by Ashley Jade
“Just what I said. He doesn't want to see you anymore. At least, not for a while anyway.”
Avoiding her wince, I continue, “Look, he just found out the truth a little over two months ago. He’s still processing it and coming to terms with it. I never gave him your letter until then. I was trying to cover for you. I said that you were doing some Doctors without borders shit in a third world country—but after a year had gone by, he caught on. I know to you he’s still your baby brother, but he’s 16 now, Leah. I couldn’t keep it from him any longer."
She looks up at me. A mixture of hurt and disbelief cross over her pretty features when she stands up. “Well, what exactly did you tell him, Jacob?”
“The truth. He said to give it to him straight, so I did. He was upset. Really upset. Understandably.”
She blanches, but I continue because she needs to hear it. She needs to understand the impact her actions had. “He thinks it was because he was a bad brother. He thinks it was because of something he did. He wants to know why none of us were enough for you. I assured him that it had nothing to do with him. I told him that he wasn't the problem and the problem was you. I also told him that you loved him and you only did what you thought was best for him in the end.”
She blinks, opens her mouth to say something...but starts sobbing uncontrollably instead.
Fuck. Please don't cry, Leah.
Nothing kills me more. If she’s going to keep crying, I have to get the fuck out of here.
Don’t get me wrong. I want to punish her to kingdom come—pun intended, but I don't want to make her upset like this.
We stay in silence for a few moments, her muffled cries filling the guest house.
“I royally fucked everything up, didn't I?” she chokes out.
I lift a shoulder and give her a shrug because I’m unsure how to answer that. I don’t want to make her cry even harder than she already is, and I don’t want to see her in any more pain.
At least, not this kind of pain.
She wipes her face with the back of her hand and clears her throat. “Thank you, Jacob, for everything you've done. I never deserved all that you've done for me.”
She looks me in the eyes. “I never deserved you, period. But either way, I still really appreciate it.” She reaches the front door of the guesthouse but turns around and gives me one last glance. “Please let me know if my brother ever comes around. I'd really like to see him, but I can't say that I blame him—or you, for not reciprocating the feeling."
Fuck, why does this woman make me feel things in the extremes?
Why does it kill me every time I see her walk right out the door? Any door.
I grind my jaw so hard, my molars hurt. I have to put my foot down, I can't cave, but I should at least try and find out what she's up to; and what her future plans are.
You know—for Danny and all.
She twists the doorknob and against my better judgment I find myself saying, “So what are you doing with yourself? I mean, I know you've only been out of rehab for 16 days now—but what are you doing with yourself otherwise?"
I try my hardest to sound cold and uncaring, even though on the inside, I’m slowly becoming unglued all over again. I have absolutely no resolve when it comes to her. I feel like a fucking pussy.
She looks down at the floor and worries her bottom lip between her teeth. “I don't know, to be perfectly honest.” She runs a hand through her ponytail and sighs. ”I know, that doesn't sound too good. I just haven't really figured out what to do for a living yet.”
She curls her arms around herself and squeezes her eyes shut. “Obviously, I lost my license, so there's that. I really have no choice for the time being, but to see if I can still work at my other job. It was a shit hole, but the money was decent.” She looks at me. “Don't worry, I'm still clean. I can even do weekly drug tests for you if you want. Well, in addition to the ones Lillian's making me do for her. I won't go near that stuff again. It cost me way too much already.” Her voice drops down to a whisper. “It cost me everything.”
Shit. Her other job?
Stripping? She can’t be fucking serious.
“You mean your other job at the strip club, Dr. Feel Good?” I mock, making sure my eyes cut her right down to size.
She looks both embarrassed and appalled then. Which of course…makes me feel like a monumental shithead.
Whatever, she fucking deserves it.
I would have given her the world. I would have done anything for her.
She visibly swallows and clutches her hand to her chest. “You know about that? Did Lillian tell you?”
“I saw you, Leah,” I inform her. “With my own eyes. It was about six months ago. You didn't see me—I made sure I sat way in the back.”
I run a hand along my jaw and try not to focus on her, and keep my jealousy in check. “I wanted to see if you were okay—especially after you got arrested. I heard through the grapevine that you were working there, but I didn't believe it. So, I needed to see it for myself.”
My eyes can’t help but look right at her when I utter my next statement, “Unfortunately, I did see it. I saw it all. I also heard a few things, that I wish I never heard as well...stallion."
She scrunches her face and I can physically feel the shame pulsing through her. “I'm sorry, Jacob. I know that must have been awful to see. God, I'm sorry I put you through that. I'm so sorry about every single thing I put you through.”
For a moment, my heart squeezes with her apology, but before I can stop her, she’s running out the door.
I shouldn’t have the urge to stop her from running. And I certainly shouldn't feel bad about her current predicament and I definitely shouldn't want to help her.
I shouldn't want to, but of course, I can’t fucking help myself.
Because underneath all this scar tissue she’s responsible for—is love. Hidden and never to be exposed again, but I still know it's there.
So as per fucking usual, I find myself chasing after her. Wishing I could kick myself the entire time.
“I don't want you going back to working as a stripper again,” I blurt out when I catch up to her.
I clear my throat, wishing I could swallow those words. “I mean, Danny wouldn't want to hear that you’re working as a stripper. I never said a word to him about it, by the way.”
I stuff my hands in the pockets of my jeans. “Listen, I may have a possible position open for you, answering phones for the company that I started. However, it's internet and phone based, that’s why I'm able to work from home. That said—Danny doesn't want to see you yet, so I can't have you in my house. But I can set you up at your own office and give you a paycheck and all that shit. Help you get on your feet again.”
I try to keep my expression casual, but inside I’m in knots because I’m really hoping she’ll take the offer and not go back to taking her clothes off for other men.
No one else should be seeing what's mine. Or, what used to be mine anyway.
And if I’m being honest with myself, there’s a very small part of me that feels responsible for her becoming an addict in the first place. Because if I hadn’t threatened her asshole father and if I just helped exonerate him and gave him the company like he originally wanted...he would have never done this to Leah.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret my decision not to help him, because well, he was a piece of shit and deserved to rot in jail. Nor, do I regret not giving him my company, because then I wouldn't have Jamie's Spot.
But I absolutely hate how everything unfolded and the way it royally fucked up Leah’s life.
And if there was a way to turn back the hands of time, and have him make me suffer and pay, instead of her...I’d take that option in an instant.
That’s why I will always feel partly responsible for what he did to her.
But then again, I remind myself—it was Leah’s choice to remain an addict and choose that route in the end. That was her way of escaping and opting out of li
fe in order to cope.
That was her way of choosing not to lean on the man that loved her, the brother that adored her, or the woman who looked at her like a daughter.
In other words, the people who loved her unconditionally and supported her.
And she knew exactly what she was choosing and what she was giving up, and still; she did it anyway.
And that’s the real fucking clincher for me.
That’s the reality that hurts so fucking much. That’s what makes it so hard for me to forgive her.
That’s the thing that fucks with my head every goddamn night and makes me scream ‘Why, Leah, why?’
Why couldn’t she love me enough? Why did she choose drugs over me—when I choose her over everything? Why will she always love drugs more than me—when I loved her more than anything?
She studies my face for a beat before she answers, “If you're sure about this, and you're truly okay with it. Then I accept.”
She gives me a curious look. “What does your new company do exactly? What's the name?”
I walk ahead of her because being so close to her, is really starting to fuck with me and I need a breather. “I'll get into that tomorrow. I'll meet you at your office at 9am.”
I tilt my head in her direction and narrow my eyes. “Don't make me regret this, Leah. And for god's sake, please don't go back to stripping. If you need money—for something other than drugs, and your paycheck isn't cutting it, just let me know."
She gives me a small nod, but I ignore her and walk the path back to my house.
I've either just made a very good decision or a horrible one.
However, I can't stand the thought of her taking her clothes off for anyone but me.
Not that I would be allowing that to happen in the first place.
It was strictly business, between us now— nothing more, nothing less.
Chapter 40 (Leah)
As devastating as it is to hear that the person, actually the two people I love more than anything in the world, want nothing to do with me for the time being...I’m grateful for Jacob's offer.
I really don’t want to return to stripping, especially now that I’m sober.
Hell, I could barely even stand it when I was high out of my mind.
For the first few months, it boosted my dwindling self-esteem, in some kind of sick way that’s hard to explain, but that got old, real fast.
Besides, there really aren't too many 27-year-old strippers around, my days are numbered as it is.
I am curious about this new company of Jacob’s. What does it entail? What made him start a new company in the first place? What will it be like having Jacob as my boss?
But then I realize...that even if I don’t like it, it's a living. And that’s what really matters right now, I need to find a way to support myself and Danny again.
And the more I think about it, I’m sure having Jacob as my boss won’t be that big a deal—because I know that Jacob will never make it anything more than business with me.
Not after everything that I've done to him.
That thought alone saddens me in a way that I can’t even put into words. There's nothing like realizing just how much you’ve fucked everything up and you have no one else to blame for your mistakes but yourself.
Reality is a real bitch sometimes.
The best I could hope for now was to get my brother back in my life—and try not to rock the boat too much with Jacob.
As much as I want to rock the boat with him in my own way of course.
Because...damn, he looked good. Way too fucking good, as usual.
I was actually surprised to hear that he wasn't married or back to screwing supermodels and escorts again.
Why in the world is he still single? I've literally seen women stop everything they were doing and start panting like cats in heat at the very sight of him. Myself included.
The only reasoning I can come up with is that he's still single because he wants to be. It’s certainly not because of lack of options on his part.
And the more I let myself think about it, I come to the off-putting conclusion that he's probably back to fucking everything in a skirt, and I have absolutely no right to be jealous or upset this time.
I mean, I fucked a grimy drug dealer for an entire year—and took off my clothes for loads of men every night.
I really have no right at all, I reason with myself again. No matter how much the thought of him being with anyone else but me causes my heart to plummet.
I get up and pour myself a cup of coffee, from my portable mini coffee maker. I yawn as I glance up at the clock on the wall. Jacob will be here in 10 minutes.
I briefly do a once over in the mirror and grimace. Too bad there isn’t a shower in this god forsaken place. I mentally curse myself for not waking up earlier to go to the gym.
Luckily, my membership at the gym, the one I never use for exercise, affords me the luxury of a shower almost every single day.
I rub my temples, take a breath, and let it out slowly. God, I wish I could go for a run in the woods.
I walk to the window and look outside. I would go for a run around here, but I'd probably get nicked by a drive-by shooting in this freaking neighborhood.
As soon as I’m able to save some money, I’m definitely getting the heck out of here. But, there’s still something to be said about my moxie when it comes to staying clean, because even during my worst moments…I still haven't caved.
And for that, I’m proud of myself. It doesn’t wash away the pain and grief of my past or my mistakes, but it’s a very tiny glimmer of hope that I cling to.
I look at my phone and sigh. Pauly’s called me like five times over the last two days, but I didn’t answer. He's the last person I need to be speaking to right now, or ever.
I run my hand along the edges of my thin sleep shirt and realize that I should probably be getting dressed.
I make quick work of digging out a t-shirt and a pair of jeans.
I’m tossing my sleep shirt over my head and doing up the clasp to my bra when I’m startled by a small noise. I look over my shoulder, and of course, that's the exact moment that Jacob decides to make his presence known .
He quickly closes the door, with him on the other side of it. “Shit, I’m sorry, Leah. I'm used to this being an office building,” he calls out.
I slip my new t-shirt over my head. “It's okay. It's nothing you haven't seen before.”
You and half the guys in the neighborhood, I think to myself, as I finish getting dressed.
I button up my jeans and turn around. “You can come on in.”
He walks in, looks around, and makes a face. “Hello, Dr. Adams.”
I can’t help but wince.
That’s a low blow, and he knows it.
He almost looks apologetic for a moment...almost. But then he focuses on the objects he’s brought with him.
I look down and notice that he’s carrying a laptop bag, a phone, and some kind of switchboard.
I sit at my desk and turn on my computer.
He proceeds to stand over me and set everything up, appearing deep in concentration, but I don’t miss the way his eyes have that small twinkle in them as he messes around with the computer.
I bite back a smile, because as hot as Jacob is...he’s most definitely a total nerd at heart.
And that fact only makes him even hotter.
“Okay, so can you please explain everything about your company now?”
He doesn’t look at me, he keeps his gaze focused on the screen in front of him. “I run a not for profit company specializing in dealing with catching pedophiles. The new security software I developed helps catch them. We also take care of the victim's and provide all of their medical and psychological needs. Anything they may need, really. That's what you'll be doing actually. Answering the phones and getting their contact information, basically helping to set them up with everything. We also take calls regarding potential pedophiles. We work clos
ely with the FBI, and we keep them aware of anything and everything we find so they can make the arrests and what not.”
I stare at him wide-eyed. As if it wasn't hard enough for me to control my feelings around this man, he drops some shit like this on me.
My god, he really is fucking perfect. And I blew it, I blew it big time. I'm such a fucking idiot.
I give him a smile, although what I really want to do is press myself against him and show him just how much I want him.
“What's the name of the company?” I ask. Since I was going to be answering the phones, it’s important that I know.
He appears uneasy and looks down at the floor, his hands finding the pockets of his jeans.
I watch his Adam's apple bob as he swallows thickly. “Jamie's Spot,” he whispers.
I sit there frozen, for the first five minutes as tears well in my eyes. I can’t control my reaction to this even if I tried.
Then before I can talk myself out of it, I stand up and wrap my arms around him. I have to touch him, I have to show him what this means to me.
It occurs to me that I’ve never gone out of my way to be affectionate with him before, he was always the one seeking me out, and I was the one always pulling away. That thought only makes me feel like more of a jackass.
The tears are still streaming down my face, but I don’t care, he stills at first, no doubt thrown off by my random display of affection, before finally returning my hug.
I squeeze him tighter because I don’t want to let him go. I never want to let him go again.
His smell, his touch, his sinful good looks, the way he makes me feel. It’s all affecting me in the most profound way at the moment.
But the thing that affects me the most right now? That sweet and kind heart of his, it’s hidden deep underneath his controlling and tough exterior. But it’s there and it draws me right in like a magnet to metal.
We stand hugging for a few moments before he straightens his spine and pulls away.
He clears his throat and finishes fixing up the switchboard. He then gives me the run-down regarding how everything works and tells me to call him with any problems.
He grabs his laptop bag and I look up at him. “Thank you, Jacob, I really appreciate it.”