by Ashley Jade
His gaze falls to my chest and my breath catches. "I figured, I should do it now—you know, before I go in the shower.”
It’s really not fair the way he always seems to know exactly how to provoke a response from my body.
Especially now, because I know I can’t have him.
I decide to give him a little payback for being such a tease. I lift my water bottle, aim, and squirt water at him.
His eyes turn fierce as he brings up the hem of his shirt to wipe his face.
Yeah, my plan totally backfired, because now all I can concentrate on are those glorious abs of his.
“Stop acting like a brat, Dr. Adams. Or I'll be forced to reprimand you." He hooks a finger over the top of my sports bra and tugs me to him. “Here, why don't you cool off a little.”
He then proceeds to pour the rest of his water bottle down the front of my sports bra, making me gasp while simultaneously turning my nipples into pointy ice cubes.
My gasps soon turn into full blown panting when he pulls me and swings me against the front door.
His eyes travel over my breasts again before giving me a crooked grin as he reaches down, hitches one of my legs around his waist, and grabs a handful of my ass. “Fuck,” he rasps. “I can't help myself. I always want you...always.”
“I always want you. More than anything,” I whisper, looking up at him.
I’m desperately hoping he can tell that I mean it with all of my heart.
“Leah,” he breathes, cupping my face in his hands.
The sound of my name coming from his mouth is too much to take. I softly brush my lips over his, throw my arms around his neck, and press my body against him.
He groans and leans into me harder as he buries his hands in my hair. He slowly licks my bottom lip and crushes his mouth against mine in a kiss that reminds me of the exact way he used to tickle and tease me down below before devouring me whole.
I need him...now. A kiss isn't going to be enough. It will never be enough for me.
I want him buried so deep inside me, my own organs won’t be able to resist from submitting to his presence, failing to ever function properly without him again.
“I need to feel you inside me. Please,” I whisper before I suck his bottom lip into my mouth. “Hell, I’ll get down on my hands and knees and beg for your cock if that’s what you need to hear first.”
“Goddamn, baby,” he murmurs against my lips as I feel his hand brush past mine and reach for the doorknob.
“So, is this what you meant when you said she was doing much better now, Jacob?” a deep voice interjects.
Jacob pushes off me in an instant and my hands fly to mouth when I look up.
Danny’s standing there—looking so much older and taller than I last remembered him being.
Heck, another two inches and he would be Jacob's height of 6'2.
God, how much have I missed?
He grew up, but not before my very eyes—like he should have, because I ruined that.
Jacob and I quickly move away from one another as Danny looks at us in a horrible combination of contempt and disgust.
When I look up into his brown eyes again, eyes that are nearly identical to my own. I clearly see that it’s all directed straight at me—making me wish the ground would just swallow me up whole.
Jacob’s face falls. “Danny, I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm so sorry, kid. What are you doing home from school?”
“I wasn't feeling all that great so I called Lillian and she told me to come home. Thanks a lot, Jacob. Now, I feel ten times worse—” He sweeps a hand in my direction. “Especially after seeing this shit," he bites out through his now much deeper voice.
No matter, how much this hurts. I can't let Jacob take the wrap for this.
Besides, it’s not his fault. It’s mine...all of it.
“Danny, please don't be mad at Jacob. It was my fault—” I start to say before he cuts me off.
“Yeah, Leah. It is all your fault, you fucking worthless junkie,” he spits.
I feel my chest cave right in with his words and I’m pretty sure I stop breathing altogether.
“Danny, stop!” Jacob yells.
I put my hand up and halt Jacob. Danny has a right to express himself, no matter how much it will hurt me.
He deserves that—and I’m going to have no choice but to accept and handle it, without turning to drugs again. I’m going to have to feel all of his pain, as well as mine—because I'm the one responsible for it.
I take a step forward. “God, I'm so sorry, Danny. I love you so much. I never, ever meant to hurt you. I swear—”
He shoots me a look laced with so much infuriating resentment, I almost shake. “You left me. You were all I had…since day one.” He points a finger at me. “You fucking abandoned me when I needed you the most. I needed you after our piece of shit father kidnapped me and I couldn't even remember it. I needed you after he took you and Jacob got you back for me. I needed you...but you weren’t there.”
He squeezes the brim of his baseball cap and closes his eyes. “Shit, I thought we were going to get through it all together— just like we got through everything together. Every single fucking thing—me and you. Us against the fucking world.”
He opens his eyes and glares at me. “I thought we were a team. I thought you loved me, but it turns out you love drugs more.”
He bangs his fist against the paneling of the guest house, denting it. ”I never would have done that to you, Leah, ever!”
Jacob grabs his shoulder and attempts to calm him down.
I just stand there, in a combination of shock and disheartenment as he continues, “That's not the worst part, though, Leah.”
He takes a step closer and peers down at me. “The worst part, is seeing you try to get into Jacob's pocket's, via his pants—all so you can support your repulsive habit. It's evident that you are nothing more than a heroin whore now— just like our mother was. You’re despicable and you make me sick," he sneers, before turning around and making his way back to the house.
I collapse against the door, drawing my knees up to my chest.
My god, I knew Danny was hurting. I expected it. I thought I braced myself for it. But I never could have ever prepared myself for this.
I’ve never felt in danger of relapsing since I’ve been out of rehab...at least, not until this very moment. The impact of his words, makes me want to shoot up and make the pain stop more than ever.
But even so, I have to find a way to summon up some more perseverance and stay strong.
If for nothing else then to prove to Danny that I’m not our mother.
I’m better than that. And even though I wasn’t during the times I was using, it doesn’t mean that I can’t try to be better than that now.
But holy hell, it all hurts so fucking much right now.
Jacob's focus keeps shifting between me, collapsed against the door and Danny's back as he walks into the house.
It’s almost like he doesn't know which one to console or deal with first. “I have to talk to him, Leah. I'm sorry,” he says, before he takes off running after Danny.
Good. I was hoping he would choose Danny over me.
I’m glad Danny has Jacob. I’m happy that Jacob is always there for him.
But it still doesn’t stop the sting of knowing that he’s there for him— like I should have been...but failed to be.
Chapter 43 (Jacob)
I take off running after Danny. Being as he has an early start, he reaches his bedroom in no time.
I take a deep breath before I enter.
I can't believe I was so irresponsible. I can't believe I hurt Danny. I have to make this right.
A part of me wishes that I never told him the truth about Leah after all.
The things he said to her, makes my heart ache for her. It stings me to my very core. And if it’s causing me to feel this way, I can’t even imagine how she must be feeling.
If there was ever a time for her to relapse
, it’s now.
“Danny, man I'm so fucking sorry—” I begin.
He hangs his head. “I'm not mad at you. I get it, I know you love my sister. You always have and I know she loved you too. Maybe she still does.” He shrugs. “I mean, as much as a heroin whore can love another, that is."
My stomach sinks and I take a step forward. It’s time to set him straight. “Danny. I understand your anger, but please, don't ever call her that again. She's trying, she really is. I'm sorry I didn't tell you more and fill you in on everything. I didn't want to push you before you were ready.”
I shift my stance and look at him. “I have her sleeping in the guest house because she was living out of her office and her old drug dealer kept trying to come by and get her to use. She stayed strong, though, through all of that. She's also working for my company as a secretary.”
I drag a hand through my hair and swallow. “She's trying really hard to get her life back in order. She's trying to do the right thing now. I told her not to contact you, she's devastated, but she understands. She didn't even want to live in the guest house at first, but I couldn't let her live in that neighborhood—so I insisted that she did.”
I clear my throat. “I couldn't let her former drug dealer keep coming by to tempt her every single day. She even does weekly tests for Lillian. Every single one of them has come back clean, Danny. She goes to meetings at least once a day and Lillian goes with her to make sure no one can approach her after and get her to use. She asked Lillian to do that for her because she doesn't want to use.”
I sink to my haunches and look up at him. “She wants our forgiveness. She wants to prove that she's changed. Now, I can't make that decision for you. That is all on you—but I will tell you, that I refuse to set her up for failure, especially when she's trying so hard. I also refuse to hurt you—so if you want her gone, then I will find someplace else for her to live and I will take care of everything.”
He stares at me for a few moments, guilt flashing across his face. “Shit. I didn't mean to go off on her like that. And I really didn't mean to call her a whore—that was wrong of me.”
He pulls off his baseball cap and lifts a shoulder. “I'm glad she's doing better. It makes me happy, really happy. I understand why you did what you did. I don't want her to leave either, I think she should stay. If it’s still okay with you, of course.”
I open my mouth to answer but he continues, “I'm not ready to deal with her yet—especially after today, but I do want her to stay. I want her to be safe. I love her, Jacob, I really do. But I'm so fucking mad at her for abandoning me the way she did. I need more time, but I want her here. I want her to have the best chance for recovery. And between you and me, I'm really proud of her for staying strong. Make sure you tell her that for me. But just that—for now.”
I nod and give him a smile. This is good, in time, they'll be able to fix their relationship. That’s what I really want for them.
I give his shoulder a squeeze, and make my way out the door.
“Jacob. Make sure she doesn't hurt you again,” he calls out. “That's the other thing I'm worried about because then it will affect our relationship and I really don't want that.”
He turns his attention to his laptop. “You know how much I look up to you, even though I don't really say it. I mean, part of me hopes you guys can still work it out and shit. Just make sure she doesn't destroy you again, because that would hurt me, for multiple reasons. I don’t want to lose you and Lillian too.”
I shake my head. “No matter what happens, you’re not losing us, kid,” I assure him before I walk out of his room.
I enter my own bedroom and sink into a chair.
I don't know what to do anymore. I snort out loud, because I know damn well, what I want to do—but that doesn't make it right. Danny has a point, I need to be careful.
Christ, I miss the feeling of her body against mine. I miss the way she gets my cock harder than a rod of steel.
Fuck, I need to proceed with caution. Messing around with Leah is like going for a swim in shark infested waters with a bucket of chum tied around your neck.
In other words, risky and fucking stupid.
Hell, I shouldn't even be contemplating messing around with her at all.
I love her and lord knows, I want her—but I still want to punish her.
I can’t let her unlock my heart again. She ruined that chance, all on her own.
However, I still need sex, with her and only her. She’s the only one who can satisfy my craving.
I know exactly what type of relationship I want with her now—and it goes far beyond booty calls, hookups, or friends with benefits bullshit. That won’t ever be enough to satiate me when it comes to her.
I need and want to make her all of those things that I wrote in the letter to her father that day.
The one I wrote before she changed me. Hell, the one I wrote when she had already begun to change me.
The one I wrote, because I wanted to protect her, but was too stubborn to admit that she was different from any other women I’d ever met in my life.
The letter, I tried to explain, but she never gave me a chance to—because she took off, yet a-fucking-gain.
The letter, that led to her being taken and turned into a heroin addict. The letter that caused me to lose her forever.
The letter I wish I’d never written in the first place.
Doesn’t change my feelings on wanting to own her and control her, though.
And there’s really no way I'll be able to tell her what I need from her, in order for me to cope with all the pain she caused me.
I’ll sound like a monster. Hell, I probably am one.
I’ve never felt bad about having women submit to my will before. Shit, some women have even offered to pay me for my services in the past because they loved it so much.
Of course, I always treated them with the utmost respect after the act—not during.
I was a complete asshole during the act. Which worked out quite well for them...and me.
Then, Leah came along.
Leah with her uptight, innocent yet jaded, pain in my ass, attitude...and I fell—hard.
And my god did I fall even harder for her after I fucked her.
She let go of her uptight facade and she let me see the real her, and it was beautiful... every single bit of it.
I've never been more stunned and in awe of someone like I was with Leah. She was both dominate and submissive—at the same damn time.
Not only did I never think it was possible to be both...but before her, I wasn’t aware it was a combination I’d ever enjoy. And damn, did I enjoy it.
There's just something about a woman like that, that makes you have to stop and catch your breath.
There's an inner strength that shines through in those moments, especially in Leah.
Strength—because I could willingly make her do the one thing that I hated doing myself—lose control. That took some guts.
There's something fascinating about a woman handing you the control, and trusting you enough, with not only their sexual desires; but their life.
It's the ultimate exchange of power—a fucking gift.
It’s also the ultimate way that I want to punish Leah, all while ensuring that she’s all mine.
I know it’s the only thing that will ever numb the pain, because it’s how I always dealt with my pain in the past, especially after my mother died.
It was my outlet, it was my addiction.
It’s my way of maintaining control, and not letting emotions ever get the best of me—just like my father taught me.
But, it’s the one thing that I can’t seem to bring myself to do to her. Especially now, not with all that she's going through.
Therefore, I really have to put an end to whatever's starting to brew between us again, before it gets out of hand.
Before I’m unable to put an end to it.
***
I head out back to the guest hous
e.
I can hear her sobbing hysterically from outside the front door.
Fuck, this is bad.
I open the door, walk in, and find her curled up in a ball on the hardwood floor. Her eyes are swollen, and her face is pale—she’s a shaking, sobbing mess.
It reminds me of the way she cried when Danny was missing. This is a form of torture that I can't bear to see her be put through.
Without thinking, I sink down to the floor, pick her up, and cradle her in my arms. She momentarily looks surprised before she goes back to crying. I sweep her hair off her face and gently rock her like a baby in my arms—her sobs now muffled as she presses her face into my chest.
I run one hand along her shoulder and back in a soothing motion, hoping to calm her down.
The sight of Leah in tears, coming apart like this—is my undoing, every single time.
I can’t take it, but I swear, I’ll hold her in my arms forever if that’s what she needs to feel better and make it through this.
I’ll do anything for her as long as she doesn't go back to using again.
After what feels like hours, she finally lifts her head and looks at me. “I'm sorry, Jacob. You don't have to hold me anymore.”
She sits up and scurries out of my arms. “I appreciate it, but I don't want to cause any more problems for you. I've already packed my stuff. Lillian thinks she knows of a studio apartment that I'll be able to afford. Please, just take care of my brother for me.” Her voice wavers and she chokes back another sob. ”I really do love him so much."
My eyes narrow and my teeth clench, because now?
Now...I’m fucking pissed.
She’s running, yet again. She's doing the one thing that always turns me into a controlling beast.
“Unpack your fucking shit now,” I bark so loud the windows rattle.
She turns around and faces me, looking both scared and stunned. “I don't understand, Jacob. I told you. I don't want to cause you or my brother any more pain or problems,” she whispers, taking a step back nervously.
“Then don't fucking leave—again,” I say, dropping my voice down to a dull roar.
She frowns. “The studio apartment is close and it's in a good area. I'll still continue to work for you, if you’ll let me; and Lillian will still go with me to meetings. I will not go back to using, you have my word. I will never go back to that.”