A Mother's Secret

by Amy Clipston

  “Mamm!” Carolyn faced her and frowned. “Keep your voice down. They’re right outside that window.”

  “I doubt they can hear me.” Mamm shrugged. “I’m just telling you how I feel.”

  “He’s seeing Lena.” Carolyn stopped wiping the table and looked over her shoulder at her mother. She couldn’t help her curiosity. She had to find out what her mother was thinking. “Why do you think he likes me?”

  Mamm walked over to her and lowered her voice. “It’s obvious by the way he looks at you.”

  Carolyn’s eyes widened. “What do you mean?”

  “He looks at you like he cares about you.” Her mother touched her arm. “Just trust me. I know that look when I see it.”

  Carolyn studied her mother as a sliver of hope swelled inside her. “That can’t be possible. His mother told me he’s seeing Lena, and Lena was at his house today.”

  “He hasn’t married her yet, has he?”

  “No, but—”

  “Carolyn, trust me,” her mother began, interrupting her, “I know what I’m talking about. Besides, from what you’ve told me, I have the distinct impression Barbie is a constant meddler in her son’s life.”

  “Maybe.” Carolyn let the idea swirl in her head while she finished cleaning up the table and then swept the floor. She was putting the broom away when her father and Joshua came in from outside.

  “It’s official,” Dat said with a smile. “Amos, Josh, and I just finished discussing it. Benjamin is going to work full-time at the farm and earn a fair wage beginning this summer.”

  “That’s wunderbaar!” Mamm said.

  “Ya, it is.” Carolyn studied Joshua. She took in his handsome face and wondered if he was truly dating Lena.

  Her father shook Joshua’s hand. “Danki for giving Ben the opportunity.”

  “I’m glad he wants to continue working for me. I need the help.” He looked at Carolyn’s mother and then Carolyn. “Danki for supper. I better head home now.” His eyes lingered on Carolyn, and she held her breath. “Gut nacht,” he finally said.

  He started out the door, and Carolyn released the breath she’d been holding.

  “Go.” Her mother bumped her with her elbow.

  “What?” Carolyn asked.

  “He wanted you to follow him. Couldn’t you see it in his expression?” Her mother’s voice was full of exasperation.

  “What’s going on?” Dat asked.

  Her mother waved off her father’s question. “I’ll tell you later. Go, Carolyn. Catch up with him before he leaves. Dummle!”

  Carolyn rushed out the door and caught up to Joshua as he stood by his buggy. Her heart thumped in her chest as she approached him. “Josh! Wait.”

  “I was hoping you’d come out to say good-bye to me.” He smiled, and her pulse accelerated once again.

  How did Mamm know that? Carolyn pushed the thought away and thought about the scene at his house earlier. She had to discuss it with him, or it would eat her alive. She swallowed a deep breath. “I’m sorry for showing up at your haus today uninvited. Rosemary asked me to come with her. I realize now I should’ve just stayed home.”

  “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that alone. Coming over here to talk to Amos was just an excuse to see you.” He leaned back against the buggy, and it shifted under his weight. “I felt bad when you left in a hurry. Why did you run off so quickly?”

  The direct question surprised Carolyn and stumped her for a moment. “I thought I was interrupting something.”

  He tilted his head. “Why would you think that?”

  “Your mamm and Lena were there, and I felt out of place.”

  “You weren’t out of place.” He shook his head. “You had as much right to be there as they did.”

  “Danki.” She contemplated her mother’s words and wondered if he cared for her. She longed to be as certain as her mother was about his feelings for her.

  “I noticed Rosemary and Danny were talking by the fence.” He crossed his arms over his wide chest.

  “Ya. They seem to be becoming friends. Rosemary convinced Danny to go to one of her youth gatherings Sunday night, and it sounds like they had a nice time.” Carolyn smiled. “She’s hoping he’ll keep coming to them so she can see him more often.”

  “Ya. Young love is easy, isn’t it? Things weren’t so complicated when we were teenagers.”

  “Sometimes it’s easy. Sometimes it gets complicated.” She stopped speaking before she shared the secret from her youth. She longed to tell him the truth, but the fear of losing his friendship held back the words.

  “That’s true,” he continued, apparently not noticing her apprehension. “But then life gets even more complicated the older we grow, and as a result, love gets more complicated.”

  “Ya.” Carolyn had to know the truth, but she wasn’t sure how to ask about Lena. She decided to take an indirect approach. “Lena is nice.”

  “Ya, she is.” He rubbed his chin and paused as if choosing his words. “Mei mamm thinks Lena is the right person for me. I love mei mamm, but sometimes I get tired of her trying to run my life.”

  “Your mamm is pushing you to date Lena?” Carolyn felt the worry lift from her heart when she said the words out loud. Mamm was right again!

  “Ya.” His expression softened. “But it’s not as bad as it sounds. Her heart is in the right place. I know she means well, and she’s made it her goal to marry me off and have more grandkinner. I know she misses my niece and nephew. In fact, I miss having my nephew by my side every day when I work at the farm, but I don’t think I can fill that hole in her heart. Those feelings are too deep to just disappear.”

  “That makes sense.” Carolyn nodded slowly while marveling how Joshua was baring his soul in front of her as if they were old friends.

  “I just feel I will find the right woman in my own time. You can’t rush God’s plan.”

  “No, you can’t. Mei mamm reminds me about that all the time.” She fingered her apron while thinking about her brother. “I know how you feel.”

  “You do?” He looked surprised. “How?”

  “Amos has been pressuring me to marry Saul.”

  “Who’s Saul?”

  “Saul Beiler. You had lunch with him at the barn raising.”

  “Oh, I remember Saul. He didn’t say much that day. He seems to be very reserved.” Joshua continued to look surprised. “Isn’t he a widower?”

  “He is. Amos thinks it’s time for me to get married and move out of the daadi haus.” She pointed toward the house behind her. “Saul is nice, and I really like his dochder. But I think the decision about who I marry needs to be mine.”

  “Absolutely.” Joshua looked concerned. “Have you ever tried to talk to Amos about this and tell him how you feel?”

  She nodded. “I have, but he’s set in his ways. He believes it’s time for me to be married, and he doesn’t understand that I want to marry for love. Saul seems awfully serious, though. I don’t think we’re a gut match.”

  “Well, don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable.” He bent his leg and rested his hand on his knee. “Life is too short to be unhappy.”

  “That’s true.” She studied his eyes and longed to know what he was thinking. Did he enjoy talking to her as much as she enjoyed talking to him?

  “Our lives are similar, aren’t they?” He smiled. “We seem to have the same experiences.”

  Carolyn laughed. “Ya, we do.”

  Except I have a child.

  His smile faded slightly just as hers did. “How do you like working in the hotel?”

  “I enjoy working there.” She leaned on the fence behind her. “I love talking to new people. Sometimes it’s nice to get away from the community and just experience the world without being a part of the world.”

  His expression hardened slightly, and she wondered what he was thinking.

  “I like being out in the world, but I’m not planning on leaving the Amish community,” Carolyn continued
. “I was baptized when I was seventeen because I knew that I belonged here. I have no interest in being English.”

  “That’s gut.” He then stood up and jammed a thumb toward the buggy. “I’d better get home. The horses are waiting to be fed again. Danki again for supper. I had a nice time.”

  “Gern gschehne.” She waved as he climbed into the buggy.

  “I’ll see you soon.” He guided the horse toward the road.

  Carolyn waved again before he disappeared onto the main road. She walked slowly toward the porch while thinking about their conversation. She was surprised how many personal things he had shared with her. Her heart soared with happiness when she found he wasn’t dating Lena. Maybe she had a chance with him! She was certain she was falling in love with him, and she couldn’t wait to see him again.

  She spotted Benjamin coming out of the barn after feeding the horses, donkey, and chickens, and her smile faded again. She’d had the perfect opportunity to tell Joshua the truth about Benjamin, but she’d been a coward.

  She knew the truth was the one issue that could cause Joshua to back away, and the longer she waited to tell him, the more damage the truth would cause, especially after Joshua had shared personal feelings with her.

  Carolyn smiled as Benjamin approached. “Are you ready to head inside?”

  “Ya.” He moved toward the porch steps, and Carolyn touched his shoulder.

  As they headed toward the house, her thoughts turned back to Joshua. She had to find a way to tell him about her son. Tonight she could pray about it and ask God to give her the right words that would convey the truth without causing her to lose her special friendship with Joshua.

  Joshua smiled as he guided the horse toward his farm. He’d had a wonderful evening. He’d enjoyed a delicious and satisfying supper, and he’d relished the tasty pies for dessert. He’d also confirmed Benjamin’s employment at his farm.

  The highlight of the evening, however, was his long discussion with Carolyn. He’d been mesmerized with her during supper, and he had a difficult time keeping his eyes off her. He’d hoped that she would follow him outside to say good night in person.

  Once she did come outside, their conversation was easy and time flew by quickly. In fact, he was amazed how easy it was for him to open up to Carolyn and share feelings he’d never said aloud to anyone. When he was with her, he felt compelled to share all the thoughts and feelings he’d kept locked deep inside himself for years. He’d longed to talk to her all evening, but he had to get back home and take care of his horses.

  He stared out the windshield while contemplating Carolyn. She seemed to be everything he’d always wanted in a woman. She was intelligent, beautiful, and funny. His feelings for her were becoming stronger every time he saw her. He was certain he was falling in love with her. His emotions were much deeper than anything he’d ever felt for Hannah. This love was real and palpable, and he still had a feeling Carolyn shared similar emotions for him.

  As he guided the horse onto the road leading to his farm, he admitted there was one issue weighing on his mind. He was still concerned about her employment at the hotel. He couldn’t stop worrying that her experience with the English world might cause her to want to leave the community just as Hannah had. When he asked Carolyn about the job, he was hoping she would say that it was temporary and she planned to quit soon. His stomach plummeted when she told him that she liked experiencing the English world. He prayed she wouldn’t find herself on the same road that Hannah followed. The worry crept into his soul, and he prayed she was solid in her faith and wouldn’t even entertain the thought of leaving the church. He couldn’t stand the thought of losing her.

  The horse pulled the buggy up the driveway leading to his barn, and Joshua climbed out and began to unhitch it. He looked toward his lonely farmhouse and wondered what it would be like to bring Carolyn home as his wife. He smiled when he thought of starting a family with her and growing old with her. It was a far-fetched notion, but he hoped that Carolyn was in God’s plan for him.

  Maybe, just maybe, Joshua could finally find the happiness his lonely heart craved.

  SIXTEEN

  Joshua fed the animals and then walked back into his house and sat in an easy chair by the window. Since today was an off Sunday, there wasn’t a church service to attend. His thoughts had been stuck on Carolyn since he’d visited her Tuesday evening. He’d hoped she would come and visit him at the farm during the week, but she hadn’t. He considered going to visit her in the evenings, but he couldn’t find the courage to go over again without an invitation.

  Joshua looked toward the stack of ledgers sitting on the coffee table in front of him and considered losing himself in the numbers that ran his farm. He needed something to keep his mind busy and mute the constant thoughts of Carolyn, but he wasn’t permitted to do any work on Sunday. He couldn’t work on the books or do unnecessary farmwork without committing a sin.

  He stood and walked to the window while considering what to do to try to stay busy. His house seemed too big and quiet today. He longed to go visit Carolyn, but he didn’t know if she was at church or if it was an off Sunday for her district too.

  Instead of spending the day moping, he decided to go visit his parents. After hitching the horse to the buggy, he headed over to their house, where he found another buggy parked by the barn.

  Joshua started up the porch steps and was greeted by his mother, who pushed the door open wide.

  “Josh!” She sang his name. “I was hoping you’d come over today. We have visitors. Lena is here with her schweschder and parents.”

  Joshua frowned and stopped climbing the steps. I should’ve gone to see if Carolyn was home.

  “What are you waiting for?” Mamm beckoned him. “Come in, come in. Lena and her family would love to see you.”

  Joshua slowly climbed the stairs, his steps bogged down by his growing agitation with his mother’s meddling. When he reached the kitchen, he found Lena, her sister, and her parents sitting around the table drinking coffee. Lena met his gaze with a warm smile. He gave her a halfhearted wave.

  “Where’s Dat?” Joshua asked his mother while standing beside her near the back door.

  “He had to go out to the stable to check on Molly. She’s the mare we’re expecting to give birth soon.” She’d kept her voice low. Lena’s father was sharing a story with his family and Lillian.

  “I’m going to go see him.” Joshua started out the door and down the porch steps.

  “Josh!” His mother ran down the stairs and trailed him. “Where are you going?”

  “I told you.” He adjusted his hat on his head. “I’m going to see Dat.”

  “But what about Lena?” Mamm looked confused. “I invited her and her family over hoping that you would come.”

  “I’m glad you were finally honest about their visit. I knew you were trying to set this up for me.” Joshua’s smile was wry. “When are you going to realize that you can’t make me interested in someone I am not interested in? We Amish don’t believe in arranged marriages, but you’re acting as if this behavior is common and acceptable.”

  His mother stared at him and blinked, but no words escaped her mouth. For once in his life, Joshua had rendered his mother speechless. He made a mental note to write down this day in a book somewhere.

  “I’m going to see Dat.” Joshua turned and stalked toward the stable, where he found his father watching a mare pace in her stall. “Wie geht’s?”

  “Hi, Josh,” Dat said. “Your mamm was hoping you’d come over.”

  Joshua sighed with a frown. “Ya, I know.” He reached over a stall and rubbed a nearby horse’s neck. “How’s Molly doing?”

  “She’s frustrated.” Dat fingered his long, graying beard. “I think it may be soon.”

  “I have one that’s close too. I think Daisy may give birth this week.” Joshua continued to rub the horse’s neck. “When it’s Molly’s time, you can call me if you need help.”

  “Danki. I’m goi
ng to put her in a secluded stall today. The horses like their privacy when they get to this point.” Dat motioned toward the entrance to the barn. “I think I’ll enjoy the privacy and quiet with her. I was tired of sitting at the table and listening to Joe’s stories about his hardware store and his wife’s bakery. Am I bad because I don’t want to sit there and pretend I’m interested?” He chuckled.

  “No, you’re not bad. I feel the same way.” Joshua squatted and leaned against the stall door. “I was hoping to escape the quiet of mei haus today, but I wasn’t expecting to have to try to make conversation with Lena. Mamm’s been pushing me to date her, and I’m really not interested.”

  “We’ll hide out here together then.”

  “Sounds gut to me.” Joshua grinned at his father.

  They discussed horses, their farms, and his father’s woodworking projects for the next couple of hours. Joshua then helped his father lead the mare to a secluded stall at the very back of the stable before they started toward the house to see if lunch was ready.

  When Joshua stepped out of the stable, he spotted Lena coming toward them. Although he’d been relaxed while he spoke to his father, he felt his body stiffen and anxiety resurface as she approached him.

  “Hi, Josh,” she said. “I was coming to see where you were.”

  “I was helping mei dat with a mare that’s going to give birth soon.” He motioned toward the stable.

  “Oh.” Her eyes widened. “I bet you have a lot of experience with horses that give birth.”

  “Ya, I do. I run a horse farm.”

  “Did you have a gut week?” she asked.

  “I did. Did you have a gut week?”

  “Ya. I did a lot of baking. I brought some chocolate chip oatmeal kichlin.” She pointed toward the house. “You’ll have to try one. It’s a new recipe I created myself. I like to invent recipes.”

  “That’s interesting.” He nodded and wondered what else to say. They stood in awkward silence for what felt like a lifetime, and he began to wonder what Carolyn was doing. Was she thinking of him?

  “You should come to the singles gathering tonight,” she finally said. “We’re going to sing for a couple over in Bird-in-Hand who lost their son recently. He died in an accident. His buggy was hit by a truck that ran a red light.”