by Jamie Knight
Stella had the entire house to herself. Her parents were out, so she helped me get to the bathroom and to the shower to clean up. She waited patiently while I got the blood off and accessed the damage.
There was a reason we were really good friends and told each other everything. For one, we were recluses, having no social life while we were in school. Most boys, as well as girls, didn’t want to hang with us, due to our strict parents and our inability to get down and dirty.
We stuck together after a bland choir practice at church right after she had moved into town, and things just clicked. We had been best friends ever since.
Stella had a striking personality. She had layers, and deep ones at that. She had been a world champion at chess and loved the game so much she traveled the world even before she was done with middle school and had a passion for collecting stamps.
Her swimming record was amazing, but she had been just a little shy to join the school team. To be curt, she was just plain cool. And I loved her for being who she was, with no mask.
Once I was as clean as I could get, I tried to relax into the couch. Stella listened to my story that had spiraled out of control. She hugged me and took care of my injuries the best that she could, bandaging me as far as her memory of her earlier scouting skills could allow her to.
“…and that is how I came up to your doorstep,” I finished.
She looked at me intently with a tear in her eye.
So empathetic.
“Valeria, what you just told me is enough to make anyone lose hope. I don’t know how you’re holding up inside. That lying son of a bitch does not deserve you one bit, and as for your dad, just let him be. Your mom though… what the fuck?”
Stella tried to soothe me, desperately trying to help me find the answers that eluded me every so often.
“Stella… what does it matter?” I randomly asked.
My eyes had been glassy, and she knew I was deep in thought, taking my hurt as medicine for my future self.
“I don’t get you… what do you mean?” she responded, curling her legs on the sofa we were sitting on and softly caressing my hand.
“Pain, Stella. Do you think it chooses someone out of bias? Or maybe it’s a thing that God places in our paths for no particular reason — just for fun?”
I was tearing up and delirious. I just wanted to get something, anything, off my chest. The burn in my throat and heaving lungs encouraged a steady stream of tears. She reached out to me and hugged me hard.
“Girl, don’t cry. You have been through so much, and I can’t even begin to imagine all of what that was and what it was like. Pain is inevitable, but for some reason, you have been brave enough to face it this early on in life.”
She rubbed my back as she talked.
“Don’t sell yourself short, okay? Life gives us a series of good things and bad things, but it doesn’t mean that they will mess each other up in any way. They both need to happen to keep the world balanced, and we need to just stand. Keep standing, Valeria. Just stand.”
As far as friendships could go, one would always need a Stella in their life. I could not help but smile through my swollen cheeks. I was lucky to have such a friend.
She took me by the arms and swallowed.
“You can stay here as long as you like, okay? My parents have been working long hours, and they wouldn’t mind, anyway. You know you’re like family to them and that you’re always welcome here.”
Those were the words my body and mind needed to hear to calm down. I could not thank her enough as she helped me walk towards her bedroom, helped me change and get into the bed.
“Stella, if my parents come to the door and ask for me…”
“Don’t worry. I got you,” she winked, as she slowly shut the door behind her and went downstairs.
After she had left me to my own thoughts, I tried to relax and sleep away the pain, but I couldn’t close my eyes. I felt a feeling I could not comprehend until much later on. It was a mix of anxiety and deep sorrow.
I am lost.
I am lost and it’s entirely my own fault.
The world and my future seemed bleak in every possible way, and my tears and anger could not repair the damage done. Slowly, I got out of bed, clutching my hands to my sides, and wandered over to the window. It was a task, but I managed to open the window curtain and peep outside.
My father had found his way over to where he knew I would be and was having a word with Stella on the front porch. With a firm no that I could hear even from where I was, she slammed the door shut and locked it. I could see his form leave slowly, out to the street.
I opened the door, moved to the stairs, and called out to her.
“What did he say?”
She looked up, surprised to see me.
“Valeria, you need rest. Come on, I’ll take you back to my room.”
She took two stairs at a time towards me and grabbed my arm gently. But I would not budge.
“What did he say, Stella?”
I could be quite stubborn when I wanted to be.
She sighed and looked at me with concerned eyes. Slowly, she told me.
“He will not force you to go home but will wait for you to forgive him and your mom.”
Fat chance.
“Well then, Stella. It seems I might be staying longer than we expected, huh?”
She smirked and laughed.
“As if I didn’t expect that.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Alexander
I could not sleep that night and for many nights after. Turning restlessly, I could only think of what I had done to Valeria, the sweetest girl alive, whose love I had given up so that she would not get into trouble at home with her parents, who I knew to be very strict. It was three o’clock in the morning, and my bedside clock glowed, and the warm sheets disgusted me.
I hate myself and there is nothing I can do to repair that.
“Truman, awake,” I huffed.
My voice was hoarse from all the drinking I had done earlier when Jonathan brought me home. I wanted to forget how that night had ended, but no matter how much I drank, I was not getting drunk.
My body wanted to remember, and the room was filled with the stink of whisky and body sweat. All through the night I hadn’t bothered to shower. I did not feel worthy of it.
“Yes, Sir,” he beamed.
“Use the satellite to feed me an image of Valeria Silva’s residence,” I commanded.
I just needed to know if she was alright.
“Sir, I cannot perform that action as of now. Your user control access over the subject ‘Silva’ or ‘Valeria’ has been overwritten.”
I whipped my head around.
That was a first.
“Overwritten by whom?”
“Further questions only allow me to proceed to protocol three and notify Jonathan,” he toned.
“No, no, no don’t do that…”
“Already done, Sir,” he beeped.
Damn you, Jon.
He knew what I would get up to in my room in the middle of the witching hours. He was waiting and prevented me from succumbing by going ahead and shutting me out of my satellite feed’s access. Quite fatherly and wise of him, but I was pissed.
“To sleep, Truman.”
I heard a noise off the corridor to my room. I sat on the edge of the bed, hoping for a better lecture than the one I was about to get.
The door creaked open and the man walked in seamlessly. He had no sense of sleep and always had an old gentleman’s elegance about him, regardless of the time.
He closed the door behind him and walked quickly towards the edge of the bed where my shirtless body waited. He sniffed his nose to clear it of the stink and cleared his throat.
“Master Alex…”
The alcohol was seeping into my system, and all I could offer were unchecked words streaming with fury from my lips.
“Do you realize what I have done, Jon? I have just fucking ruined the lif
e of a young woman who had a whole future ahead of her! I thought of myself all too much, just impressing her with the toys and my money and my body all for the sake of selfishness.”
I knew it was hyperbole; I knew I had fallen hard for her. But I was being over-dramatic in my emotions.
“I am sick… a sick man with a sick attitude and an old sagging heart. Oh, Jon. What have I done? She loved me… loved me. I could feel it. And I fucking loved her too.”
He raised his eyebrows at this admission of mine but didn’t look altogether too surprised. He didn’t say anything, either, so I continued.
“How many women have you seen with that genuine kindness and appreciation towards me with no reward? With no sense of wanting to sleep with me just to get my money? None, Jon. None! And on her first day with me, at her opportunity to learn and be something for herself, I go ahead and screw it up. Fuck this, Jon. Nothing you say can make any of this feel better. I fucked up her life, I’m sure of it, and there is no turning back.”
I fumed, clawing at my hair. I had to get it all off my chest, or else it would come back in the worst ways possible. I was not at my best when I was angry with anyone, particularly myself.
Jonathan looked at me with curious eyes, as if seeking to find words to utter.
He sighed.
“You have a long week ahead of you, Alexander. And if you won’t rest at your will, then mine shall have to suffice,” he carefully explained.
There was nothing to prepare me for the small syringe he flicked in his palm and thrust into my right arm.
A sedative?
It was one of those we used when we would deer hunt once in a while during our small trips to the wilds of South Africa. He must have really wanted me knocked out.
I must be even worse off than I’ve been feeling. Or at least, I must be looking worse off.
As it slowly took effect and my vision hazed, my lips found a way to mouth a silent ‘fuck you’ to him. I slunk into my bed heavily and he stood up and walked over to my side.
“You’ll thank me in the morning, Alexander.”
His last words hit me before I sunk into a deep medicated sleep that brought dreams of darkness and emptiness, swirling in pools of regret mired by desire.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Alexander
One Month Later
“Mr. Foster, how would you explain the next phase of solar cell energy that your company is developing?”
“…is there a new entry of new SIM cards that are radiation free and give their uses free Wi-Fi anywhere in the world?”
“Can you speak to the rumors of you handling the degrading ecosystem in the rainforests and saving endangered species?”
The questions came rapidly, one after the other, with reporters flashing their cameras to take any photo they could of the group of men I had clustered around me for the press conference. The company was doing extremely well globally, and I was giving this conference to assure the public of the systems in place to manage the tech we were building.
As much as things were running smoothly at face value, I was dismayed at heart. Age and experience had taught me how to handle my emotions in situations when it counted, but when I went in alone into my office and told Nancy not to disturb me under any circumstance — and deterred her advances on me — I was miserable.
The one thing that had held me together was the hope of seeing my love at church. But Valeria never came. Week after week, day after burning day went by, without me seeing her.
Nancy was quite pleased with herself at the news that Valeria was gone, and she got it into her head that I had fired Valeria due to the fight that the two of them had had, even though that was not the case at all. She walked haughtily around the office tending to my every need. She even got herself new perfume that annoyed the hell out of my nose.
I didn’t pay Nancy any attention, other than to set the record straight around the office that Valeria had not been fired, and certainly not for breaking Nancy’s nose. That was Nancy’s own fault, for being so cruel to a new hire, just out of jealousy.
Mainly, though, I was too busy thinking about Valeria to focus on anything else. I had tried tracing her, but Jonathan had proved tough on that. He had disabled Truman from any search tags related to Valeria and her family, so I could never know what she was going through or where she was.
It bothered me heavily and gave me thoughts deep in darkness over my actions that night.
Things were still sore between Jonathan and me and were not looking as if they would heal up any time soon. I had not appreciated him sticking a drug into me to calm me down, but deep down I could understand it all came from a place of love. My anger issues were something else, and only he knew how far I could go.
After the press conference, I went and sat in my office, stewing in my thoughts about Valeria, which was all I seemed to be able to do these days. I was deeply lost in thought.
Knock, knock.
That sound brought me back to the present, and I wondered who it was.
Is Nancy not at her desk?
Another knock at the door piqued my curiosity, and I had to let whoever it was in.
“Come in,” I coughed.
I swung around in my chair, waiting to stand up and receive my guest, when I stopped in my tracks.
There at my door frame stood Lisa Silva.
“This is unexpected,” I remarked, edging towards my desk and leaning in, carefully crossing one foot over the other.
Her eyes scanned through my being, into my thoughts and back to the snap of the present.
She heaved a tired breath of air, and cocked her head to one side, shutting the door behind her.
“We need to talk, Alexander.”
“Does James know you’re here?”
“No, he does not. I came because of matters of the past, and those that affect the present and future,” Lisa Silva mysteriously explained.
She sat opposite me, with her arms tightly crossing her brown leather jacket and her face hunched up to sternly glare at me. Even though she had the look of a high school headmistress, anyone with eyes could clearly tell where Valeria got her looks from.
“How is your daughter?” I asked.
Longing and curiosity made me bold, without thought of any consequence.
She took a long hard look at me and pondered her response, thinking it through before she gave it away.
“I have not seen Valeria for a month, and that is her own will as it is with our God above,” she started.
“Your God, you mean,” I coughed.
It was only polite to make sure we did not get confused with where we both stood.
“As you wish, Alexander,” she scoffed. “I always knew your presence at our church was a publicity stunt, anyway.”
Her shoulders drooped in sadness, as much as she tried to hide it. Lisa’s strength seemed to fade away with the thoughts of her daughter, and in a weird way, I could understand.
“Why are you here, Lisa? I know we had our falling out long ago.”
She had found God and Jesus and left the “sinful life” of her past for a religious family life. Ever since James and I had reconnected at church, I knew that Lisa disliked me. She could pretend it was because she thought I was a hypocrite for being a charitable donor rather than a true believer – and I couldn’t even begrudge her that opinion, as she was entitled to it – but I always knew it was because I knew who she had truly been before, in the past, when no one else at the church knew, and she hadn’t ever wanted them to know.
“I am not here because of that, Alexander. I do have a past and no one needs to know about it. I put it behind me all those years back and I know you are discrete and would not air my dirty laundry to the church. I’m here to talk about getting Valeria her job back,” she cut me off.
I looked into her eyes.
She turned away.
Was she…shying off?
She could not maintain eye contact with me longer than a f
ew seconds, which took me by surprise. Lisa Silva was the fiercest woman I knew, and for her to lose her confidence in my presence meant only one thing.
She’s desperate.
“Alright, Lisa. I’ll save you the trouble of begging for your daughter’s job back. She broke company rules and fell asleep at her desk. She…”
“We both know that’s bullshit, Alex!” she interjected.
Her fists were now on her kneecaps and her fire was growing in intensity.
“You fired her because something else was going on, didn’t you?
I twitched.
“No, Lisa. Rules were broken, and that I cannot tolerate.”
Her face changed.
“Alexander, she is young and has many years to go before she can realize her identity. I am trying, really trying to make her follow the righteous path. Just give her one more chance. Wherever she is, I know she is safe, but a month without seeing my baby girl is too long. She needed this, and you know it.”
For a moment, I saw the Lisa Silva I knew long ago before she was married. The exotic dancer with a fire in her heels, spice on her skin and a dark checkered past. This was back in the days during which I was dealing drugs, so, far be it for me to ever judge her – which I never did, even though she always seemed convinced otherwise – but none of that mattered anymore.
Her words were coming from the right place; I could tell. A moment of silence passed between us, acknowledging the exchange of notions between old friends. I knew I had to make things right with Valeria, and the only way to do that was to find her.
“Alright, then. I will reinstate her as soon as I find her. She did not leave your house because of the job, and that I am sure of. Whatever happened in that house after I left that night —” Lisa caught her breath, taking my sentence in word for word, slowly gazing towards me —“I will know about it one way or another.”