A Flower’s Shade

by Ye Zhaoyan

  Huaifu approached Suqin quietly, saying deferentially in a voice almost not own, "Sister-in-law, I'm sure the master actually knows all about it. I'm sure that nothing that goes on in this Estate escapes his notice, I'm sure he knows it all." His voice was ghastly, and when Suqin heard it she looked at him, rather losing her composure. He continued, his words pregnant with meaning, "On the outside, people are saying that the master became this way because someone drugged his opium. Sister-in-law, just think, if he was drugged, then wouldn't he snap out of it one of these days? At the moment it's just that he can't say what he's thinking."

  It would be impossible to describe Suqin's horror as she listened to Huaifu, her sense of propriety, her capacity to speak compromised. She stammered, "Who says he was drugged? What drug did he take?" Huaifu chewed his lips and looked at Suqin inscrutably. Miss Yu was nearby, looking with incredulity at Huaifu, astonished at his sudden use of this kind of tone. She told him not to speak nonsense, told him to stand aside, and remarked that it was not his place to speak at all. But Huaifu seemed no longer to care whether he upset Miss Yu, he said slowly, "How do I know? In any event that's the rumor going round. I thought you might know, and of course Master Xiaoyun would certainly know too. He stared motionlessly at Suqin, and under his intent gaze she dared not look at him. Miss Yu also heard that Huaifu's words were pregnant with meaning, and she looked at him, unsure what to believe. She noticed that Huaifu was showing signs of an extraordinary change today.

  Suqin struck her hands and began to lament Ai'ai again. She was no longer crying with the same sorrow of a moment before. It seemed like the purpose of escalating her sobs was simply to disguise something else. The courtyard was still a jumble of people, and it had to be cleared. Someone suggested that Ai'ai's family ought immediately to be informed; in such hot weather, the corpse couldn't be kept very long. Miss Yu was still mulling over Huaifu's words, and without any reflection, she said imperiously, "What is there to tell them? If she's dead, she's dead. Her parents brought her into this Estate, and she's been dead to them forever. Besides, nobody forced her into it, it was her own decision to swallow the gold. She has only herself to blame."

  12

  Xiaoyun appeared in Miss Yu's room, looking blank. Ever since Ai'ai's suicide, Xiaoyun seemed to be preoccupied, and evidently unstable in his moods. Ai'ai's death caused a great deal of talk in the Estate. Because her death was so mysterious, people started in again on the old topic of how Naixiang had come to be as he was. When Naixiang had just had his accident, there had been the rumour that Naixiang had taken the wrong drug. People had spoken of it, and it was tantamount to suggesting that Naixiang's present state was the result of a plot against him.

  Xiaoyun now often deliberately avoided Miss Yu, and only came when somebody was sent to fetch him. Even if he did come, he spoke little. He would simply stare fixedly at Miss Yu, and as soon as his gaze met Miss Yu, he would avert his eyes in dread. "What's the matter with you recently?" Miss Yu had noticed that he seemed to have a bad conscience, and she asked him about it more than once. But each time Xiaoyun had only stammered and tried to gloss over it by saying that there was nothing the matter.

  Xiaoyun's heavy-heartedness gave him a different allure. Miss Yu felt that she and Xiaoyun had some kind of undefined destiny; their relationship no longer consisted simply of lovemaking. Evidently, some other kind of attraction existed between them. Miss Yu discovered that she really did like him more and more, that she was falling in love with him. "Xiaoyun, I guess I really do like you." She had once regarded love as a game, but now she had become very serious about it. Deeply moved, she said, "If I really liked you, what would you do?" A shadow passed over Xiaoyun's face. He looked at her as though in a trance, and made no response. Miss Yu continued, "Don't look at me like that, you know that now I really do like you. Sometimes I think, I'm really a fool, why should I like that unremarkable fellow, everybody does what I say, everybody listens to me, and you're the only one who stands up to me. You know, there are times when I really do hate you."

  Xiaoyun's expression grew unnatural, and he laughed bitterly. "Didn't you just say you really liked me? Yet a moment later, you say something entirely different." Miss Yu said, "Something entirely different?" Xiaoyun said, "You said you really did kind of hate me—let me tell you, in the future I'm afraid you won't just kind of hate me, one day you will well and truly hate me!" Xiaoyun turned away to look somewhere else, but very quickly he again stole a glance at Miss Yu, who was nattering on about something.

  "What did you say?" Miss Yu had not heard him clearly.

  "What is there to like or dislike? I, Yuan Xiaoyun, am nothing more than your houseboy." Xiaoyun said looking dejected and speaking vacantly, "You have only to give the command, and I'll appear. Besides, what is there to like about someone like me?"

  Miss Yu was surprised that he would speak like this at such a moment. She really didn't know the trouble he hid deep in his heart, or why he was perpetually intent on making things awkward. He really had no need to denigrate himself and make himself unhappy. "Xiaoyun, let's not fight whenever we meet, alright?" Miss Yu felt light-headed from his perorations and she tried to make peace, saying "I don't want to try to understand you. Why are you always saying you're my houseboy for no reason? If you really liked me, what would it matter if you really were my houseboy? Here—I'll be your housegirl, then, how about that, or better—I'll be your maid; is that alright then?"

  Miss Yu had to leave off, Xiaoyun's expression had clouded, as though he might at any time lash out. She knew all about his neurotic tantrums, and didn't want to provoke him. But Xiaoyun didn't lash out, he only closed his eyes painfully. Miss Yu, not understanding, stretched her hand out to touch his face, "What's the matter?" Xiaoyun suddenly struck Miss Yu's hands away and approached the opium bed with an unusual look about him. He lit the lamp, and scooped out a pill of opium with the needle, vaporizing it over the lamp and putting it into the pipe bowl. Then he lay down aslant on the bed, and began to puff madly without a thought for anyone else. Until then, Miss Yu had only known that he was adept at vaporizing the opium, but she had never seen him smoke from the pipe himself. She knew that opium was profoundly loathsome to him. In fact, because Xiaoyun hated the opium so much, Miss Yu had recently been doing her best to cut down on it, and had been secretly planning to quit. She crawled onto the opium bed, leaned on Xiaoyun and looked at him unswervingly.

  "Xiaoyun, what's going on in that head of yours?" Miss Yu asked carefully. Xiaoyun closed his eyes, and concentrated on the clouds of smoke he was blowing. Miss Yu couldn't stop herself from sniffing the smoke. "Don't do this, alright?" Miss Yu said, looking at him, forgetting herself. She said, full of tenderness, "Xiaoyun, don't you know how much I like you? Really, when you're not around, I miss you, I keep on wondering what you're doing—are you doing this, are you doing that? I know you might be sick of me, but you're always in my thoughts. You're the only one in my heart. Xiaoyun, what's the matter with you, what's on your mind?"

  Xiaoyun's eyes were tightly closed, his mind in disarray, his face marked by pain. Miss Yu kissed Xiaoyun's face. He suddenly took her into his arms, and the two of them fell into a tight, passionate embrace. Miss Yu felt an irrepressible impulse, she held Xiaoyun tightly and kissed him at random all over his face, and panting as she kissed him, said "Xiaoyun, I like you so much."

  Xiaoyun suddenly pushed Miss Yu forcefully off. His expression of pain and confusion had been replaced by something that was almost malice. He said in a tone of malice that Miss Yu could hardly believe, "We don't need to keep performing, let's not play at that between the two of us. Why talk of liking me, we're just toying with each other, you treat me as a houseboy, and I, I treat you like a shameless whore. Neither of us should bother pretending, or play at games of I like you, you like me…"

  Miss Yu was shocked by his words. She looked at him in astonishment, not daring to believe that the words he had spoken had just come out of his mouth. Yet there was
no doubt they had. Xiaoyun seemed to be choking something, all of a sudden he found himself unable to utter word. His eyes guiltily averted, he couldn't muster the courage to look at Miss Yu directly. Miss Yu couldn't believe that Xiaoyun hated her so much. Was she really so horrible, so despicable? She said, in a passion, Xiaoyun, why do you hate me so much, why do you treat me this way? I can tell you really do like me, so why do you such things?

  Xiaoyun could no longer hear what Miss Yu was saying, he was grinding his teeth and saying, "To tell you the truth, neither you nor I are worth a damn, why should we sleep in the same bed. You wanted to because you felt like you couldn't have me, a great lady like you, the more you can't get something, the more you want it. And why did I want it, let me tell you, I wanted you, I was willing to sleep with you, because I hate you, there's only hatred between us!"

  "Only hatred?"

  "Yes, only hatred. You hate me, I hate you."

  "But I don't hate you." Miss Yu was looking blankly at Xiaoyun. A sudden ache overcame her, she shook her head incredulously, unable to understand what was the matter. "You hate me, why do you hate me so much?"

  "I just do! I hate you! Not just you, but your whole family, do you want me to tell you something, do you know how your brother got this way?" Xiaoyun, throwing caution to the wind, erupted with a shout, "It was I who made your brother get this way. It was because I drugged your brother, because I poisoned his opium, that's how he got this way. Let me tell you, I'm not worth your affection. Why should you like me; who am I? I'm only a worthless poisoner."

  13

  On that sultry evening, Miss Yu smashed things in her room. Huaifu stood humbly on guard at the door, listening to the sounds of crashes and bangs inside. When the crashes and bangs finally stopped, the room fell silent. Huaifu entered the room uneasily and told Miss Yu that the water for her bath was getting cold, and urging her to go bathe. As soon as he went in, Miss Yu took some object at hand and flung it viciously at Huaifu. He beat a hasty retreat. At a moment like that, Huaifu had no option but to flee. Miss Yu was hysterical, pursuing him, hissing through her teeth, "Go away, go away, get lost, all of you!"

  Huaifu returned humbly to his post at the door, Miss Yu was again alone in her room, smashing things, and only when she had raged to her satisfaction did she go into the bathroom. The water in the bathtub was already cold, Huaifu had Fourth quickly heat some more. Before long, the water was ready, and Huaifu changed the water for her himself. Fourth saw that there was nothing for him to do, so he stood around for a moment and then went back inside to sleep, mumbling as he walked. Fourth couldn't abide Huaifu's subservient manner.

  Through the bath curtain, Huaifu was visible like the shadow of a paper cutout, carrying the pipe, blowing the smoke for Miss Yu. Miss Yu looked like she was asleep, reacting in no way to anything around her. Suddenly, Miss Yu rose, naked, from the bath. When Miss Yu had been in the bath, she had made Huaifu blow the smoke for her, but she had always waited until Huaifu was gone before getting up and putting some clothes on. This time she seemed to have forgotten all her anxieties and stood shameless and naked in front of him, her face covered in confusion. Huaifu was filled with fear and trepidation, he really didn't know what to do. He put down the opium things, snatched up a towel, and tried to dry her off. Miss Yu stood there like a block of wood, without any reaction to what Huaifu was doing. Huaifu fearfully rubbed the water off her body, and then clumsily helped her into some clothes.

  Miss Yu went back to her room in complete confusion. It was late, and she saw all the things that she had smashed on the ground, and she stood their, looking blank and stunned. None of it seemed to bear any relationship to her. Her eyes drifted to Huaifu as though she didn't recognize him. Xiaoyun had given her too great a shock, the shock had been so intense that the spoiled Miss Yu could not absorb it. She couldn't imagine that Xiaoyun would do such a thing, she just couldn't get it through her head. Huaifu stood nearby, his head hanging. Miss Yu said to herself, "Xiaoyun, what did you do that for, what did you do that for?"

  Huaifu stood awkwardly by. So Xiaoyun had himself readily come out with the secret of the poisoning, which Huaifu could never have expected in his wildest dreams. Before Ai'ai committed suicide, this was the secret that she had told him, and from then on, Huaifu—uncertain of the truth—had been unable to come to a decision about whether or not he ought to reveal the secret to Miss Yu. The secret was too terrible, Huaifu didn't know how to make Miss Yu believe that he wasn't telling a lie. Perhaps it would have been useless to tell her. One thing was beyond doubt: besides Xiaoyun's own confession, nothing could have made Miss Yu accept this intolerable fact.

  "Xiaoyun, you're a lowlife, you're a nothing, a pointless lowlife!" Miss Yu was behaving like a child, and suddenly she burst out in a great wail.

  Huaifu was at a loss, he fished out an embroidered handkerchief and passed it to Miss Yu. He felt like he ought to speak a few words of consolation to her, but he didn't have any idea where to start. His own position was really too delicate. Miss Yu couldn't do without him, but her treatment of him was barely human. He knew that Miss Yu did not hope for him to say anything. He knew that at this moment Miss Yu didn't really need him at all. In fact, in all the time that had passed, all of Miss Yu's emotions had been for Xiaoyun, she really had fallen in love with him. Unreasonably, she had fallen in love with Xiaoyun, just as Huaifu had unreasonably fallen in love with her. Once a woman has truly fallen in love with a man, many things become unreasonable.

  The more Miss Yu cried, the more despondent she become. She had always taken advantage of other people, she had always been the victor, but this time she had thoroughly lost, and she had lost in the bitterest way imaginable. So she had fallen in love with a man who was not worthy of love, had fallen in love with such a sinister, such a villainous man. Things could not end in such a simple way, Miss Yu was determined to exact revenge, she would not spare him so easily. Xiaoyun had injured her so badly, the more she thought of it, the more injured she felt, the more she wanted to cry, and when she was finished crying she fell asleep like a child, the tears still on her cheeks.

  Filled with love, Huaifu looked at Miss Yu, sound asleep. His heart seemed full to the bursting, and he felt like something stuck in his throat. The sleeping face he saw, with the tears on its cheeks, quiet as a child, seemed to him to be absolutely innocent, pure. He had complex feelings, for in a way he was pleased by the disaster, and yet felt deeply for Miss Yu. What would come next was a question Huaifu didn't dare to pursue.

  Miss Yu was still sobbing in her dreams, her lips smacking in distress repeatedly, she was murmuring something…

  Huaifu stretched out his hand, it seemed like he meant to wipe away Miss Yu's tears, but in fact he was just gently stroking her cheek. He stopped and kissed her, but he didn't dare go on, he was afraid of waking her. To face Miss Yu quietly, up close, was such an incredible joy to him. That was more than enough to satisfy him. He was afraid Miss Yu would wake suddenly. He knew that as soon as she woke, this little morsel of incredible joy would fly away like a bird.

  14

  In the Great Hall, her clothes in disarray, Miss Yu was sitting gravely in an imperial-style armchair. She was waiting for Suqin to arrive. Since the day of the suitors, Miss Yu hadn't entered the Great Hall, she didn't like its emptiness, or the way it expressed authority. When she had been very small, Miss Yu had formed a fixed idea that the Great Hall was for the discussion and decision of great matters. The Great Hall was a solemn, awe-inspiring place.

  Suqin pushed Naixiang in his wheelchair, following Huaifu, her heart heavy as she passed through the walkway on her way to the Great Hall. As she walked, her heart race. Ai'ai's suicide had caused an enormous change in the tranquil life of the Estate; Xiaoyun had immediately moved out and was staying on the outside. Although he had said nothing to her, there could be no doubt that he had brought on the disaster. Suqin knew that something had gone wrong, and as she entered the Estate, her guilty conscience preven
ted her from looking at Miss Yu.

  Miss Yu said, "Today, with my brother present, I just want you to enlighten me on a certain subject. Sister-in-law, what really happened to my brother and made him the way he is today?"

  Suqin blanched in shock, but the question was expected; when Huaifu had come to fetch her, she had guessed that she would face this question. She knew Xiaoyun's personality, he always held his word; having revealed that he would disclose those past events, nobody could have prevented him. As soon as Xiaoyun and Miss Yu had begun their affair, this matter had been a source of worry. At present, Suqin had no choice but to pretend she did not know what was meant, and looked at Miss Yu.

  Miss Yu looked coldly back at her. "What's happened to your precious brother?" She turned to Huaifu, standing foolishly nearby, and sneered, "He got scared and ran away, of course he has, he doesn't dare to stay in the Estate. Having done what he did, I'm not surprised he didn't have the guts to stay. Huaifu looked awkward; neither nodding nor shaking his head seemed advisable. Although he was supposed to manage Estate affairs for Miss Yu, he understood that this was no time for him to put in a word. He didn't know what plan Miss Yu had hatched, but he knew that after so many years, it was unlikely that Miss Yu would file a police report. After all, ten years had passed, and unless Xiaoyun confessed, nothing could be done in any event.