Cityscape Affair Series: The Complete Box Set

by Hawkins, Jessica

  I gaped at him as something occurred to me. “But I didn’t meet Gina until years later.”

  “I wasn’t taking any chances. I had to be sure you were ready for a new person in your life. And I had to know I could bring her around my girl.”

  I searched his face. “You didn’t marry her until I left for college. She waited all that time for you?”

  “Yes.”

  “You kept a lot from me,” I stated, not exactly sure if I was angry or not.

  “It was to protect you.”

  I nodded as the information filtered in. It was clear by his tone that he believed he’d done the right thing, but he looked hurt. It struck me deep inside, cutting through everything I’d just heard. Nothing was worse than seeing my dad in pain . . . something, I was realizing, that was also true of David.

  “Your divorce from Gina must be finalized by now,” I said. “But you still love her, don’t you?”

  “Sure. And I miss her. But that’s not always enough. Gina was a lot to handle, too.” He blew out a sigh and looked into his whiskey. “I always seem to choose the most difficult women.”

  And I had been anything but difficult for Bill. Not up until now, when I’d chosen David over him. Was it a coincidence? Or had some part of me been actively trying not to complicate my parents’—or anyone’s—lives any further?

  “Do you regret it?” I rushed out.

  “Regret what?” he asked.

  “All of it. Any of it. Mom, me, Gina. If you knew back then that you’d be sitting here now in this moment, would you do it again?”

  “What the hell kind of question is that?”

  I blanched. It seemed like a perfectly valid question. Why would anyone look back over two painful loves, tumultuous marriages and subsequent divorces—and want to do it all over again?

  “Why would I regret my life?” he asked. “What’s going on with you?”

  “I just . . .” I paused, glancing up at the ceiling to blink back tears. “I’m afraid of getting hurt. I’ve never felt anything like this before. What if one day David realizes I’m not enough—or that I can’t give him what he needs—and he has no choice but to leave, even if he loves me? Like you still love Gina?”

  My father slid his chair over to mine and put his arm around me. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, huh? I don’t regret a goddamn single thing. I would love and lose Gina again in a heartbeat, because we’re both better people for it. She gave me something so beautiful, I could never regret it.” He hugged me to his side. “And your mother gave me you, among many other things. Every decision I made was right at the time, and I can’t say that any of them turned out badly.”

  I looked up at him through tear-blurry eyes and let him hold me. I’d made many regretful decisions, but they’d led me to David. So would I change any of them? And if David and I didn’t make it, but we’d still spent this time loving each other . . . how could that be bad? Wasn’t it better than never experiencing the bliss of loving him at all?

  When we got to the house, I went directly upstairs to my childhood bedroom. The early flight plus the news of my dad’s affair had me wrecked, so I lay down and tried to wrap my head around everything I’d just learned as shock still reverberated in me. He’d survived what I was going through. And he’d do it all again.

  I’d always thought that keeping others out was the same thing as strength. It made me pragmatic, unemotional. But I was quickly learning that it meant the opposite—strength meant opening myself to another person without a guaranteed outcome.

  Later, I woke groggily from a deep nap. As I headed downstairs to find my dad, I took my phone off silent to find two voicemails from David, one from Gretchen, and a missed text from her asking why I wasn’t picking up her calls.

  I yawned and fell into a kitchen chair to listen to David’s messages. My heart skipped knowing that I would get to hear his voice, but before I could, a knock came on the front door.

  “Dad,” I called to no response. I groaned and padded to the door. When I pulled it open, my heart went from a skip to a leap.

  17

  At the comforting sight of David on my dad’s doorstep, relief, love, and happiness flooded through me. I almost didn’t recognize the high pitch of my voice as I said his name. “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  David nodded at my phone clutched in my hand. “I’m beginning to wonder why I even got you that thing.”

  I released an awed laugh. “I’m sorry. I was taking a nap. I can’t believe you came. I thought . . .”

  “What, that I could wait to finish our conversation until you got back?” he asked.

  “You’re kind of persistent, aren’t you?” I teased.

  His eyebrows lowered. “When you didn’t pick up your phone, I called Gretchen. If not for her, I’d be wandering around the streets of Dallas by myself.”

  I gaped at him a moment before giving in to a big smile and moving aside. “Come in.”

  He took a tentative step through the door. “Where’s your dad?”

  “He’s here. Where’s your stuff?”

  “A hotel.”

  “Oh.” I clutched my heart, hating the thought that David might not think he was welcome. “You shouldn’t have done that. You can stay here.”

  “I don’t want to impose.”

  “You won’t.” I closed the door and leaned my back against it. “How’s Alex?”

  David’s face lit up in a way that tugged at my heart, and he finally smiled. “He’s a trouper. In recovery and doing great.”

  “Good. I was worried. I should probably be asking how Jessa is.”

  “Stressed,” he said, sighing. “But relieved that the surgery went well. We all are.”

  I wanted to reach for him, to seek comfort in his arms, but after our last tense conversation, I wasn’t sure that he’d be open to that. “Can I, um, get you anything?” I asked.

  He crossed his arms, and his smile faded. “Talk first, okay? I hate how we left things.”

  “Me, too,” I said just as I heard footsteps on the floor above us.

  My dad started down the stairs. “Who’s at the door?” he asked.

  Before I could answer, David walked to the bottom of the staircase with his hand extended. “David Dylan. Olivia’s, er, boyfriend.”

  “I see.” They exchanged a firm handshake. “Nice to meet you, David.”

  “You, too, sir.”

  My father glanced at me and back to David. “I understood you weren’t going to make it this time around.”

  “Fortunately, my family emergency got sorted out.” David reached back to take my hand, and I stepped up beside him. Looking down at me, he added, “And I have some unfinished business with this one that couldn’t wait.”

  “I think you might be right about that,” Dad said, turning for the kitchen. “Come on in, David.”

  I looked down at the pink-and-white plaid pajamas I’d worn in high school and had found in a drawer. “I should change,” I whispered as my dad left the room.

  David arched an eyebrow. “I think you look cute.”

  I blushed a little. “Will you be all right alone with him while I run upstairs?”

  “Of course. I’m very popular with parents,” he said with a smirk. “Go on.”

  I bolted up the steps and changed into a t-shirt and jeans, a small but necessary step up from my embarrassing outfit. When I came downstairs again, I was surprised to hear the bellow of two deep laughs emanating from the patio.

  My dad was a tough nut to crack, and David had already done it? He wasn’t kidding about being popular.

  That, or it was thanks to the whiskey bottle on the table and the tumblers in their hands. “I see you two found common ground,” I noted, stepping outside.

  “I like him already,” my dad said, raising his glass to David. “Never understood a man who doesn’t appreciate a good whiskey.” They clinked glasses of amber liquid and each took a sip. “So, Olivia tells me you’re an architect.”
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  “Yes, Mr. Germaine.” David smoothed his hand over his hair. “I’m partner at a firm in Chicago, but I’ve done work all over the country.”

  I paused and looked at him. “Wait. You’re a partner at Pierson/Greer? Why isn’t your name on the building?”

  “I wanted to remain a silent,” David explained. “I love what I do for a living, but I hate the bullshit politics of it. I focus on planning and design.” He smiled. “And give input when necessary to make sure they don’t drive the business into the ground.”

  “I hear you,” my dad said. “That’s why I went into consulting. I make my own hours, set my own fee. I love business but not bullshit.” He nodded slowly, impressed. “Partner for a top firm, though—that’s very good.”

  “He’s one of Chicago’s most in-demand architects,” I bragged.

  “So you’ve already mentioned,” my dad reminded me as David eyed me playfully.

  “And he has a Porsche,” I added to seal the deal. The fastest way to my dad’s heart was in a sports car.

  My dad’s posture straightened. “That so? What kind?”

  “911 Classic,” David said, nodding toward the garage. “Was that your C7 in the driveway?”

  He nodded once. “And a ’68 Shelby in the garage.”

  “You have other cars, too, right?” I asked David.

  “The Mercedes is an SL 65 AMG. Black Series.” David’s eyes turned wistful as he raised his drink toward the sky. “And in New York, I’ve got a beautiful, copper Aston Martin Vantage.”

  “Engine?” Dad asked.

  “V12.”

  My dad let out a low whistle. “Shame to keep a car like that pent up in the city.”

  “Tell me about it.” David sipped his drink. “Barely get to take her above eighty, but that baby can fly.”

  I watched David as he spoke, picturing how he’d handle a fast car on the open road. If it were anything like the way he handled everything else, it would be casually but in complete control.

  When I realized the conversation had stopped, I looked from David to my dad, who was staring at me. He chuckled. “Why don’t I give you two a chance to catch up?” He headed for the slider. “I’m going to run to the market. Will you be staying for dinner, David?”

  “Yes,” I answered for him.

  Once my dad had disappeared into the house, I sat on the cushion of the nearest chaise lounge. I looked at the seat and then up at David. He swirled his drink thoughtfully, took my cue, and sat beside me.

  “I can’t believe you’re here,” I said quietly, placing my hand on his thigh.

  “It drives me insane when I don’t know what you’re thinking,” he said right away and picked up where we’d left off. “You tell me you’re still empty inside after our weekend? Do you know how it tears me apart to hear that?”

  I swallowed. “I didn’t mean it that way,” I whispered.

  “Well, how am I supposed to take it?” he asked. “It’s my job to fill you with love and hope and joy. Now, you tell me I’ve failed.”

  “No. God, no.” I grasped his hand. “I was scared. In that moment, I felt . . . I don’t know. Inadequate. Cornered.”

  “Why?” he demanded. “What reason have I ever given you to feel afraid or inadequate?”

  “You asked for everything, and that’s what you deserve,” I said to him and took a breath. “But I’m scared I can’t give you that. Or that my everything won’t be enough.”

  He leaned his elbows on his knees and kept his eyes forward. “I’m worried that you’re thinking about going back to Bill, and nothing would be worse than that. If you don’t want to be with me,” he paused, swallowed, and shook his head, “if it meant you were truly happy, I would respect it. But talk about being worthy . . .” David turned his head and finally looked at me from under heavy eyebrows. “He isn’t. I couldn’t live with knowing I’d had you—and in the end, you still chose him. I couldn’t, Olivia.”

  “It’s over with Bill.” I bit my lip. “I went to see him last night, and it’s so done.”

  His muscles tightened along with his jaw. “You went alone?”

  I placed my hand on his arm and squeezed. “It’s over. Completely. I promise you.”

  He exhaled but kept his eyes on me. “And us?”

  I searched his face. In his eyes I saw everything I wanted. His love. Why couldn’t I accept it? What kind of walls had I built around my heart that he couldn’t break through? I imagined, all those years ago, it had calcified into something inhuman, something hard because I’d buried it, ignored it, starved it. Davena had warned me my neglected wants and needs could rot my insides, but maybe she’d been too late. And for the first time, I wanted to let someone in. But was there any chance of penetrating my heart’s hardened exterior?

  David’s eyes flashed as I sat looking at him. “Baby,” he whispered, his voice turning grave. “Let go, please. I’m here, begging you to let me in. Let me love you the way you deserve. I know you’re afraid, but I’m not going anywhere. Ever.”

  “How do you know?” The happiness I’d felt just from seeing him and the fear his words inspired found their way up my chest. “How do I know you won’t grow tired of me like you did the others?”

  “Others?” he asked. “Olivia, there are no others. There only is, and only ever has been, you. Finding you finally . . . I’ve been looking for you for so fucking long. Let me in so I can take care of you in all the ways you’ve been neglected.”

  I shook my head as my chin wobbled. “I want that, too. I’m here telling you I want this. I’m ready. I’ll do whatever it takes so I don’t lose you.” My throat thickened with the tears I fought back. “But I don’t know how to do this without trying to protect a small part of myself.”

  “When you protect that part, I can’t get to it. And that scares me. You get to have some kind of back-up plan if you have to cut and run, while I have nothing but my faith in us?” He dropped his head in his palms and ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how else to get you to see.” He swung his head in my direction. “Is it a ring you need?”

  “What?” I gasped, shaking my head. “No. I mean, not that I don’t want—but I . . . I don’t need anything more from you. You’ve given me so much.”

  “What then? Tell me. I can’t . . .” He put his head back in his hands. Pain radiated from him, and it cut me deeply. I wanted to take it away however I could, no matter what it took.

  I dropped onto the concrete and sat back on my calves between his legs. With a hand on each of his knees, I looked up at him through tear-blurry eyes and took a deep breath. “You’re right that I’ve never felt like this about anyone,” I said. “Not even Bill, and not even close. You’re also right that I’m afraid. I’m scared to death that one day you’ll realize you were wrong about me. I’ll relinquish control, let you in, and I won’t be everything you thought I was.”

  “You already are everything I—”

  “Let me finish,” I said. “I know you love me. I see it in the way you look at me. I feel it when you make love to me. You can tell me it a million times, but it won’t change the fact that after only a few days with you, I’m on the verge of a breakdown just thinking about a life without you.” Insanity from love—it ran in my family. It wasn’t so far-fetched that it couldn’t happen to me. “If you ever left me, I’d fall, David. And I’d never get back up.”

  His beautiful brown eyes darted between mine. I wanted to drown in them. I could drown in them, let them swallow me without a fight. That was what scared me most of all.

  “You’re so afraid,” he whispered finally. “I can see it in your eyes.”

  “I’d lose myself. That madness runs in my blood. If true love doesn’t send me there, jealousy could.”

  “Olivia, that’s completely within our control. It’s not in your blood. We’ll fight with each other. We’ll struggle.” Lines formed between his eyebrows as he frowned. “But we’ll also fight for each other. This
is still new. In time, we’ll become so secure in our love, jealousy will be a distant memory. We have a love others can only dream of at our fingertips—but you have got to let go. You’re killing something beautiful here.” I inhaled sharply and tried to look away, but he caught my chin. “Trust me like I trust you. If you leave me now, I’m the one who’ll break. Is that what you want? You’re it for me. It’s you. I love you, and no matter how much shit you put me through, nothing will change that.”

  My chest stuttered with short breaths as he tore away at my exterior, forcing me to confront my fears or lose him.

  “I won’t let anything hurt you, my love,” he said. “And if it does, you’re strong enough to handle it. You’ve been so strong for seventeen years.”

  My eyes widened with the unexpected way he cut right to my core. I’d promised that young girl I’d never let her get hurt that deeply again, but in doing so, I’d also taken some of life’s most beautiful things away from her. Unconditional love, trust, joy. I burst into tears and tried to look away, but his hand held my chin firmly. “I’m not strong, David. That’s why I can’t handle a love like yours.”

  “Are you kidding me?” he asked. “You’re a fucking warrior. Since the divorce, you’ve carried this fear with you. You’ve grown and adapted and taken care of others. You’re strong. You’ve proved that. Now, let me take over. Give it all to me, and let me be strong for you. Please, let go so I can take care of you.”

  I pulled away finally and bawled into my hands. After a few moments, he tugged on my wrists. “Don’t hide from me.”

  “David,” I said through uncontrollable sobs. “When my parents divorced, I realized that there was no such thing as forever. That things could be taken away in an instant. And it scares me to death how strong our connection is because,” I paused, whimpering, “because the thought of you taking it away is too much to bear.”

  He set my hands back on his knees and tucked my hair behind my ear before cupping my face. “You’re there, Olivia,” he said, his eyes boring into mine. “Keep going.”