Besides, I didn’t know how Lola would respond. I’d risk driving her away for good if I moved too quickly. It had taken guts for her to come here tonight, to admit that I’d had a point. She was putting herself out there to be my friend, but would she even want anything more?
And if I was wrong about how I felt…if this was some rebound response to the breakup, if this wasn’t the real deal that it felt like...what then?
Lola’s eyes were wide, her kisses while perfect were clearly untutored. I didn’t have to ask to know she’d never been in a relationship. The girl was inexperienced in every sense of the word.
If I was wrong, she’d be hurt.
So I swallowed down my instinctual response and gave a half shrug, which was all my sling would allow. “I…don’t know.”
It was a lame answer and she knew it.
I tried to smooth it over, aiming for cool confidence as I added. “Tonight’s not the right time to make my move.” This was true, although I knew very well that she thought I was referring to Eleanor.
I was not.
Lola let out a little sigh, and I heard her mutter under her breath, “I shouldn’t have come.”
I ignored that. I might not be able to tell her that I wanted her. Not yet, at least. But I could show her. I could give her time to get to know me, to show her what it could be like between us if this thing were real.
I leaned forward as if letting her in on a secret and lowered my voice. “All I know is, I have a serious problem.”
She blinked up at me at the sudden shift in my attitude. I’d gone from serious to teasing and I knew she sensed it by the way her lips automatically twitched up at the corners, her eyes already starting to light up with mischief. “Oh yeah?” she said. “And what’s that?”
I took a small step forward, closing the distance between us, and was happy to see that she didn’t try to back away. “Well, you see, it’s New Year’s Eve…” I said with arched brows, loving the way her smile grew in response.
“I heard something about that,” she said. “It’s a holiday, right?”
I nodded, feigning seriousness. “Indeed, it is. You see, there’s a tradition involved in this particular holiday.”
“Oh yeah?”
I met her gaze. “A guy’s supposed to kiss his date at midnight.”
I heard her breath hitch at the mention of a kiss and for a second my heart stuttered in response. Was that a good hitch or bad?
But then I saw the color seep into her cheeks, a warm rosy glow as she bit her lower lip. It wasn’t dread that had her nibbling on her lip, but anticipation. Whatever she was feeling was nothing compared to the surge of excitement I felt.
But I played it cool, shifting so I could better meet her gaze at this close range. “The problem is…I sort of promised my date I wouldn’t kiss her again.”
“Ah,” Lola said, sweetly going along with my stupid routine. “How unfortunate for you.”
I grimaced. “So you can see my predicament.”
She nodded. “I can.”
After a torturous silence that seemed to last a decade, Lola grinned. “Well, maybe we can make an exception. You know, for the sake of tradition.”
I held back a whoop of triumph as I returned her smile. “Oh yeah? You’d do that for me?”
Her tongue darted out to wet her lips as she arched an eyebrow. “Maybe we could change the rule to no kissing without prior permission.”
I pretended to think it over. “Yeah, that should work.” I leaned in a little closer, wanting to see every glint in her eye as I closed the distance so we were very nearly kissing. “And I have your permission to kiss you tonight? At midnight?”
Her eyes were so dark they reflected the moonlight as she nodded.
I wanted to kiss her right then and there.
But I didn’t.
I refrained.
Look at me exhibiting willpower. Go me, looking out for someone else’s best interests.
What was it El had said? Lola made me want to be a better person. Freakin’ hell, she was right. I wanted to do right by Lola. I wanted to make her feel wanted, like she belonged somewhere.
Like she belonged with me.
I didn’t want to mess this up, because more than anything I wanted this thing between us to be real. I wanted it to be good.
Chapter Ten
Lola
The first week of a new year was too good to be true. It was like my former life came to an end along with the last year and I woke up on New Year’s Day a new person.
Well, not a new person. But I definitely had a new life.
On New Year’s Day, I had a date. That had certainly never happened before. Lucas seemed to think it was imperative that I come along on a group hang, and he offered to suffer his way through some more swing dance lessons in exchange.
So that’s how I ended up spending the first day of a new year in the company of the hottest, most popular guy at school.
And I had fun.
Too much fun.
What’s too much fun, you might ask? My time with Lucas. Every time I was with him it was too entertaining, too heady, too easy to forget that this thing between us wasn’t real.
And it wasn’t, right?
Of course it wasn’t.
He dropped me off at my house that evening and he didn’t kiss me goodnight. He didn’t ask for permission and I didn’t volunteer it. So we just stood there in front of my door.
The guy walked me to the door but he didn’t kiss me.
What the hell was that? What did it mean?
It meant this wasn’t real, you dope.
I scolded myself as I stared at the ceiling, listening to the sounds of a sleeping house. Of course this wasn’t real. That was the deal. We’d made an agreement. A pact. I’d pretend to be his girlfriend and he’d take me to the dance club.
But then again…what had he meant the night before when he’d said he didn’t know what he wanted? Why hadn’t he leapt on the chance to steal Eleanor back?
So many questions…questions I should have asked him, if not on New Year’s Eve, then earlier that day when we were practicing dancing or when he was driving me home from the diner where we’d met up with his friends.
I should have. The questions were right on the tip of my tongue. But I chickened out. There was one question in particular, one that nagged at me…
What do you want? He’d never given me an answer that day.
I toyed with the edge of my covers, fidgeting as I berated myself for being a chicken. Why hadn’t I insisted that he answer?
Maybe…
I sighed at the ceiling. Maybe because I was afraid he’d turn around and ask me the same. What do you want?
I mean, aside from “world peace” and a trophy from the World Swing Dance council, it wasn’t an easy question to answer.
Even harder to answer was: what did I want from Lucas?
There was no denying the fact that I enjoyed being around him. It was useless to deny that I wanted him to kiss me again.
But did I want more than that?
My breath caught at a memory of the way he’d smiled at me when his friends had started talking about the outfits they planned to wear swing dancing that weekend.
The smile hadn’t been mocking. Or at least, he hadn’t been mocking me. He’d been laughing at his friends, and the joke had been with me. Like we were sharing something, just between the two of us. The whole day had been filled with moments like that. Little whispered comments meant just for me, oddly sweet gestures like holding doors for me and squeezing my hand under the table to show I wasn’t forgotten when the others had shared stories that had happened before I’d arrived.
Things that might have been for show…if anyone had been looking.
Just thinking about those moments made it hard to breathe, and hard to sleep. I must’ve stared up at that ceiling for hours, reliving and reveling, until sleep dragged me under.
That week marked the start of school again. I tried n
ot to be nervous about how this would go down. It was one thing to pretend to be a couple while his close friends were around, and for short periods of time.
I’d gotten used to Eleanor’s presence and she didn’t so much as blink an eyelash at Lucas’s affectionate PDAs with me. She didn’t seem to care. What was more—he didn’t seem to care that she didn’t care. Unless he was a phenomenal actor, he wasn’t upset that his plan was failing. What was I to make of that?
I had no clue. All I knew was, my new life at school bore little resemblance to my pre-Lucas days. First of all, everyone was nice to me.
Everyone.
People who’d never known my name before were calling out to me in the hall. Students who’d looked at me and my clothes with a sneer before turning away were now greeting me with smiles—and that included Blake.
Apparently, from what I could gather, she was fine with me because Eleanor was fine with me.
So, thank you Eleanor? It was impossible to dislike someone as nice as Eleanor but there were moments when I wished I could. It was bad enough that she’d captured Lucas’s heart and held it prisoner, and now I had to be grateful to her for accepting me so easily.
She and Blake flanked me in the hallway on Friday so we could all walk together to the cafeteria.
Yeah, I know. It was weird. I felt like a member of the brat pack or something. Suddenly, with no effort from me, I was a part of some clique that gossiped and made small talk and coordinated outfits.
Well, not really. They were only coordinating clothes for the swing dance event, and it seemed as though I was the go-to expert.
Before I knew what was happening, I was agreeing to help them pick out their outfits.
The world as I knew it was no longer recognizable.
But Eleanor’s kindness and Blake’s inclusiveness—none of that compared to Lucas’s… Lucas’s what?
Sweetness?
No one in her right mind would call the class’s king jock sweet.
“Hey, Candy Cane,” he said, coming up behind me and dropping a kiss on my shoulder as he wrapped his free arm around my waist.
There was not enough oxygen in this school, in this town…on this planet. I tried not to notice the way he smelled or the way his arm around me had become a natural weight. One that felt right when it was there and one I missed when it was gone.
“We were talking about the dance this weekend,” Eleanor informed him, once again like it was totally normal for him to be kissing me in front of her. And I supposed it had become old hat. We never made out in the hallways or anything, but he was always affectionate with me at school—in the hallways, the cafeteria, even in class when he’d slip me notes.
After a week of the showy PDA, no one blinked an eye at the casual kiss on my shoulder. This all was just too normal for everyone but me.
“Can’t wait,” Lucas said, and I could have sworn I heard his teasing grin in his voice. He was so damn smug over the fact that he’d been true to his word. He’d made swing dancing cool among his friends, without so much as trying. He’d just said he was doing it and boom, it was cool.
That should have been more aggravating than it was. His conceited smugness should have made me irate.
Instead, I found it…adorable.
When had this happened? When had I softened toward him so much and how could it be undone?
It couldn’t. It was an irreversible crush.
There was no use in denying it any longer.
I had a crush on Lucas. The school’s popular hottie. The star quarterback.
Oh God, I was now the epitome of a high school girl cliché. I was like them.
Eleanor and Blake, the them in question were currently watching us closely. Scratch that. They were watching me. In my horror over the dawning realization that I was crushing on my fake boyfriend, I’d tuned out the conversation.
Eleanor took pity.
Eleanor, it seemed, always took pity. “I was just telling Blake how you’ve joined the dance committee. We have a meeting today after school…you’ll be there, right?”
“Uhhh…” I croaked in reply. I’d forgotten all about my interfering mother and the fact that she’d signed me up for this stupid committee in an attempt to help me make friends.
I looked at the three popular A-listers gathered around me. If only my mother knew. I didn’t need her help getting in with these guys.
I needed someone to get me out.
My incoherent squawking had the three of them focused on me with varying degrees of confusion and concern. Blake was eyeing me like I was about to keel over from a stroke and she wanted no part of that scene.
“I can’t,” I finally managed. “I need to catch the bus.”
This was true. We only had one class left this afternoon. There wasn’t enough time for me to get ahold of my grandfather and switch the schedule.
“I can give you a ride,” Lucas said.
“Great, it’s settled then,” Eleanor said before I could protest. “We’ll see you after school.”
“No,” I said quickly. “I mean…” I looked from Eleanor to Lucas, and wished I hadn’t. His eyes were narrowed as he watched me. Studied me. He saw right through me.
“I have to get home to babysit,” I finished. I let out a sigh of relief as Eleanor’s pretty smile faded.
“Oh, bummer,” she said.
Yeah, real bummer. Missing a dance committee meeting was a real tragedy. I’d have to forego the next phase of my cult initiation into the popular crowd.
Eleanor and Blake started to walk away, though Eleanor turned back to remind me that she’d see me at her house the next afternoon so we could get ready for the club together. As a group.
Because apparently that was the kind of thing I did now.
I couldn’t bring myself to argue even though my stomach was churning at the thought of any more pretending.
“You all right?” Lucas asked, his voice low in my ear as we both watched the other girls walk away.
Was I all right? No! I needed a timeout. I needed life to go back to normal, or at the very least to slow down for five seconds so I could catch my breath. I needed the room to stop spinning every time Lucas was near, I needed my heart to stop pounding every time he touched me, and I needed him to kiss me in a big way. Just one more time.
I was now a Lucas-kissing addict, and I couldn’t get enough.
That more than anything made me want to cry. Why, God, why? Of all the jocks in all the high schools, why did I have to go and fall for this one?
He reached his good arm up and gently cupped my cheek in a move that was at once so jarring and so familiar, I didn’t know what to make of it. “Hey,” he said again. “What is it?”
I met his gaze. This was it. This was my chance to get answers to the questions that were making my gut churn and my heart race.
Say it. Ask him now. Do you still want Eleanor? No, that wasn’t the question I really wanted to ask. That was the cowardly question, the subtle, beat-around-the-bush question. The real question was…Do you want me?
The words were there, on the tip of my tongue, but I lost my courage. “Nothing’s wrong. I just have to babysit tonight.”
This was the truth. Sort of. I had to watch my brothers later tonight, not right after school. It was the truth-ish.
He narrowed his gaze further until he was peering at me. His good arm was still loosely around my waist, so we looked like an honest-to-God couple to everyone passing us in the hallway.
The thought made me wistful, sad, and uncomfortable all at once.
It was confusing.
All of this was confusing.
“You’re not all right,” he said.
My throat grew tight and my mouth went dry.
“Something’s wrong.” His brow furrowed and I knew the questions would keep coming unless I gave him some sort of answer.
“Of course something’s wrong,” I snapped, pulling away from the arm that held me to him. “I’m on a dance commit
tee, with Eleanor and Blake.” I arched my brows. “What about that sounds right?”
His lips twitched up with amusement but he pretended not to understand why I’d be horrified at the idea of being part of some stupid, cliquey dance committee alongside the most popular girls in our class. “I don’t know,” he said slowly. “You might like it. You like dancing.”
I blinked at him. “Did you learn that logic from my mother?”
He leaned in close and lowered his voice. “I learned a lot from your mother last night.”
I let out a snort of reluctant amusement, because while his tone was ludicrously pervy, what he’d said was probably true. He’d been at my house the night before, and he and my mother had spent an inordinate amount of time bonding. I’d caught snippets of the conversation while Grandpa and I cooked dinner, and it was enough to know that my mother had given Lucas a thorough recap of my childhood, if not a detailed life story.
Lucas had been egging her on, otherwise I would have felt sorry for the guy.
Instead, I’d felt sorry for me. But Grandpa wouldn’t let me eavesdrop for long. We’d had a dinner to prepare, and a new, uninvited guest to feed. Lucas had offered to give me a ride home to keep up the pretense that we were dating, but once there we’d had another dance lesson—Lucas was very serious about not looking ridiculous in front of his friends—and then dance lessons had turned into dinner.
I’d thought he was going to leave after enduring a dinner with my brothers who talked nonstop, my mother who needed to learn the meaning of TMI, and my grandfather who laughed at us all from his spot at the head of the table.
But no. Lucas hadn’t left. Grandpa had announced that he’d recorded Swing Time for me, which was one of my all-time favorite movies, and Lucas had decided to stick around to see what all the fuss was about.
And that was how I’d spent the evening. On the couch, in the dark…with my fake boyfriend.
My fake boyfriend who was watching me now with a teasing smile that made my heart do a tap dance that put Fred Astaire to shame.
I backed away from him, hating the way he had this effect on me and hating even more that I had no idea if he felt the same.
Most of all, I hated that I was too much of a coward to ask. Do you want me? Is this real? Are you falling for me like I’m falling for you?
The Candy Cane Kiss: Briarwood High Series Page 12