The Memory Jar

by Tricia Goyer

“Yer unlike any other Amish man, and I like that. I enjoy yer ease in the kitchen, and I have a feeling you enjoy being here too.” She ignored the red rising up his neck and continued, “I don’t want you to feel as if you have to hide from me — hide the real you. To repeat the words of a very wise person, ‘if anything, it makes me appreciate you even more.’ That’s why I enjoy being with you, Jathan. Yer not like other men.”

  He nodded. He was listening, but did he truly hear her?

  Who hurt yer heart, Jathan? she wanted to ask. Who made you feel unworthy? They were questions she wanted answered, but not now. They had plenty of days ahead for that. For now, she just wanted to give him something to think about. She wanted for him to know she saw a glimpse of the real him.

  He turned to the window and stood quietly. She could see the battle that raged within. Things like this took time. They had with her. And for some broken pieces of her heart, more time was required still.

  The jingle of the front door caught her attention. The day had begun, and she had a lot yet to prepare. Many words were yet unspoken, she knew, but Sarah was thankful they’d started this journey.

  CHAPTER

  15

  Even though Jathan couldn’t spend every day of the next two weeks in the kitchen with Sarah, he often visited with her early in the morning before he headed over to his construction job. Only today, he was headed there after work too. The evening breeze stirred the scent of pine as Jathan returned to the West Kootenai Kraft and Grocery. He’d talked to Annie a few times in the past, but today an urgency pressed, and he wondered if she’d be willing to talk to him — really talk to him — about what it was like to run a business.

  He entered the front door, and the small bell jingled, announcing his presence. He noticed right away that Edgar, the front store clerk, had already gone home. The store was in the lull that occurred before the dinner rush. Annie sat behind the front counter at a small desk. She was writing something down in a ledger. She looked up as he entered.

  “Jathan, hello!” She smiled. “I appreciated you helping Sarah this morning, but I’m surprised to see you back. Would have thought you’d have had enough of this place.”

  Annie rose, and her long, blonde ponytail swished back and forth as she stood. She wore a red plaid shirt and jeans and looked as if she were more prepared to work at the Log Works next door.

  “I’ve actually come to talk to you about running a business. I’ve been thinking about the future and … well … trying to start some plans that would allow me to care fer a family someday. Care for them in a way that will benefit my parents — and my brieder — and be a gut start fer my own dreams too.”

  Annie nodded. “Yes, I’m listening.”

  “My Mem has a bakery back in Ohio, and Dat makes furniture that we ship all over the county, and I just want your advice.”

  Annie motioned to a stool next to her. Jathan walked around the counter and sat.

  “I’d love to help,” she said. “What do you need to know?”

  “Well, mostly if my idea makes good business sense. I’d like to spruce up my Mem’s bakery. She has mostly Amish clients, but millions of Englisch tourists come through Berlin every year, and I know we can draw their business. If we expand, we could include some of Dat’s furniture. He sells it wholesale now, but we could make much more selling retail.” Jathan reached into his pocket and pulled out two pieces of paper. “I’ve estimated the costs of change, including some remodeling work and hiring another baker. It will take some investment, but considering where we live and the high-peak tourist season, I think we could grow our revenue in jest a year’s time.”

  He continued on, telling Annie his ideas for advertising and display. He asked questions, too, about ordering, invoices, and customer loyalty. Annie seemed supportive of his ideas and answered all his questions with enthusiasm.

  As they talked, the scents of the roast beef and fried chicken being prepared by the cooks in the kitchen caused Jathan’s stomach to rumble, and he realized he only had a few minutes before the dinner rush would be upon them.

  “I have one last thought,” he said. “I’d like to offer custom cupcakes. It’s different from what Amish bakeries typically offer, but I believe it would delight regular customers who could continually return to discover new flavors.”

  Annie nodded and her eyes sparkled. “Your idea doesn’t involve my baker does it? Sarah’s cupcakes are the best.”

  Jathan squirmed in his seat. “Actually, uh …” He let his words trail off.

  Annie reached over and patted his hand. “I sure hope so. Because from what I can see, Sarah thinks you’re pretty special.”

  A smile spread over Jathan’s face and he stood.

  “There’s one more thing.” Annie stood, too, and crossed her arms over her chest. “I don’t think you came to me for help, young man.” She wagged her finger at him.

  He scratched his forehead. “I didn’t?”

  “No.” She softened her gaze. “You already know all you need, son. You’ve done your homework.” She placed a soft hand on his arm. “What you really came to me for was permission. And I want to give you that. You’ll make a fine businessman. You should follow your dream. It’s one that will not only benefit you, but your future wife too.”

  Warmth filled Jathan’s chest, and his shoulders rose slightly.

  “And Jathan, remember this —” Annie’s tone was urgent —“God created you with special talents for a purpose, and sometimes those we love most don’t understand that. Don’t let the doubts of others ring louder than God’s whispers to your spirit. Sometimes God’s whispers are harder to hear, but they’re to be trusted the most. Understand?”

  Jathan nodded and then stepped back. “Ja, I do, and knowing that, I wonder if it would be too much to drop in on Sarah’s family? That day on the mountain, her Dat told me I could stop by anytime.”

  “Go for it. Especially if you show up with this.” She walked to the bakery rack and pulled out a cherry pie.

  “Ja. I would say so.” He reached for money in his pocket, but Annie waved it away.

  “After all your help lately, consider this your payment. Just enjoy tonight. And have fun getting to know Sarah’s family. There’s a reason she’s so special — she has wonderful parents.”

  Jathan nodded and offered a wave as he left. He had no doubt about Sarah’s parents. But he also knew there was someone else who’d helped Sarah grow into the wonderful woman she was. He just felt bad that he didn’t have a way to thank Patty — to honor her — for that.

  It was something he’d have to think about, but for now his eager steps took him toward the place he wanted to be most — right by Sarah’s side.

  Sarah held her memory jar on her lap and pushed her good foot against the porch floor ever so gently, causing the porch swing to rock. Her body ached from working, even though Annie had sent her home early. Her ankle throbbed, and she had it propped up on the swing. A handkerchief of ice rested on it.

  Yet even with the aches and pains, her heart felt lighter than it had in a long time. She picked a small thimble out of the memory jar and turned it over in her hands. She’d used it the first time she’d gone to a sewing circle. Patty hadn’t been there, and at first Sarah had felt out of place. Yet the more she sat and chatted with the other ladies, the more she realized she enjoyed their company too. The sewing hadn’t been her favorite part; it was the interaction with other women she’d enjoyed. She’d forgotten that memory until now.

  Sarah put the thimble back into the jar. She pulled out a purple plastic toy ring she’d gotten during a shopping trip to Kalispell. She’d watched a boy put fifty cents into a machine and his smile had turned into a frown when he realized he’d gotten a ring. The boy had turned and handed it to Sarah. Knowing Amish people didn’t wear jewelry, Sarah had worn it, but only to bed, each night for a week until she finally tucked it away in the jar. More memories. More smiles. As she looked at the items, it was as if she was allowing her
heart to wake up and celebrate what she’d experienced, not only what she’d lost.

  She held up two other objects. The first was the piece of quartz rock that Jathan had given to her on the mountain. And the second was the metal nut cracker Jathan had used in the kitchen. She’d already bought another nut cracker from Annie’s store shelf to replace the one she took. And as she replaced both items in the jar, she hoped these would be just the first of many with Jathan’s name attached to them.

  It had been good to spend time with him over the past two weeks — almost as if it were the most natural thing in the world. And that made sense. Despite her mother’s insistence that love was more about function than fancy romance, Sarah had gone against the Amish way and had let her mind and imagination run off with elaborate notions there too.

  Her whole life she always pictured falling in love being full of nervous emotion, peaks of romance, and the excitement of wondering if he loved her as much as she loved him. But maybe love was simpler. Maybe true love was finding someone you could talk to with ease, whose heart cared for the same things, and whose dreams could meld with your own.

  As Sarah pondered these thoughts again, she spotted Jathan coming down the dirt road from the direction of the store. He held a very familiar-looking cherry pie in one hand and waved with the other as he walked into the yard and approached the porch steps.

  She waved back. “How did you know I was thinking of you jest now?” she asked as he stepped up onto the porch and sat on the chair next to the swing.

  He shrugged. “I was thinking about you … so it makes sense.”

  “Really?” She paused her swinging and leaned forward. “What were you thinking?”

  “Oh, I jest got done talking to Annie, telling her how much I want to steal you away.”

  “You do, huh?” She tapped her finger on her chin. “Where to?”

  “Well, I really don’t want to steal you — not jest yet — but I was talking to her about how I could help grow my Mem’s bakery …”

  Sarah felt her lower lip rise up in a slight pout, but she hoped he didn’t notice.

  “What, Sarah? What’s wrong?”

  “Oh, I was jest hoping you were going to say our bakery.”

  “Well …” He leaned forward and took her hand. “That is something I haven’t dared to dream about — and didn’t want to press. Mem’s bakery seemed like a good start. And then … I couldn’t think of anything more wonderful than having a bakery with you.”

  Her heart fluttered as if it were going to lift from her chest and fly away, but even though they were the very words she wanted to hear, she could see in his gaze that it cost him something to speak them. They cost a sense of pride, although she wasn’t sure why. She’d ask him — bring it up another time — but she couldn’t squelch the joy that bubbled over in this moment.

  Laughter burst from Sarah’s lips. “You know, working with Englischers, I hear all types of romantic proposals, but Mr. Schrock, I do believe that’s the most romantic yet.”

  He smiled, too, but then, as he set the pie on the empty chair and leaned forward, the smile faded. He looked upon her with seriousness. “I’m enjoying this banter jest as much as you, Sarah, but I hope you know I’m not taking this conversation lightly. I’d like to spend time together and … dream. I jest don’t know if you’ve ever thought about running yer own bakery.”

  Laughter burst from Sarah’s lips. “Only for as long as I can remember.”

  “Then it’s something we should talk about, plan for …” He smiled. “As we get to know each other, that is.” Then Jathan tilted his head. “It’s amazing, don’t you think, that it’s something we could do together?”

  “Ja. It reminds me of an Amish proverb my oma had written in a letter once before she passed: ‘The grand essentials of happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.’ Having a bakery together would be a great thing to do. It fills me with hope jest thinking about it.” She paused and fiddled with her kapp string, wondering if she should say more.

  “And love?” Jathan dared to ask.

  Sarah wrinkled her nose. “I’m unfamiliar with knowing how that feels — the love fer a man that is — but if my emotions are not leading me astray, something like I’d expect love to be is growing in me more each day.”

  He exhaled a deep breath and opened his mouth, but just then the front door opened.

  “Jathan!” Mem’s voice exclaimed. “I thought I heard yer voice. I told Evelyn to set another plate jest in case. Please tell us you can stay.”

  Jathan released Sarah’s hand, like a child who’d been caught in the cookie tin. Then he rose. “I’d love to. I hope you do not mind.” He lifted the pie out of the chair and held it out as an offering. “We, uh, Sarah made it today.”

  “Ja, gut, gut,” Mem stepped forward and accepted it. “It’s a lovely pie and the perfect addition to our meal.” She turned to Sarah and winked. “And I’m sure Sarah — all of us — couldn’t be happier about our dinner guest. May this be only one of many, many meals together.”

  Jathan had just sat down at the Shelters’ table, and was breathing in the smell of Mrs. Shelter’s pot roast, when a sharp ringing interrupted their silent prayer. It sounded like a telephone, and Jathan’s head shot up. He looked around but the others still had their heads lowered. A moment later, Sarah’s father lifted his head and soon the other family members did the same.

  “The phone is in the shed, right next to the house,” Mrs. Shelter explained. Her voice wobbled slightly, and Jathan could tell she was embarrassed. “My husband uses it fer his business some, and …” She let her voice trail off.

  Sarah cleared her throat, and Jathan turned to her. She was seated beside him and fidgeted slightly in her chair. “After Patty’s accident, many Amish people put one in their sheds. We live in a dangerous community. With the logging, the forests, and the wild animals, we’re learning to be prepared. It’s not as if we’re going against the Ordnung …”

  “I understand. Things are different here.” Jathan reached out and accepted the green beans Mrs. Shelter offered. “It makes sense.”

  “I know how to check the messages.” Twelve-year-old Andy’s chest puffed out with pride.

  “I phone!” Little Evelyn chattered, practicing her English. She sat on the bench seat next to him and Jathan noticed every few minutes she’d scoot an inch closer.

  “Shh …” Sarah placed a finger over her lips. “Evie, you don’t want to share that with any visiting family from back east.”

  Jathan laughed and then he turned to Mrs. Shelter. “So Sarah tells me you have a sister in Berlin?”

  “Oh, ja, and I’ve visited Holmes County a few times. It’s a lovely place with all the rolling hills. I’m sad to say our children have not been there yet. I’m sure they’d love it.” Mrs. Shelter glanced at Sarah.

  “I hope that Sarah can come visit sometime.” Jathan cut a piece of pot roast with his fork and knife, but his thoughts were more on the pink of Sarah’s cheeks than on his meal. “I was telling her my Mem has a bakery. They would be best friends, I’m sure of it. I wrote Mem —” Evelyn tugged on his shirt sleeve. “I wrote Mem last month telling her about —” Evelyn tugged harder and he paused, turning his attention to her.

  “You marry Sarah?” Evelyn asked.

  “Marry, uh …” Jathan looked from Evelyn to Sarah, unsure how to answer that.

  Laughter burst from Andy’s lips. “You saved her. Now you’ve got to live with her.”

  “Andy …” Mr. Shelter’s voice was firm, but Jathan noticed humor in his gaze.

  “Bensel.” Mrs. Shelter shook her head.

  “I’m not a silly child, Mem.” Andy pouted. “You said yerself that Jathan would make a fine husband for Sarah.”

  Now it was Mrs. Shelter’s turn to flush pink.

  Jathan glanced over at Sarah, who was busy buttering her biscuit, ensuring every inch was slathered in butter, afraid to make eye conta
ct.

  “The truth is,” Jathan finally said, “I was hoping to bring up this conversation with Mr. Shelter.” He turned to the older man. “I’d like to spend more time with her, sir. To court her with hopes of a future together.” Even as he said the words, he felt as if it was a dream. He’d never have believed a month ago that this could be happening. He’d cared for Sarah from afar and now she was right here at his side. And her family seemed not only welcoming — but also hopeful of their possible future together.

  “That is my desire, at least … if that’s all right with you, Sarah.”

  She looked at him, her blue eyes shining. “Ja.”

  It was one simple word, but Jathan’s heart doubled in size within him.

  Mr. Shelter nodded and then opened his mouth to speak. But before words could emerge, his eyes moved beyond Jathan, as if he were studying something out the window beyond Jathan’s shoulder. Then, his eyes fixed in fear, he jumped from the table and hurried to the door.

  What? Jathan turned, but his question changed upon seeing the figure in motion. Who?

  CHAPTER

  16

  It was only as she neared that Jathan recognized Sarah’s boss, Annie, running across the Shelters’ front lawn with long strides. Within moments she was up the porch steps and through the front door Mr. Shelter had opened for her.

  Annie’s breathing came fast, as if she’d run all the way to the Shelter home from her store.

  She looked to Sarah first. “Did you hear the phone ringing?”

  “Ja … but we were eating dinner. We usually let it go to message first —”

  “Never mind.” Annie looked to Jathan. Her eyes bore into him, and his head jerked back. Concern folded her eyebrows and her lips were pressed together. Seeing that, fear pinched down on his gut like a vice.

  “It was your mother calling.” Annie swallowed hard. “She’s been trying to find a way to get ahold of you. She wouldn’t tell me what the problem was, but —” Annie’s voice quivered. “She seemed pretty shaken up. She wants you to call her right away.”