What You Left Behind

by Len Webster

  The sigh he let out was an extension of his heart’s pain. “I wouldn’t either. Not after what I did.”

  “Then we wait.” Her eyes softened, and she shot him a reassuring smile.

  “Forever,” he breathed.

  “Forever,” she agreed.

  I’d wait forever if I have to.

  Just so I can see her again.

  To tell her I love her and that I’m sorry.

  Maman: Will you be returning to London soon, ma chérie?

  Stevie: Not sure. Charles is happy here.

  Maman: Are you?

  Stevie: I am. I wish you’d give him a chance.

  Maman: Do you know why I didn’t want to go back to Melbourne, Stéphanie?”

  Stevie: Because you missed Paris and the fashion industry.

  Maman: In a way, yes. But when your papa met Rose and the way that he spoke of her, I knew he was in love with her. He had this way of expressing his love for her in the way he spoke of her. I broke his heart when I asked him to go back to Paris, when I told him that I loved my job more than I loved him. When he met Rose and her son, he fell in love with them both. I love your papa, and I will always love him, but I couldn’t come back and destroy what they had. You loved Rose and Jarred. I wasn’t taking that away from you or him. It would have been unfair. And when you talked about Charles, I knew you loved him, but there was a lot your voice told me. You loved him, but you were in love with another. The same boy who sent you to London.

  Stevie: He makes me happy. Charles has always made me happy. He saved my life. He made me better when all I wanted to do was never feel a thing again. I wanted to die in London. Charles gave me life.

  Maman: That doesn’t mean you have to settle for him.

  Stevie: There’s no one else for me. We’ll talk when I get back to London.

  Stevie let her phone fall into her lap, and she sighed. Her fingers reached up to her temples and began to rub, trying to soothe the pulsing aches in her head.

  “Intense messaging with your mother?” Charles asked once he stepped onto the balcony.

  “She just wanted to know when we’d go back to London,” she explained.

  He sighed as he looked out at the beach. Stevie stared at the wonder in his expression. It was beautiful how much he loved the simple things. In the week that they’d been in Brighton, she was reminded of how much she loved Charles. Being with him made her feel better. She didn’t feel beneath him. He always had and continued to treat her as his equal. Though he knew the bad, he loved it; he embraced that part of her. He brought out the good.

  Stevie watched as Charles let out a lengthy breath of air before he made his way to her and crouched down before her. He took both hands and smiled up at Stevie.

  “You know I love you. I would give anything to make you stay. Stay with me for as long as you need to but go home, Stevie. Go back to your brother and your father. Go back to Julian,” he instructed in a sad voice.

  “You don’t want me here?” she asked, shocked and with tears in her eyes.

  “Of course, I do.” Charles stood up and pulled her from the seat. Then he wrapped his arms around her. “I want you to stay with me forever. But your heart isn’t with me. You need closure. Whether you go back to just say goodbye and stay, or just goodbye in general, you need to go back.”

  “I can hear your love for me in your voice,” she mumbled into his chest.

  “I can hear yours. I wouldn’t change our story, no matter what. We have a good one, Stevie. A brilliant one. I’m always here.” He embraced her just that little bit tighter.

  She turned her head slightly and let her lips connect with his jumper-clad chest. “I’m so glad you rescued me.”

  “I’m so glad you let me,” Charles replied and then rested his chin on the top of her head.

  She loved this Charles.

  She’d also say goodbye to this Charles when she finally moved to Paris.

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you to the shops?” Stevie asked at the front door.

  Charles wrapped the woollen scarf around his neck and then cupped her face. His cold fingers had her laughing. The temperature had dropped since this morning. Now snow began to flutter down from the skies. “I’m sure. Stay warm by the fire for me,” he said sweetly as he kissed her forehead.

  “Don’t forget the beefy chips!” Stevie yelled after him.

  He raised his hand and did a waving motion. “Will not forget the beefy crisps!”

  With a chuckle, Stevie shut the front door. She forgot how much she hated the cold English winter. How she ever thought Melbourne winter was horrible, she’d never know. The sound of her phone ringing had her turning away from the door and entering the lounge room. Since she had arrived in England, she’d had her phone on ‘Do not disturb’ mode. Some calls had made it through, but most she had ignored and never checked who had called. When Sophie called, she would call her cousin’s phone to reach Stevie. When she got to her phone, Stevie pressed her lips tightly at the name.

  “Hey, Ally,” she greeted as normally as possible.

  “Hey, Stevie. What are you up to?”

  Lie.

  Stevie sat in the winged back chair next to the fireplace and stared at the flames. “Just at home. About to watch a movie.”

  “I see.” Ally made a humming sound. “Now I know that’s a lie because I’m actually standing in your bedroom. Your bed’s unmade and your drawers are all flung open like you left in a hurry. I’ve been in Melbourne for almost four days and you haven’t come home.”

  “Fine,” Stevie sighed. “I’m not home. Don’t tell anyone, but I’m in England.”

  “Why?”

  The tremors began in her chest, and Stevie gripped the phone tightly in her hand. “I needed to get away.”

  “He loves you,” Ally stated.

  “He loved me. Look, I can’t talk right now. You can take my room if you’d like. Pack my things or chuck them out. I don’t mind. Welcome to the big bad world, Ally. You better win Robert Moors’ heart while I’m gone,” Stevie teased.

  “Will you come back? We were going to be roommates.”

  “I’d love to, but you’ve got this. Whatever life throws at you, I know you can take it and conquer it. It’s your time to be more than what those magazines say. And if Rob does anything stupid, he’d better watch out!” she warned.

  “I wish you’d come home, Stevie.”

  “Maybe someday.” And with that, Stevie hung up on Ally. She gazed at her phone to see missed calls. With a deep breath, she checked the missed call history. Several from her papa, about twenty from her stepmother, Rose, about a dozen from Jarred, some from Clara, Rob, and Annie, and four from Julian.

  Unable to kill the curiosity within her, Stevie’s thumb pressed on the number saved as ‘Voicemail.’ She skipped through everyone’s—including Jarred’s apologies—until she got to Julian’s.

  First voicemail: “It’s me. Ally had me sober up before I called you. I made a mess of your couch. I’m sorry. You don’t have to call me back. Clara told me the truth. I didn’t let you finish. I walked out of your apartment thinking you had an abortion, and I should have known better. I’m so sorry, Stephanie. Please forgive me. Please. I love you.”

  Second voicemail: “I’m scared I’m never going to see you again. That I’ve lost you for good. I love you. I made the biggest mistake of my life for the way I handled things. I was a fucking idiot, and I’m sorry. I am so sorry. I hope you’re safe, and I hope someday you could forgive me. I love you.”

  Third voicemail: “I was hurt. The thought that we had a child together blinded me. I wanted you to be the mother of my child. I wanted it. I didn’t take into account that you have suffered. I saw the worst in you, and I shouldn’t have. I should have stood by you, and I didn’t. I’m sorry, Stephanie. I love you.”

  Fourth voicemail: “Hey, it’s me. Julian. I’ve been practicing this message all day. I spoke to Jarred, and he told me about you and Cha
rles. I can’t be jealous of him. I should thank him, really. If you do decide to stay in England and be with him, then that’s okay with me. I love you, but he’s your soul mate. And he deserves you. He made you better when I made you worse. This is my last message. I love you, Stephanie. You were my all-in, and I fucked it up. You were worth it all, and I threw it away. Be happy, Stephanie. Be as free as you were before you met me. I love you.”

  “You have no new messages,” the automatic female voice said. The finality of that voice crushed her. It was his final message. Stevie dropped her phone into her lap and began to sob.

  I became free the moment I met you.

  The warmth from inside the beach house was heaven. He forgot how cold Brighton was. London was cold, but Brighton was a killer. The snow had begun to fall heavily after he had driven ten minutes to ASDA to buy things for tea. Charles began unpacking the groceries and smiled when he came across Stevie’s Beefy crisps. He wasn’t in love with them as she was. And he knew that they weren’t available in Australia. Every year for her birthday, he’d mail her a box and she would mail back Tim Tams. Her cards always read the same: I love you, Charlie.

  Those cards sat in his desk back at his apartment. Charles didn’t doubt her love, but he always knew that her mind played heavily on her decisions. From the moment he had met her, she believed she was tainted goods. She had lost her way. And he was determined to show her the goodness he saw in her eyes.

  “Steves! I got your crisps,” he yelled from the kitchen. His ears met with silence, and it caused him to still. The last time she had been so quiet, she had a blade to her wrist and was high on cocaine. “Fuck!” he muttered and burst out of the kitchen and ran to the bedroom. “Stevie!” he screamed the moment he stepped foot into the room they had shared together for the past week.

  “You all right, Charlie?” she asked from the balcony. Her brows were knitted together and snow had settled in her blonde hair.

  “You didn’t answer… I thought because of last time…” he trailed off.

  Her mouth made an ‘O’ and she nodded. “The first time I tried to kill myself. You saved me then. Also, the second time, when I stood in the middle of Oxford Street, waiting for a bus or a car to hit me. And when I tried to jump off that bridge… you saved me from three suicide attempts. I’m so sorry you had to experience that, Charlie. I wasn’t… I wasn’t mentally right back then. I am now, and I have you to thank.”

  “I’d never have to think when it comes to making sure you’re safe.” He closed the distance until his body touched hers. “You never have to thank me. I was in love with you. Your life and the breaths of air you took mattered more to me than anyone else. I’d have died for you.”

  Tears welled her eyes. “Charlie, kiss me.”

  “You never have to ask,” he breathed before his hands were on either side of her face and he brought his lips to hers. Pressing them together, sealing their connection. Her lips were exactly as he remembered. This was his Stevie. Her arms wound around his neck as a soft moan escaped her. He knew this was wrong. He knew her head wasn’t where her heart was. He knew that she believed this was right. But if he were a stronger man, he’d back away. Charles would let her go.

  His hands were on her hips and he sighed, “I’m going to lift you. Wrap your legs around me.”

  “Yes,” she said in a moan.

  When her legs were around his waist, Charles took several steps back into the bedroom. His lips and tongue tasting and remembering her. It had been a long time since she had kissed him and touched him. It had been a long time since he felt the surge of passion and need that burst within him.

  Suddenly, her hands were by the side of his cheeks and she was pulling him back. “Take me back to London, Charlie,” she whispered.

  The realisation in her eyes was enough for him. This kiss didn’t do to her what it did to him. And for that he could only smile. She had found what she was looking for. The reason that held her back.

  Me.

  “Goodbye, Stevie,” he said softly and pressed his lips lightly on hers.

  She let her forehead rest on his before uttering, “Goodbye, Charles.” In between her heavy breathing, she had said, “I love you.”

  It ached him to hear, but he knew where her heart lay and he was happy to let her go. With all the honesty and goodness in him, he admitted, “I love you more.”

  After saying goodbye to Charles, Sophie, and her mother, Stevie had gone through security and sat by the gate for her flight back home to Melbourne. A lot of risks were taken. She had turned her back on a future with Charles. Again. But her heart needed Julian, as did her body and her thoughts. She had told her mother to keep a room free in her Paris apartment in case she visited or worse—she and Julian didn’t get back together. But she hoped that his love hadn’t changed in the two weeks since she had listened to his messages. As much as she had wanted to return quickly, she couldn’t. She needed to be sure and spend time with the ones she loved in London. Sophie hadn’t been pleased; she was still planning a wedding between Stevie and Charles. At one stage, Charles had had to sit her down and give her a talking to.

  As much as she’d miss England, she couldn’t wait to go home. Though she didn’t have a job, she had hoped maybe she’d have Julian. But no matter what, she had achieved several things in London. She had let go of Charles, and she had forgiven her mother for her not-so-present involvement in Stevie’s upbringing. She would also need to thank her stepmother, Rose, for raising her and not being the wicked witch in stepmothery. Stevie glanced down at her phone and smiled.

  Charles: I’m proud of you, Stevie. Thank you for drunkenly entering my life. I love you.

  Stevie: Thank you for letting me. Sober decisions make the best decisions. I love you, too, Charlie. Do great things xx

  Once she had sent him a reply, Stevie pulled up Ally’s number.

  Stevie: I’m coming home.

  She got an instant response.

  Ally: It’s about time.

  Julian’s finger ran down the page, lingering over every highlighted sentence and stain. It had been two weeks since he had discovered the truth about Stephanie’s pregnancy. It had been ten days since Ally kicked him out of the apartment. He had left her four voicemail messages. In the end, he had given her his okay to stay and be with Charles. The truth was that he was genuinely giving her his blessing. When Julian had called Jarred, the truth about Stephanie’s relationship with Charles broke his heart. They had substance. They had a lot of meaning and a lot of reason to be together. Charles Henderson had been everything Julian couldn’t be for Stephanie. Even saved her from three suicide attempts.

  “Hey, mate, you doing okay today?” Max, his best friend, asked.

  He didn’t bother to look up from Stephanie’s copy of To Kill a Mockingbird. She had left it in his villa, and he had hoped that when she returned, he’d give it back to her. She didn’t have to love him back. He had hopes she’d appreciate the returning of her book—the same book she had read to him on Karon Beach four years ago.

  “I’m doing real shitty, Max. Still sleeping with Sarah?” From the corner of his eye, he noticed Max flinch. Julian instantly regretted the cheap shot he took at Max. “Sorry, that wasn’t fair. I miss her. I made the worst mistake of my life, and I can’t take it back.”

  “Remember when Noel and Clara were going through things? Back in New York, you kept your eye on them and made sure they weren’t interrupted when they were watching the sunrise together?”

  He nodded and placed the book on his lap. Then he turned his attention to the bedroom door to see Max undoing his tie. “They needed to fall in love with each other again.”

  Max smiled. “You told me that you hoped to find that girl who made you do all the stupid shit that Noel did. He was about to throw it all away for her. You said that they gave you hope. You gotta hope again, Julian. She’ll come back.”

  “You have too much faith.”

  “Someone has to. Last time, it w
as you. This time, it’s me. I believe in this true love shit,” Max admitted as he left Julian alone in his bedroom.

  Sighing, Julian picked up the worn paperback and gazed at it. Soon enough, he’d have to let the book go. Let Stephanie go. And let his heart go. They never belonged to him in the first place. He then reached into his pocket and took out the sonogram of their baby. Julian brought it to his lips, kissed the picture goodbye, and then slipped it into the pages of the book. The two consecutive chimes of his phone had Julian reaching for it from the bedside table. When he opened the message from Rob, his heart stopped. Completely and utterly froze mid-beat.

  The ugly older sperm: I’m only telling you this because we’re brothers. Ally told me this in confidence, and although I love her and you’re the only one who knows that, you’re also my brother and deserve to know. Now, I keep fucking up with Ally, so you better do something that justifies her hating me. But Stevie’s back. She landed today. I don’t know anything more than that. If you want to seek forgiveness, then it’s time you get over there. If you want to win her back, then I suggest you get the fuck over there QUICKLY. But if you can’t get past the fact that she miscarried and hadn’t had the chance to tell you, then don’t even bother going to see her. Fight or flight, little brother. It’s your call.

  Fight.

  I will fight as I would for my last ounce of breath.

  Because she’s my all-in.

  Stephanie is my air.

  Stephanie is my heart.

  She’s everything vital to me.

  “Clara, stop freaking out! I’m fine. I needed to get away for a while,” Stevie reassured into her phone as she watched Ally curl her hair.

  “You disappeared for almost a month! How could you go off and not tell me where you were? I’m your best friend!” Clara scolded.