To huff and puff and to blow your house down”?

  MR. WOLF: Have those Little-Piggs been smoking something?

  COURT: Are you refusing to answer the question?