The Memory Jar

by Tricia Goyer

  “It’s something to think about.” Jathan said the words, but Sarah could see from his face that he dismissed her words as soon as she said them.

  It was something to pray about, she knew. Her own mother had been an example of that. Sarah had watched Mem over the years — speaking what she felt she needed to, and then stepping back and letting God use those words if he so chose, maybe in a different way and through a different person than expected.

  And sometimes never seeing things change as she’d like but knowing God was still in control.

  CHAPTER

  30

  Sarah had the afternoon off, and with Aunt Lynette’s birthday the following day, it was the perfect chance to make that cupcake covered with violets.

  Sarah gasped as she entered the cooking store and gazed at all the pots, pans, and gadgets. In one corner of the store — near the baking pans — a television played. A woman on the featured cooking program was making what looked like sugar flowers to decorate a cake. Sarah stepped closer, pretending to be interested in a new cake pan. She watched the television from the corner of her eye. The woman on the program shaped and cut the … what did she call it … fondant? Then she shaped the pieces into little flowers and put them on the cake.

  “Excuse me.” Sarah approached the woman at the counter. “Do you have any of that … fondant?”

  “Yes, dear. Have you ever worked with it before?”

  Sarah shook her head. “Ach, ne. I never saw such a thing.” She didn’t tell the woman that no one in the West Kootenai made such things. “Is it safe to eat?”

  “Yes, dear, of course. It’s nothing more than sugar and water.”

  The lady took her down an aisle lined with tools, molds, colorings, and tubs of fondant.

  She picked up a few items and handed them to Sarah. “Here is a tub to get you started and a small booklet. There are many colorings too. Feel free to ask any questions.”

  Sarah nodded. “Thank you.”

  Looking through the book, she didn’t see directions for violets, but there were directions for carnations. She was thankful Aunt Lynette liked carnations too.

  Sarah studied the rolling pins, mats, and colorings and found the items she needed. She purchased them and hurried to the bakery. She couldn’t bake at Aunt Lynette’s house, not if she wanted the cupcakes to be a surprise.

  Mem Schrock and Aunt Kay were busy up front. Sarah washed her hands and pulled off the plastic lid of the fondant container. She tried to remember the steps for making the fondant carnation. She started with a small, flat circle of fondant and then used the tool she’d bought to spread it out from the center to the edges, causing the end to ruffle as she did. When she went around the whole circle she did the same with a second and a third circle. She then placed one circle inside the other, folding the inner ones until the ruffles lifted layer by layer. Then, like the lady on the baking show, Sarah took the paintbrush she’d bought, dipped the tip in coloring, and painted the edges of the flower. She took a finished cupcake from the cooling rack, frosted it, then placed the fondant carnation on top.

  “Well, I’ll be.” Sarah sat back and looked at her small creation. If she hadn’t just made it, she would have thought the flower to be real.

  Sarah finished off the carnation cupcake and glanced out to the front of the bakery. She noticed the bakery items in the display case were getting low.

  “I’ll just stock up, and then hurry home,” she mumbled to herself.

  Sarah carried a tray to the bakery counter. On it were the maple cupcakes she’d made just this morning. As she placed them in the display case, a woman entered in high heels. Her blonde hair was as short as a man’s and streaked with black.

  The woman glanced at her watch and then rushed forward. “I’ll have one of those.” She pointed to the tray in Sarah’s hand.

  “Ja, of course.”

  The customer paid for the cupcake and then hurried to leave. How can she walk so fast in those shoes? The woman opened the door and stepped out onto the front porch before taking a bite of the cupcake. Before the door even shut completely, she turned around and came back inside.

  Sarah stepped forward. “Ma’am, is something wrong?”

  The woman hurriedly approached Sarah. “These are the best cupcakes I’ve ever had. I’d like to order two dozen for my daughter’s birthday tomorrow.” She glanced around the display case. “Do you decorate them at all?”

  “No.” Sarah shook her head. “Not really.”

  “What about that one?” The woman pointed to the carnation cupcake sitting on the counter in the kitchen.

  “That one?” Sarah noticed Mrs. Schrock and Aunt Kay’s eyes on her. “Well, I jest made that one fer my aunt’s birthday.”

  “I know that it must take extra time, but I’ll pay you double the price,” the customer said.

  Sarah looked to Mrs. Schrock again, hoping for a hint of how she should answer. Mrs. Schrock didn’t nod or shake her head no. Her face gave Sarah no indication of how to answer. But something inside Sarah did. Excitement filled her. She’d wanted to decorate cupcakes for ten years at least, and here was someone asking her to do that … and paying double.

  Sarah placed a hand to her chin and nodded. “Ja, I can do that. Will red carnations be fine?”

  “Do you have pink?” The woman clasped her hands together. “My daughter loves pink.”

  “Ja, of course.”

  Sarah had invited Jathan to the birthday dinner she’d prepared for her aunt. They waited a few extra minutes for him to arrive, but he didn’t show. During the meal, every sound outside caused Sarah to turn and search the road leading up to her aunt’s house, but Jathan was never the source. Frustration mixed with worry, and she told herself that he was fine. Maybe he forgot. Or maybe his mother needed his help.

  Sarah was clearing the table, preparing to bring out the cupcakes — including the special cupcake she’d made for her aunt — when there was a knock at the door. She opened it to find Jathan standing there, hat in hand.

  “I’m so sorry.” He rushed through the front door. “I was up in Charm today.”

  Sarah clasped her hands together. “Charm? Was that the meeting with the man from New York?”

  “Oh ne.” Jathan shook his head. “I had to postpone that. Yonnie needed me to make a delivery fer him.”

  She scratched the back of her neck. “You drove a piece of furniture all the way up to Charm in yer buggy?”

  “Actually, it’s only four-and-a-half miles, but ne. I rode up in a van with a driver. Yonnie didn’t trust the man to deliver it alone. He needed me to collect payment.”

  She nodded and motioned to the kitchen. Jathan followed her in.

  “So are you working with yer bruder now?” She fixed up a plate of leftovers.

  “ne. Jest helping where I can.”

  She blew out a breath and told herself not to get angry. He was just helping his family. Their community, she knew, was helping with money for his father’s hospital bills, but Jathan’s family was also missing his father’s income. She pushed her troubled thoughts away. “You can come and help me in the bakery anytime.”

  Jathan glanced over his shoulder at her aunt, uncle, and cousins, as if making sure they hadn’t heard. “Uh, I can perhaps do that at times. It’s not something I’ll be able to do often anymore.”

  He moved to the dining room table, greeted the others, lowered his head in prayer, and then dug into his food with gusto. “Thank you fer this,” he called back to her. “I was starved.”

  There was a heaviness about Jathan today, a weariness, as if he’d carried that piece of furniture all the way to Charm on his back.

  Aunt Lynette looked at Sarah and lifted an eyebrow.

  Sarah shrugged. How could she explain the wall he had around him tonight? Maybe it was just the weariness from a long day.

  Jathan finished his food in record time and then leaned back in his chair.

  Sarah took his plate to the kitchen and the
n returned to the dining room with the platter of cupcakes. The carnation cupcake sat in the middle of the plate.

  “Happy birthday, Aunt.”

  Aunt Lynette’s eyes widened. “Sarah, how lovely!” She reached out and picked up the decorated cupcake. “Oh, my, look at this. Ivan, did you see it? Jathan?” She held it out for both men to see. “Sarah, did you make it?” The children gathered around for a closer look.

  “Ja, and the flower is made out of sugar fondant. You can eat it, if you’d like.”

  Aunt Lynette shook her head. “Well, I’ll be. I’ve never seen such a thing.”

  The tension in Jathan’s face softened and he looked at her. “That does look real. Can I see?”

  Aunt Lynette handed it over and he held it on his palm as if it were made of china.

  “Have you done much of this before?” he asked.

  “ne, but I really liked it. I’m going to be making some more. A woman came into the bakery today. She ordered two dozen cupcakes like this fer a birthday party. She said she’d even pay double if I decorated them.”

  “Oh, Sarah, I’m so happy for you.” Aunt Lynette offered Sarah a quick hug. “I know what I said before about fancy things in Amish bakeries, but it is clear God has given you a gift.”

  Jathan placed it back onto the plate with the other cupcakes. “Ja, that’s gut, but two dozen cupcakes aren’t going to help much with the bills.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Oh, sorry. Just thinking out loud. When I went by fer the furniture, Yonnie told me about some of the things he needed money for. There was a lumber order that he thought Dat had paid, but then found out he hadn’t.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.”

  Uncle Ivan cleared his throat. “I’m sure if you talk to the supplier, he can make some arrangements …”

  “Ja, of course, but that’s only one bill,” Jathan said. “I’m afraid of what else we’ll find. And even if we can get some grace, the bills still need to be paid.”

  Sarah glanced around the table. Seven children’s faces patiently waited for their cupcakes. She clapped her hands together. “Well, now, let’s not ruin this birthday celebration with rain clouds.” She picked up the carnation cupcake and placed it before Aunt Lynette. “Who would like a cupcake?”

  “Me!”

  “Me, me!”

  She passed the plate down the table and each child eagerly took one. Voices rose in delight as they each tasted their cupcakes.

  Even Uncle Ivan’s face brightened into a large smile. “I’m sure this is the best cupcake I’ve ever eaten. Sarah, you’ve outdone yerself.”

  Sarah looked to Jathan to see if he approved. He seemed to enjoy the cupcake, but his eyes looked troubled. Dark circles hung under them.

  Aunt Lynette must have noticed his weariness too. She moved to the kitchen and wet a dish cloth to wipe off baby Elmer’s sticky hands, and then she pointed outside. “Why don’t you two head out fer a walk. It’s a beautiful night. It seems like Jathan can use a bit of peace.”

  “Are you sure?” Sarah looked around at the crumbs on the table and the children who needed help getting ready for bed.

  “Ja, we may play a game or read a story together. It’s a birthday tradition, and you two look as if you jest need some time to unwind,” she repeated. “From what I hear around town, the bakery is booming. You deserve some time to relax.”

  Sarah rose and Jathan did too. He placed a kiss on her aunt’s cheek. “Happy birthday.”

  “Ja, danki.”

  Sarah followed Jathan outside, down the porch steps, and onto the two-lane country road. Summer had planted herself deep in Berlin. Green fields stretched in every direction. Pink, yellow, and white wildflowers nodded their heads on the slight breeze, as if offering approval as they passed.

  They walked for a while, shoulder to shoulder. Sarah brushed her fingers against Jathan’s hand but it did little good. Jathan didn’t take her hand, although she wanted him to.

  “Do you think you can get more orders for decorated cupcakes?” he asked.

  “Ja, I really do. There is a book that shows how to make roses, daisies, asters. There were other designs, too, fer ladybugs, suns, monkeys — those were especially cute.”

  He stroked his chin. “And do you really think we can get double?”

  “Ja, and I have an idea. Catherine’s been helping some with the baking. She can do more of that, and I’ll spend more time decorating. The way things are growing, we’ll be the busiest bakery in all of Holmes County!”

  “Yer so confident. You act as if you’ve been running a bakery yer whole life, but what happens when that confident woman takes a walk down a country road with a man who worries it’ll all spin out of control?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, the bakery is changing. There are new customers, ja, but both Mem and Aunt Kay have mentioned that their faithful customers haven’t been coming in as often. And with these new cupcakes …” He shrugged. “We’ll jest wait and see what everyone thinks.”

  “I believe they’re going to love them. The old customers will get used to the changes, and the new ones will be drawn in!” Sarah added an extra hop to her step. “Jest look at the beauty around us. Even as we walk, my mind spins with all the ideas fer decorating cupcakes. Can you imagine one that looks like that sunset? I can picture the colors and shapes I’d use now.”

  Jathan’s footsteps slowed as if he considered her words. “So you really like it here?”

  She glanced around. “What’s not to like? I love the wide-open spaces. I enjoyed the mountains, too, but the horizon is my favorite. It seems to stretch in every direction with limitless promise. It makes me think that what I hope fer can come true.”

  “And what do you hope for, Sarah?”

  She could give a dozen answers, but only one mattered to Jathan. And to her.

  “I hope that I’ll be able to stay around a while. I thought I would miss Montana — my family — more, but I like this community. I could make it home, with the right conditions.”

  He paused his steps and she followed suit, then he reached out and touched her arm. “The right conditions?”

  She dropped her chin. “I would be too bold to say anything more than that.”

  After a thoughtful silence, he mused. “Yer unlike any other Amish woman I know. I appreciate that you share yer thoughts and are truthful. I don’t mind boldness. It’s the trying to figure someone out that bothers me.”

  “Well, in that case …” She placed a hand over her heart. Her hand trembled as she considered the words she would say. “The truth is, my staying depends on the right person.”

  His face brightened as if the morning sun had suddenly reappeared and lit it. She released the breath she’d held captive for too long.

  His head dropped to the side. “Do you think I’m that person?”

  She sighed and relaxed. “Ja, I do.”

  But instead of smiling, instead of giving her the same tender words of love that he’d shared just days earlier, Jathan resumed his steps. The light on his face dimmed. “That’s the problem. I know what I want to give you, Sarah; I’m jest not sure I can. There are so many family responsibilities … and if my Dat improves, well, that could change everything.”

  “What do you mean, Jathan?”

  He closed his eyes and opened them slowly. “I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to be the man you expect. The man you need.”

  They walked beneath the trees that lined the road. The covering of leaves was so thick that more light came in through the ends of the natural tunnel than above.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, you know the letter I wrote you, telling you I’d be able to work alongside you in the bakery?”

  “Ja.”

  “That was foolish talk, and we both know it. My bruder needs me to help him with deliveries and to pay the bills. There’s only so much extra money we can make on baked goods. The only solution I can think of
is to reconsider that job at the factory. If I’m going to live this life and support a wife and family, then that’s how things have to be.”

  “And how do you think yer wife will feel about that? Sure, you’ll have food on the table and a fine place to live, but a husband’s happiness … Is there anything of greater value than that?”

  “Listen to you. Life is not about happiness or following yer dreams. Our ancestors showed us what’s really important — family and hard work. You’ve worked with the Englisch too long.”

  His words wrapped around Sarah’s heart and squeezed painfully tight, causing her to feel short of breath.

  “I expected you’d say that one of these days. All Amish people I know usually do.” Sarah crossed her arms over her chest. “I can see it now. Whenever we have a disagreement, I’ll be in the wrong, and the reason will be that I’ve spent too much time with the Englisch.” When she finished spouting those words, she stopped in her tracks, wanting him to stop and talk to her. Really talk.

  He didn’t say anything but continued walking.

  “Yer not going to answer me?”

  “My Dat always told me it’s foolish to answer a woman in her folly,” he called over his shoulder.

  Sarah gasped. She set her hands on her hips and marched after him. “You saying that — you putting up these defenses — means I’ve hit the nail on the head. You know I did. You know yerself you don’t want to live this life jest to earn enough money to keep a family!”

  They walked out of the grove of trees and the world brightened around them. Jathan glanced down at her, his eyes partly squinted. She wished it were only because of the added light, but she knew it wasn’t the case.

  “Why won’t you believe me, Sarah, when I tell you that’s not possible?”

  “What do you mean?” She grabbed his arm, forcing him to turn toward her, to pause.

  “Yesterday Dat said my Mem’s name. ‘Mags.’ It was jest a whisper.”

  Sarah clasped her hands together. “That’s wonderful.”

  “Ja, it is. I want nothing more than for him to get better.

  But when he starts talking, well, I know what he’s going to tell me. He was very clear before I left. He wants me to work at the shop or work in the factory.”