by Sasha Goldie
"I'm glad you'll share that with me one day, and I'm happy to wait until you're ready. I'm not rushing you. But what I actually meant was I want more of you. I don't want to be your fuck buddy."
In my mind, I begged him to stop talking, not to press me for more. But my tongue froze. I couldn't say the words.
"I want to be your boyfriend. Not your fuckboy."
Suddenly, the room seemed so hot and stuffy. I pulled back from Carson a little, straightening myself up on the bed so I sat up a little. "I don't think that's the best idea. We're friends, good friends, and we're compatible in bed. Isn't that enough?"
I'd told him my deepest, darkest secret, and he just wanted to be my boyfriend. Why couldn't he leave well enough alone?
I had no future, not really. If I was lucky, I might find a way to work with dogs, maybe at the shelter or something, but I didn't have a career. I wasn't physically able to be in the military, and any manual labor job would tell me no, not with my leg. I was a risk.
Going back to college was an option, but until I had my future settled, I had absolutely nothing to offer a man like Carson. He didn't need to take on an anxious cripple with no prospects.
I'd managed to achieve one of my goals. Carson didn't see me as a man without a leg. He saw me as a man.
Now I had to figure out my future, then maybe we could think about something more than friends.
"Why?" Carson asked simply.
"Why what?"
"Why is friends with benefits enough for you?"
"Carson, damn it, why are you pushing me?" My anxiety gave way to anger as I grew frustrated with his insistence on delving deeper and deeper.
"Because you've never been this open with me. I want to know it all."
"For fuck's sake." I stood up and stared at him. I wore his boxers and nothing else except for my leg. "I'm not good enough for you, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?"
His face changed from curious to confused as he sat up in bed and scooted to the edge. "What in the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm uneducated, have no prospects, and not much of a glowing future." I waved my hands. "I wouldn't be able to contribute or bring anything financially to the relationship." Pointing to my leg, I wiggled it around. "It's nice that you don't see me as just a guy with one leg, believe me, it's amazing. But this thing keeps me from doing some of the things I really want to."
"Like what?" he said, calm as a cucumber while I ranted. His voice was low and soothing.
"What do you mean like what?"
"What do you want to do that the leg stops you from doing?"
I almost rolled my eyes. "Uh, Green Berets?"
He did roll his eyes. "Besides that, smartass." He grinned a little, so I knew he was trying to lighten the mood a bit.
"I—" Closing my mouth, I thought about where my life had gone since leaving the military. I'd toured the world in a different way, in front of a camera instead of behind a gun. Now that I was back home, what did I want to do?
Sitting beside Carson on the bed, I leaned into him. "I don't know."
"What do you want to do with your life, besides the military? What's your first choice?"
The answer was easy as I looked at Droo, sound asleep, totally ignoring or oblivious to my raised voice. "Dogs."
"Dogs. I knew that. So did you. Besides, even if you were drifting and didn't know where your place was, do you not think I would be willing to share my life anyway? I'd share my home and my business. You're a hard worker, you're intelligent, and you have good ideas. You'd be a great partner for the brewery."
"I can't waltz into your home and ask you to give me part of it and your business. It's something I just can't do."
He shrugged. "Then do something about it."
I gaped at him. He really thought it was that easy. If I didn't like the direction of my life, change it.
Carson wasn't one to just leave well enough alone, though. I was calmer, and seriously contemplating his words. Maybe it could be that easy. Maybe I could just jump in and start the training programs to become a service dog trainer.
But, no. He had to keep going.
"I'm falling in love with you, Max." My heart froze in fear. "All of you. Your insecurities, your humor, your intelligence. Even your fake leg."
That made me chuckle but didn't unfreeze the log of ice around my heart. Why did he have to get so damn deep so fast?
"I know you're not in a place to respond, and I'm okay with that. But I wanted you to know because I have to leave."
"You're just like the air force," I said after he squeezed my leg and stood.
He looked at me in surprise. "What?"
"You drop a bomb then take off." I grinned to show I was kidding, but the smile didn't go any farther than my lips. Inside I was a quaking mass of emotions, too much to process. I was glad he was leaving so I could meltdown by myself.
20
Carson
I watched Max totally shut down after I told him I loved him. Damn. I'd taken the risk, calculating that it would be a good way to end the day.
I'd been wrong.
Shit. I dressed quickly, needing to get down to the brewery. I'd taken too much time being sappy with Max and going too damn far. I'd known he wasn't ready for the L-word, but I just had to say it anyway. After I dressed, I stopped to pet Droo's head and say goodbye to Max.
"I'll see you tonight," I said, then pressed a kiss to his lips. He still sat on the side of the bed where I'd told him I loved him. "I'm just falling in love, you know," I said, trying to salvage the mood we'd had earlier. "It's not like I'm head over heels, into the pit of true love."
He chuckled and met my eyes. "I want to get there, but at my own pace."
"I want to keep talking, and settle on somewhere comfortable for both of us, even if that means leaving what we are as undefined." I looked around, trying to remember where I'd put the spare key. "Wait here?"
He nodded, and I ran from the room. Returning, I pressed a key into his hand. "As my friend, and someone I care very deeply for, I want you to have this. It's the key to this house. You can use it and let yourself in at any time, but I'm giving it to you because I hoped you'd be here when I got in tonight. Spend the night, be here and talk to me. Let's get this figured out."
He stared at the key in his hand and nodded slowly. "Okay."
Giving him one more kiss, I left for work, already a few minutes behind to meet the contractors.
The day passed like a snail with a hangover. Everything that could go wrong, did. The contractors ran out of some important element, adding another day to their timeline while they made a trip into Bend. We must've spilled, dropped, or ruined more drinks and meals than we delivered to tables. The customers were cranky, as were all of my employees.
Finally, it was closing time, and a smiling Pearl gave me a bit of grounding. "I don't know why you've been such a grouch today, but you better not take that surly attitude home to Max or you'll never get anywhere with him," she said, pointing her finger at me. "Trust me."
I gaped at her. I'd been trying to roll with the punches all day, ignoring the grumpy customers and smiling through the cleanups. I'd gritted my teeth through every small thing that had gone wrong. "I'm not grumpy, per se," I defended. "It's just been a rough day."
"The day has been the same as any other. Whatever happened to put you in such a foul mood is why your day has been bad." She nodded her head at me, as if that settled it, then left.
I was the last one out the door, as usual, and couldn't wait to get home and tell Max I was sorry. I wanted him, no matter what form that took. If he wanted to be friends with benefits for a while, I'd roll with it. I knew he cared for me, maybe even loved me. Eventually, he'd get to a place that he could admit it to himself, then we could move forward. For him, I was willing to wait.
When I pulled up to the garage door at home, I sighed in disappointment. The El Camino wasn't there. "Damn it," I muttered when the garage door opened enough for me
to confirm he hadn't taken it upon himself to park in the garage. I would've loved it if he had.
Walking into the kitchen, I spotted a note on the counter.
I'm sorry, it's just too much. I'll call you tomorrow.
My house key sat on top of the note. "Fuck," I muttered, then went straight to bed. I didn't want to sit up, thinking about woulda, coulda, shoulda. I'd made mistakes, that was definite, but I was exhausted. I'd deal with them tomorrow.
I dropped right to sleep, to my surprise. When I woke up, Droo was barking and someone was blowing up my phone. I squinted my bleary eyes at the screen. "Hush, Droo," I said as I read. It was from Max. Furrowing my brow and trying to clear my mind, I looked up at the time. Four in the morning. I'd only been asleep for about an hour and a half. Geez.
Max: Come let me in. I don't want to bang on your door and risk waking up your neighbors.
I leaped from the bed and ran full blast down the stairs, Droo on my heels, flicking on lights as I went. Max showing up at my door in the middle of the night could be either really good or really bad.
My jaw dropped when I flung the door open. He was soaking wet. Droo continued barking until he saw Max, then he stopped. An intense rain shower had brewed up as I slept. Even though he waited on the porch, the rain fell sideways and pelted into the foyer as I stood with the door open and my mouth gaping. "Get in here," I said, reaching out to grab him by the arm and pull him in. Droo had disappeared when the first few raindrops hit him through the doorway. He wasn't a fan of the rain, even though he loved water. Weird dog.
"Stay here," I said, hurrying around the corner to the laundry room to grab a couple of towels. I set them to the side, then helped him out of his coat. Slowly, I undressed him, piling his soaking clothes in a pile, even remembering to empty his pants pockets and put the contents on my coffee table. Once he was totally naked, shivering, and staring at me with the biggest puppy-dog eyes ever, I wrapped a towel around his waist, then put another around his shoulders while he tied the one at his waist. Dropping to my knees, I dried his prosthetic. It had a cover, but better to get it dry.
"You don't have to do that," he said softly, clutching the towel around his shoulders.
"I want to." I stood and rubbed the towel in my hand across his cheeks, then on his short hair where small drops of rain still clung.
"Come on," I said, putting my arm around his shoulders. I led him up the stairs and straight to my bedroom. Before we climbed into my bed, I gave him some undies to put on before he removed his leg and lay down. If we settled down with his dick loose, I'd be too tempted to grab it, and his mood was definitely not a sexy one.
He was asleep in minutes, warm in my arms. As I held him, I considered the implications of Max appearing at my door. Maybe he was slowly warming up to the idea of more than friends. I didn't know what had made him come back, but I was happy he did. I fell asleep not long after Max did, a smile on my face.
My sleep was ripped from me again as Max struggled in my arms. "No," he moaned, then the volume of his voice rose. "No!" he shouted this time. His hands gripped my shoulders painfully. Somehow, he'd ended up on top of me.
If he moved his hands, he'd be gripping my throat with his powerful, strong grip. "Max," I said firmly. He didn't respond, just thrashed around with his eyes closed, still gripping my shoulders. "Max!" I shouted, then continued to shout his name and try to twist myself out of his grasp.
Finally, his eyes flew open and confusion turned to horror as he realized what had happened. He collapsed on beside me, panting. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, wrapping his arms around himself and staring at the ceiling.
"What was your dream about?" I asked, pulling him into my arms again. He needed me, needed my support, and I was more than willing to give it to him.
"I trained the dog in our unit," he said as we settled in. "From a puppy."
Shit. That was worse than what I'd originally thought. "We found him when we were all training together, and I snuck him into our dorm. We all worked together and kept him secret from our CO until he was about six months old. By that time, he was relatively well trained. I was his primary caregiver, but everyone chipped in. By the time the captain found out, all of us were willing to go to bat to keep him. From that day on he trained with us, and we trained for a long time. Over a year."
"Sounds like you broke all kinds of protocol," I said, smiling into the dark.
"We destroyed protocol, but by then, we were the best of the best."
"When I last saw you," I replied. "You were a scrawny kid."
"Yeah, but you're three years older than me, remember? I was just fourteen. I started working out after that, and by the time I graduated, I was fit. I'd looked up the physical fitness tests and worked with those goals in mind. By the time I actually took the test, after boot camp, I sailed through it with flying colors."
"Wow. You say you're not good enough, but while you were conditioning yourself and training, I was tending a bar. I'd say I'm not good enough."
He snuggled closer to me. I wrapped my arms around him and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. "What made you come back?" I asked.
"You. The way you've treated me, the way you've accepted me completely without any judgments. You're good for me and you're good to me."
I squeezed him harder, thankful to hear the loving words. Even if he wasn't able to profess his feelings, I knew. I could tell.
21
Max
"Wake up," Carson whispered urgently. "We’ve got to go."
My eyes were like sandpaper and really didn't want to open. "What's wrong?" I whispered. "It's still early."
"Tyler is awake."
My eyes flew open. I'd had Tyler on my mind a lot since I’d come back to town. He was younger than me, but I'd known him in school and known that he was out and proud. Even though then I hadn't totally admitted to myself I wasn't straight, I admired Tyler and his bravery.
"How?"
"I don't know," Carson said, pulling on jeans. "But the family said he wants to see everyone. I got a call from Ian a few minutes ago."
He ran into the closet as I sat up and grabbed my leg. "Here," he said, throwing my clothes beside me on the bed. "I'll make coffee."
He ran out, yelling back to me. "He woke up yesterday, but the family wanted a bit of time with him before telling everyone."
That made perfect sense to me. I didn't know what it felt like to wake up from a coma, but I knew what it felt like to wake up with a horrible injury. I hadn't wanted to see anyone but Do-Yun, and that really hadn't worked out for me.
Once I was legged up and dressed, I walked into the kitchen where Carson poured us two cups of coffee. "I'll walk Droo," I said. "Throw a sandwich together?"
My stomach growled, but I hated anything to do with the kitchen. No cooking for me, which was why I worked in front of the house for Carson.
Droo was such a good boy and went quickly, so we returned to the house. "What time is it?" I asked. The sun was up and bright.
"Um, nine. Ian said he waited as long as he could stand it before calling me, since I, as he said, always sleep late."
I chuckled. It wasn't sleeping late for us, not when our jobs kept us until after two most nights. Even though it was later in the morning, we'd only slept about five hours. Following Carson to the bathroom, we brushed our teeth, then grabbed our sandwiches and headed out the door.
The ride to the hospital was almost joyous. Carson couldn't wait to see Tyler, and for that matter, neither could I. He'd been in the hospital since I'd moved into Ian's and started working.
We arrived at the hospital at exactly the same time Ian and Nate pulled in.
"Hey," I called, waving at them where they were emerging from Ian's truck a few spots over. "Good timing."
"Have you heard anything about how he is?" Carson asked as Ian and Nate walked over to us.
"Nothing. All we know is that he's awake. Corey and Brady are already here, I think."
We stopped i
n at the gift shop, looking for things Tyler might like. I settled on a lip balm assortment. Carson peered at the box in my hand. "Lip balm?"
"I remember begging for some in the hospital. They keep the air so dry in here, it makes for very chapped lips." It had been miserable. "All the hospital had was this gel-feeling stuff that tasted like oranges and felt like grease."
"Well, then I love what you picked out," Carson said with a smile, popping a kiss on my cheek. "I got flowers."
"They're beautiful." He'd picked out a small rosebush in a pot, which would last a lot longer than the arrangements.
Nate and Ian were checking out with puzzle books and magazines, so we got in line. Carson paid for both of us, even though I tried to push a twenty into his hands.
"I'm just trying to hurry, you can buy lunch," he said. I felt better knowing he wasn't just trying to pay my way.
We knocked on Tyler's door softly, and it was opened by a very small and attractive red-haired man. "Hello," he said with a huge smile. "Come on in, join the party."
Tyler’s infectious laugh drifted out to the hallway. It was wonderful to hear.
We crowded into the room, which was already full of Tyler's family as well as Corey and Brady. We were at standing room only. I nodded hello to Ian and Nate as well as Duke and Daisy.
Carson and Ian pushed forward, much closer to Tyler than I was, and Nate had only met him a few times before Tyler's accident.
"Tyler," Ian said, bending over to hug him. "I'm so happy to see you awake."
"You and me both," he said with a huge smile. I studied his eyes. They just didn't quite have the same sparkle his smile did. He was hurting.
Carson moved in after Ian finished hugging Tyler, bending down and squeezing Tyler until he grunted. "Easy now," he said. "I'm better but I did just wake up from a coma."