Nobody Loves a Bigfoot Like a Bigfoot Babe

by Simon Okill

  Willis broke the silence, "What did you see in the woods, MB?"

  MB was as cautious as an elk on a frozen lake. "Not quite sure . . . just a blur of movement . . . probably a grizzly?"

  He looked away from Willis' intense gaze and stared at the frightful mess all over the floor. Bigfoot footprints were everywhere. His keen eye detected three different sets of Bigfoot prints and several boot prints in the flour. He gave Duane a curious look. Old friend, you've been holding out on me.

  Willis put his empty coffee mug on the log table and asked, "What's in the basement, Duane?"

  Duane colored slightly and shrugged, "Nothing that could be of interest . . . but be my guest if you don't trust me."

  Willis nodded to Duane, "Thanks for the coffee." He indicated to Merlot it was time to leave.

  Merlot dropped her cup on the table and sprang from the sofa with all the eagerness of someone who was desperate to leave. She brushed her suit with her hands.

  Duane was curious, "Was there something else you wanted to ask me, Willis?"

  Willis hesitated by the door as if he were about to ask something. But he shook his head. "It can keep."

  35

  AS SOON AS THE AGENTS DROVE OFF, MB turned to Duane. "Guess what I saw in the woods today."

  Duane shrugged, "No, I can't guess."

  MB narrowed his eyes and looked questioningly at his friend. "I didn't want to say anything in front of the Feds. Didn't want to tell them I saw Bigfoot, not just one Bigfoot, but two and a mean old grizzly in the woods not far from here."

  "Someone else must be dressing up as Bigfoot," Duane replied with a casual shrug.

  MB studied his friend to see if he would give himself away. But no, there was nothing to indicate that Duane wasn't telling the truth. MB realized a long time back that his friend could tell a lie as easy as he could down a glass of beer. But sometimes Duane would get a twinkle in his eye that would give him away.

  "I could have sworn it was you," MB probed. "One of them had your old rucksack."

  Duane shrugged his shoulders and smiled, "I lost it a while back."

  MB looked keenly at his friend. He saw the tell-tale twinkle in Duane-o's eyes and knew that he was holding back. "If you ask me you're involved in one of those kinky, dress-up-as-animals sex things you hear about."

  Duane looked aghast at MB for suggesting such a lewd thing. "Not me!" He looked lecherous, "Got enough on my plate as it is."

  MB studied Duane's smirk for that give-away twinkle of humor in his friend's eye. He got nothing. He felt a little hurt that the Phantom Bigfoot wouldn't confide in his apprentice on such a matter. Even more hurt that his friend hadn't asked him if he'd like to join in on the kinky, animal sex thing. That would be fun.

  MB thought what else he saw in the woods, "Guess who I saw trussed like a turkey?"

  As he spoke he was distracted at what he thought to be movement in the bushes at the edge of the clearing to Duane's property. He stared for a moment with his keen eyesight, but got nothing. Just a raccoon.

  Duane yawned with exhaustion, "Can it wait, MB, I'm real bushed."

  MB shrugged, "Sure thing, buddy." He only wanted to know who could have tied Walt and his buddies to a tree, as butt naked as they were born. It couldn't have been Duane as it would've taken several strong guys to man-handle those three. The thought of man-handling three naked men made MB a little squeamish.

  * * *

  OLAAA SKIRTED THE EDGE of the clearing, staying hidden by the surrounding bushes and trees. There she waited until the pale one had left. After counting off one thousand strides in her head she decided to approach the cabin as quiet as a field mouse just in case Duane had other pale ones inside.

  She walked up to the cabin careful not to make a sound and peered in through a dirty windowpane. She saw Duane asleep on the sofa in his Bigfoot pajamas. There was no one else in the room. She sniffed the air and could clearly discern the strong scent of a pale one leaving the cabin and the foul stench of their four-legged thing. She was sure he was alone.

  Olaaa gently tapped the window with one of her pudgy fingers knowing that if she used her hand she might break the window, as she and her Bigfoot friends had done on several occasions previously.

  Duane didn't stir. He was sound asleep.

  She could tell he was asleep by the sound he was making. Olaaa walked around to the front of the cabin and tried to open the door. It was locked. Olaaa frowned. She scratched her butt and thought a while. Duane had never locked his door before. She gave the door a loud knock being careful not to put her hand through the rotting wood.

  DUANE WOKE TO the loud knock on the door. He licked his dry lips for he still had a hangover. Another loud knock caused him to wince. He glanced at the door and remembered that he'd locked it in case Walt and his buddies managed to free themselves.

  Duane slowly got up from the sofa and walked over to the door. He picked up his rifle.

  "Who's there?"

  There was another loud knock in response to his question.

  Duane thought it had to be one of his Bigfoot friends. He put his rifle down then unlocked the door and opened it.

  "Olaaa," he said with a smile. He beckoned her into the living room with a wave of his hand. "Come on in."

  But Olaaa stood on the porch and hesitated to enter.

  Duane wondered why she was reluctant to come into his home. Was everything alright? He studied her face. She looked upset.

  "Olaaa sick?" he asked, wiping his brow as if sick.

  Olaaa shook her head no and wiped a tear from her eye.

  Duane could feel his concern growing, "Olaaa sad?" He mimicked wiping tears from his eyes.

  Olaaa nodded her head yes. She grabbed hold of Duane's arm and pulled him out onto the porch.

  Duane realized she wanted him to come with her. "Alright I'm coming."

  He fell to the floor as Olaaa dragged him. He didn't have time to put anything on his feet.

  Olaaa dragged Duane from his cabin across the small clearing and into the edge of the woods.

  Suddenly, Duane stopped as Olaaa let him go. He stared wide-eyed at Beau tied to a tree with vines and a gag over his mouth. At first he thought Olaaa must have found Beau and had brought him here. But why tie him up? Had Olaaa taken Beau in the first place?

  The teenager looked desperately at Duane as he struggled to be free of the vines. He muttered and wriggled.

  Duane looked curiously at Olaaa. She had a sheepish look on her face that told him she had been a naughty girl.

  "Olaaa, naughty girl!" he said in a not-too-angry tone of voice, wagging a finger at her. It then occurred to him to help Beau.

  Duane rushed up to Beau and removed the gag from his mouth. "Are you hurt?"

  Beau spat bits of cloth from his mouth. "I'm okay . . . I guess." He glanced curiously at Olaaa.

  Duane started to undo Beau's restraints. He looked at Olaaa, "Did Olaaa take you?" He knew he needed to be real careful what he said to the teenager.

  "Yeah," Beau replied, tugging himself free of the loose vines.

  "Olaaa bad," Duane said a little more sharply.

  Olaaa bleated miserably, "Weeee-woooo-weeee."

  Duane never got annoyed with his Bigfoot friends, but today was different. She had done a very naughty thing.

  "Olaaa bad." He slapped his behind.

  Olaaa looked at Duane with tears in her eyes, and mewed pathetically, "Weeeeeooooo-weeeeeooooo."

  Duane was immediately sorry for telling her off. He turned his attention back to Beau. He wondered if the teenager was aware that Olaaa was a real Bigfoot.

  "She's not a real one, you know."

  Beau looked keenly at Olaaa. "If she ain't real . . . then why are you talking like that? Uh-uh, I think she is for real. That's no costume." He looked back at Duane. "She carried me through the forest for miles and miles. No human, male or female, would have the strength to do that."

  Yeah, well, the kid was right about Olaaa being st
rong, thought Duane with a scratch of his butt. He blew out his cheeks and gave a long sigh. What now? Continue with the façade or should he tell Beau the truth? And if he told him, could the kid keep a secret?

  Duane contemplated the matter with a scratch of his butt. Even if the kid talked and said there were real Bigfoot in the woods, not many people would take him seriously-not with a father like Walt.

  "Okay, she's real," he admitted. "So the big question is . . . can you keep it a secret?"

  "I guess," Beau said sounding a little put out. "What a bummer … I've been abducted by a real Bigfoot and can't blab about it." He shook his head. "That sucks big time."

  "Best you tell people you got lost in the woods or aliens abducted you. Don't mention Olaaa." Duane scratched his butt. "Damn . . . this is real fucked-up. The FBI are involved and if they think you've wasted their time you might be in a whole lot of trouble."

  "Shit . . . that is fucked-up." Beau looked concerned at Olaaa. "I think you've upset her."

  "Good! She's been a very bad girl," Duane said.

  Olaaa began to sob.

  Duane was by nature a forgiving person, but his head was throbbing due to his hangover and he was tired and wanted some Zs.

  "Olaaa bad . . . go!" he shouted, pointing to the forest. "Go!" he insisted.

  Olaaa looked sadly at her pale friend and burst into tears. She hunched her shoulders and turned away from him.

  "You didn't have to speak to her like that, Duane-o."

  Beau sounded quite concerned, thought Duane. Probably the Stockholm Syndrome. What a real no-brainer.

  Duane watched Olaaa skulk away but didn't try to stop her. She'd been a bad girl for taking Beau. And now his big secret would be all over town if Beau decided to blab. That was surely fucked-up! A tear ran down Duane's face at the thought of his Bigfoot friends being carted away by government scientists.

  36

  AGENT WILLIS LOOMED OVER BEAU, who was seated in a chair with a blanket wrapped around him, drinking hot coffee from a large mug with shaking hands.

  Sheriff Lou sat behind her desk looking real pissed.

  Opposite Beau was Duane in scruffy jeans and a t-shirt, leaning against a wall looking nonchalant.

  And sitting on the edge of Lou's desk, giving Beau a hard time with her tough guy act was Agent Merlot with arms crossed.

  As yet, Beau's parents hadn't arrived to claim their son, but Lou had given instructions to Deputy Dwight to give them the good news that their son was back safe and sound in Big Beaver.

  Willis looked dubiously at the teenager, pointing an angry finger. "So . . . that's the story you're sticking to . . . that you simply got lost in the woods?" His tone of voice was his regular matter-of-fact, and somewhat stern with an obvious hint of disbelief thrown in.

  Beau gave Willis a worried glance then turned to Duane who gave him a reassuring smile to continue.

  Willis noticed the faint smile Duane gave Beau. His keen instincts told him that the kid and Duane weren't being truthful as to the facts of Beau's disappearance.

  Beau looked back at Agent Willis. He shrugged his shoulders.

  "How many times do you want me say this?" Beau looked exasperated. "Like I said, I got lost in the woods after eating these weird mushrooms. I went all weird as if weightless and the next thing I remember is coming out of the woods. It was real weird."

  Willis looked at him disbelievingly.

  "You must have eaten more than just mushrooms." Willis demanded.

  Beau nodded his head, "Sure . . . the forest is full of berries and such."

  "And you just found your way to Duane's cabin?" Merlot exclaimed with disbelief.

  Beau looked from one agent to the other. "Like I said before . . . I saw this smoke above the trees and made for it, thinking I'd be safe."

  Duane chipped in, "Yeah, like I said . . . there was this knock on the door and there was Beau, as large as life and looking none-the-worse for his ordeal."

  Sheriff Lou gave Beau and Duane a dubious look and sighed heavily, "That don't cut it guys. I don't believe either of you." She concentrated on Beau, "Are you aware the sheriff's department and the FBI have spent a great deal of time and effort looking for you?"

  Beau smiled apologetically. "So what . . . I mean sorry, but I couldn't help getting lost. I know I must've wandered off, but I can't remember . . . it's all fuzzy."

  The two FBI agents exchanged irritated glances, but didn't speak.

  Sheriff Lou shrugged her shoulders. "Well, you didn't come to any harm. Let's be grateful for that."

  Beau gave Duane a furtive look.

  Duane smiled reassuringly at him.

  Willis saw the smile on Duane's face and looked dubiously at the two idiots, but there wasn't a damned thing could be done about it.

  "Well, I guess that just about wraps things up here in Big Beaver," Merlot said as she hopped off the table. "We should be leaving, right?"

  Willis didn't hear his partner. His full attention was focused on the only woman he had ever loved. A big part of him didn't want to leave, not yet anyway. There was unfinished business between himself, Lou and Duane. But if he stayed, even for an extra day, what good would that do? Sure they'd end up settling their differences, but then what?

  LOU SENSED WILLIS was looking directly at her. She glanced in his direction. Their eyes met. They held each other's gaze for several moments, unaware that all attention was focused on her and Willis.

  She could feel tears starting to well up in her eyes. She didn't want him to leave-ever.

  Duane gave a gentle cough, "Lou, you feeling okay?"

  No, she was not feeling okay. Lou felt quite heady and overcome with her strong feelings towards Willis Johnson, the heartless bastard. And now he was going to walk out of her life, maybe for good. When would she see him again? Maybe when they were old and gray? She wanted to bawl her eyes out, but instead, she bit down on her lower lip to stifle her tears.

  The arrival of Walt and Rose Flucker drew Lou out of her miserable contemplations.

  Rose rushed over to her son to give him a big smothering hug. "There's my boy."

  Walt stood in the background glaring straight at Duane with sheer malice. He pointed a finger at Duane and then mimicked cutting his throat. He looked sorely pissed.

  Duane sniggered.

  "Hey, Mom," Beau said in a cheerful tone of voice.

  "Oh, my baby," Rose blurted amid lots of hugs and tears. She felt her son all over, "Are you hurt?"

  Walt didn't say a word. His gaze remained fixed on Duane.

  "He's okay, Rose. Apparently he got lost," Lou said in a sarcastic tone of voice.

  Walt nodded his head but kept his gaze on Duane. "Yeah, Dwight told us he'd been found after getting lost." He looked at the sheriff and hesitated before he spoke. "I was at Duane's this morning, with Chuck and Bob . . . and guess what I saw?"

  Lou had a hunch what he was about to say, "Bigfoot?"

  "Damned straight they was . . . not one, but two of 'em." Walt glared at Duane. "And they were too big to be human."

  Duane chuckled. "Come on . . . I told you they weren't for real, shit-for-brains."

  "I say they was real, asshole," Walt insisted with a snarl.

  Lou continued, "And do Chuck and Bob think they were real Bigfoot?"

  Walt was slow to reply. He gave a barely audible dissatisfied grunt.

  "Well . . . No, damn it . . . they think a couple of Duane's friends got dressed up in Bigfoot costumes. What do they know? But I know what I saw and I say they was real."

  Willis gave Walt a scathing look and muttered under his breath, "What an asshole."

  Walt's sharp ears picked up what Willis had just said. He looked nastily at him. "You watch your mouth, Agent Asshole."

  "Takes one to know one," Duane chipped in.

  Lou raised a hand for them to be quiet before the name-calling got out of hand. She looked questioningly at Duane.

  "These friends of yours—give me their names."
/>
  Duane looked thoughtful for a moment as he scratched his butt. "No can do, Lou . . . they'd like to remain . . . uh, kinda anonymous."

  Lou had a hunch as to the identity of at least one of Duane's two friends that Walt was referring to—MB.

  37

  LATER THAT DAY, Agent Willis Johnson sat in the passenger seat, looking as miserable as hell, as Merlot drove them back to Sacramento. They passed the Big Beaver welcome sign and saw that someone had scribbled on it—"Welcome to Big juicy Beaver."

  Willis gave a wry smile.

  Merlot observed her partner's demeanor.

  The endless row of fir trees that lined the two-lane blacktop were reflected in Willis' eyes. He inwardly sighed with remorse. He'd said a friendly goodbye to Lou and Duane with more than a hint of regret. Was he doing the right thing in leaving Big Beaver and the woman he loved and the friend who thought so much of him? He could have stayed an extra couple of days.

  Willis should have asked Duane about that damned letter. Then why didn't he? He reluctantly admitted it was because he was afraid. Afraid of Lou and letting his emotions get the better of him. He would have been at her mercy. He didn't want that to happen. He couldn't lose control.

  He told himself he didn't need to love someone or for someone to love him, and besides, if Lou wanted to marry Brad, he had no right to stop her.

  The Bigfoot Bend sign approached. Duane's hog was parked next to the sign and Duane was standing in the middle of the road looking somewhat frantic, waving his arms, dressed as Bigfoot.

  Willis sat up with surprise as he recognized Duane in his Bigfoot costume, minus the head.

  Merlot commented, "Not again!"

  "What now?" Willis replied with a weary sigh.

  Some moments later they were close enough to see what Duane was up to.

  "No way," exclaimed Merlot. She slammed on the brakes and scrambled for her cell phone. She hurriedly flicked it open and pointed the camera at the trees opposite. "I don't believe my eyes."