What You Left Behind

by Len Webster

  “I’m so sorry. I go to tell you that I… and I say leek. Who says they leek someone?” she asked, shaking her head.

  Julian took a small step forward and cupped her face. “We say leek. You and me.” He tilted her head up and then pressed his lips against hers, whispering, “Remove an ‘E’ and a ‘K’ and replace it with an ‘O’ and a ‘V’ and that’s how I feel about you.”

  Breathing became impossible and her heart had stalled. Stevie’s lips parted and she mindlessly blinked at him.

  Julian brushed his thumb against her bottom lip and uttered, “I love you, Stephanie. I’ve been in love with you since Thailand. I had all but fallen in love with you when you first said your name. And I’m certain you love me but disguise it in the way you told me that you leeked me. So, instead, I’m going to say this: I leek you, Stephanie. With everything I have and will be. Everything I am has been yours and will always be yours—”

  The ding from the elevator stopped him and broke the trance he held over her. Stevie stepped back and avoided his eyes. It was so easy to tell Charles that she loved him. But with Julian, it was difficult. She had it. She was close to saying it. But she had choked and allowed her feet to retreat into the elevator.

  The guy tells you that he’s loved you from the start and you can’t even tell him you love him back?

  Oh God, you’re a selfish bitch!

  “Julian,” she whispered as she snapped her focus to the devastation in his eyes. “I can’t go for a walk with you today.”

  He gave her a restrained smile. “That’s okay, Stephanie. Some other time.”

  Stevie watched the doors start to move in front of her. Her heart broke at the defeat and fatigue in his eyes. The only relief from the pain she had inflicted on him was the vision of the steel doors completely blocking Julian from her sights.

  “I love you,” she mumbled like the coward she was.

  “Are you sure you’re all right, son?” his father asked.

  Julian kept his eyes on the pink peony tree that his mother had planted the year before she had died from breast cancer. He had been almost ten. What Julian missed the most was the way she had smiled and the way her hugs had shown him love. His mother was the kindest person he had ever known. Instead of crying, he grinned at the pink flowers as he turned his body to face his father.

  “I’m all right, old man,” Julian replied in a small voice.

  “Come here and sit with me.” His father patted the patio bench and then gestured him over with a wave of his hand.

  Julian pressed his lips firmly together as he made his way over to the bench and sat down. The air was different in the suburbs. It was crisper, cleaner, and it had the smell of his childhood and good memories. However, it was bittersweet to be home. If he hadn’t left, he wouldn’t have spent so much time away from his family. And he wouldn’t have been so unhappy. But now, Julian had never been more heartbroken. He had all but confessed his love for Stephanie, and she had thrown it in his face. When the elevator doors had closed, he screamed out his frustrations and almost threw his fist into the elevator panel. She didn’t love him. She hadn’t expressed whether she cared or not. All she said was that she couldn’t walk with him today.

  She leeks me, but she doesn’t love me.

  I want your love, Stephanie.

  “Julian, are you sure you’re doing okay? You have a frown larger than anything I’ve seen on your face,” his father remarked with a layer of concern in his voice.

  “’Course, I’m doing okay,” he lied. “’Nough about me. How are you holding up? Still thriving? You been going to Rob’s races?”

  The proud smile on his father’s face enticed Julian’s grin. His mother had been the one who introduced rowing to Rob. It was like his father saw a bit of their mother in Rob. And for Julian, he felt guilty for not loving rowing like his brother did.

  “He beat his personal best. I think he has a great chance of making it onto the Australian team and placing at Nationals. World’s is soon. I hope that your brother can really put a dent in a record or two. But overall, it’s looking good for him,” his father said.

  “Good for Rob. I’m proud of him,” Julian said honestly.

  His father gently set his hand on Julian’s shoulder. “He’s proud of you, too. He was happy when he heard you landed the Milan job. I know he doesn’t always show you, but he is proud of all your achievements.”

  Julian nodded and shifted his attention to his mother’s tree. It was so vibrant and beautiful that it reminded him of her. Her warm smile and her light blue eyes. She had left a hole in his world the second she had died.

  “Tell me about this girl,” his father said.

  “I told her I love her.” Julian watched a pink petal fall to the ground and then took a deep breath. “But she didn’t say it back. She let the door close and that was it.”

  He heard his father hum. “Do you think she loves you?”

  His father’s question caused him to sigh heavily. “I know she does. I feel it, Dad. I feel it in the way she looks at me, in the way she smiles at me, in the way she calls me an idiot, and in the way she kisses me. I’ve felt it from the moment she first said my name all those years ago. I feel it in every atom in me. I know she loves me. But she doesn’t want to love me. She hides behind so many secrets that it blindsides her. She’s so afraid of being vulnerable. She’s so scared of me being in love with her.”

  “Son. Love makes us vulnerable. It makes us our weakest to show us our strongest parts of ourselves. Love makes us wish we were better for someone else. Love makes us want things for someone else—even if that means hurting ourselves. Without the mess, love isn’t that glorious. A woman being that scared to be that vulnerable is worth waiting for, Julian. She’s a woman who loves wholeheartedly without realising that she’s already suffered for you.”

  Has Stephanie already suffered for me?

  Julian tilted his head at his father. “I’ve suffered for her. I know there’s better for her, but I still need her. I’m at my weakest in hopes to find my strength within her. I love her enough to deal with the mess in her head, the mess of her past, and the mess her demons drown her in. I’m in love with Stephanie Appleton. And I’m not afraid that she’s going to fuck me over. I expect this to hurt. It’d mean nothing if it didn’t. If there’s no pain, there’s no… substance.”

  “You need to tell your brother. He loved her, too,” his dad said. The sadness in his voice was hard to miss as was the way his eyebrows creased together and the corners of his lips deepened into a frown. There was no hiding exactly who he was in love with. For his father had known about Stephanie and Rob before Julian did.

  “I will. I know this sounds selfish, but right now, Rob’s feelings don’t concern me. Just Stephanie’s. I know that he’s hung up on Ally. But he doesn’t know Stephanie like I do. He doesn’t love her the way I do. I have to keep him in the dark in hopes of being able to keep her in the light.”

  “Is she your soul mate?” Every aspect of his father’s face softened, and his eyes twinkled with hope.

  Julian nodded slowly. “She’s mine. But I think someone who made her feel safe and loved is hers. But that doesn’t mean her heart is his. I know her heart belongs to me, Dad. Just like mine has been hers. Before and after her… there was no one else but Stephanie.”

  A proud grin stretched across his father’s lips. “Then you never let go.”

  Never.

  When the elevator opened on Max’s floor of his Southbank apartment, Julian let out a heavy sigh, knowing that tonight he’d sleep alone. The fifty-minute drive back into the city had been lonely. But it also meant he’d thought of Stephanie. He’d never let her go, but if he was doing more harm than good, then he had no idea how he could stay. Better. That word crossed his mind several times. Whatever she had gone through, she was now better. That was until they met again. It seemed she had all but relapsed because of him. Just the thought made his stomach knot, and he hung his head as he walke
d towards the apartment.

  Maybe I’m the one who’s not good for her.

  I made a mess of all the things that made her better.

  “I make her worse,” he muttered and dug his hand into his pocket.

  I don’t make her better.

  Charles made her better.

  When Julian lifted his chin, his fingers grasped the keys as he took in the sight of Stephanie. She sat on the hallway floor with her back leant against the front door and her eyes set on her phone. Julian swallowed hard. He wasn’t sure if she had heard him yet. He wasn’t even sure why she was at Max’s apartment. If she was after Max, then she should have gone to his office. But the obvious frown he could just see was evident that she was there because of him. There were no ifs, ands, or buts that he had hurt her. Julian felt the tremors of his heart. He felt the fear within him, too. She’d tell him that she could never love him. He knew the inevitable. But he hoped to avoid it. Destroy it. Make sure it never happened.

  He said nothing as he removed his hand from his pocket and approached Stephanie. With a deep breath, he sat next to her and stared at his crossed legs rather than her. It seemed like hours, but they had only shared the silence for a few minutes. Suddenly, she let out a low exhale and took hold of his left hand then entwined their fingers.

  “Do you remember when I suggested that we elope? We were getting our tattoos, and I had said it would be more sentimental if we did. Do you remember?”

  Julian turned his gaze away from his lap and to Stephanie staring at him. The hurt in her eyes mixed with something else. One of those beautiful sights, one that reeked of revelation and pain.

  He smiled at the memory. “You asked me if I would really elope with you.”

  Stephanie shifted so that she faced him. Then she took a deep breath. “I didn’t ask you because I thought it was sentimental. I asked you because I really wanted to.”

  He averted her sad eyes and whispered, “Then why did you wake up and leave? You said eloping had to be as spontaneous as our decisions. Was your decision to leave me spontaneous, too? Was there substance to it?”

  “Could you please look at me?” And he did. She blinked once. “Earlier today, you told me that you loved me. I told you I leeked you.” Tears slowly slid down her cheeks.

  “Not the same, is it? I love you, and you leek me. I loved you, and you left me. I loved you, and you loved Charles. I love you, and you let me hurt over you. I love you, and you let the elevator doors answer for you.” He hadn’t meant the force in his voice. And he definitely didn’t mean for his eyes to water. He quickly pulled his hand from hers and heard her small gasp. It was as if he had shoved his own hand into his chest and pulled out his heart, displaying it to her. He’d scream that the blackness of his organ was because of her.

  “Our last night,” she let out.

  “Don’t,” he said, stopping her. Julian stood up and stared down at her. “Just don’t. Don’t even ruin that night for me. Let me have those good memories.”

  Then Julian turned and pulled the apartment key from his pocket. From the corner of his eye, he could see her blonde hair. All he wanted to do was pick her up from her floor, take her into his room, and hold her. Let her cry into his arms until he could ask for a ‘do-over’ and figure out how they could spend their lives together. It was so much harder than that. He had suffered for her. That he admitted. But he wasn’t sure how much longer he could endure his suffrage. Once he had wiped the moisture off his cheek with the back of his hand, Julian placed the key into the lock.

  “I love you,” Stephanie whispered once the key was completely in.

  He felt the air quickly leave him. He’d heard it. But he wasn’t sure if he had suddenly died or he had imagined it. Julian glanced down to see her staring at her hands.

  “What?” he breathed out unbelievably.

  Stephanie lifted her chin and her glassy eyes met his. “That night. I said it to you when you took my virginity. The moment after you broke my hymen, I said it.” Then she stood up and took his hands. “That was then…”

  “B-but not now?”

  Her hands slid up his arms, grazed his neck before she cupped his face. “Right now?”

  Julian nodded.

  Her eyes had fluttered closed and she had taken two deep breaths before she opened them. “I am so in love with you that it terrifies me. I don’t just leek you or like you. I love you, Julian Moors. I’ve been in love with you since you quoted me To Kill a Mockingbird. I’ve been in love with you since you first smiled at me, since you first looked at me, since you first called me Blondie. And I knew I would never love anyone as I did you when you first kissed me. I’ve never loved anyone the same. It doesn’t make sense. We don’t make sense. We’re irrational. We’re spontaneous. We’re everything that should have ended. But we make sense. We’re completely rational. We’re spontaneous, but that’s what I love most. You’re everything I should run from, but I can’t.” She paused and then sniffed. “I’m in love with you. I’ve only loved two people in life, Julian. And I’ve loved and love you the most.”

  You love me the most.

  Julian’s hands wrapped around her wrists as his eyelids fluttered several times. Her heart ached with every beat and every second that had passed since she’d confessed. Stevie had told him the truth about why she left and of her feelings. She loved Julian more. It was that simple. She had never felt as free as she did when she was with him. Charles saved her. Julian freed her. There was a difference. And throughout the years, she had been in denial over whose love she wanted more.

  I want Julian’s.

  “You said you wanted to know what it felt like for me to tell you that I love you. What do you feel?” she asked.

  He had let out a lengthy breath before he pulled her hands from his face. Stevie’s arms fell to the side of her body as he turned and unlocked the apartment door. Then he stepped inside and closed the door behind him. She cringed at the loud sound and she felt the sobs build inside her chest. All she could do to hold them and her tears back was clench her fists. But it was no use. The sobs escaped and the tears flowed. A pain she hadn’t felt since the miscarriage unfurled within her. Starting in the pit of her stomach, it spread heat towards her heart.

  There was no doubting that she deserved it. She had hurt him, and he didn’t even know the entire truth. Her confession came years too late. Her love not enough. Stevie took a step forward and then another. When she was halfway towards the elevator, her phone rang. The sound of birds chirping filled the quiet hallway. Reaching behind her, Stevie pulled out her phone from her back pocket to see Julian’s name on her screen. With a shaky hand, she picked up the call and placed the earpiece to her ear.

  “I had to see it,” he said. That was when she heard an apartment door open and close behind her.

  She shut her eyes tightly and let the tears fall. “See what?”

  “Your desperation… Your love,” he breathed. “Turn around, Stephanie.”

  And when she did, she was greeted with the most loving smile she had ever seen. The gentleness in those light blues mended that little crack of doubt in her heart. “How does it feel to know that I love you?” she asked, slightly terrified. Then she hung up their call and returned her phone to her pocket. Julian lowered his from his ear and held it tightly.

  “When I find the words to describe it, I’ll let you know. It’s the most incredible feeling. I’m scared that I won’t know what to do with it,” he confessed.

  Stevie smiled and then cleared her cheeks of tears. “They’re words. You’re describing.”

  “They’re not the words. I’ll find them. And they’ll be perfect. But until then, I’m going to feel your love. I’m going to cherish and embrace it because I never believed you could truly love me,” he said.

  Just his words were enough to warm her chest, make the ache slightly bearable. The whole truth hadn’t been expressed. Just one more and she’d be clean of her lies and of her secrets. But for now, she’d
be selfish enough to have his love. However, her conscience screamed at her to tell him. Her conscience also scolded her for admitting her love when all she’d do was hurt him in the end. Stevie pushed the small voice in her head to the furthest depths of her heart. After a few short breaths, she closed the distance between Julian and her.

  The closeness of his body sped up her heart, and his gaze on her inflamed it. No one looked at her the way Julian did. It was as if he saw a good person within her, and when they were together, she believed it.

  “I love you, Julian. I’m so sorry it took me this long to tell you,” she said, peeking up at him through her lashes.

  His arms quickly wrapped around her, and he pulled her into his hard chest. This she knew was home. The feel of him safely around her. She knew she’d never find someone who could make her so terrified of love again. And Stevie knew she’d never find anyone who could love all her scars like he did.

  “Julian,” she mumbled into his chest.

  “Uh-huh,” he responded.

  Stevie’s hands were on his hips, and she pushed back slightly to look at him. “Stay with me this weekend. I know you have to go to work tomorrow, but I’m hoping you’d rather spend your nights with me than Max.”

  A disarmingly cute grin graced his lips. “Damn right I’d rather spend my nights with you. I barely hear from him. He just sends me a text every night saying he won’t be home. Can I stay tonight, Blondie?”

  The sweetness and the child-like way he asked had her chuckling. “If you’re lucky,” she teased.

  “Hmmm, I think I’m the luckiest bastard there is. Stephanie Appleton is in love with me,” he stated with such wonder that she grasped his shirt in her hands and collided her lips to his.

  The rightness of him and his love made their kiss all the more intense. The way his lips glided over hers and made her heart clench only made her realise how much substance there really was between them. The magic hadn’t disappeared. It only became more powerful and more certain. Julian’s hands were in her hair, deepening the already passionate kiss. Moans and sighs echoed but she didn’t care. She loved the man whose insanely talented tongue danced against hers. Loved the way he touched her and made her feel right. Made her feel better.