A Mother's Secret

by Amy Clipston

  “You’re right,” Joshua finally said.

  “If you reject mei mamm, then you’re throwing away a wunderbaar maedel. I pray someday she can find someone who will truly love her and accept me. I’m tired of watching her suffer. I have to stand up for her because she’s done the same for me for the past sixteen years. Now it’s time for me to tell the community she’s a wonderful Christian woman despite the way she’s been persecuted.” Benjamin threw his hands up with disgust. “I can’t work for you anymore. If I continue to come here and work, that means I’m accepting how you treated her. I can’t do that.”

  Benjamin started for the door. He looked back over his shoulder to where Joshua was staring at him wide eyed. “I quit.”

  Benjamin rushed down the porch steps and climbed into the buggy. During the ride home, he prayed to God, begging him to heal his mother’s broken heart.

  Joshua stared at the back door after Benjamin left. He was speechless. He’d never expected Benjamin to come and visit him. He sank into a kitchen chair while contemplating what the young man had said. He couldn’t stop wondering if this was the sign he’d asked God to send him. Was this the sign he needed to realize that Carolyn was the one for him?

  The question echoed through his mind as he headed to bed, and it haunted his dreams.

  Carolyn hugged her cloak to her body, grabbed a battery-powered lantern, and made her way out to the porch later that evening. Although she’d tried to shut down her thoughts to sleep, she couldn’t stop her swirling emotions. She’d pulled on her robe and slippers, grabbed her cloak by the door, and then padded out to the porch for some fresh air, hoping to clear her mind so sleep could overtake her.

  She settled onto the porch swing just as a buggy made its way up the driveway toward her house. She held her breath while wondering if it was Joshua or Saul. But she knew it was unlikely that Joshua would ever speak to her again, and she quickly trumped any hope that he would come to visit her.

  When the man climbed from the buggy, she knew it was Saul. He walked up the porch steps, and she forced a smile as he stepped into the warm glow of the lantern.

  “Saul,” she said. “Wie geht’s?”

  “How are you, Carolyn?” He pointed toward a rocking chair next to the swing. “May I have a seat?”

  “Please, join me.” She looked up at the bright stars in the clear sky and couldn’t help but think that they mocked her bleak mood.

  “It’s a schee evening, ya?” he asked.

  “It is.” The air was crisp, and she pulled her cloak closer. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

  “I’ve wanted to come visit you, but I’ve been overrun with cabinet orders. I can hardly keep up.” He folded his arms over his coat. “I’ve wanted to expand my business, but I just haven’t had the money. I’m hoping I can soon.”

  He talked on about his projects, and she nodded while trying her best to look interested. Instead, her thoughts were lost on her heartbreaking conversation with Joshua. She wondered if things would’ve ended differently if she had been honest about Benjamin from the beginning.

  “So that’s why I came over tonight.” Saul said her name, and she snapped back to reality. “Did you hear me, Carolyn?”

  “I’m sorry, Saul. What did you say?”

  His dark eyes pleaded with her. “Carolyn, I asked you if you would consider being my fraa. Will you marry me?”

  She swallowed a gasp. She’d never expected him to ask her the direct question. She stared at him, not knowing what to say. The question hung suspended between them, and an awkward silence covered them. For a few moments, she considered marrying him and accepting his offer for a practical, safe marriage. Yet the more she considered the idea, the more she rejected it. In the end, she knew she’d rather be alone than be stuck for the rest of her life in a loveless marriage.

  “I’m sorry,” he finally said as his expression clouded. “It’s too soon.”

  “Saul,” she began, “I’m so honored that you asked me. You’re a gut man, and Emma is a lovely kind. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you.”

  He frowned, and she held up her hand.

  “Wait. Let me finish. I know that someday you’ll find a maedel who will love you completely. Unfortunately, I’m not that maedel. I’m honored that you considered me, but I know I’m not right for you. Please forgive me for saying no.”

  He nodded as he stood. “Danki for visiting with me.”

  “Gut nacht, Saul,” she called as he walked toward his buggy. She watched him drive off and wondered if she would spend the rest of her life sitting on her parents’ porch, hoping to find a man to love. Someone who wasn’t Josh.

  Joshua jumped out of bed. He was certain Benjamin’s visit last night was the sign that he’d been waiting to receive from God. He had to go see Carolyn and apologize. He had to make things right before it was too late, before he lost her for good.

  He quickly fed the animals, rushed back inside to eat breakfast, and then hurried out to the barn and called Aiden Monroe, his parents’ usual driver.

  “Aiden, how soon can you give me a ride? I need to go somewhere as soon as possible.” Aiden was able to come right away, and Joshua was anxiously awaiting the ride when Daniel arrived. He had hoped he would get there before Aiden did so he wouldn’t have to leave a note.

  “Danny.” Joshua dashed out to meet the young man. “I need you to run things for me today. Can you handle it alone?”

  “Sure.” Daniel studied him. “What’s going on?”

  “Ben quit last night.”

  “Why did he quit? I thought he loved working here.”

  “He does love working here.” Joshua shook his head. “I can’t explain it all now, but I’m going to try to make things right. Hopefully Ben will be back here Monday.”

  “What’s going on?” Daniel asked. “You look upset.”

  “I am.” Joshua glanced toward the road as Aiden’s pickup truck steered into the driveway. “I have to go out for a few hours. I promise I’ll explain everything when I get back, okay?”

  “All right. I hope everything turns out okay.” Daniel looked suspicious. “See you later.”

  Joshua rushed toward the pickup truck and climbed in the front seat. “Thanks for helping me at the last minute.”

  “It was good to hear from you, Josh.” Aiden glanced over at Joshua. “Where can I take you first?”

  “I need to talk to my mother, and then I was hoping you could take me to Gordonville.”

  “No problem.” Aiden backed out of the driveway and then drove up the street to Josh’s parents’ farm. He parked in the driveway, and Joshua walked swiftly up to the house.

  He found his mother standing at the sink washing dishes.

  “Joshua?” She wiped her hands on a dish towel. “I wasn’t expecting to see you today. You normally have customers visiting on Saturdays. Would you like something to eat?”

  “No, danki.” He cleared his throat. “I need to talk to you.”

  “What’s wrong?” She took a step toward him. “You look upset.”

  “I’ve done a lot of thinking, and a fifteen-year-old talked some sense into me last night.”

  “Which fifteen-year-old are you talking about?”

  “Benjamin Lapp came to see me. He made me realize I’ve been wrong about a lot of things, mostly how I treated his mamm yesterday.”

  His mother frowned, and his temper flared.

  “Mamm, I’m in love with Carolyn Lapp, and nothing is going to change that. God led me to her so I could finally find happiness after spending so many years alone. I know you don’t approve of her, but this is my life, not yours.” He pointed toward his chest. “I’m going to marry her if she’ll forgive me. I was wrong to be upset with her for not telling me the truth about Ben from the beginning. Ben made me realize Carolyn has been persecuted for years over making one mistake. I was just as bad as the other judgmental people in this community who call themselves Christians.”

  Mamm shoo
k her head. “No, you weren’t bad. You were right, and she was wrong to keep that secret from you. She lied to you.”

  Joshua swallowed a deep breath and closed his eyes while trying to hold back his boiling fury. “Mamm, I need you to listen to me for once. You need to stop meddling in my life and let me make my own decisions. I know you miss Gideon, and I know you’re hurting because Hannah left the church. But you need to concentrate on living your own life, and let me live mine.”

  Mamm blanched as her eyes gleamed with tears.

  “Ich liebe dich, but if you can’t accept Carolyn, then you’re going to have to stay away from us. I can’t allow you to interfere in this relationship. It’s too important to me. I need you to respect my decisions and back off.” He couldn’t stand to see his mother cry, but he had to stay firm with her or she would never cease butting into his life.

  “I’m sorry.” Her voice was tiny and unsure, which he’d never heard before. “I’m sorry, Joshua. I will respect your decision. I promise to back away and let you live your life.”

  She hugged him, and he breathed a sigh of relief.

  “Danki.” Joshua started for the door. “Now I’m going to see if Carolyn will forgive me.” He rushed out the door and climbed into the truck. As the pickup bounced down the driveway, Joshua prayed that Carolyn would indeed forgive him.

  TWENTY-TWO

  Carolyn hung up the phone in the phone shanty and then walked back toward the house. She found her mother in the kitchen making a shopping list.

  Mamm looked up from her list. “Did you check the messages?”

  “Ya, there weren’t any.” She craned her neck and examined the list. “Can I help you with that?”

  “Sure. Why don’t you go over to the pantry and see if we have any flour.” Mamm gestured toward the other side of the kitchen. “I think we were low the last time I checked.”

  Carolyn opened the pantry door and peeked inside the flour canister. “Ya, we’re low. I’d say we have about half a cup left.”

  The back door opened, and Benjamin walked in.

  “What are you up to today?” Carolyn asked.

  “I’m helping Daadi with chores.” He crossed the kitchen and disappeared into the hallway.

  Mamm pointed toward the door. “Why don’t you go work in the garden? I can handle the shopping list, and I know being out in the sun makes you froh.”

  “Are you sure you don’t need help?”

  “Carolyn, I can handle it.”

  “Okay.” Carolyn started toward the back door. “Call me if you need me.”

  Mamm smiled. “I promise I will.”

  As Carolyn walked toward her garden, she wondered if Joshua missed her as much as she missed him. She had spent most of last night crying and asking God to bring Josh back to her.

  When she awoke this morning, however, she felt a strange sense of peace come over her. It was as if God had laid his healing hand on her and helped her realize that things would be okay somehow. She was thankful to have parents and a son who loved her.

  But despite all her blessings, she still missed the happiness she’d felt when Joshua smiled at her. He had left a gaping hole in her heart, and she hoped somehow time would heal it.

  Joshua turned to Aiden as he turned onto the road. “Now I need to go to the Lapp farm in Gordonville.”

  “Okay.” Aiden merged into traffic, wondering what was causing Josh so much anxiety. “Do you know the address?”

  “Ya.” Joshua rattled it off. “I just hope she’s home.”

  Aiden smiled over at his passenger. “She will be, Josh. Have faith.”

  Carolyn was crouching in her garden pulling weeds when she heard someone call her name. She stood and turned just as Joshua rushed toward her. Her heartbeat tripped and then raced double-time, and her shoulders tightened at the sight of him. She felt her defenses stiffen, like a cat arching its back to ready itself for a fight.

  “Carolyn!” He approached her, his expression full of anguish. “I’ve been so worried about you.”

  “You were worried about me?” She studied him with confusion while wiping her hands down her apron, trying to remove some of the dirt.

  “Ya.” He stood in front of her. “I had to see you.”

  “Why?” Suspicion nipped at her.

  He reached for her hands, and she took a step back, not wanting him to get too close and deepen her heartache.

  “Carolyn, Ich liebe dich.” His blue eyes sparkled with tears in the bright sunlight. “You’re the love of my life. I was so wrong to reject you, and I want to make it up to you. You had every right to keep your secret until you were ready to tell me. I’m sorry for being just as judgmental as everyone else who has hurt you all these years. I’ve been praying you could find it in your heart to forgive me and give me a second chance.”

  Her heart turned over. She studied his eyes, wondering if she was dreaming or if he was truly saying these beautiful words.

  “Please, Carolyn, please forgive me.” His eyes pleaded with her. “I can’t imagine living without you. These past couple of months have been the happiest of my life because God led me to you.”

  She wanted to believe him, but her heart reminded her to be cautious. “What made you change your mind?”

  “Your son.”

  “Benjamin?”

  Joshua nodded. “Ben came to see me last night, and he talked some sense into me. He made me realize how wrong I’ve been.”

  Carolyn gasped and cupped a hand to her mouth. “Ben went to see you?”

  “Ya,” he said with a nod. “He told me I acted like all the other so-called Christians who have judged you and persecuted you since he was born. He made me realize I was prideful and stubborn.”

  She wiped a tear from her eyes. “My son said that?” She was overwhelmed with love and admiration for Benjamin.

  “Ya, he did. He also quit. He said he couldn’t work for someone who treated his mamm so badly. He was right. I don’t blame him at all.”

  Carolyn wiped a tear from her cheek. “He quit?”

  He took her hand in his. “Carolyn, I love you. Please tell me you’ll give me a second chance. I can’t stand this heartache.”

  “Ya,” Carolyn said. “I forgive you.”

  Joshua leaned down and brushed his lips over hers, sending the pit of her stomach into a wild swirl. Her heart rate surged, pounding fast in her ears. Yes, this is true love, and it is amazing!

  “Marry me, Carolyn,” Joshua whispered close to her ear, his breath sending shivers dancing down her back. “Marry me. I want to live with you and Benjamin on the farm. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

  The words were like a sweet melody to Carolyn’s ears. For a moment she was sure she was dreaming, but when Joshua touched her cheek, she knew she was awake. Her dream had finally come true. She was going to marry for love!

  “I’ll marry you.” Carolyn looked up at him and grinned as her sense of humor nipped at her. “But Benjamin quit. I don’t know if he’ll want to live there if he refuses to work for you.”

  Joshua laughed and hugged her while lifting her off her feet. “This is why I fell in love with you, Carolyn Lapp. You have the craziest sense of humor I’ve ever known.”

  She giggled as he kissed her cheek. “I love you too, Joshua.” She took his hand. “Let’s go tell my parents.”

  “That’s a gut idea. And maybe I can apologize to Ben and ask him to come back to work for me. I need to make sure things are gut between my future stepson and me.”

  “Ya.” She laughed. “That’s a gut idea too.”

  Joshua held her hand as he led her back toward the house. They were climbing the steps when Amos appeared.

  “Carolyn,” he said. “I need to talk to you.”

  Carolyn glanced at Joshua, who looked concerned. “It’s okay,” she said as she released her hand from Joshua’s grip and went back down the steps to face her brother. “Joshua and I are getting married.”

  “I know,”
Amos said. “I heard you talking. I’m froh for you.” He looked up at Joshua standing at the top of the steps. “You’re a gut man, and I’m froh you chose my schweschder.”

  Amos’s gaze met Carolyn’s. “I owe you an apology. I’ve been very un-Christlike. I’ve treated you badly for years, and I’m sorry. We all need to follow Jesus’ example and forgive one another. You made a mistake, but I never let you forget it. None of us are perfect, and we all fall short of the glory of God. That doesn’t excuse me, but I hope you can forgive me.”

  “Of course I can.” Carolyn smiled. “I forgive you, Amos. Danki.”

  Amos cleared his throat. “I also found out you were right about my sons all along. Robert admitted to Dat and me that he threw the rock at Joshua’s horse at the auction. He said he and David lied to get Benjamin in trouble. Apparently they’ve been victimizing Benjamin for years. I’m sorry I never believed you or Benjamin.”

  “Danki, Amos.” Carolyn sniffed as a tear trickled down her cheek. “I can forgive you for that too.”

  “I’m going to have my buwe apologize to Ben, and I will apologize to him also.” Amos shook his head and frowned. “I’ve been wrong for a long time. I need to be careful how I treat others, especially my family. Danki for forgiving me and giving me a second chance.” He nodded and then walked back toward the barn.

  Carolyn climbed the steps, took Joshua’s hand in hers, and looked into his eyes and into her future. She silently thanked God for answering her prayer, leading her to her soul mate, and giving Benjamin the chance to have a father. She knew the power of her secret had finally been overcome, and that she was loved and cherished by the man who now stood by her side.

  Group Discussion Questions

  1. Carolyn feels stuck between agreeing to a marriage of convenience and risking her heart by pursuing true love. Which path did you think was the right one for her? Which is the best for her son? Take a walk in her shoes. Which path would you have chosen if you were Carolyn? Share this with the group.