Nobody Loves a Bigfoot Like a Bigfoot Babe

by Simon Okill

  MB smiled disarmingly and gave a gentle wave, "Hey there, Meeelaaa."

  The two Bigfoot babes were frightened of MB, and ran back inside the cave.

  MB's shoulders slumped. He called out to them, "It's okay. . . I'm a friend of Duane's. I'm your friend, too."

  A few interminable moments went by. MB suddenly perked up as both Bigfoot babes emerged from the cave. They stood looking curiously at him, sniffing the air with twitching, cute snouts.

  Both Bigfoot babes nudged noses and mewled, pointing at MB.

  MB pointed to himself and said, "Duane-o's friend—Doooane." He pointed to where Duane had vanished into the woods.

  The Bigfoot babes tilted their heads, and with wary, watchful eyes looked curiously at him, mewing and sniffing.

  MB slowly approached, still under the misguided notion that the two Bigfoot babes were humans in animal duds.

  Meeelaaa and the foxy red Bigfoot looked at each other, nodding their heads in an affirmative fashion and smiled. They looked back at MB, snorting and squeaking then they beckoned him to come towards them.

  Should he go with them? MB hesitated for only a brief moment. He was reminded of an Old Indian legend that tells us man who refuses sex with two gorgeous babes is a fool to behold.

  Yet despite the Old Indian Legend, MB followed them into the cave with trepidation and unease, thinking they could not be real Bigfoot, but what if they were?

  * * *

  DUANE WINCED IN PAIN. His arm was beginning to feel sore with Ooonaaa continually tugging on it as she led him through the woods. They arrived at another cave, the last one on the left.

  Ooonaaa stopped and pointed to the cave entrance, covered with ferns and saplings.

  Duane pointed at the cave. "You want me to go into Olaaa's cave?" He knew that Olaaa didn't like anyone going into her cave, unannounced.

  Ooonaaa gave Duane a hefty shove for him to move.

  Duane stumbled forward. He gave Ooonaaa a concerned look thinking that Olaaa wasn't well. He hoped it wasn't anything serious.

  Ooonaaa shoved Duane into the cave.

  Duane entered the cave in a rush and saw Olaaa curled on the floor. She had her back to the entrance and mewed sadly. There were several pieces of bark containing berries and wild mushrooms, obviously untouched. It looked to Duane as if Olaaa was off her food. Did Olaaa have an upset tummy?

  Olaaa sensed his presence and rolled over on her side to look at him. She didn't try to sit up. Her large round eyes looked at him full of hurt and tears.

  Duane could see the hurt in her eyes. It suddenly dawned on him. Olaaa was upset because he had been annoyed with her. He had hurt her feelings. He knew how sensitive some Bigfoot females could be. He smiled apologetically.

  Olaaa sat up and began to sob.

  Duane walked over to her and knelt down on the ground by her side. He put his arm around her shoulder and wiped the tears from her eyes. He kissed her snout.

  Olaaa pushed his arm off her shoulder and shook her head in a spoilt fashion.

  Duane persisted by tenderly stroking the bridge of her snout, making cooing noises.

  Olaaa slowly turned to look at him and pouted, "Woooo-woooo-woooo."

  Duane gave Olaaa a wide smile and nodded yes. He nudged her snout.

  Olaaa's face brightened up. She smiled back at Duane. The tears stopped. She jumped to her feet and started to dance around Duane.

  Duane shrugged what the hell and danced with Olaaa, but was soon knocked to the floor with a bump from her hips.

  Olaaa giggled, "Sfsfsfsfsfsfsfsf."

  Duane gave Olaaa a playful angry look and then laughed with pure joy.

  * * *

  AT THE SAME TIME that Duane was dancing with Olaaa, MB was stretched out on a carpet made of flowers with both Bigfoot babes as they lovingly pawed him. He was in bliss land. He heaved a relaxed sigh. He was reminded of an Old Indian legend that tells us man who finds himself the sex object of two beautiful Bigfoot babes should thank his lucky stars.

  At this point, MB still believed the Bigfoot babes cuddling up to him were human females all dressed up as Bigfoot and acting the part.

  The foxy red Bigfoot stopped pawing MB and offered him a drink from a hollow branch.

  MB sniffed the heady aroma coming from the branch. What the fuck, he took a sip. It tasted okay-ish, a little too sweet for his liking. His lips went numb. He shrugged. The second mouthful tasted better, and the third even better again.

  MB paused and looked at the Bigfoot babe with a frown. He was feeling a little light-headed. He allowed her to pour all the liquid down his throat. By the sixth mouthful he realized he was feeling as if he'd had one too many beers. Only then did he think that what he'd been given was drugged in some way.

  MB could feel himself drifting off to sleep. He looked at the Bigfoot babes and thought they were really into character with their creature-like behavior and sounds. He hoped they wouldn't be too rough with him.

  "Be gentle," he begged.

  39

  WHEN MB CAME AROUND some time later, he found himself well outside the cave lying on a bed of sweet-smelling flower petals in a beautiful glade surrounded by Bigfoot of all shapes and sizes, sitting on their haunches in a circle. He saw Meeelaaa with them.

  Some Bigfoot looked old with graying hair, and long, sagging breasts.

  Each Bigfoot held the hand of the Bigfoot next to them. All of them had a profusion of flowers in their hair, especially behind their pert, short, tufted ears, and necklaces of petals around their necks.

  MB looked quizzically at them and thought he must be tripping out. He watched two little Bigfoot, both heavily spotted in reddish-brown over light fawn hair, pointing at him and chuckling in a nasal snorting way. If he didn't know any better he would have assumed they were Bigfoot offspring. But then he did know better and immediately assumed that was so fucked-up because they weren't Bigfoot. Nothing made any sense. What the fuck!

  MB jumped as the foxy babe gave him a hefty shove to notice her standing behind him.

  All the Bigfoot giggled with quick-fire snorting.

  MB's favorite Bigfoot babe squatted down next to him and pointed to a piece of bark containing chunks of bright yellow fungus, similar to a mushroom. She pointed and indicated with her hand to eat.

  "I don't even know your name?" Not knowing her name wouldn't stop him having sex with her, but it seemed polite to ask.

  He waited for a reply and got nothing. MB still felt more than a little light-headed from whatever he had drunk before. He wondered if he'd had sex. He couldn't remember. He felt down below. His love machine didn't feel as though he had done it, but his eyes widened as he realized he was as naked as a jay bird.

  All the Bigfoot pointed to MB's groin and chuckled, "Sfsfsfsfsfsfsfsf."

  It wouldn't be the first time, thought MB, that he'd consumed one too many alcoholic beverages and had sex without any recollection. He remembered the Bigfoot babes giving him something to drink that made him feel intoxicated and quite sleepy.

  MB frowned as he contemplated what might have happened. He shook his head in an attempt to clear the fog. Instead, the act of moving his head, made him feel a little more light-headed, and everything left trails of colors in his mind's vision. Cool!

  MB slowly sat up and waved, "Hi there, everyone."

  As he spoke he realized how dehydrated he was. Whatever they'd given him to drink had not only knocked him out, but had given him a big thirst.

  Foxy babe picked up the bark containing the jooobaaa fungus and offered it to him. She indicated with her fingers to eat.

  As MB took a piece of jooobaaa, she nudged his nose with her wet snout. He could smell tequila on her breath, thus confirming they were not real Bigfoot. He had a nagging feeling that he had seen her before or even knew her, but from where?

  He took a tentative mouthful, thinking it might be the stuff he'd drunk earlier that had knocked him out. To his relief, it tasted like raw mushroom. He ate most of the jooobaaa,
and quenched his thirst from the same hollow branch containing the whacky liquid.

  MB smacked his lips and rubbed his tummy, "Mmm, that was good."

  Foxy babe smiled, revealing sharp, crooked yellow teeth. She snatched the branch out of his hand and threw it away, under MB's curious and watchful gaze. She picked up the empty bark and threw that away.

  MB was in another world where all the colors took on new and exciting hues. His anxiety over the existence of Bigfoot had vanished. He looked at the gathering of Bigfoot watching him and smiled at them.

  Foxy babe spoke in a deep, husky voice, "Woooo-woooo-woooo-woooo." She picked up a handful of red berries and rubbed them over her rear end.

  MB looked perplexed, for he did not know what she had just said to him or why she was rubbing berries between her legs. He just smiled amiably in his confused state, shrugging his shoulders and thought what the hell. So he played along hoping this would end with sex.

  Suddenly, all the Bigfoot screamed loudly, "Woooooeeeeeeoooooooeeeeeeoooooo." They raised their arms to the heavens.

  MB looked startled at his audience.

  The Bigfoot started to happily chant, "Woooo-woooo-woooo-woooo."

  Latin American music started up-a salsa.

  A thoroughly bemused MB looked around at the Bigfoot and saw Duane's portable CD player on the ground. As yet, he had no idea he was the only human present.

  Moments later, all the Bigfoot started to salsa and did a ring around the roses around MB and Foxy babe, throwing all the flowers from their bodies at the soon-to-be newlyweds.

  In that sun-drenched clearing full of bright flowers, the Bigfoot continued to dance in a circle. Butterflies flitted over the flowers. Rabbits hopped closer, twitching their snouts. A pair of wolves sat at the clearing edge, howling in unison. Raccoons, elks, grizzlies, deer, weasels and birds of every species filled the clearing as spectators to the Bigfoot wedding.

  It was at this point that Duane finally showed up with Olaaa.

  As the Bigfoot continued to dance around MB and his Foxy babe, Duane broke through the circle.

  MB was glad to see his friend, "Hey Duane-o, guess what?"

  "Shit, MB, what have you gone and done, now?" Duane declared, looking quite troubled.

  MB smiled innocently and shrugged. He hadn't done anything untoward, not that he could remember. And even now, he still didn't think the Bigfoot were real.

  "Did you eat a mushroom . . . a big yellow mushroom?" Duane asked with a worried look.

  "Oh yeah . . . yellow's my favorite color," MB replied, looking puzzled.

  Why did his friend seem so troubled? It was a beautiful day. The birds were tweeting. The Bigfoot were real friendly. Even the animals seemed to be tame. He was having a really good time.

  "You idiot," Duane exclaimed. "Do you know what you've done?" Duane looked real pissed. "Have you done the deed yet?"

  MB shrugged. He didn't have a clue what he'd done. He nodded no with a shrug.

  Duane slapped MB across the head, "Wake up, you dufus. You've gotten engaged to a Bigfoot babe."

  MB rubbed his head, "I'd know if I'd done anything like that . . . and within the realms of reason and logic, I'm certain I didn't." He shook his head in confusion.

  Duane gave MB an exasperated look. "These aren't sexy playthings, MB . . . don't you get it . . . these are real Bigfoot." Duane pointed to his hairy friends.

  "No such thing as Bigfoot," MB blurted with a chuckle.

  Duane's face grew serious. "Yes there are," he insisted. "And you just got engaged to one of them-Teeelaaa." He pointed to Teeelaaa.

  MB gave his friend a speculative look then beamed, "Uh . . . hi, Teeelaaa."

  Teeelaaa mewed and chuckled, looking very fetching, twirling her hips around to the music.

  MB could see that Duane didn't look as if he was kidding. He shook his head, still reluctant to believe that these Bigfoot were real. A moment of clarity kicked in as MB upchucked the jooobaaa. He shuddered as he wondered if this was still a dream.

  "Well, who'd have thought . . . I've got engaged to a Bigfoot babe!" MB smiled lecherously at Teeelaaa, thinking, no way she's a Bigfoot.

  "Oh yeah, you sure did," Duane said adamantly. "I almost married Teeelaaa, too. She's a real cock-teaser and it's Maaawooo's cock being teased." He pointed to the massive dangerous-looking Bigfoot, entering the circle.

  Teeelaaa squealed with delight as Maaawooo picked up a piece of jooobaaa and munched it. She threw petals all over herself and Maaawooo.

  "She's been trying to get hitched to Maaawooo for the last twelve moons without much success."

  "Really? What happens now, old buddy?" MB chuckled, still not believing a word Duane had told him. He watched Maaawooo mount Teeelaaa just inches from his face.

  But something in Duane's serious manner troubled MB. He looked at Teeelaaa as she groaned with each thrust from Maaawooo. Her hair really looked too good. Her gorgeous tits looked too good! Maaawooo's humungous cock looked too real and impossibly big for a human as he dismounted.

  MB reached out and grabbed Teeelaaa's arm. His eyes opened wide in shock. He felt the hair and rippling muscles.

  "Fuck . . . they're real Bigfoot!" MB looked with awe into Teeelaaa's big, round blue eyes. He jumped to his feet in shock.

  "That's what I've been trying to tell you . . . and my advice to you, my friend, is to get on good terms with Maaawooo."

  Maaawooo growled with menace.

  MB swallowed nervously and looked wide-eyed with disbelief and excitement at Teeelaaa. No one would ever believe him, that he, Chief Mocking Bird had been engaged to a real Bigfoot babe. He pinched himself, thinking he was still asleep and having a wet dream.

  "I must be dreaming," MB insisted. He couldn't feel the pinch with all the whacky shit he'd taken.

  Duane gave MB another smack across the head, "Feel that, dufus?" Duane smirked as MB rubbed his head. "It's for real."

  Duane shook some sense into his naked and completely confused friend. "Now there are two ways you can get out of this. One is the old fashioned way." Duane grinned mischievously. "And that is to allow your ex-mate-Teeelaaa in this case, to tie you up naked and cover you all over in berry juice . . ." He faltered to allow this to sink into MB's befuddled brain.

  MB liked the sound of where this was going so far. He was eager for Duane to continue.

  Duane continued with a twinkle in his eyes, "…. After that you would be left outside a raccoons' nest to let them-the raccoons, lick off the berry juice." Duane pointed to several voracious-looking raccoons. "Sometimes they get quite ravenous."

  The raccoons stood on their hind legs and chuckled with delight, showing sharp teeth.

  MB looked horrified at the raccoons and swallowed hard.

  Duane finished off with, "if you're lucky, the raccoons will leave you intact, so to speak, but without any body hair whatsoever, and if you're not so lucky . . . well, do I need to go down there?"

  MB was ready to puke at the thought of his beloved beef bayonet being bitten off. He looked fearfully at Teeelaaa. The thought of a pack of rabid raccoons slurping berries off his naked body was so unpleasant that he started to shake with sheer dread.

  "Not recommended! And the second way . . ." Duane paused and grinned. His eyes twinkled with delight and mischief. "Well, it's more of a dare really. In my case, Teeelaaa, my soon-to-be ex-mate, drew a picture of what she wanted me to do. Bigfoot are really good artists, by the way. I bet not many people know that. You know most of those ancient Indian drawings on rocks and in caves?" Duane waited for MB to nod yes. "…. Well, Bigfoot drew them."

  MB had a look of total shock on his face, "No way, man. That's our heritage you're messing with."

  "It's me you're talking to now, MB . . . you're no more an Indian than that grandfather of yours -the one always falling off his horse in The High Chaparral."

  MB sobered up some. "It's our secret, right?"

  Duane smirked and continued, "Whatever. Anyway, Teeelaaa dared
me to enter a stranger's home with a real Bigfoot and give said Bigfoot a hose down."

  "Why the doughnuts?"

  "Good question … as for the doughnuts, well that one's for Lou's deputies. She told me she just can't get them to lay off cakes. Unfortunately for the sheriff's department, I like sneaking into people's homes so much I don't want to stop."

  MB was well aware that Duane was the Phantom Bigfoot, now that he'd taken on the mantle as Sergeant Sphincter, but the rest of his story was a bit too hard to swallow. And yet he had no choice but to believe what Duane had told him about the Bigfoot.

  MB looked back at Teeelaaa and Maaawooo bonking their brains out for the second time and all around at the other Bigfoot still dancing to the salsa music. He realized that he was in mild shock. No one was going to believe any of this. No one would believe that he'd witnessed a Bigfoot wedding. He didn't quite believe it himself.

  < >

  40

  THE NEXT DAY, the sheriff's patrol car slowly drove down Big Beaver Avenue displaying an array of detached houses with their white clapboard walls and well-maintained gardens, rimmed in by white wooden fences and small Ponderosa fir trees.

  The houses were of a wide variety of designs and sizes, having been built over a period of hundred years. There were no cookie-cutters in Big Beaver. All were very clean and presentable looking, picture-postcard like. Several of the houses displayed Bed and Breakfast signs.

  Happy Beaverites were out walking their dogs and going about their day-to-day lives unaware that yet another heinous crime had now been committed in their neighborhood.

  As Lou drove around a curve in the road she and Deputy Dwight, seated next to her, could see another patrol car and the Medical Examiner's car outside the Funderburk House.

  The Funderburk House was the first to be built on the avenue and backed directly onto the verge of the forest. It had Ponderosa pine trees out front, blocking the house from nosy Beaverites.

  Lou parked her patrol car behind the other vehicles and switched the engine off. Lou and Dwight sat in the car for several moments with grim faces.