by Ashley Jade
She shakes her head and reaches for her bag. “Especially after today. Danny's words tore me to pieces. But, I deserved it. I even deserve to be called a whore—although I would never, ever use you for your money. But, I did take my clothes off for other men. I did things for drugs, that I can't take back. So, I did become my mother. He was right.”
I snatch the bag out of her hands. “I said unpack your fucking shit now— before I do it for you. Your brother doesn't want you to leave. None of us do. He said he's really proud of you for staying strong. He's just hurting right now, and it's going to take him awhile to get over it. He wants you to stay. He wants you to have the best chance for recovery.”
My heart hammers as I look at her, hoping I can get through to her. “We all do. Stop running away from everything all the fucking time. That's how you get people's forgiveness. By staying and facing the bad shit. By taking responsibility for your actions.”
I stand back and exhale sharply. “God, you apologize for the wrong shit, all the time. Don’t get me wrong, lately, your apologies have been justified— but they weren't in the past.”
I swallow hard and continue, because I really need to get this shit off my chest, and more importantly, she needs to hear it. “You should have apologized to yourself for how hard you used to be on yourself— instead of turning into a heroin addict. You put yourself through the fucking ringer time and time again. But you didn't do anything wrong back then. You weren't the reason your parents didn't love you the way they should have. You weren't the reason they treated you like shit and hurt you over and over again. It had nothing to do with you—it was all them. You weren't the reason for Jamie's death.”
I draw in a breath and look into her eyes. “You're not unlovable, Leah, far from it. But you need to learn how to forgive yourself and love yourself. The biggest apology you need to make...is the one to yourself. And until you learn to do that, you’ll never be able to see the forest, or the woods, through the trees and see shit for what it really is. You'll never be able to stop running.”
Before she can stop me, I turn around and walk out the door, I’m done with the conversation.
I’m not fucking chasing her anymore. She needs to learn to stay all on her own.
She needs to want to stay.
Chapter 44 (Leah)
Jacob's words really hit home.
I finally decided to stay, for once. He was right, I need to learn how to forgive and love myself. And little by little, I was.
The night I received my 30-day chip, was one of my proudest moments. Right up there with when I took my oath to become a doctor.
I held it up to Lillian like a damn prize and she grinned from ear to ear.
Technically I had been sober for over two months now, but I didn't count my detox or rehab as part of my time.
Not that those days didn't count in general because of course they did—it was the first step; but the truth of the matter is, it’s relatively easy to stay sober in the confines of a rehab.
The hard part comes, when the real world smacks you in the face when you’re stone cold sober.
The hard part comes, when the person you love so much, calls you a junkie to your face and says you’re exactly like your mother.
The hard part comes—when you finally learn to take responsibility for the things you caused but learn to let go of the pain and hurt from things that are beyond your control.
Lillian gives me a big hug when we return home from the meeting. She makes me wait outside the door to Jacob’s house as she goes to grab something in the kitchen.
Knowing Lillian, it’s something delicious.
She left the front door open and I look up as Danny comes down the stairs. A brick lodges itself in my throat when he stops and stares at me. I’m not sure I can handle hearing what else he has to get off his chest. Especially tonight.
I’m getting ready to turn around and leave but Lillian returns. She’s carrying a big chocolate cake in her hands with the words ‘I’m proud of you, Leah,’ scrawled in thick white icing.
She looks at me with tears in her eyes. “I'm so proud of you, dear. Two whole months and your thirty-day chip. I love you, thank you for staying strong."
I wrap her in a big hug as tears spring to my eyes as well. This woman may not have given birth to me, but she sure as hell loves me like a mother’s supposed to. I’m so lucky to have her by my side.
I glance up and Danny's eyes hold mine. Then he gives me one of the biggest smiles I’ve ever seen from him.
I’m so amazed, I just stand there for a few seconds. I finally return his smile before he turns around and walks back up the staircase.
I close my eyes, this is progress. My brother hasn’t given up on me yet.
I thank Lillian and give her another big hug, before returning to the guest house.
I walk into the kitchen and find Jacob waiting there for me. As usual, his presence causes butterfly’s to swarm in my stomach.
He gives me a cocky smile and gestures to the cake. “I figured you might need some help finishing that.”
I thought it would be awkward between us since we haven’t spoken much in the last two weeks—not since that kiss or that conversation, but it’s actually comforting that he’s here right now.
Well, comforting and annoying, if I’m being honest. Comforting because I love how supportive he is about my sobriety. Annoying because I want him and love him, so fucking much.
Seeing him is nothing but a constant reminder of just how much I screwed up.
On the bright side, he’s still here for me, as a friend of some sort, if nothing else.
I count my lucky stars for that. Every single night. But, it still doesn’t keep me from wanting him or wishing I could undo all I caused.
I give him a feeble smile and bring two forks over to the table. Lillian’s cake looks way too good to bother with plates.
He takes the fork and looks at me. “I'm really proud of you, Leah. You're amazing.”
My heart jumps as he takes a huge forkful of Lillian’s cake and shoves it in his mouth.
“Thanks. That means a lot,” I say, before indulging in my own bite.
Damn, Lillian sure knows how to bake.
I close my eyes and can’t help but moan out loud, it’s so good.
When I open my eyes, I find Jacob staring at me intently. His swallows hard and his mouth parts.
His expression is somewhere between arousal and uneasiness. That’s definitely something I've never seen from him before.
He’s never had any problem expressing how he feels—sexually that is. And I’ve never had any problem giving him whatever he needed sexually. Well, once I finally got over myself and stopped acting so uptight. Once I stopped pretending like I was so perfect and I had everything under control.
Once I let him see the real me…not just my protective shell.
Nope, Jacob and I certainly never had any problems in the sex department. That’s for damn sure.
I look down at his lips and bite back a laugh. He has the tiniest drop of chocolate on them.
Because the urge I feel is too strong, I sweep my finger over his lips and swipe up the drop of chocolate, before putting it in my mouth.
His jaw sets and his eyes shoot daggers at me, warning me to stop, but yet, daring me at the same time to keep going.
Since I’m not one to back down from a challenge, I decide to up the ante.
I scoop up more frosting off the cake and slowly lick it off my finger.
In an instant, his hand creeps up my shorts. “Leah, cut the shit,” he warns, his fingers stroking the outside edges of my panties. “You're heading for trouble, and you know it.” His voice drops to a deadly whisper. “Just like you know, I have no problem giving you something else you can lick right now.”
Challenge accepted.
I crinkle my nose and scoop up more chocolate frosting, repeating the movement. Only this time I draw it out and moan.
He pushes back his
chair and stands up. My eyes practically bulge out of my head when I take in how hard he is.
Jacob’s always been huge, but; my oh my, it seems like he’s even bigger than I remembered at the moment.
He takes a step forward and I take a deep breath.
I look down again. Yup, I want that in my mouth. I want it everywhere, but right now? That’s the only thing I want to be licking.
I undo the button on his jeans, causing him to draw in a ragged breath. I drag down his zipper and run my hand along his hard on.
“I miss you, Jacob. All of you,” I whisper, as I bring my hand inside his jeans.
He closes his eyes and rolls his head back.
Then, he stops me.
I don’t understand what I did wrong. Jacob thrives on sex. What’s his problem?
He swiftly zips his jeans up. “I can't, I'm sorry. It's not right. You can't give me what I need and it would be wrong of me to ask you for it.”
Now, I’m more than confused. “I have no problem giving you what you need. In fact, that's just what I was about to do.”
“No, Leah. You don't understand. It’s complicated. I can't just go back to the way things were between us. You broke a big part of me. The good part. The part I was trying to let myself become for you because I loved you so goddamned much.”
He rubs his neck. “But I can't exactly go back to being who I used to be either—the womanizer who fucked anything in a skirt. I don't want tons and tons of women anymore.”
He closes his eyes. “I still only want you. You really did change me. Loving you changed me. And now that it's over, I'm stuck in this land of in-between and nothingness.”
He tilts my chin and looks at me. “But, I refuse to cause you to have a setback. Just like I refuse, to give you false hope of our relationship ever going back to the way it was. That won't ever happen again. So, that’s why I can't do this. I only came here to tell you how proud of you I am.”
He drops his hand and turns toward the door.
It dawns on me that I really did destroy him. I destroyed this strong, controlling, powerful man. The man that I love.
I thought me leaving would have prevented all that. That’s why I did it.
Clearly, I was wrong. So wrong.
And I don't want him to suffer any longer.
I'm not exactly sure what it is that he wants from me. But, if I can do something to make his pain go away and take it on as my own—I’ll do it.
I don't want him to feel like this anymore, he doesn't deserve that.
“Jacob stop,” I call out. “Why don't you let me make my own choice regarding whatever it is that you need from me. Just be honest with me and I'll let you know if I can handle it."
He turns around then. “You can't handle it. Trust me. You've only seen the good side of me, because of how much I loved you. You've sparked the beast before—but I made sure to keep him far away from you.”
His tall frame peers down at me. “I never wanted to hurt you before, I only wanted to sweep you off your feet. But not anymore. The things I want to do to you are intense. So intense, you would probably run off, and I couldn't blame you for it this time.”
His eyes burn into me. “I want to use you for my own needs, control you—own you. Everything in that fucking letter. But even more disturbing than that? I don't want to be sweet and nice to you when I fuck you. I want to be mean and raw...I want to fucking punish you for hurting me so goddamn much.”
My jaw drops and I stay silent. He snorts and heads for the door again. “Told you, you couldn’t handle it, Leah. Consider yourself lucky that I’m not who I used to be anymore, otherwise, I wouldn’t give a fuck—I’d do whatever it took to make you bend to my will. Just like the last time.”
That’s certainly the last thing I ever expected him to say. But, at least he’s being honest with me.
He’s also giving me an outlet to take away his pain. I know we can't have the relationship that I want, but at least I can help heal him.
Plus, I like all that dirty talk and submissive shit anyway.
I never thought I would, but Jacob gave me confidence during sex. I liked exploring all my boundaries with him.
I liked that Jacob always pushed my sex buttons, each and every one of them. I liked the way he challenged me and my body. It made me feel both courageous and sexy. I also liked provoking and getting a rise out of him. And I always loved letting him win, because then I always won too.
And now? There’s another important thing to add to that list.
I fully trust him.
And because of that—I like the thought of him owning me, it makes me feel strong.
It makes me feel...loved.
“I can handle it, Jacob,” I say as he turns around in shock.
Chapter 45 (Jacob)
I decide to come clean about what I really want—because I’m trying to get her to stop tempting me so damn much.
I’m trying to be there for her— but my cock keeps getting in the way every time I look at her.
I figured once I told her, she’d stop acting like a little seductress and it would be easier.
The last thing I expect her to say is that she can handle it. I think I’ve heard her wrong. Apparently my dick has taken over my hearing now too.
I shake my head. “You can't mean that.”
“I do, I trust you. That's why I'm agreeing to this. Well, that and it sounds like it would be good—for the both of us.”
No, she’s joking. Although she looks dead serious at the moment, as well as drop dead gorgeous, as usual.
Fuck, my dick is throbbing. But I have to ignore that, I have to make sure she really understands.
Not that I even understand everything I’m feeling when it comes to her. I’m all kinds of mixed up.
“Did you actually hear what I said? There's no way you would want that. Stop bullshitting me.”
She stands up from the table and walks over to me. I forget to breathe, she's so goddamn captivating.
My conscience gnaws at me, though. I can't do this to her, it’s not fair, she’s too fragile—it’s not right.
“Run, Leah,” I say. “For the first time—I'm telling you to run.”
She smiles and shakes her head and that only infuriates me. She’s not taking me seriously.
My eyes narrow and I pin her with a stare. “I want you to run so I don't grab the back of your fucking head and make you deep throat my cock so hard you fucking cry."
She looks down at my erection and purses her lips. All I can think about now is how much I want—no need—those lips wrapped around my cock right fucking now.
“Let me make you feel better,” she whispers. “I want to. I want you, Jacob.”
Then it occurs to me, she may want me, but for reasons I fail to comprehend at the moment, I just don't think I'm ready to have sex with her, yet. Goddammit, what the hell is wrong with me?
She glances down at my erection again and licks her lips. I should be embarrassed on some level, but I’m not. I have to test her first, make sure she knows I’m not fucking around. I have to give her a little taste, or rather; I’m going to make her taste me.
But first, I need to lay down some rules. Or, at least, one rule in particular.
“The safe word is—‘deception’,” I tell her. “All you have to do is say that word and I stop everything, no questions or judgments.”
That was always my safe word with women. Besides the obvious way it was supposed to be used...it was also my way of reminding women not to be deceived by what it was with me.
I didn’t want them to think there was ever a possibility of anything more than just sex with me…because there wasn't—and if they couldn't handle that—it was best they just stopped and left.
I didn't want anyone to be deceived, by who I really was and of course—I never wanted it to stop.
Leah was my deception. She was my best deception.
She was the only one, who was ever able to make me stop bei
ng such a controlling, womanizing jerk...because I wanted to.
However, she’s about to see what an asshole I really can be. My own protective shell is going to be making a reappearance.
It’s the only way I can protect myself from the power and control she has over me. It’s the only way I can protect myself from how I still feel about her.
She nods. “Okay, deception. Got it.”
“Good. Now get on your knees,” I command.
I’m expecting her to slap me across the face, but she doesn’t. Instead, she drops down to her knees before me. Her eyes are challenging me to keep going.
Fucking Leah, always a challenge. It's what I love about sex with her, though. That push and pull between us. And right now, I’m doing the pushing.
I unzip my pants—my cock bobs in front of her face and her eyes spark with arousal.
I bite back a groan, grab the base of my cock and hold it out to her, making sure my tip grazes that plump bottom lip of hers. “Open your mouth and show me just how much you missed this cock.”
My balls tingle when she opens her mouth and wraps her lips around me. My cock throbs as she begins sucking me off. It’s been so long. Too fucking long.
My head rolls back and I can feel myself start to become undone.
I need the control, I remind myself. She can't take it from me again.
I reach for the back of her head with one hand. “Suck me harder,” I order.
She increases her suction and takes me in even deeper. I start thrusting into her mouth, fully expecting her to call the safe word out at any moment…but she doesn’t.
The sounds of her slurping on my cock fill the room, and it feels like goddamn paradise. If she keeps this up, I’m going to lose my shit.
But it’s still not good enough, I need more. I want her to choke on it, I want fucking tears sliding out the corner of her eyes as she gags.
I want her to know exactly whose cock her lips are wrapped around—who fucking owns those pretty little lips of hers.