Nobody Loves a Bigfoot Like a Bigfoot Babe

by Simon Okill

  Maaawooo grinned as he caught the bottle and frantically looked around for something suitable to carry it in so his hands would be free. He growled. He beamed with large yellow teeth. He saw Duane's old moth-eaten rucksack lying on the floor. Maaawooo grabbed the rucksack and took a peek inside. He tossed a set of Duane's dirty Bigfoot duds on the floor and stuffed both bottles into it. He heard a loud clink. Maaawooo gave Teeelaaa a worried look. He picked the rucksack up and could see it was dry. That was a close call.

  Maaawooo slung the woooo-woooo sack over a massive shoulder and in his excitement at the thought of some wild mating he forgot to open Duane's rear door from the kitchen. He smashed straight through the flimsy door which shattered like kindling.

  Teeelaaa and Olaaa looked at the mess they had made. Olaaa giggled. Teeelaaa grabbed her hand and followed Maaawooo, skipping and jigging to the salsa music still playing loudly from Duane's living room.

  The three Bigfoot headed back to their secret home, deep in the forest where no pale one, except Duane of course, had seen.

  But Maaawooo's thruster got all a-twitching and frisky. He diverted the babes into a well-known Bigfoot clearing used for woooo-woooo purposes.

  A NEAR-FULL MOON illuminated Olaaa as she sat on a large boulder amid the trees, looking up at the twinkling stars in the clear night sky. She sighed heavily. Tears filled her eyes as she listened to the loud grunts and howls coming from behind a thicket. She longed to mate with her plaything. A shooting star trailed across the night sky. Olaaa made a wish-that her pale plaything and she would get hitched on the jooobaaa and woooo-woooo their brains out.

  "Woooooeeeeeooooo," she bleated. "Weeeeeooooeeeee-ooooo."

  Olaaa stared at the tiny white flowers in her palm and sniffed them. She sighed deeply, looking up to the heavens.

  "Wooooo-aaaaaa-woooo-eee-oooo," she howled plaintively to the moon.

  Her heart ached for a love she knew deep down she could never have. She was so much in love it hurt. She was overwhelmed with sadness. She saw another shooting star and wished she could be like her plaything and not be a Bigfoot anymore.

  She sighed heavily and cried unaware that Teeelaaa and Maaawooo had stopped their noisy lovemaking and now stood behind her. She felt Teeelaaa's comforting large hand on her shoulder.

  Olaaa looked up into Teeelaaa and Maaawooo's big round, concerned eyes. Olaaa had not told any of her Bigfoot tribe that she had taken her plaything. She feared if they knew they would force her to let him go and chastise her.

  Teeelaaa patted Olaaa's head, mewling pathetically.

  Olaaa forced a sad smile and nodded her head, mewling in unison.

  Maaawooo suddenly looked as though a thunderbolt had struck his ass. He gave a wide grin and went over to the stash of tequila.

  Olaaa watched him rummage inside the rucksack and pull out a bottle. He looked around for something to open it with. He tapped the bottle top on a rock, wiped any glass with a calloused hand and gave it to Olaaa.

  Olaaa snatched the bottled and sniffed its contents. Her twitching snout sensed something was very wrong. She took a sip. She gulped it nearly all down.

  Maaawooo tried to snatch his woooo-woooo prize away from her.

  Olaaa turned from Maaawooo's grasping hand. She knew that Maaawooo was trying to cheer her up by offering her his precious gift. She thought Maaawooo might be right. It would have cheered her up except it tasted just like their local drinking hole.

  Olaaa pouted and spat, "Ftftftftft!" She tossed the almost empty bottle in the air.

  Maaawooo caught the gift and sniffed it. "Ftftftftft!" He gave a low dissatisfied growl on inspection. He ripped open the rucksack and snatched the other bottle. He smashed the top off and drank, spitting out the contents. "Ftftftftft!" He howled to the moon. Duane had out-foxed him. Maaawooo was displeased to say the least.

  Olaaa and Teeelaaa giggled. Olaaa didn't mind the deception, but she knew that Maaawooo would be more than a little miffed with Duane.

  26

  BACK AT ABE'S, WILLIS looked up from his watch and pointed to the entrance, knowing what was about to happen. He smirked at Merlot's look of astonishment as the door to Abe's rowdy establishment opened on Willis' count of "one."

  Sheriff Lou and her four deputies entered meaning business with their guns at the ready. They had a job to do and they were looking tough. The fight continued.

  Willis wanted to laugh, but maintained his serious pose, as Deputy Dwight was shoved to the floor by two brawling females. The deputy slithered on his back as both women rolled across his wobbling girth.

  Lou saw the singing duo on the stage. They had stopped their performance and were looking in her direction. She smiled as she aimed her pistol up at the ceiling and fired.

  The fracas suddenly stopped. All attention focused on the sheriff and her deputies and most of all on the massive Magnum .44 still smoking in Lou's hand.

  The excited Japanese continued to click-click away with their cameras.

  Lou scanned the room with her gun still at the ready. "Okay boys . . . round 'em up."

  Abe walked up to her and checked his watch, "On the nose, as usual, Lou."

  "I aim to serve," she said, swaggering up to the bar. She was engulfed in flashing lights from the Japanese cameras.

  One of the brawlers staggered over to Sheriff Lou. Brad was in his mid-thirties, a good-looking dude—except his eyebrows had been burnt off. Brad held out his hands to be cuffed. He swayed from side to side as he tried to give the sheriff a peck on the cheek. He suddenly grabbed her and planted a passionate one smack on her lips.

  "Marry me, Lou," Brad loudly declared just as the whole place went silent.

  Willis heard Brad's declaration and scowled. So that's it, he thought. It was Brad who wanted to marry Lou. Whoever had written the letter, and that must've been Duane, was right about Brad. Fuck, it would have to be the old sawmill owner's son and second richest guy in town who had taken Lou's heart. At that moment he felt just about as miserable as he could get.

  LOU REARED HER HEAD away from Brad's drunken advances, but not before she got a whiff of his intoxicated breath and strong aftershave.

  "Hey Lou, you can cuff me any time you like now," he slurred.

  Lou smiled and replaced her gun into her holster. With a nod of her head she signaled Deputy Heidi to put the cuffs on the amorous fool.

  Lou didn't wait for Deputy Heidi to cuff Brad. With her hand on the butt of her gun and looking tough she sauntered into the carnage left by the brawling patrons of Abe's Bar and Grill.

  Upturned chairs and tables littered the floor amid broken drinking glasses and bottles of alcohol.

  She soon caught sight of the FBI agents seated at a table. They were looking in her direction. In particular, she focused her attention on Willis. She could well imagine what he'd put in his regulation report to his regulation superiors, and didn't give a regulation fuck.

  As she made her way over to their table, she had to step over several bruised and bloody, drunken Beaverites floundering in her path. It was good to let off steam, she mused. Besides, the tourists, especially the Japanese, loved a good knock-down-drag-out barroom brawl. It was good for business.

  A few paces away from the FBI agents' table, she called out, "Hope you enjoyed our little show."

  A bemused Merlot looked more than a bit incredulous as she blurted out, "The show! You mean all that wasn't for real?" She pointed to the devastation.

  Lou stopped at their table and put her hands on her hips. She grinned. "Sure, some of the punches were genuine, that can't be helped, but the tourists love to see a good, old-fashioned knock-down-drag-out." She pulled out her pistol and waved it about. "Just blanks." She glanced at Willis and gave a faint smile. "Don't need real ammo here."

  "Thought as much," Willis said with a hint of a smirk.

  Lou put her pistol back in her holster and sat down on a chair next to Merlot. Her attention focused on her old flame.

  He was looking directly a
t her. His expression was thoughtful, even on the soft side. Could he be thinking of her? She hoped so.

  Merlot glanced all around her with a look of disbelief. She turned to the sheriff. "I'm in the Twilight Zone."

  Lou smiled at the Japanese cameras aimed at Deputy Heidi man-handling a horny Brad trying to plant a wet kiss on her lips. "This is more like The Outer Limits."

  "You going to lock anyone up?" Merlot asked.

  Lou laughed, "I'll keep the drunkards in jail overnight to sober up, but the rest can go free."

  Merlot continued to look confused. She looked at her partner for further explanation, "Please explain."

  "I remember your father doing exactly the same thing. Nothing much has changed around here," Willis commented.

  Lou didn't reply straight away. Her eyes wandered over his chiseled, handsome face. Her heart skipped a beat. Shit! It hit her like a bullet, right there and then that she still loved the heartless bastard. Really loved him!

  Their eyes met. Lou could feel how warm her cheeks had become. She sensed he was still attracted to her. Was there more to his gaze than just mere attraction? Did he still love her too? Her heart skipped another beat.

  Lou gave a gentle little cough and glanced over to the stage to see Duane and MB being cuffed by Deputy Dwight. She looked back at Willis. Their eyes locked. She quickly avoided eye contact with him and inwardly cursed herself-you idiot-he was the one that left, not you.

  "I like our town just the way it is. We don't get much crime. I know some people might say Big Beaver's a bit backward compared to life in a place like Sacramento . . . but that's the way we Beaverites like it."

  "Not all Beaverites," Willis said dryly.

  "Is that why you left, because nothing much happened in Big Beaver?" Lou gave him a hard look. "Or was there another reason?"

  Willis' gaze lingered on Lou's face, "Maybe."

  Merlot was uncharacteristically silent as she eavesdropped on the sheriff and her partner's conversation.

  Lou sensed Merlot's watchful gaze and directed her attention towards the female agent. "You don't have to be FBI to guess we were once an item, Agent Merlot."

  "Before we arrived I thought it was Annie tugging at Willis' heartstrings," Merlot admitted.

  Willis gave Merlot a deranged glare, "Annie!"

  Merlot giggled, "Okay, I was off track a little." She looked at her partner and smiled. "So what went wrong? Why didn't you two settle down?"

  Willis stiffened in his chair. He gave his partner a withering look, "None of your business."

  As Willis spoke, Deputy Dwight approached with the infamous singing duo cuffed together and looking very pleased about it.

  Lou turned her attention to her deputy and his charges.

  "What should I do with these two?" Dwight asked.

  Duane chuckled, "Nice timing, Lou."

  It was a shame she couldn't arrest them, but the jail was going to be full tonight. She shrugged.

  "How much have you two had to drink?" Lou cringed at Duane's pungent aroma.

  "You know . . . the usual," MB said with a boyish grin. "Old Indian legend tells us that a man who drinks too much falls flat on his face."

  Merlot chuckled at MB's remark, "You know what, Mocking Bird . . . you're full of it."

  MB smiled and nodded his head in agreement.

  "Okay, Dwight . . . let 'em go," Lou said with a sigh.

  Deputy Dwight hesitated. "A little bird told me Duane-o mooned the audience again." The deputy looked pleased with himself. "You gotta arrest him for that."

  Lou tilted her head and looked disparagingly at the lame brain. "Is that true?"

  With a certain amount of pride in his voice, Duane replied, "Sure is, Sheriff. I confess."

  "Damn it to hell, you know I should charge you with indecent exposure."

  The no-brainer solemnly nodded his head and smiled apologetically with that disarming smile of his.

  Yet another warning would have to do, Lou mused. She sighed. "This is absolutely the last time I let you off. Got that?" Knowing full well he'll do it again.

  Duane leaned forward and slapped a big, wet kiss on her full red lips.

  Lou was a sucker for that sweet smile of Duane's. She allowed him to kiss her as she knew it would make Willis mad. She was gratified to see the jealous glare from her first love. It worked! Unfortunately for Lou, the powerful Duane odor hit her full on. She wanted to gag right there. She reared away from Duane's lips.

  Dwight pouted. "But, Sheriff, you said the next time Duane pulled down his duds . . ."

  Lou raised her hand to silence her deputy's objections. "Un-cuff 'em, Dwight." As she spoke her gaze was drawn back towards Willis. They looked into each other's eyes.

  All present could see that the sheriff and Willis had certain feelings for one another.

  MB commented, "Old Indian legend tells us that man who never gets tired of his woman's face, even when she's old and wrinkled, is really in love."

  Duane sighed heavily. "That's so romantic . . . it gets you right here." He put a hand to his heart.

  Dwight sniffed back a tear. "That's a beautiful thing to say. It makes me want to cry."

  MB consoled a teary-eyed Dwight with an arm around his shoulder.

  Merlot focused her attention on the sheriff and Willis.

  MB nudged Dwight and indicated Lou and Willis were in love with a pucker of his lips and fluttering eyelids. He smirked as Dwight wobbled all over as he cried.

  Lou was unaware that all attention was focused on her and Willis. She was all a-tingle with emotion: a hot kind of tingle that meant only one thing-she wanted Willis to do her.

  27

  SHERIFF LOU ENTERED Grace Hotel a little after one in the morning. She was wearing a very sexy black number, slutty, bright red lip gloss and gelled spiky hair. She swayed with intoxication as she walked across the pine-walled lobby covered with stuffed animals. She nodded to the desk clerk and sauntered to the stairs.

  Earlier that day, after returning from Little Beaver, the FBI agents had returned to their booked rooms at the Grace Hotel. They had been given single rooms with an adjoining bathroom. Like the hotel, the rooms were clean, neat and rustic. And as befitting a town with such a strong hunting tradition, stuffed animal heads hung on the walls of all the rooms and stuffed fish in the bathrooms.

  Lou stood outside Agent Willis Johnson's bedroom, staring nervously at the closed door. She hesitated to give the door a knock, knowing that when she did she would be at his mercy, and that she would no longer be in control of the situation.

  He would either tell her to go away or invite her in. If he invited her in, one of two things would happen—they would talk and nothing sexual would happen between them or they would end up tearing each other's clothes off and go at it all night. Whether sex provided the basis for a more lasting relationship, Lou didn't know. She only knew that she wanted some real sex, and Willis was it.

  She glanced down at her boobs poking out from the low-cut dress. She thought perhaps she was looking a tad too slutty. Was she wearing too much make-up?

  She was unsure if Willis liked his women to dress up sexy and wear make-up. She was unsure about so many things concerning Willis. For one thing—and it was a niggling question—was there someone else in his life? If so, then all this would be a complete waste of her time. Lou prided herself on being the type of woman who would never split up couples.

  She took in a deep breath to calm her nerves. She clenched her hands into fists. For one brief moment, Lou hesitated before she knocked at his door, thus perhaps sealing her fate with one gentle tap.

  Was she doing the right thing by throwing herself at him? The voice inside her told her yes. Yes! You still love him. But did Willis love her? Something, women's intuition or even Lou's trusty gut feeling, told her that he did love her. She hoped she was right.

  But first things first, she wanted him between her legs, and it didn't have to be meaningful. She told herself, first sex with Will
is then if things went well she could pledge her undying love for the heartless bastard who had left her without even saying goodbye.

  The hurt was still there. Would it ever go away? There was only one way to find out. But could she forgive him?

  MERLOT WAS IN THE bathroom when she heard the gentle tap on the door of the neighboring room. She was almost ready for bed, wearing a skimpy, black baby doll and shimmering gold panties. She gave her reflection a big smile in the bathroom mirror. She tilted her ear and wondered who was calling on Willis at this time of night?

  She skipped over to the interconnecting door of the bathroom and put her ear to the door. And listened . . .

  THERE WAS ANOTHER GENTLE TAP on the door. Willis was tucked up in bed reading a crime novel. He gave the door an irritated look.

  "Who the fuck is that?" he muttered under his breath.

  He guessed it had to be Duane. If that dumbass tried to give him another kiss he knew he'd have no choice but to punch his lights out.

  With a scowl on his face, Willis got out of bed. He was wearing regulation white boxer shorts and a regulation white t-shirt that showed off his lean physique. He picked his dressing gown up off a nearby armchair and put it on. He wrapped the belt of the dressing gown tightly around his waist as he walked towards the door.

  On opening the door, Willis was met by the sheriff standing in the hallway looking like she wanted to get laid. He looked surprised at seeing Lou looking horny as hell. Willis ran an appreciative eye over Lou's revealing dress.

  As Lou brushed past him into the room without saying a word, he got a strong whiff of her heady, intoxicating perfume, an overdose of pheromones and alcohol.

  He couldn't help but notice how unsteady she was on her feet. He surmised her perfume wasn't the only thing that was intoxicating. Willis hesitated for a few moments before he quietly closed the door, not wanting to wake that nosy partner of his.

  Lou surveyed the bedclothes tossed back and swung around to give Willis a wanton look. She swayed slightly.