Cuts Like Glass

by Dana Feldman

  There was something missing in her eyes when she had looked at him the past few months. That was when he knew what he had to do. She wasn’t in love with him anymore, and he knew that eventually she’d want to leave him, or worse.

  He felt guilty reading her texts and emails but he needed to be sure. Before he did this, he had to know for certain. At first, he’d thought that there was someone else, but apparently that hadn’t been it at all.

  He’d known what he had to do months before. She was getting too close to walking out on him. At first, she’d done as he’d requested. She’d behaved. But then she became resentful, and he’d learned in the past that once that happened there really wasn’t any turning back.

  Then he found out that she knew too much about him. She acted like she didn’t but she knew things. Circumstances had changed. He could see it in her eyes. Hear it in her voice. Feel it in her kiss. There wasn’t love there anymore. It was ruined, no longer perfect.

  Mulling all this over in his head helps him to forget temporarily about the exhaustion that’s quickly taking over. Every single muscle in his body aches. According to the GPS on his watch, he has less than half a mile to go. Searching for a happy memory this time, to keep him going, he thinks of their first date.

  “I guess I was pretty obvious then?” he asks, unable to take his eyes off her. She’s so beautiful. He cannot stop staring at her lips. He’s never been so mesmerized by anyone. He hangs onto every word she says. He wants to know everything about her.

  “I thought it was charming,” she says. He leans in to kiss her again. He runs his fingers gently through her hair as their tongues explore. He wants to explore every inch of her. He’s never felt this way before. It’s almost too much.

  “I just couldn’t imagine going into work and not seeing you there,” he admits, the seriousness in his voice unhidden. He’s too far gone now. He’s in love. There’s no turning back now.

  “Just at work?” she teases. Her eyes hold him still. He cannot move. He doesn’t want to.

  “If I’m going to be honest, I can’t imagine a day without you in my life, Ella. Does that frighten you?”

  “Frighten me? No, it excites me,” she replies. She takes his face in her hands and kisses him. She has him, and she knows it.

  It was then, in that moment, that he knew that he’d finally met his match.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  A NECESSARY EVIL

  “What do you mean she’s with someone?” Gabe yells, furious beyond words.

  “I would’ve told you sooner, but you haven’t exactly been in touch,” his friend Jay responds, defending himself.

  “I’ve already apologized for that,” Gabe says, needing to get answers. Now.

  “So where exactly in Mexico did you stay?” Jay asks, wanting a few answers himself.

  “A town called Patzcuaro,” Gabe answers, the anger still heavy in his voice. “Who is this guy?”

  “Look, I know you’re pissed, but how was I supposed to even get a message to you when you never called me? We had a deal. You were supposed to be the one to reach out! Not me.”

  Gabe sees his point, he really does. He just doesn’t know how to explain how fucked up he’s been this whole time. The guilt that he’d felt thinking he’d killed Ella had been unbearable, and he’d spent the better part of the past year with his head in a bottle.

  But he needed to come back. It was time. He found out that she was still alive, and that charges hadn’t yet been filed against her for killing him. He didn’t understand the hold up. He’d left enough of his blood to ensure a serious injury. They didn’t need a body. Hasn’t anyone ever heard of a circumstantial murder case for fuck’s sake?

  “Yeah, yeah, you’re right. I should’ve called,” Gabe says finally, his tone a little less sharp. “So, tell me, who’s the guy?”

  “I don’t know, man. I’m trying to find out,” Jay says, omitting a few things for now. He’ll tell him everything when the time is right; when he can be certain he won’t end up with a bullet between the eyes. Everyone hates the messenger.

  They both sit there silently for a few minutes. The bar is jammed packed with scantily clad men and women. Being a beach town, most are in pretty good shape. Toned and tanned people are everywhere.

  Gabe notices the stares that he’s getting from the blonde serving them drinks. She’s just come back with another round, tequila shots and Coronas with lime. He winks at her as she sets the drinks down. He’s not too terribly interested but plays along anyway.

  He can’t stand out for any reason. And he knows that this one gets hit on regularly. He just cannot afford to be the one guy who didn’t give her an ego stroke. He needs to blend.

  “Cheers,” Gabe says as she walks away. The two men drain their shots and chase them down with swigs of ice-cold beer.

  “Cheers,” Jay repeats from across the small round table. “I like what you did with your hair,” he jokes.

  Gabe rubs his shaved head, laughing at the absurdity of the lengths that he’s gone to disguise himself. He lost thirty pounds and hit the weights so hard that he can see his muscles protruding all over his body. Spindly veins protrude down his arms covered with tattoos, which also cover his chest and back. The shaved head was the last added touch. He almost startles himself sometimes when he looks in the mirror. He sometimes doesn’t even recognize himself. This is by far the most extensive transformation that he’s ever made.

  He’s had to do this before, completely transform himself. He’s never gone as far as some of the other guys. They’ll go as far as plastic surgery. He’s always refused.

  “Gabe,” Jay starts, and stops himself the second the word comes out of his mouth. “I’m sorry, man. It’s going to take me a minute here. Eddie,” he says, correcting his mistake. “Tell me what you need me to do, and I’ll do it.”

  Gabe looks at the stack on the table in front of him. He takes a look at each item carefully before saying anything. The ID looks perfect, a California driver license of sheer perfection. There’s a social security card and a passport. He has two new credit cards: a Visa, and an American Express. He looks at his friend.

  “There’s a ten thousand max on each. If you need more, let me know.”

  Gabe nods his head. He understands. They’ve both been here before. Sitting across a table from one another in some city or out of the way beach town, always with a stack like the one he’s now putting in his back pocket. This is the seventh alias that he’s had. With each one, he’s completely transformed everything about himself, fully immersing himself into the new person that he’s had to become. He knows the drill. Everything about it is the same, except for the fact that everything about him has changed.

  He used to enjoy this. It was exciting to start anew. But the excitement has faded, and now he feels the sharp sting of being completely alone in the world.

  “And what about a car?” he asks, knowing that Jay has taken care of every detail.

  “I think I did well on that. You look like a guy who’d drive an SUV, Eddie,” he says, handing Gabe a set of keys. “When I leave, just wait five minutes. Then go out to the back parking lot, and when you press this button on the key fob, the headlights on a black Land Rover will flash.”

  “Got it,” he says, as Jay starts to get up to leave. “And thank you, man, for everything. As always, you’ve come through.”

  “Stop getting yourself into trouble, man, seriously.” He sits back down to talk to his pal. “You have to be careful. One of these days, man, your luck is going to run out.”

  “I know. And I’m done with all of this, I mean it.”

  “Good to hear,” Jay says, though he fully doubts it.

  “Well, after I do just one more thing.”

  “Oh come on, you can’t be serious,” he scoffs, hating to be right.

  “I’m very serious.”

  “Tell me you’re not going to kill her.”

  “I have to finish what I started.”

  �
��Why? They’re building a case against her. She’ll go down for murder. You don’t need to do anything. Go and live this new life I just gave you, Gabe,” he says, an audible frustration in his voice. “Eddie,” he says, correcting himself. “I promise I’ll get used to the name change; it’ll just take a second,” he adds, noting the stern look he’s getting.

  “First of all, you didn’t give me anything. I paid you for it. Secondly, you’re the one who taught me about loose ends.”

  “She’s not a loose end. Like I said, she’ll go down for killing you. You don’t need to do anything. Just move on, man. Live your life!”

  “Awe, shit, you’re getting attached to her, aren’t you? Now you understand why I fell so hard for her.”

  “That’s not it. I just see you do this over and over again. You know what they say about insanity, right? It’s doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.”

  “Don’t get in the middle of this. Just do what I hired you to do. And stay out of my way.”

  He’s seen this look in his friend’s eyes over the years. He knows what it means. He isn’t sure what to do to fix things this time.

  “Ok,” he says to eyes glaring at him in a way that sends a chill up and down his spine.

  “Ok, then. Get me the information I asked you for and we’ll meet again one week from today.” At Jay’s hesitation, “I do hope that we’re clear here. I’d hate to see anything bad happen to you.”

  “We’re good, all good, man,” Jay says and gets up to leave. As he walks away, he hopes his friend doesn’t put a bullet through the back of his head. He wouldn’t hold it past him. He’s seen him do much worse than that.

  Gabe waits the five minutes and then heads out back. He pushes the button on the key fob, and just as he was told, the headlights on a black Land Rover flash three times. He opens the door and hops inside.

  He can smell the brand new dark gray leather interior and breathes in the scent. Catching a glimpse of himself in the side view mirror he shocks himself yet again. He truly looks like a completely different person. Ella would never recognize him now. Nobody would. This is going to be perfect. He can pretty much just hide out in plain sight.

  He scrolls through his phone for the text message with all her information. He has her new address. He’s surprised that she actually stayed in Marina del Rey. He thought she’d move as far away as possible, but maybe she really believes he’s dead. Maybe she really believes she’s safe, free of him.

  That’ll never happen, he thinks to himself, a smile creeping across his face. He scrolls through the recent photographs of her. A lot of them are of her driving out of her apartment complex or coming home, a few of her at the market, the drycleaners and going to the gym. Normal everyday things. He wants to see everything, know everything.

  She’s still stunning. She lightened her hair. It was always chestnut brown, now it’s a honey blonde and much longer than he’s ever seen her wear it. She looks like she’s lost a bit of weight herself, probably the stress of the last year.

  The phone rings, interrupting his thoughts.

  “Yes,” he says, answering only because he recognizes Jay’s number.

  He listens to him on the other end of the line as he fills him in on a few things. None of it makes him at all happy. He understands why Jay was afraid to tell him in person. He can feel his entire body tense up with anger. He’s never been one to handle betrayal well.

  “What do you mean she’s living with a guy? Who the hell is he? Yeah, you told me she was seeing someone, not that she was living with him.”

  He’s fuming with rage as Jay continues to talk. He tries to control his breathing, refusing to succumb to his rage. Not yet, anyway.

  “Find out and get back to me,” he yells, hanging up. He’s trying to calm himself down, but he’s just getting more and more furious with each passing second. He manages to gain control over himself, just barely.

  So she’s just gone on with her life, as if he never existed, huh? He’s not going to kill her, at least not just yet. That’d be far too easy. No, he’s going to make her suffer first. He redials the last incoming number on his phone.

  “Get me a copy of whatever the police are working on,” he says. “Whatever case they’re building, I want to see it ASAP.”

  No, he’s definitely got a much better idea than simply killing her. He’s going to drag this out, really make her suffer. What he plans to do to her will be much, much worse than death.

  He’d loved Ella, but she’d let him down. He just couldn’t let her get away. Now that his plan is falling apart, desperate measures are a necessary evil.

  He starts up the car and drives away. It’s not long and he’s getting onto the 101 Freeway, heading south. He’ll miss Santa Barbara, but it’s definitely time to head back towards Los Angeles. As much as he hates her right now, for everything that she’s doing to him, he still loves her.

  He thinks about the night he proposed to her. He’d never been so happy, so deeply in love. They’d only been seeing one another for three months, but he knew. He just knew. He’d been married before but not for the right reasons.

  They’d gone sailing. He had the ring in his front shirt pocket. As he steered the boat, both hands on the wheel, she’d come up behind him just as he knew she would. Her chest flush against his back, she’d wrapped her arms around him the way he loved. As she rubbed her hands across his chest, she’d felt the ring box and giggled.

  “What’s this?” she’d asked, pulling the box from his pocket.

  He’d turned around then, gotten down on one knee and asked the question.

  “Will you marry me, Ella?” he said, his heart thumping fiercely in his chest.

  “Yes! Yes, yes,” she’d squealed, pure joy in her voice as she jumped up and down.

  He pulled her down on top of him, and they made love right there and then. He’d never been so happy.

  “I cannot wait to be your wife,” she whispered into his ear. They lay there naked, she on top of him, just a blanket to cover them should anyone sail by. Legs and arms intertwined, she held her hand up and stared at the perfectly cut diamond as it glistened in the sun. It caught a ray of a sunbeam then, and she saw her perfectly bright future before her.

  He married Peggy because she was pregnant, and he saw how terribly that one ended. And Amelia, though he had truly loved her, it just wasn’t the same. He’d married her out of guilt. She’d pressured him; given him an ultimatum and he’d been afraid of losing her. That one didn’t end well either.

  This time was different in so many ways. He’d fallen head over heels in love. This time it wasn’t that he felt pressured or felt in any way pushed into proposing. This time he wanted to be with someone forever.

  They’d made so many promises to one another. This time, he believed, would work out. And it did for the first year. Things were so perfect. They were so in love, so happy. He’d managed to keep his dark side hidden longer than usual. She somehow knew to leave him alone when he got into one of his moods.

  She knew just when it was ok to come to him. She touched him the way he liked to be touched, and any anger, any rage at the world, would just dissipate. Things remained this way for a while, certainly longer than with anyone in the past.

  It was far too perfect to ever last. He always knew that. He just waited, as he knew the day would eventually come. And it did.

  He rolls down the window allowing fresh air into the car as he glides down the freeway. Traffic isn’t too bad. At this rate he can be in Marina del Rey before it gets dark. He thinks about that day, the one where everything changed.

  He’d been in one of his dark places. This was a particularly bad one. He didn’t always know when they’d come. And he always tried to tell her that he’d be busy working when they did. He’d hide away from her, in some hotel or other, waiting for the mood to pass.

  This time she’d begged for him to stay with her, not to leave. He’d been out in the garage, work
ing, building a cabinet for all of his tools. She hated how messy the garage was so he was going to fix that. His days as a carpenter always came back to him when he got this way.

  It was either build something or tear something apart: construction or destruction.

  He heard the door open behind him. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This was not a good time for her to come out here. She came up slowly behind him, the same way she had that day on the boat when he proposed.

  Her arms wrapped tightly around him, her chest to his back. But instead of feeling wonderful this time, it felt suffocating. He’d tried to avoid this, to leave. But the sad look on her face when he said he was leaving for a few days broke him down, and he’d stayed, knowing full well that he shouldn’t have.

  She was trying to be close to him, but he couldn’t handle it right then. When he turned around and struck her she fell backwards. She scrambled further back away from him, blood pouring from her nose.

  He knew that look of shock. He’d seen it before. He knew from past experience that things were never the same after a woman looked at you that way. He got down on the ground with her, tried to hold her, tried to apologize. She scooted away from him, finally getting up and running back into the house.

  Things were never the same after that day.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  HOMECOMING

  Thoughts and questions spin rapidly around my head, fighting for my attention as I drive with Peter back from Santa Barbara to Los Angeles. Each time I try to focus, to process one, another pushes into the forefront.

  What am I doing? I’m just helping someone in need. Why in the hell am I doing this when I have more than enough of my own problems to contend with? Because someone did the same for me. And on and on.

  I realize that I missed whatever it is that he’s just said. He’s waiting for me to respond. Looking over at him to my right I say, “I’m sorry, what was that?”