by Ashley Jade
I almost believe her. But that’s dangerous because I know the real truth.
I knew the real truth back when I asked her what she wanted more, me or heroin...and she told me both.
I don't like to share—I refuse to. And with Leah? I’d always be sharing her with drugs, and I can't handle that. I need her to want me, fully with every part of her heart, body, and soul.
I wanted to fuck the heroin right out of her back then, but I knew it was no use.
Her addiction is the only thing stronger than what she feels for me. It’s the only thing that could destroy her, destroy us...destroy me.
I fucking hate it more than I've ever hated anything, and that's saying a lot.
I need to get control over myself. I need to figure a way to stop loving her, stop craving her, stop all of these fucking feelings I have when it comes to her.
“Fuck!” I shout, pounding my fist on the desk.
There’s a knock on my door, I quickly gather my bearings as Danny walks in. “Jacob? Can I come in?”
He looks nervous, shit this can't be good.
“Yeah kid, what's up?” I ask, trying to remain calm.
He takes a step forward. “I think I'm ready to talk to her. I just wanted to let you know—” He pauses. "I guess I just want your opinion or advice, I don't know.”
This is a big step, huge in fact. Leah and I can wait til later, this is way more important.
“I think that's good. Real good, Danny.” I take a seat at my desk. “Honestly? I think you should speak straight from the heart—without letting your anger cloud your words. Calling her names isn't the right way to go about it.”
I look at him. “Now, I’ll never tell you not to express yourself, but I am telling you to control your anger as best as you can when you speak to her. She really does love you. And I know you love her, therefore, she doesn’t deserve the harshness you displayed the last time you spoke to her."
I rub my face and sigh. “She knows how much she messed up, Danny. Keep that in mind when you talk to her.”
He gives me a nod. “Thank you, Jacob. I appreciate it. I think I'm gonna give myself a little more time, so I don't go off on her like before. It's going to be really hard, but it's something I need to do. I can't make any promises about controlling my anger when I finally do talk to her, but I promise that I’ll try my best."
He turns to leave. “That's all I ask, Danny,” I say before he walks out the door.
I sink down in my chair. At least someone is able to control themselves around her.
Because it certainly isn't me.
Which leaves me with only one option now...I need to avoid Leah like the plague.
It’s the only way to avoid getting hurt by her...again.
Chapter 48 (Leah)
Jacob has been actively avoiding me for three weeks straight now...and I have no idea why.
I mean, I was giving him exactly what he wanted...right? Or at least, I tried my best to.
Apparently not, though, seeing as now he’s only briefly checking on me to discuss business and he leaves as quickly as he enters.
He won’t even look at me. I wish he would just talk to me about everything he’s feeling.
That’s not his ‘thing’, though, all of his feelings and emotions will stay trapped inside him...forever.
Meanwhile, I can’t help but pour all of mine out for him.
I toss my magazine aside on the couch as the thought hits me. Maybe he’s seeing someone else?
That’s the only reason I can think of for a guy to just give up sex with no strings, cold turkey.
Not that we actually had sex...but close enough.
I sprint up from the couch. That has to be it, Jacob’s definitely seeing someone else.
Holy hell. My heart aches at the thought of that.
I make a mental note to find out from Lillian, I know she’ll tell me. In fact, she’ll probably be pissed at Jacob, I know she’s still rooting for us.
But then again, maybe I shouldn’t ask Lillian after all. Because if it turns out it’s true—that would be too much to deal with right now and I don’t need anything sending me into a tailspin right back to using heroin.
I guess there’s a reason they tell recovering addicts to avoid relationships for the first year.
Shit.
I close my eyes, unsure of how to process this.
I want Jacob, and I’ll do anything to mend our relationship. But, that's the one thing that will make me run away from him this time.
The thought that his heart and his body belong to another. Someone that’s not me.
Granted that's what I put him through. And technically it’s what probably what I deserve.
No. I really have to stop thinking like that. That kind of thinking doesn't do me any favors...Jacob was right.
I need to stop blaming myself for every little thing.
My thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the door.
I look up in shock when I see Danny standing outside my door. He must have just gotten home from school.
It appears as though he’s finally ready to talk to me—almost two whole months after I got out of rehab, almost three whole months since I’ve been clean. Damn.
I rush to the door and open it.
“Hey,” he greets me, looking down at the floor.
“Hey,” I reply nervously.
I never thought having a conversation with my own brother would feel so awkward.
He fidgets and turns his baseball cap around. “Can we talk?”
“Absolutely. Do you want to come inside?”
He shrugs and sticks his hands in his pockets. “I don't know...it's a nice day out.” He gestures to the door. “You wanna sit outside?”
I quickly follow him out the front door. I sit on the front steps and he stands in front of me, towering over me.
I still can’t get over how much he's grown up in the last year.
Nerves rack my entire body. Should I begin this conversation? Should I wait for him? I don’t want to pressure him, but I’m dying to talk to him.
Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Jacob enter the backyard then. He looks both surprised and nervous when he sees Danny and me, but he stays back...giving us both privacy.
I actually appreciate him hanging around right now...just in case Danny flips and needs him again.
Danny's eyes find mine. His expression isn’t angry, but hurt...really hurt. Even more so than the last time we talked...or rather he yelled and told me how he really felt about me.
I put my head in my hands and blink back tears. This conversation isn’t going to be easy by any means.
“Leah,” he starts. “I really don't want you to cry, but I need to know some things.”
I look up at him, my stomach in knots. “I know. I understand.”
He rubs his forehead. “First, I just need to know why. I need to know, why didn't you love me enough? Did I do something wrong? Just tell me if it was my fault somehow.”
My heart rips to shreds with his words. “God, Danny...No. I swear to you. It wasn't your fault. I love you, so much. You're my biggest reason for getting and staying clean—besides myself. You mean everything to me—since the day you were born.”
I rub my sweaty palms on my jeans. “I just had a lot of pain inside. Pain that I never dealt with because I pushed it all down.”
He lifts his chin and stares at me. “Pain that our parents caused, I fucking knew it.”
I open my mouth to answer but he cuts me off and his eyes become glassy. “I know what they did to you, Leah. I know how dad used to beat on you when he was drunk. The way mom used to look the other way every time it happened.”
He blows out a breath. “I know you used to take the punch for me anytime he would glance my way, and you never got mad at me for it. Mom told me herself during one of her drunk and high ramblings one night. She said you used to tuck me into bed every single night, lay next to me and tell me everything was going to b
e okay. That you would figure out a way for me to have a better life. You always protected me, Leah.” He swallows. “Shit, I used to be so scared that I was going to end up just like them, just like him. But I stopped being scared of that...because I had you. I think that’s why I’m so mad. I know I didn’t say it a lot, but I thought you knew how much I loved you, how important you are to me. But when you left me—”
He shifts his feet and looks down. “I thought it was because I failed you somehow. You see, Leah. I’m not just mad at you, I’m mad at myself.”
I choke back a sob and will myself to keep it together. The last thing I ever want is for Danny to feel the way that I do inside. I never want him to live with the amount of guilt that I do. That’s my burden, not his.
“Danny, no. You never failed me, ever. None of this is your fault. And I really need you to listen to me, right now,” I say. “You remember how I used to try and pretend that everything was perfect? Or rather, how I used to try and control everything?"
I see a ghost of a smile on his face. “Yeah. How could I forget that?”
“Yeah, well you know what I figured out? I'm not perfect, I never will be. I should have opened up and talked to someone. I should have expressed my real feelings. But more than that...I should have loved myself enough.”
I point my thumb at my chest. “I should have learned the proper way of dealing with it, instead of avoiding it. You know how they say that those who can’t do—teach?”
He nods and I continue, “Well, sometimes those who can’t deal with their mental problems become psychiatrists so they can focus on other people's issues to avoid facing theirs.”
He considers this for a moment before saying, “Is that why you became one?”
I pluck a blade of grass from the ground and lift a shoulder. “I don’t know. Maybe? I think I set out with the right intentions of just wanting to help people...especially after growing up with mom and dad.”
I draw in a breath. “I think I thought that if I could just fix people, fix everything, I could fix my past. I could fix what happened to Jamie, even. But that’s not the way the world works. I guess I never realized that I needed to fix myself or deal with my issues first.” I squeeze my eyes shut. “Or maybe I did realize it, but I just didn't think I was ever worth fixing until recently, I thought I was nothing more than damaged goods.”
He tilts his face to the side and looks at me. “So it wasn’t because I failed…and it wasn’t because you didn’t love me.”
I draw my knees up to my chest. “Never, Danny. I was the one that failed, I love you. And, I love Lillian and Jacob, too. I just didn't love myself back then. I didn't think I was worthy enough to be loved by anyone, either. It's still something I struggle with...every day. However, my love for you? That's not something that was ever a part of this. Please believe me. And, please believe me when I tell you how sorry I am. I will never leave you again. No matter how mad at me you get, I will always be in your life. I will always be there for you and I’ll never put you through that again.”
Tears clog my eyes. “I know it will take some time and I will have to prove it to you. However, I'm more than willing to do it. I will never hurt you like that again...I swear on my life.”
I choke back more tears, but it’s pointless I’m too far past that. “Please forgive me, Danny.“
He reaches for my hands and stands me up before he wraps his arms around me. “I'm sorry for all the stuff I said that day. I didn't mean it. I was just angry and upset. I didn't know how to deal with it either.”
He squeezes me tighter. “I love you sis...and I'm proud of you. You're not our mother. I know that now. Please stay strong—and please come to me whenever you need to talk. Please love me enough to do that. And I’ll love you enough to come to you whenever I need to talk about shit. We've been through hell and back together. I won't give up on you. I forgive you, Leah. I love you,” he says.
His tall lanky body dwarfs my frame as he holds me in his arms and I continue sobbing like a baby.
I finally have my brother back...and he’s forgiven me. “Thank you.”
He pulls away and smiles. “And just for the record, you'll always be a pain in my ass. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I never want you to stop being a pain in my ass.”
I smile and pull him into another hug. “Don't worry—I'll be a pain in your ass for the rest of my life.”
I look over at Jacob who’s still watching us and he smiles at me. A real, genuine smile.
I return his smile before he walks back into the house.
The only other thing I wish for, is that Jacob and I could talk to each other about everything we’re feeling.
Or rather, everything he’s feeling.
Either way, he has to be ready to do that first, and with the way things still are between us, I’m not sure he’ll ever be.
Chapter 49 (Jacob)
It was such a good feeling to witness Leah and Danny finally talk, I couldn’t help but smile.
I’ll also admit that I’m a little jealous of Danny.
I wish it was me, who Leah was promising to never hurt again.
I don’t know how to tell her that's what I really need from her. I don’t know how to tell her that I want her to need and love me more than drugs.
I don’t know how to tell her that I’m so scared she’s going to hurt me and leave me again...and I’m not sure I’ll make it through the pain in one piece if she does.
I don't know how to tell her about all of the pain I have inside.
I’ve never told anyone about any of it before. And if I told her? That would be showing her my weakness, leaving me vulnerable and open to get crushed again.
I just can't take that chance.
Even so...avoiding her hurts me even more...but it’s still better than the inevitable pain that will follow if she ever left me for drugs again.
Or ever left me again…period.
On the bright side—at least she’s not running away from me this time
Oddly enough? I’m the one running away from her.
The fucking irony.
I can’t even bring myself to eat dinner with everyone at the kitchen table anymore.
Ever since Danny and Leah made up a week ago, Lillian and Danny want her to have dinner with them, every single night.
And who the hell am I to disagree with that?
I don't want to take that away from her, I want her to be happy. She deserves to be happy.
I'm running out of excuses though, and Lillian’s beginning to call me on my bullshit.
Like right now, as she wags her finger in front of my face for the 10th time today. “Stop avoiding Leah. Just tell her how you’re feeling or you will lose her and it will be all your fault...this time.”
I know she’s right, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let her know that.
I focus my attention back on the two computer screens in front of me. “I don't know what you're talking about, Lillian. I have work to do.”
I’m doing what I always do. Burying myself in work...because I sure as fuck can't distract myself with sex like I used to.
Especially when the only person I actually want to have sex with is Leah. More than ever lately.
That’s how I expressed myself with her, it's the only way I know how to.
She jabs her finger at me again and tuts. “Jacob Sand. Do not do this, young man. Do not become him again. Not when you finally found the only other person besides your mother who’s able to make the real you shine through. Who you really are on the inside, the good man that you are. You know what I'm talking about."
As much as I care about Lillian, she’s pushing me too far right now. She’s also too damn perceptive.
“Lillian...stop!” I bark.
She makes a face before she huffs and walks away.
I rub my neck and stare at the line of coding on my computer screen.
Shit, as much as I hate to admit it, Lillian really is right. Maybe
it’s time to let Leah in again.
But I can’t make this decision right now. I still need more time.
Luckily, that’s something I have in abundance. It's not like Leah’s going anywhere...for once.
That's all I ever really wanted her to do was stay.
Stay...love me...and not hurt me.
Too bad she more than fucked the first and last one up.
Too bad punishing her—only seems to punish me.
Chapter 50 (Leah)
I received my 60-day chip at my meeting—even though technically it had been 90 days now.
I feel stronger than ever, things are good.
Well, with the exception of Jacob. Now, I just catch him staring at me briefly for periods of time.
He still never says a word to me, though.
I need him to be the one to talk to me. I know exactly where my feelings with him stand, and I will happily tell him those whenever he wants.
He needs to be the one to approach me about it, that’s something I know all too well. He has to be ready to open up.
He just doesn't seem to want anything to do with me lately. I can’t help but assume that he’s just over me and has moved on.
“Let's go out for ice cream to celebrate,” Lillian says after dinner,
Danny nods and smiles in agreement.
I can’t help but smile back, I love how supportive they’re being.
There’s only one person missing from making this a perfect night.
I get up from the table and head for the stairs. “I'm gonna ask if Jacob wants to come.”
I tentatively knock on the door to his office. I can immediately tell that he’s busy, it looks like he hasn't stopped working in days.
I clear my throat and he finally looks up from his computer. “Hey. Look, I know this is stupid...but do you want to go out for ice cream? I've been clean for like three months now and Lillian and Danny want to go out to celebrate. I would really like it if you'd come with us."
He focuses his attention back on his computer. “Sorry, I have a lot of work to do.”
I try not to let the disappointment on my face show. I turn around and mumble, “Right. I figured as much. If you need any help, let me know.”