Nobody Loves a Bigfoot Like a Bigfoot Babe

by Simon Okill

  "Still looks like a sauna to me," Willis insisted, knowing the lunatic might flip any moment now.

  "You FBI got no imagination. I tell you they were Swedish-looking aliens, and they modeled the rooms of their spaceship from an IKEA catalog." Walt looked serious.

  Merlot, trying desperately not to laugh, asked "Why do you think they were Swedish aliens, Mister Flucker?"

  Walt groaned out loud, "I didn't say they was Swedish, just Swedish-looking . . . but FYI, their planet is called Abba, and they played Abba real loud all the time . . . their favorite tune was Super Trouper."

  Merlot exploded with a fit of the giggles.

  Rose could plainly see the rage on her husband's face. She tried to defuse the situation.

  "Care for some sushi?" She smiled sweetly. "It's what the aliens gave Walt to eat. They told him he would remain healthy, and . . . you know . . . ready for you-know-what if he ate it all the time." She giggled like a schoolgirl on her first date. "My love bunny eats nothing else now."

  Willis stared in disbelief at Walt for several moments. Didn't the asshole know that sushi was a Japanese meal? He knew the best thing to do was to leave without getting in too deep with Walt Flucker concerning his alleged alien abduction. However, he couldn't resist one more jab at the crazy coot.

  Willis said, "I read your statement on your abduction. You say that you saw the real Elvis Presley on board the spaceship and that he had been replaced on earth by a clone."

  Walt glared at Willis, with a mean look in his eye and shouted, "I know what you're doing-you're trying to piss me off, asshole."

  Merlot gave her partner a discreet tap on the arm. "Enough said, Willis. Let's move on."

  Willis didn't make any attempt to leave the room. He had upset Walt and it felt good. He gave Walt a thin smile.

  But the smile soon left Willis' face when Walt stood up in the hot tub to reveal an extremely hairy body—so hairy it covered his goods. That's what was different about Walt!

  Merlot looked away, holding her mouth as if to puke, "Hairy guys are so icky . . . that's so gross."

  Walt started to chuckle at Willis' and Merlot's unease, "Before I was abducted, I barely had a hair on my body . . . now look at me . . . I think they're changing me into a Swedish Sasquatch."

  Willis wrinkled his nose in disgust and looked askance at his partner who had started to snigger again. "I am surrounded by idiots."

  Merlot continued to snigger. "I'm beginning to so love this town."

  Willis didn't say another word. He turned and left the spaceship to the Fluckers.

  Merlot faltered instead of hurrying after her partner, exclaiming, "Hey, I was having fun." Before she left the spaceship, she turned and snapped Walt in all his glory with her phone.

  WILLIS SAT BEHIND the wheel of their car, waiting for Merlot with clenched fists.

  Merlot hopped into the passenger seat, fiddling with her phone.

  Willis looked at the cell phone and up at Merlot's concentrating face, "What the hell you sending now?"

  Willis leaned over to get a better look, but his partner covered the cell phone with her hand.

  Merlot gave Willis a cheeky look and shrugged, "Couldn't help it . . . sorry." She put her cell phone in her jacket pocket and turned to Willis, "You know something . . . if I was Beau, I would have run away a long time ago with parents as nuts as that."

  Willis gave a weary sigh and nodded his head in agreement.

  "Where to now, Massah?" she said in a Roots voice.

  "What have I said about that slave shit?" Willis started the engine and drove off down Mill Road and back to the sheriff's department.

  18

  IN A DARK ROOM, a large flat screen TV displayed Debbie's camcorder disc. The antics of the teenagers were there for all to see.

  "Freeze that!" Willis ordered. "No, not that frame. Scan back." He shouted excitedly, "That's it!" He got up from his chair and walked up to the flat screen, pointing to a blurred image in the dark woods. "Zoom in on that." He hoped it was Duane dressed as a Bigfoot.

  Deputy Dwight clicked the mouse of the laptop and squared off the area Willis had pointed at.

  The image, although more blurred than ever, showed a furry shape lurking behind the offending tree.

  Willis stepped back to get a better look, "Hello, Duane-o." He turned with a triumphant gleam in his eye.

  Sheriff Lou shook her head with dismay, "You cannot expect me to believe that's Duane." She gave Willis a look of disdain. "That could be anything."

  Merlot chuckled, "Yeah, Bigfoot."

  Sheriff Lou got up and switched on the lights. She nodded to Dwight to stop the film.

  She opened a door to a side interrogation room and beckoned, "Okay, you three, come on in."

  Sheriff Lou, the two FBI agents, Beau's friends and Deputy Dwight-who was also there to take notes, sat around a circular table with the closed laptop on it and several mugs of stale coffee, and a plateful of stale doughnuts.

  Debbie was adamant to Willis. "It's just like we told the sheriff. Beau went to . . . you know, take a pee behind a tree, and that was the last we saw of him."

  Willis said in his regulation, matter-of -fact voice, "Look, Debbie, we've seen the evidence. Underage drinking and smoking joints is against the law."

  Chad nervously giggled. "We'd never do anything like that, Agent Johnson . . . honest."

  "Better put us on the top ten most wanted list," Naomi said with a snigger.

  Willis regarded Chad with a cold, disparaging look. "Giggle all you like, but if all of you are involved in this charade, be warned, the FBI does not take kindly to having their precious time wasted."

  Chad looked desperately to Sheriff Lou. He shook his head.

  "Sheriff, I'm telling the truth. Beau's not fooling around this time."

  LOU DIDN'T ANSWER Chad's comment. Her full attention was focused on Willis. She leaned forward to put her elbows on the table and rest her chin in her hands. Her thoughts were elsewhere, in another time, long, long, ago, when things had been so perfect between her and Willis.

  Ever since she first saw Willis win the pennant for their high school football team, she knew he was the one. She remembered at the tender age of fifteen plucking up the courage to dance with him at the school celebration party. He dared to kiss her. She was in love. For the next two years she and Willis dated in secret as her father was the sheriff at the time and had a penchant for scaring away her boyfriends. Only Duane knew what was going on between them.

  During their last summer break, she, Willis and Duane spent a night camping out in the woods. Whether it was the moonlight or sharing a tent together which sparked things off between them, she suspected the latter, but they ended up cuddling and kissing while Duane conveniently went off into the woods to see if he could spot a Bigfoot. And the inevitable almost happened. With a sigh of regret, Lou recalled frantically fumbling with Willis' jeans, but then something curious happened.

  Strange animal howling echoed around the forest-howling that was now familiar. Lou was frightened and re-buttoned her blouse. Willis became alerted to the sound of heavy feet crunching through the undergrowth. They both scrambled from the tent to see what it was, but there was nothing to be seen, not even Duane. That was it, her chance with Willis had come and gone for he left town soon after.

  Lou often wondered what would have happened if they'd have done it and she'd gotten pregnant, and how their lives would have changed. She would never have become sheriff and Willis would never have left Big Beaver and joined the FBI. Willis would have done the right thing and they would have gotten hitched.

  She sighed inwardly at the thought of the domestic bliss she might have had then quickly brushed it aside. Her life had taken a different direction. She was the town sheriff. She wouldn't change her life for anything, not even for him. Or would she?

  But here he was after all this time. She wondered if he still had feelings for her.

  "You know what happened to the boy who cri
ed wolf?" Willis warned in his stern voice.

  Chad turned away from ogling Merlot's body. He was adamant, "So what? I'm telling you . . . Bigfoot or some nut job has taken Beau this time."

  Merlot replied with a smirk, "I thought you told the sheriff you didn't know who or what had taken Beau?"

  Chad sounded exasperated. "We can change our minds … can't we?"

  Willis raised his eyebrows. "Don't you kids realize how serious this is?"

  "How serious can Bigfoot taking Beau get?" Naomi asked Merlot.

  Willis asked the big one, "Is Duane in on this?"

  Chad shook his head no, emphatically, "No way, man."

  Throughout the questioning, Lou had allowed her thoughts to wander but she'd been aware of what had been said. She knew they would get nothing more out of Beau's friends.

  She gave an exasperated shake of her head, "That's it . . . you can all leave now."

  The teenagers were slow to make a move.

  "Out!" Lou shouted with a finger pointed to the door.

  The teenagers exchanged glances, shrugged their shoulders, got up and without another word leisurely left the room.

  Willis nodded to Merlot, "Come on . . . time to pay a visit to an old friend."

  19

  AT ABOUT THE SAME TIME Willis and Merlot got nothing during the interrogation, Olaaa sat on her haunches at the edge of a small clearing in the woods, eating from a piece of bark full of wild berries. She allowed the afternoon sun to bathe her in its warmth, exaggerating the beautiful dapples of gold in her fine hair. Behind her right ear she wore a white dog rose indicating she was in love.

  Olaaa bleated, "wooooooo-wooooooo —wooooooo."

  * * *

  GRIZZLE-FACED BOB and Chuck, the two hunters last seen at Annie's Diner, were dressed in army fatigues and peaked caps and wore green face paint. They cautiously walked up to the edge of the same clearing with their rifles at the ready.

  As yet, they were unaware that a Bigfoot was nearby. Their army fatigues were covered with foliage to further camouflage them, as if an animal wouldn't think it strange seeing a bush walking through the forest.

  The hunters didn't speak to each other, only signaling with hand movements in a military style. They didn't want to be heard by any unsuspecting creature that might be within range of their rifles. Only the sound of undergrowth being snapped beneath their sturdy boots gave their presence away.

  THE SOUND OF UNDERGROWTH snapping should have alerted Olaaa—she knew to be wary of pale ones, but Olaaa was distracted with her feast of berries and thoughts of her plaything.

  She was in love for the first time in her life, and it had to be with a pale one. Poor Olaaa had no choice really for there was only one adult male to ten adult females in Olaaa's Bigfoot pride-of which, Olaaa would soon make an 11th adult female. Olaaa's desperate eye had strayed outside her own species, but to mate with a pale one was forbidden. She went about her business, happy in the knowledge that she had found her perfect mate in her beautiful Boo. The trick was to keep him a secret.

  Olaaa mewed, "wooooooo-wooooooo-wooooooo."

  BOB AND CHUCK stealthily avoided as many twigs as possible as they skirted the edge of the clearing, and homed in on the strange animal noise that sounded more like an eagle owl than anything else.

  TEEELAAA SQUATTED on her haunches eating bright red berries, not too far from the same clearing.

  She sniffed the air and giggled as only a Bigfoot could, "Sfsfsfsfsfsfs."

  Crouched out of sight was Maaawooo, a massive, muscular, seven-foot-tall, Bigfoot with greasy, slick black hair. It was quite apparent Maaawooo was rampant for Teeelaaa's ripeness, blatantly on offer. His overly eager thruster frantically twitched for the most beautiful of all Bigfoot babes. Maaawooo called out, "wooooooooo-wooooooo."

  Teeelaaa heard the call and replied, "Woooooooeeeeeoooo." She excitedly rubbed a handful of berries over her moist lower regions.

  Maaawooo grabbed a handful of berries from a bush and rushed off to Teeelaaa. He burst through the thickets and did a kind of Bigfoot Boogie around his mate-more like a salsa. Maaawooo held out a palm full of red berries and moved his hips from side to side in a provocative manner-thus revealing his rampantly large, bright pink thruster, indicating his desire to mate.

  Teeelaaa looked at his chubby and giggled, "Sfsfsfsfsfsfsfsf."

  She hesitated to accept his gift. Sometimes she liked to play hard to get, just to tease Maaawooo.

  "Weeeeooooeeee," she bleated submissively.

  Maaawooo began to push his groin forward, causing his thruster to swing slightly from side to side.

  Teeelaaa smiled flirtatiously, taking the berries from his hand. She started to back slowly away, taunting him with her dark blue eyes. She shook her head no. She was still playing hard to get, slapping away Maaawooo's awkward grasps at her swinging suckle-bumps.

  OLAAA FELT THE URGE to doodoo. She tossed the bark aside, dug a deep enough hole, and squatted over it. After a few strains of the hips, Olaaa had finished her business. She pushed the loose earth back over the two foot dropping then walked into the meadow. She sat down and slid across the grass to wipe her bottom from leftover doodoo. At that moment her nostrils began to twitch as her olfactory senses detected the foul stink of strange pale ones. She took a big sniff. It wasn't Duane. He had a familiar scent that she had become accustomed to, not unlike her own. This odor was unfamiliar and dangerous. She knew she was in danger.

  She jumped to her feet, screeching, "Eeeeeeeeee!"

  Her hair prickled and fluffed up, making her seem twice her size. In fear for her life, Olaaa ran from the edge of the clearing and back into the welcome embrace of the forest.

  BOB AND CHUCK stood up in total surprise. They both knew what would happen if they bagged a Bigfoot-they'd be rich and famous.

  The hunters opened fire at the sight of the fleeing Bigfoot, without any thought to the ramifications of depriving the scientific community of investigating a living example of a species hitherto deemed nonexistent. Thankfully, bullets splintered saplings all around the Bigfoot as it made good its escape.

  OLAAA FELT A SHARP pain in her shoulder as a bullet found its mark. Olaaa gave a shrill cry, "Eeeeeeeeeeee."

  She was very afraid now. Her heart pounded as she ran for her life. Tears filled her eyes. She didn't want to be shot at any more, but more bullets zinged past her.

  "Eeeeeeee," Olaaa screamed, smashing through the forest, ignoring her injured shoulder and thorns from brambles that ripped clumps of hair from her body.

  * * *

  TEEELAAA WAS FINALLY READY. She got down on all fours and put her face to the grass, lifting her buttocks for Maaawooo to get an eyeful of moist, red nether regions.

  With wild abandonment, Maaawooo tossed his berries away then slammed his twitching pink, thruster deep into Teeelaaa's quivering ripeness.

  "Wooooooooo-wooooooo-woooooo," he bleated with every thrust.

  "Woooooeeeeeooooo-woooooeeeeeooooo," Teeelaaa bleated in unison to Maaawooo's thrusting hips.

  Teeelaaa suddenly rolled to her side, almost twisting Maaawooo's love member off as she heard Olaaa's cries and gunshots.

  Maaawooo clutched his thruster which had twisted like a corkscrew and screamed, "Eeeeeooooeeee."

  Olaaa's calls of danger echoed through the forest, followed by more rifle fire.

  In a panic, Teeelaaa grabbed hold of Maaawooo's arm, "Eeeeeeee."

  The Bigfoot lovers' hair puffed out with alarm. They ran off into the woods in the direction of familiar swirling smoke drifting from the tree tops.

  THE HUNTERS HOLLERED and whooped with joy. Bob and Chuck tracked the obvious Bigfoot signs through the dense undergrowth. Bob lifted his fingers. Bigfoot blood!

  Chuck was excited, "Jeez, Bob, we're gonna be so fucking rich."

  Bob agreed, "Oh yeah. Come on, let's finish the job."

  20

  DUANE HEARD THE DREADFUL SOUND of gunshots. He was relaxing on the sofa, wearing his tartan long-jo
hns and reading that week's TV guide, even though he didn't have a TV as his home had no electricity. He just liked to keep up on celebrity gossip.

  He felt a sudden rush of panic and dread at the sound of the gunshots. He tossed the magazine onto the floor and got up off the sofa in one agile, fluid movement as he heard frantic Bigfoot panic cries.

  "Eeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeee."

  He rushed over to the side cabinet situated next to the cabin door. His rifle was beside the cabinet, propped against the wall. He checked the breach. It was loaded. His hands trembled as he held the hated thing. There was anguish in his eyes.

  At the sound of another gunshot followed by more Bigfoot screams, Duane flung open the cabin door and stepped out onto the porch to determine from what direction the shots were coming.

  OLAAA LOOKED UP to see the friendly swirls of smoke from Duane's cabin. Safety was so very close. Bang! Another bullet snapped a sapling less than an inch from her.

  "Eeeeeeeee!" She crashed through the undergrowth towards the safety of Duane's cabin. She mewed as the hunters were getting closer.

  Olaaa let out a loud desperate cry, "Eeeeeaaaaoooooeeeeaaaoooooeeee."

  A fearful Teeelaaa and Maaawooo joined her as they fled from the danger of the hunters. The three Bigfoot ran through the undergrowth, treading heavily, causing twigs and branches to break in their path, leaving an easy trail to follow.

  THE HUNTERS' PACE had slowed. They were both winded and had lost sight of their Bigfoot. They faltered and looked at each other.

  Bob scanned the woods around him looking for any sign of Bigfoot. He listened. He frowned.

  "It looked real to me . . . but what if it was old Duane-o?"

  Chuck nodded his head no, "Nah, couldn't be Duane-o. He don't make that sound when he's been shot."