Still Life (Forever Still #1)

by A. M. Johnson

  “Mmm… Sawyer,” she sighed as I lifted her up onto the workbench. My hand running up the length of her leg, the tips of my fingers slightly grazing underneath the hem line of her shorts. My other hand cupped her full breast. I felt my own need and began to ache for her. Only she did this to me.

  “Only… ever… you,” I whispered into her ear before my teeth drew at the flesh of her neck. She tasted salty and sweet at the same time. Elizabeth’s hand snaked up under my shirt, her other hand dipping below the waistband of my pants.

  “Uh… um… Mr. Bryant?” a female voice invaded my blissed out bubble.

  “Oh God, Sawyer, someone is here,” Elizabeth whispered fervently into my ear as my forehead rested on her shoulder and her hands quickly moved from my body.

  “Shit,” my voice was quiet. I took a deep breath inhaling Liz one last time. My arousal was very apparent so I took a moment to think it away. Todd in a speedo. Greg taking a piss on that Haji while he slept, woodwork, football, beer. I pulled away from Elizabeth and grinned. She was bright red. I mean she was red everywhere all the way down to her tank top and I’d make a bet even further below. Not helping. I chuckled at the state she was in. I was about to turn around when another female voice stopped me in my tracks.

  “Sawyer,” her voice shook with feeling.

  Nine years couldn’t wipe away that voice. Nine years couldn’t stop the guilt that flooded my veins. Nine years couldn’t hinder the sorrow that now threatened to tumble over. Her voice, it hadn’t changed a bit. I was terrified to turn around.

  “Sawyer,” she spoke again. This time she sounded weak, her voice begging me to acknowledge her presence.

  I looked up at Liz and noticed she was shaking with emotion as well. Could she sense what I was feeling? It took all the strength I could muster. My name from her lips assaulted my heart.

  “Mom?” I turned and looked into the green eyes that were mine, the face that betrayed me each day as a child. The woman who gave me life and sent me to hell each day with her silence. Her face had aged, she looked so much older than I remembered. Her shoulder length dark hair was salted with grey. I stepped closer and noticed she had deep wrinkles around her mouth. Instead of laugh lines she had frown lines. A part of me died seeing her again, like this. I would’ve rather she stayed a figment to me instead of seeing the cold truth of what the years had done to her.

  “You… you look well, son.” Tears trickled down her cheeks. My body stiffened at the word ‘son.’

  “What are you doing here?” my voice was unforgiving. She winced. The interior designer, Brandi was her name, was standing just beside her. Brandi had orchestrated the design and purchase for the previous big sale I had.

  What bad luck for her that she should show up at the same time as the shit show was about to start.

  “Sawyer, This… this is the client from before. You created her cabinets. I… had no idea you were related.” Brandi’s brow furrowed down in confusion.

  “What?” I was incredulous. My left hand curled into a fist and my right index finger pointed furiously at my mother. “You! You… you’re the reason he knows aren’t you? You told him?” I spat. My rage was molten. My spine shivered with angry restraint. “How dare you show your face here?”

  My mother paled. “Sawyer, please let me explain,” she cried.

  My body recoiled, I needed distance from her. Everything about her brought it all back. I remembered everything. The memories swam behind my eyes. The whores, the blood, and the bruises. The pain from each wound he had ever afflicted surfaced, making my stomach curdle. I tried to breathe. I squeezed my eyes shut. I inhaled deep and pinched the bridge of my nose, but still felt as if I were sinking, the air burned my lungs with hateful fire. I turned to leave and faltered. Elizabeth had been standing behind me. She looked up at me and shook her head. I tilted my head and looked into her eyes, my thoughts were muddled. Her eyes were crystallized watery pools. She could feel the cold fury radiating from my body. She shuddered as she placed her hand on my heart. She always calmed me right to the core. The tears I held so tightly bound finally broke through the dam.

  “Don’t walk away,” she spoke gently. “You’re stronger than that, Soy. Don’t quit. Let’s do this head on, baby.” A small sad smirk lit up her face. I exhaled. The words ‘don’t quit’ resonated with me more than she’d ever know.

  “You’re amazing, you know that right?” I said only so she could hear.

  “That’s what I hear.” She dabbed away the salty water on my cheeks with her lips.

  I took Elizabeth’s hand in mine. “Come with me?”

  “I think you know the answer to that.” She smiled again. We turned and faced my mother.

  “We’re divorced, Sawyer. We have been for about two years,” my mother explained quickly.

  “You… you left him?”

  “I had to. It was either leave or die. I chose life… I chose right this time. Oh God Sawyer, I failed you,” her voice broke out into sobs. My hands tensed in fists once more.

  “Brandi, let’s go inside. Do you want a drink?” Elizabeth asked.

  “That sounds great.” Brandi looked between me and my mother nervously and nodded her head. Elizabeth squeezed my hand.

  “You got this?” She bit down on her bottom lip, I sensed her worry.

  “Yeah, cricket, I got this.” I bent down, placing a small kiss on her forehead.

  I got this.

  It seemed like many minutes passed before either one of us spoke. The dark grey suit my mother was wearing only made her look starker.

  “You commissioned my work? Why?”

  “You do beautiful work…” She paused. She looked around the shop eyeing the spot she and Brandi had found Elizabeth and I. “Is there a place we can sit?”

  “Follow me.” I showed her up the stairs to the office. She took a seat and I sat across from her on the other side of the desk. The desk was littered with papers and drawings. She picked up a drawing and stared at it.

  “You didn’t answer my question. Why? Why did you seek me out?” My eyes never left hers.

  “I needed to see you. I had to make sure you were doing okay.” She looked away from my intense gaze.

  “You never cared before,” and as soon as I said it I regretted it instantly. My mother’s face fell in pain.

  “I deserved that. I… I want to start over. I carry so much guilt for what happened. I can’t believe I… I…” She started crying again. She grabbed a tissue from her bag and rubbed at her nose. “I can’t believe I allowed everything to happen. I was so messed up. I’m so sorry, Sawyer. Can you… do you ever see yourself forgiving me? I mean, I let it all happen, I let it all happen,” she kept mumbling that sentence over and over. My response stuck. I couldn’t speak. I watched this ruined woman fall apart in front of me.

  “You let it all happen,” I finally muttered. She looked up, startled, and wiped her eyes with her fingers.

  “I let it all happen.” She gazed at me. My mother confessed her sins to me. She was begging my forgiveness, but I owed her too.

  “I left you.” I bowed my head and let the briny water fall from my eyes. “I left you, damn it, I did, and I can’t even… I can’t stand…” I wasn’t making any sense. I let the feeling overtake me. The feeling of guilt, remorse, regret. It was all there, out on the table. We both showed our cards and we both lost. My mother stood and rounded the desk so quickly I didn’t have a chance to protest. She took my face in her hands.

  “Sawyer, I’m your mother, I failed you, and I should’ve taken you away from all that. Instead, I fed you to him. I gave him someone to punish. I was so scared that I didn’t see what was right from wrong anymore. No, I can’t make excuses. I ruined everything. I should’ve taken you away when you were little. The first time he ever hit you, I should’ve known. Don’t ever… ever blame yourself for anything, it’s all on me.” She hugged me. My cheek rested against her stomach.

  “It’s not all on you.” I pulled awa
y from her embrace. I wasn’t ready for that. “He did this. He hit me, broke my bones, craved my blood, and lived off my fear. He’s responsible, Mom. Yeah, you watched all that shit go down and did nothing. But I knew he’d broken you, too. Every hit he gave me, he gave you too. Am I right?”

  She nodded.

  “Every whore he screwed, damaged you even more, Mom. I… I… watched the light from your eyes die a long time ago. I blamed you for so long. I still blame you. I can’t help it. But… I think we can start to fix things, I need to mend things. I’ve found this light again. I can’t let anything dim it, not even a little. She’s everything and I have to heal for her, for myself.”

  “That girl? She’s helping you, isn’t she?” her voice sounded pleased.

  “You could say that. I love her so much and I need to fix all this shit before I can give her all of me. I can’t hurt like this anymore.” I stood from the chair. “You want to try to mend this shit between us, then let’s do it. I’m done holding this in my mind, my heart. It hurts too much. Mom, it’s like every memory I have is happening for the first time. The pain. I can feel it like it’s fresh. Seeing you makes it worse, but I have to do this. We have to do this.”

  “I want to… be there for you, like I should’ve been. I know I can’t change the past, but we can build a future.”

  The word ‘future’ sounded too optimistic to me. I looked down at her beseeching eyes and sat back down in my chair.

  “Then be there for me.”

  She sniffed and wiped at her nose again. Her throat worked up and down as she glanced up at me.

  “You’re so different now. You’ve changed so much. I don’t know what I thought I’d see when I came here. I still see the scared little boy when I close my eyes at night. But the man you’ve become, the service you did for this country, the love I still see behind your eyes, it’s… it’s… heartbreaking. I missed out on it all. I’m so proud of you.” Her words hit me like a bullet through the chest. “I know I shouldn’t be able to even get to have this moment with you. I see that coming here, having you even talk to me, is more than I deserve. I’m just so grateful you’re going to give me a chance.” A small, watery smile drew across her face.

  I wasn’t sure how much of her I would let in. I could see she really meant what she said. The pride that swelled in her eyes as she looked upon this stranger, this man I’d become, as much as I hated the fact that I needed it, her acceptance of me, it felt… real good.

  There was no mistaking those eyes. The dark green mirrored Sawyer’s, the moment I saw them I knew it was her. I trembled at the resemblance. I’d seen pictures online. I had recently researched Bryant Communications and Sawyers’ parents. Sawyer seemed to have taken a back seat to confronting his father. I knew I should stay out of it. It was dangerous running after ghosts from the past, especially ones that weren’t mine, but I was tired. I wanted to help Sawyer. His father needed to pay for what he’d done.

  I took a sip from my glass and stared at the wall. Sawyer and his mother had been outside talking for over thirty minutes. The interior designer decided to hit the road. I had the order slips and deposit for Sawyer if he decided to do this job for his mother. My heart leaped at the chance they could reconcile. I hoped for Sawyer’s sake he could forgive himself and his mother. My stomach rumbled. I was starving after my run and I had always been an emotional eater. How I didn’t weigh over five hundred pounds was beyond me.

  I threw together a snack of cut apples and cheese. The tart apple puckered my lips as I sat on the barstool with my brain running a mile a minute. My relationship with Sawyer was coming to a head. I could feel the thick weight of dread on my shoulders. His mother coming was just the beginning. I couldn’t help the fear that was building in my gut. In the past, I turned away from that overwhelming tingle, that feeling that something was going to happen. In the past, I should’ve listened to it. I should have been ready. I swallowed the lump in my throat that was forming. My traitor tears boiled to the surface again. I couldn’t lose him, I couldn’t lose any more people. I looked up to the ceiling in a silent prayer that God could help all of this fall into place. My building panic attack was interrupted by my phone alerting me of a text.

  Cam: Hey girl, miss your face.

  Bless her, I swear she has ESP.

  Me: Hey. I needed to hear that.

  Cam: You’re so needy.

  I smiled at her jab.

  Cam: So are we still on for dinner tonight? Todd canceled, surprise, surprise.

  My heart constricted. Todd had been slowly pulling his way out of my life. I knew it was hard for him to see me with Sawyer, but I thought by now he’d move on.

  Me: Ya. Dinner is here at six. You and Colby then? Todd is freaking me out.

  Cam: We will be there

  Cam: Todd is such a head case right now, you have no idea.

  Me: This is because of me…

  Cam: Narcissistic much?

  I rolled my eyes.

  Me: You know what I mean.

  Cam: I think it’s a lot of things. We’ll talk more tonight. Gotta go! xoxo

  Me: Love ya.

  I sighed. I wasn’t sure how to fix this situation with Todd. One minute he’s fine and the next, he’s pulling away. I needed to have a heart-to-heart with him. I started to dial his number when the front door slammed. I jumped ten feet, the sound almost made me drop my phone.

  “Sweetheart?” I squeaked. The weighty sound of Sawyer’s boots hitting the hard wood made me smile. It was a sound I grew to love. While he was gone, even though only for a few days, the silence was deafening. I don’t think I could live my life without hearing those footsteps, his steps coming home. “You okay?” Sawyer walked into the kitchen. He was alone.

  “No. I’m not okay, but I think I will be.” He roughly ran his palm over the top of his head. His hair was disheveled as if he’d done this motion a lot. “Holy shit, Liz, my mom… my mom… ” He looked down at the ground. His posture normally tall was slumped. I walked over to him quickly enveloping his waist with my arms, I pulled him close. My cheek rested against his hard chest.

  “I know.” I felt his body quake with control. I could tell he was trying to hold back his true emotional state.

  “She’s so different, Liz. She’s strong, I’ve never seen this side of her. I resent it a little. Where was that strength when I needed it? Where was it?” His words a low growl. I looked up to see his eyes and noticed his jaw was ticking.

  “She’s trying to make amends?” It was a question not a statement.

  “She is. I want to, but it’s going to be a long road, I think. Parts of me are happy. The naïve part of me feels like I can’t wait to just throw all that pent up shit away. Just start over, you know? But this…” he pulled away from me to point at his head, “knows better. I want to trust again, so damned bad. She knows, she’s willing to wait. I feel like a real asshole though. She forgave me already and I’m harboring all this bullshit.” He shook his head in defeat.

  “Sawyer,” I said sternly. “Look at me. She never needed to forgive you. You did what you had to… to escape, to escape him. She did as well. Let yourself be forgiven, or I’m afraid you’ll drown in your guilt till there’s no happy end to any of this.” He closed his eyes as if my words were injuring him. “Listen to me, you’ve come so far. Let her be sorry for what she’s done, or didn’t do, let yourself forgive Sawyer. Heal, heal for you and no one else.” I reached on my tip toes and placed a soft kiss on his warm lips. I tasted the salt of his tears that had quietly fallen. This man was a beautiful, shattered mess. He was strong and weak, hard and tender, raw and pure, all wrapped up in this miraculous package.

  His strong hands met my cheek and deepened the kiss. He tasted my love for him upon his tongue. He pulled away from my lips and sighed.

  “You’re incredible, you know that, right?” He smirked at his repetitive statement. “You always know how to make me feel better.” He leaned down, his hot breath caressed my ear c
ausing goose bumps to erupt down my neck and arms. “I love you,” he whispered.

  “I love you, too,” I smiled and kissed his lips quickly before I spoke again, “Promise me you’ll try to work this out, give her, your mom, a chance.”

  He regarded me with tired eyes. “I will.” He smiled a small almost triumphant grin. The knots in my stomach untied. I knew then, he was ready, ready to start loving himself, feeling free and best of all, feeling healed.

  The smell of onions and peppers assaulted my senses as I walked out of the shower. Elizabeth had started dinner for tonight. I had mixed feelings about hanging out with everyone. I wanted to talk to Elizabeth about what my mother and I had discussed. She already knew that we decided to work things out, but I hadn’t yet told her about my mother’s other plans. My mother told me she had spent the last year trying to get evidence against my father. She wanted him to finally be held accountable for everything. She secured my medical records, pictures of some of my more serious ‘sports’ injuries. I knew this so-called ‘evidence’ would do nothing. He made sure of that a long time ago.

  I quickly got ready for the evening and I hesitated by the door. My thoughts on the conversation I’d had with my mother, her face as I told her the memory of the young dead girl, my mother’s eyes lit with fear and recognition.

  “Sawyer, why did you keep this a secret?” my mother spoke softly as if someone could hear.

  “I didn’t remember until recently. Like I said, Dad knocked me out. That day was blurry and I think, as crazy as it sounds, I blocked it on purpose.”