Still Life (Forever Still #1)

by A. M. Johnson

  As I stared around my apartment, I started to realize how alone I really was. I was twenty-two-years-old and my parents were dead. Todd always wanted too much from me, so I’d distanced myself from him. Cam had a new man in her life.

  Who am I kidding? I couldn’t exist like this anymore. I couldn’t keep punishing myself for what my parents did. My therapist Julia always told me that what my parents did had nothing to do with me. They had been suffering but not because of me. I had a hard time with this statement because it had everything to do with me. They didn’t love me enough to stick it out, to weather the storm, to not fucking leave me to fend for myself at ten-years-old because they couldn’t hack it. I had no family.

  My parents were high school sweethearts. Mom always told me that Daddy was there for her during her darker times. I never knew what she meant by that. I was far too young. After their deaths, I found out that my mother’s biological father abandoned her mother when he found out that she was pregnant with my mom. My gran was an alcoholic and died when I was five from liver issues. I came from a long line of screw ups, apparently. Mom and Dad decided to get married straight out of high school. They loved each other with a fire no one could compete with. My mom got pregnant with me when she was just eighteen-years-old. Daddy inherited his family farm when he was only nineteen, when both his parents died in a car crash. I’d had so much loss. I had been left alone. Thank goodness Todd’s parents took me in.

  It was dark out. It had been a week since my parents died. I had lots of sleepovers with Cam and Todd. I was sitting in the backseat of Todd’s parents’ car. I noticed the frost on the lawn glistened from the light of the porch. We’d just gotten back from some boring lawyer’s office. I was supposed to live with Todd now. I was very happy about that. I smiled. I realized I was smiling and instantly felt bad. My parents were dead. I shouldn’t be happy. I couldn’t smile, it was too soon. My throat contracted, a pain I was used to now. I tilted my head down and stared at my hands. I still could see blood on them. I knew it wasn’t there. I knew. I still smelled the faint coppery stench. I couldn’t escape the scent of burning hair. I sobbed silently. I listened to Mrs. Dixon from the back seat of her car. She was talking to Mr. Dixon. I didn’t really understand what she was saying. I heard words like legal, custody, sole and physical. I heard her mention full life insurance policies.

  This was going to be my new life. I couldn’t help but wonder if Todd and Colby would be like my brothers now. Was I supposed to call the Dixons, Mom, and Dad? I shifted in my seat, unable to stay still any longer. I saw Mrs. Dixon look back at me through the rear-view mirror. She said her goodbyes and hung up her cell phone.

  “You doing okay, Lizzie bean?” Her eyes were glassy.

  I nodded.

  “That was Mr. Dixon on the phone. He’s real excited you’re going to be living with us. Your momma and dad picked us honey, you know, to take care of you if they couldn’t. They made sure to leave you some money, too. You won’t have to worry about a thing sweetie. You ready baby girl? Todd is over the moon excited and Colby, well he’s a little freaked, I won’t lie. He’s afraid of living with a girl. But he’ll come around, don’t you worry. Come on let’s head in and start dinner. I’m just tickled to have a little lady around the house now.” She opened the door to the car and waited for me to follow. I stepped out and she immediately pulled me into a hug.

  I swallowed back the sobs that were scratching up my throat. She tried so hard to make this easy. I knew she didn’t want me to worry, but that was all I had left. Worry. Time. Sadness. Regret.

  Looking back, I tried to put myself in my parents’ shoes. I tried to feel what they felt when they took their lives. I knew so little about what really was going on back then. Julia, my therapist, thought it was a ‘good idea’ to dredge up all that shit, get closure. Tonight, I’d rather get drunk.

  I slowly got up from my couch and headed to the kitchen for my wine. I lived in a small one bedroom apartment just off campus. I had some money in savings from the life insurance my parents left for me. At least they thought of that, right? I paid for school and living expenses with it. I really did enjoy living on my own. It felt good to be independent, to be able to come home and rest in the quiet comfort of silence and be truly alone. Just as I was about to sip my wine, my phone alarmed that I had a text.

  Todd: Hey baby girl, I have a feeling you’re wallowing. Why aren’t you here?

  Me: I’m tired.

  Todd: Bullshit!

  I snapped my phone shut. He knew damn well why I wasn’t out tonight. I finished my glass of wine in one gulp and poured another. My phone went off again.

  Todd: You can’t do this every year.

  Me: It’s not your business Todd, just leave it…

  Todd: No. I’m coming to get you. We’re down at The Trap…

  Me: Please don’t. I’m fine just need some space.

  It was a few minutes before his next text.

  Todd: That’s all you ever want… space. I hate that word. You need to start living. I’m coming to get you. I’m sick of this shit baby.

  His words cut to the core. Maybe he was right. I needed time to think.

  Me: Thanks for putting me in my place ;) Can I think about it?

  Todd: K… but do yourself a favor and get out of that crazy head of yours. Live Lizzie… Love you.

  Me: Yeah, yeah… xoxo

  I sat and sipped my wine, mulling things over in my head for twenty minutes. I felt trapped in my own body. Today was the only day I’d let myself be sad, angry and alone. I decided it was time to just drink the wine from the bottle. I started to feel anxious. I felt as if I was standing on the tip of a knife. If I stayed home… if I chose to be alone again, I might never get past all this.

  Maybe Todd was right, maybe I shouldn’t be all alone. I was so sick of being on my own all the time. I was tired of carrying all this baggage. Besides, Sawyer invited me and I had a feeling I shouldn’t pass him up. Sawyer seemed like the kind of guy that wouldn’t hesitate to move the hell on if you didn’t bite at the crumbs he left you. I liked that air about him because he reminded me of myself that way. I jumped up from the couch, wine bottle in hand. I rummaged through my closet for something to wear. I wanted this night to be different. Maybe I’d start a new tradition. Instead of sad and lonely, I’d get all dressed up and take on the town. I found a really cute chevron-striped wrap dress. It was black and white and fell just above my knee. I threw on some red leather flats. I liked the burst of color it added. A quick brush of mascara and gloss and I was ready. My hair dried naturally from my shower earlier and hung down with soft dark waves. I took the last sip of wine from the bottle and texted Cam.

  Me: Come get me, I need a ride to The Trap. You with Barry tonight?

  Cam: No, not tonight. He’s working. You really think it’s a good idea to go out tonight? Why don’t you drive yourself? Are you drunk?

  Me: Who me? Drunk? Never! Please just come get me before I change my mind. Todd and that guy Sawyer are out celebrating Sawyer’s birthday.

  Me: Okay, so I’m buzzed sue me…

  Cam: I’ll be there in five.

  And so it had begun—my new tradition.

  The music in the club vibrated off the walls so loudly I couldn’t hear myself think. I was sitting at our table in the back of the club. Todd was taking a body shot off one of the eager chicks sitting at our table. I was feeling a good buzz and just laughed at how willing these girls were. If I wasn’t careful with my own alcohol consumption tonight, I could possibly wake up tomorrow with one of these idiots. I got up from the table and told Todd I was getting another drink. I walked to the bar and asked the bartender for another vodka tonic. I couldn’t help but feel disappointed that Elizabeth wasn’t coming. Todd told me earlier that she couldn’t make it. I almost felt like just packing it up and going home. This wasn’t really my scene.

  Finally. Drink in hand, I was about to turn and go back to the table when I almost walked right into Cam, T
odd’s friend.

  “Shit!” I said bracing my poison. I‘d almost spilled my drink down her shirt.

  “Gah!” Cam yelped. “What the hell, this place is so packed. Where’s Todd? We’ve got a problem.”

  I was surprised she remembered me. I’d only met her once in class after the Unbridled show. She introduced herself to me as, “Todd’s coolest best friend ever.” She was odd. “Follow me, what’s going on?”

  “Lizzie has been drinking—”

  “Is she here?” I cut her off and started looking around for Elizabeth. We headed for our table.

  “She’s here all right. Oh, thank God! Todd,” she shouted. I followed close behind.

  “Cam, you made it.” Todd high-fived her.

  “Lizzie’s here, Todd, she’s out on the dance floor and super tipsy. She texted me that she wanted to come. I’m pretty sure she’s a bottle and half deep, you know tonight is—”

  “Yeah, I know. I think this is my fault. I kind of told her to come, but she said no. Why did she change her mind?” Todd looked hopeful. I was still stuck on what ‘tonight’ was other than my birthday.

  “I’m not sure, but even though she’s tipsy, she seems okay.” Cam smiled.

  They continued to talk, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to go see her. I gradually made my way to the dance floor. The music was slow and murky. The words of the song played out with a shadowy feeling and all of a sudden all I saw was her. She was in the center of the dance floor, wearing a dress that was just short enough that when she danced, it showed off her thighs. It made me want more. Her body moved with the music perfectly as if she was made from it. I unconsciously licked my lips. She was so damn sexy. Her long dark hair fell in waves over her shoulders and down her back. Her eyes were closed as she swayed and dipped to the beat of the song. The drums heavy bass kicked up the cloud of lust that encapsulated my mind and pulse.

  I watched from the side for a moment more before I noticed Todd come up from behind her. He turned her toward him and he held her face in his hands. He leaned in close and whispered something in her ear and she started crying. Why was she crying? I felt sick. I couldn’t understand why I felt so much for this girl I barely knew.

  I wanted to go to her then, but Todd leaned in and kissed her on the mouth. He lingered there longer than a friend should and when he pulled away her face crumbled. Todd wiped her tears away with his thumbs before he wrapped her up in his arms. I felt totally empty. She was his, and I wanted her to be mine. I wanted to be the one to comfort her, take away that look of desolation from her eyes. I started to turn away and she noticed me. She pushed away from him in such a way that sparked anticipation in my stomach. I smiled. She started to walk toward me, once they were within earshot I heard Todd curse under his breath.

  “Happy Birthday, old man,” she said smiling. Her smile touched her eyes. Even though she’d been crying, she looked beautiful. Her eyes glittered with the recent tears.

  “Thanks. I’m glad you made it out tonight. You all right?” My voice was laced with concern. I noticed Todd take her hand in his.

  “I really needed the break. So, who wants to do a shot?” she shouted. She was just as good at avoidance as I was.

  “We have a table back here baby girl, let’s go sit down. Sawyer you coming brother?” Todd headed toward the back of the club.

  The night played out in a very interesting fashion. I decided to stop drinking so I could get this motley crew home. Todd had continued his body shots and Elizabeth and Cam got wasted as well. We all danced, talked and laughed. I felt that I really was starting to get to know everyone. I spent the majority of the evening trying to figure out Todd and Elizabeth’s relationship. It was obvious to me that Todd wanted her. I had no idea the extent of what these two had been through together, but it was clear that they were close. He would take a body shot off some skank, stick his tongue down said skank’s throat and then proceed to hold Lizzie’s hand and leave small kisses here and there on her face and hands. Needless to say, I was very confused. As much as I liked Elizabeth, I had no desire to be part of some twisted love triangle.

  The night was coming to an end. Todd and Cam went to pay their tabs. I was alone with Elizabeth for the first time that night. The music had died down a bit as the club tried to get ready for closing time. She sat with her legs crossed on the stool and smiled at me. Her hair was slightly wet with perspiration from dancing. She looked gorgeous.

  “So… you and Todd?” I asked nervously.

  “Nah, we have a very long history me and that boy. I love him, but that ship has sailed.”

  “Oh, I don’t think it’s sailed very far for him, my lady.” I chuckled.

  “He knows where we stand, sometimes those lines get blurred, but in the end, he knows it is what it is. I don’t love him like that.” She frowned and I couldn’t help but think her words sounded very cold.

  “Ouch, I feel bad for him—”

  “Don’t. He and I are friends. If he makes any more of it that’s not my fault, he knows better. I really don’t think he sees it that way anymore anyways.” She downed the last bit of her drink and stepped off the stool. Her gait was slightly unsteady with intoxication. Todd and Cam walked up to the table before I could get a response out.

  “I’ll give you ladies a ride home.” I gestured toward the door.

  “Oh, no worries. Barry is waiting for me outside. Bye you guys. Sawyer it was a pleasure. Liz, take care, okay? Love your face.” Cam kissed her on the cheek and headed for the exit.

  “You guys ready then? Let’s get outta here. Where do you live Elizabeth?” I asked

  “Oh, I’m crashing at Todd’s, um… I guess it’s your place now too, huh?” She chuckled.

  The ride home was quiet and short. I drove faster than I should have because I was feeling needlessly angry that Elizabeth was going to sleep in Todd’s room. I shouldn’t care. She isn’t anything to me. So what if I liked her. What? I lay no claim, Todd had years on me. I can’t be jealous, it’s not my place. Regardless, my hands were white-knuckled the whole way home as Todd and Liz laughed at each other in the back seat.

  Once we pulled up to the apartment, I stormed out of the car and slammed the front door. Seconds later the front door opened. Todd and Elizabeth were snuggled up to each other and walked right past me as if I didn’t exist and then moved to his room and shut the door. I heard her squeal and giggle and my tempered flared. Did she know just yesterday he had some sorority girl over? Todd banged at least two chicks a week. I felt physically ill that Elizabeth would be on that list. I had to just deal with it, right?

  I didn’t want to be in the apartment, I just wanted to disappear. I went into my room and threw my headphones on. I played the angriest music on my MP3 player that I could find. I closed my eyes and started to deep breathe. I can’t be angry, I have no reason to be angry. I kept repeating that over and over and over in my head. Besides, I had no idea what was going on in there. She had probably passed out. The thought of his hands on her skin, his lips tasting hers, tasting what I wanted to be mine, was enough to send me almost to the edge.

  My 9:30 a.m. alarm went off. The sun filtered in through the dust motes and fell across my chest. I was still so tired, my birthday party at the club still pounded in my head. Staying up late thinking about Elizabeth with Todd didn’t help either. I decided some time during the night that I needed to ask Elizabeth out on a date. I haven’t really wanted a chick this bad in a while. The last girl I dated was more of a ‘friends with benefits.’ Mackenzie was this bad ass chick I met during some of my training in the Navy. She made me laugh my ass off, and the fact that she could drink most of the guys under the table made her very charming.

  Mackenzie texted me last night to say Happy Birthday and that she’d be in town for a work thing in two weeks. Mack and Greg, my Special Warfare mentor, started dating after one of my deployments. They’ve been together ever since, lucky man. I haven’t thought about her for such a long time. She was a
nice distraction from my previous life at home. The thought that maybe that’s exactly what Todd was for Elizabeth, popped into my mind.

  I needed to get out of my head. I needed to run.

  “What the hell!” I groaned as I rolled over in the bed. “It’s only 10:00 in the morning, for crying out loud.” Music was blaring from the living room.

  I felt for Todd on the other side of the bed, but all that was there were cold sheets. I had really done it this time. When we got back from the club I just wanted to sleep. Todd being Todd started tickling me and then one thing led to another and I was sprawled on my back giggling. The previous night started to run a full-color wheel in my head.

  Todd was laying over me. He slowly bent down to kiss me. I thought I should stop him, but I was tired of pushing him away, the alcohol was clouding my judgment. His lips were warm on mine as he sought entrance into my mouth. I granted it. The kiss was soft and unhurried. I thought in my drunk hazy head that I really shouldn’t go there again. He knelt on the bed, parting my legs with his knees. As he took his shirt off, his dark blond hair ruffled with the movement. His deep brown eyes smoldered as they met mine. Todd’s swimmer body was on full display, he really was unbelievably striking. He started kissing me again. His hand traced the under curve of my breast and I exhaled a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.

  “Lizzie? What’s wrong?” Todd looked at me with pleading eyes that broke me. This night would be more for him than me.