“And he’s not even taking accountability for himself,” I said. “I think he’s stuck at the age he was when we last knew him.”
“Totally. On some level I’ll always love him, but this was definitely a wake-up call.” She blew out a sigh. “He’s obviously got commitment issues on top of all that, but I don’t think I even care anymore. Whatever we had is gone.”
I cleared my throat and picked at something on the comforter. “Could, um, Brian also have a little bit to do with your change of heart?”
She laughed. “No . . . I don’t know.”
“You two were still talking when we went to bed.” I poked her arm. “Did you guys . . .?”
“No, of course not,” she cried, her eyes huge. “For one, gross. And for two, his girlfriend is here, remember?”
“Oh my God. I’m awful,” I said, covering my eyes. “I keep forgetting about Kat.”
“I think he does, too,” Gretchen said. “Brian and I were up late last night, and we just . . . talked. A lot. Like, until dawn.”
“Really?” I asked, beaming. “And you still think he’s gross?”
She hesitated. “I mean, I guess he’s not gross. There was this brief moment where I thought he might kiss me, but he didn’t. And I was kind of disappointed.”
“Wow. Strange how one weekend can change everything,” I muttered.
“Yup.” She sighed. “I’m hoping this rain burns off so we can hit the beach before we leave.”
“David and I are thinking of staying another night,” I said. “Actually, I came to ask if I can borrow some sneakers. I’m going for a walk.”
“Like a stroll?”
“No,” I said. “Like a walk. Maybe even a run.”
She raised her eyebrows at me. “You don’t run. Unless something’s really bothering you. I remember from living with you.”
“Yeah.” I scratched the tip of my nose. “It helps me sort through everything. And before you asked, I don’t really want to talk about it.”
She got up from the bed and went to the closet. “Is it about David?” she asked.
“Yes.”
She held out a pair of sneakers. “Is it bad?”
I accepted them with a sigh. “Yes.”
“How bad?”
I shook my head, rolling my lips together. “I don’t know yet.”
“Look, if there’s one thing Greg’s idiocy has taught me, it’s that communication is key.” She opened her suitcase and pushed some things around. “Just talk to David. He loves you so much.”
“I don’t know if that’s enough this time,” I said, picking at the bedspread. “This might be the one thing David can’t fix.”
“Ah.” Absentmindedly, she picked out a pair of athletic socks, then glanced over at me. “Is this about what he said on the beach yesterday? About wanting to teach his kid to surf?”
It wasn’t hard to put two and two together. Gretchen knew about my struggles with getting Bill to see I wasn’t ready and may never be. “Yeah,” I said. “David wants it all. He’s ready to start on the house. He’s already said he wants to marry me. But we haven’t talked about what comes after that.”
“For once, I don’t really know what to tell you. Just that you need to talk to him. He can’t help if he doesn’t know what you want.”
“I don’t know what I want, Gretchen.” Except, that wasn’t entirely true. Maybe I already knew the answer, but I was too scared to admit it to myself.
She handed me the socks. “This is going to be one hell of a run.”
I headed out into the humidity, tightened my ponytail, and looked up at the gray sky, requesting that it wait until I’d finished to open up again.
My mind instantly replayed the morning.
Quit my job. Travel the world. Marriage. Children.
It was more than a girl could ask for. Was I a fool to question everything David offered me?
I wondered if he’d meant to propose. It’d happened so suddenly. Despite knowing he’d want that one day, it hadn’t occurred to me that he was already there. Then again, maybe he hadn’t known he was, either. He’d said it had just come out.
Surely, he’d thought about having a family. Had I given him the impression that I wanted children? Was it on me to admit that outright, from the start—when we hadn’t even had a start? Or was he to blame if he’d just assumed I’d want kids?
Did David know that Bill and I had argued about that over and over? How could he know that? Had I never told him?
I picked up my pace as my thoughts came faster and heavier. All my arguments with Bill washed over me. I couldn’t ensure the shame again—of not wanting what I was supposed to. Of doubting myself and my role as a woman. Of disappointing a man I’d promised to make a life with.
Could I do it? Could I make the decision to keep my doubts to myself and have a baby if the alternative was losing David?
My heart nearly broke at the thought. Was that any way to bring a child into the world?
I pictured David as a father, teaching his kid to surf or snowboard. I thought of the way he handled the things he loved and how his face somehow conveyed gravity, focus, and happiness when he played with Alex.
Fuck. I couldn’t take fatherhood away from him.
And I couldn’t picture myself as a mother.
I’d never felt particularly warm toward children, but everyone said I’d feel differently about my own. That was a huge and irreversible chance to take when my heart told me otherwise. Not that I wouldn’t love and care for my own, but that ultimately, my life wasn’t meant to include them.
I jogged by a stroller-pushing woman in athletic wear who’d stopped mid-run to comfort her crying baby. A pit formed in my stomach. She wasn’t me. I wasn’t her. Maybe I’d change my mind one day, but I hadn’t with Bill, and the thought of entering a relationship with that kind of pressure again . . . I wouldn’t do it.
Being a mom wasn’t in the cards for me.
But David—I’d never find a love like his again. And I never wanted to.
So the question was, could I do it for David? Was there anything I wouldn’t do, wouldn’t give up for him?
David texted me that Brian would let us stay another night, and I agreed. He was still gone when I returned from my workout, so I treated myself to a long shower. As I washed my sweat away, I let myself think momentarily of traveling the world on his arm. Writing, eating, fucking, sleeping . . . no rude boss to answer to, no judgmental friends or family, no children stealing our attention from each other. Just the two of us living the dream . . .
But is that all it is? A dream?
David had given me so many invaluable things, including his trust. I not only owed him my honesty—I wanted to give it to him. My instinct was still to run, hide, and retreat—that wouldn’t change overnight. But I had deeper, stronger reasons to share with him. Once I found the courage to do it.
I changed into a striped sundress and went downstairs to find that the sun had come out and chased the clouds away. Gretchen and I walked into town and had lunch until it was time for her to catch her flight. I called her a taxi, and just as she was loading her luggage, David and Brian jogged up with their surfboards.
“See you guys back in Chi-town,” she called, laughing as she waved.
“Gretchen—” Brian started, but paused when Kat appeared on the porch. “Uh. Just have a nice flight.”
“Thanks,” she said with a large smile. Even with her hair tossed in a ponytail and in less makeup than I’d ever seen, she looked stunning. Brian watched until her taxi turned a corner and disappeared.
David put his hands on my shoulders. “You’re a beautiful thing to come back to,” he said, and I turned my head for a kiss before he added, “I like this dress.”
“Indeed, Liv,” Brian said. “It’s quite fetching.”
David shot him a glare, and I grinned. “Did you guys have a nice surf?”
“Excellent,” David said. “Waves were much better this after
noon. Did you eat?”
I nodded. “Gretch and I went to lunch.”
“Good. I’m going to rinse off and drive these two to the airport.”
As he did that, and Brian and Kat packed, I sat on the porch with a book. After a while, Brian came out, freshly showered and dressed in a t-shirt and shorts. He sat down in the rocking chair next to mine, glanced over his shoulder quickly, and then back at me. “I had a great time this weekend.”
“Me, too.”
“No. I had a great time, Liv. Call me crazy, but . . .” He scrubbed a hand through his damp blond hair. “I think I’m going to take my chances and ask Gretchen on another date.”
I closed the book and looked him over and tried to look surprised. “Really? What changed?”
“She puts up this shield, right?” he said, growing animated. “But when it comes down, she’s lovely. Kind, smart, and a little bit goofy, too. I never dreamed she was so goofy.”
I laughed. “Greg’s the reason for the shield. When they met, she changed for him—started wearing her hair differently, tried different diets, dressed up all the time. But when he left? That’s when something inside her changed. I’m afraid that after this time, she’ll have trouble trusting again.”
“Then I have my work cut out for me,” he said. “But I have a feeling she’ll be worth it. I want to see more of the girl in the glasses.”
I smiled, but it quickly turned to a frown. “I think you’d better take care of the situation here first,” I said, jerking my thumb toward the house.
“I already did,” he said. “I ended things with Kat this morning, and she took it well. At least, I think so—she reacted about the same way she does to everything.” He shrugged. “But in any case, it’s over.”
“Then you have my blessing,” I said.
“Do you think Gretchen’ll agree to a date with me?” he asked. “I would’ve tested the waters before she left, but I didn’t want to be disrespectful to Kat.”
I bit the inside corner of my cheek, trying to decide whether to give Gretchen up. Remembering how she’d gone to David when I’d needed him most, I nodded. “I’m pretty confident she’ll say yes. But you should know—Greg called her this morning trying to feed her some bullshit.”
“Understood. I’ll reach out to her tonight.” He kissed me on the cheek and then wiped it with his thumb. “Oops. Don’t tell your boyfriend. I hear he has a temper.”
I smiled. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”
When Kat opened the screen door, Brian popped up to help her with her bag. David breezed out next, dropped a kiss on my lips, and ushered them into Brian’s parents’ car.
Unable to concentrate on my book, I walked to the grocery store to purchase some things for dinner. I got the idea that we could picnic on the beach as the sun went down, so I picked up an assortment of snacks and a bottle of red.
This is how life could be. Just us, no bullshit, watching the sunset and drinking wine.
At the house, I prepared the food and found a basket and large blanket in a hallway closet. I left David a note and walked down to the beach where I unfurled the blanket and watched the water while I waited.
When, eventually, I had the distinct feeling that he was behind me, it was because he was. He sat behind me, his front against my back, his long legs bent on each side of me. “This is nice,” he said, putting his cheek to mine.
“Finally alone,” I responded. I leaned forward and excavated plastic cups from my bag to pour us each some wine.
I passed him a cup just as he rubbed his eyes with tense fingers.
“Tired?” I asked.
“Stressed.”
“How come?” I asked.
He took the wine and opened his arms, so I settled back against him, comforted by the rumble of his chest as he spoke. “I have the New York project falling behind, and I also need to figure out this potential lawsuit with Arnaud and Clare.”
Before I could ask him to elaborate, he added, “And then there’s you.”
I glanced up. “Me?”
“I want to start moving on our house soon. But after everything we talked about this morning . . .” He looked down to meet my eyes. “I’m afraid I pushed you too hard and fucked up somewhere.”
“David. Honey.” I put down my wine. “You didn’t fuck up. Everything you’re offering me—it’s more than a girl could ask for.”
“And you want . . . what?” he asked. “Less?”
My heart thudded once. I was running out of time—to tell him the truth, to sit here with him, to enjoy us finally as a carefree couple. Was I running out of time with him, too?
I heaved a sigh and looked out at the water. “Let’s just enjoy the sunset for now.”
I gave him my weight and ran my hands over his shins. “That feels nice,” he murmured. “I’m sore from surfing.”
“I could give you a massage later,” I offered.
“I’d be forever in your debt.”
I smiled and continued rubbing his legs as we looked out at the water.
“How’s my Mercedes, by the way?” he asked. “I tried to get Alex to scope things out when you were there for Thanksgiving, but he’s a lousy spy.”
“Hmm. There was a pretty significant dent in the hood before you left, right?” I teased.
He groaned. “Don’t fuck with me.”
“The car’s fine,” I said. “Thanks for letting me take it. It was nice spending time with Jessa.”
“I warned her if she told any embarrassing stories about me, she’d be out a babysitter for life.”
I squeezed his knee. “Somehow I doubt you’ve ever done a single embarrassing thing.”
“Of course I have,” he stated. “I proposed to my girlfriend, and she said no.”
My cheeks warmed. “Did you mean it? Or was it an in-the-moment thing?”
“I meant it,” he said. “I’m sorry it wasn’t more romantic.”
“It was perfect,” I said, because it was. I couldn’t think of anything more romantic than blurting it out because he couldn’t keep it inside another second. “Everything you do for me, you do with love. I know that.”
We sat in silence until the sun dropped behind the horizon.
“Canyon passed away this morning,” he said.
I gasped. “Your family’s dog?”
“My mom called. They had to put him down.”
I turned between his legs and sat back on my calves. “Honey. I’m so sorry.”
“He was sick, as you knew. It was his time, but I thought we had a little longer.” He avoided my eyes, so I waited until they drifted back to mine. I couldn’t help tearing up at his crestfallen expression.
He touched the corner of my eye with his thumb. “It’s okay,” he said, but I could see that he was hurting.
I nodded and leaned in to comfort him with a kiss. His hand moved to my hair to hold me there as he kissed me back, slowly at first, then deepening it. As dusk settled around us, I unfolded my legs and wrapped them around him so we were as close as we could get.
“Good thing I’m wearing a dress,” I said.
He laughed softly. “I thought you hated beach sex.”
“Apparently, I was doing it wrong.”
His voice lowered. “I’m not going to have you here in front of everyone.”
“It’s almost dark,” I replied. “The beach is empty.”
“Still.”
I could feel his heartbeat, strong and solid against my breasts. I hugged him closer and whispered, “I’m sorry about Canyon.”
“I know.”
I didn’t want David to hurt, but there was no way my confession wouldn’t cut him deeply. Either he’d lose me or he’d lose a future he’d envisioned for himself. For us. From the start, he’d known I was the one.
“David?” I asked.
“Hmm?” he answered, brushing his lips over mine.
“Do you believe in soulmates?” I asked, even though I knew what he’d say.
But
he paused, and to my surprise, responded with the opposite answer. “No.”
I drew back. “Why not?”
“I don’t need it. I believe in you. I believe in us.”
I swallowed through the lump in my throat his sweet words inspired. “I believe in us, too.”
He looked me fully in the face, ran his big hands over my hairline, and held them there. Even in the semi-dark, I could see his eyes burning. “My turn,” he said. “Are you still empty inside?”
My words from his mouth were sharp and painful. I inhaled back tears. “No.” I wasn’t. He’d filled me with goodness and killed any poison in me.
“Good.” His hand moved to my jaw, and he pecked me. “Ready to go up?”
I shook my head no, so he stayed and kissed me a little longer until it was completely dark. Eventually, we gathered up the blanket and walked back to the house holding hands.
I unpacked the picnic we hadn’t touched and the wine we’d barely drunk, and we ate to the soundtrack of waves crashing against the shore.
After we’d cleaned up, I asked, “How about that massage, surfer boy?”
He scooped me up in one swift movement and carried me up the stairs. “I love having you all to myself,” he said and set me down in the bedroom.
“Strip to your underwear,” I instructed as I went into the bathroom. I swapped my sundress for the silky white robe I’d brought from home, then grabbed some body oil from under the sink.
When I came out of the bathroom, the look on his face stopped my trek to the bed. “You brought your robe,” he said and bit his bottom lip. “I love that fucking thing.”
“I know you do. Now, get on your stomach, facedown. And no screwing around,” I said, mimicking his surf lesson on land, “or you might get hurt.”
He chuckled as he shook his head and got into position. He waited with his arms tucked under his head. I went to turn out the lights but decided against it. I didn’t want to miss anything.
I climbed over him, parted my robe to straddle his firm ass, and squirted oil onto his back. I dove my hands into it, spreading it from his broad shoulders down to his narrow hips. I rubbed and kneaded, savoring every inch of him and working myself into a decent state of arousal. I loved the way his skin felt under my fingertips and how his muscles relaxed at my probing touch.
Cityscape Affair Series: The Complete Box Set Page 89