Start Again: A Novel (Start Again Series #1)

by J. Saman

  Why can’t she see that I need her to stay?

  That I just plain need her?

  “Because we haven’t really factored any Seattle time into our plans. I mean, I’m moving there, and hoping you’ll consider doing the same,” I raise two eyebrows up at her, seeing if she’ll balk at that. “What if we get there a day early and spent it going around the city?”

  She blinks up at me. Once. Twice. “Okay,” she eventually says in a slow, even tone. “We could do that.”

  I sigh, because I have been avoiding this shit and it’s just absurd at this point. After that near-death escapade with Gerald yesterday, I’m sort of in a carpe diem way of life.

  “Katie? What are your plans for when we get to Seattle?”

  She’s silent for another twelve steps. I know because I can’t help but count them out.

  “I don’t know, Ryan,” she tilts her head up at me. She’s so short when she’s wearing her sneakers, it requires some effort to actually look down at her while maintaining our pace. “I uh…I haven’t really let myself get that far,” she laughs out uncomfortably. “I mean, I know it’s coming up really soon. Sooner now than before, but I was sort of doing my living in the moment thing.”

  “Okay. But if you had to think about it? Do you think you’d consider staying on, or do you plan to leave shortly after getting there?” I need to know. I need to prepare myself for the reality that I’m almost positive is coming.

  She’s leaving me.

  “I might,” she half whispers. “I have no doubt I’ll love Seattle, Ryan and it is possible that I choose it as my new home. You’d certainly be a very strong reason for that.” She reaches out a small hand, grasping my jacket and pulling me to a stop to face her. “I care about you. So much. I hope you know that.”

  She looks down at the worn dirt and gravel covered path.

  “I’ve told you I’m not ready for a relationship. That hasn’t changed despite my feelings for you. I uh…” she looks up at me again. “I need more time. To think, ya know?”

  I nod. I do know. I have known, which is why I tried to separate myself from her in the first place. Create some distance once I realized the true nature of my feelings for her—realized just how completely obsessed with her I was.

  But then we kissed, and everything I tried to stop could no longer be.

  I love her.

  I want to tell her that, but it’s not right.

  Not the right time. It would just confuse her more. I don’t want her to stay with me out of manipulation or a sense of obligation, or anything like that.

  I want her to stay with me because she’s wants me. Wants a life with me. A future with me.

  She doesn’t, and I have to learn to live with that.

  Despite how it fucking destroys me.

  “Okay. I was just curious,” it’s all I can manage, so I start walking again and I hear her shoes crunching against the earth, indicating that she’s doing the same.

  We’re silent for a while, just walking and looking around at the natural beauty surrounding us, but it’s gotten progressively darker the farther in we go. I’m about to suggest we turn back when she stops, her hand out, palm up to the sky. “Was that rain I just felt?”

  Just when I’m about to tell her I don’t feel anything, I do. Shit. “Yup. It’s rain. We should head back before it comes down on us.” And then the sky opens up and it begins to pour.

  “Shit. Run.” I grab her hand and we run like hell.

  We’re a few miles in and it’s coming down hard so I when I spot a fallen tree trunk that’s hovering several feet off the ground, wedged against another tree, I lead us there. “

  We’ll have to wait it out. Let’s hope it’s just a passing shower.”

  “Seriously,” Katie laughs, ringing out some of the excess water from her hair and then throwing it up on top of her head into a bun. “Dude, it’s freezing now. What the hell?” She shivers and I throw my arms around her, keeping her against me, because I’m cold too. And wet. Being cold and wet sucks. “So Ryan, now that we’re stuck in the forest in the middle of a rain storm, we should get to know each other better.”

  I laugh at the playful tone in her voice. Katie really does just roll with the punches, doesn’t she? “Sounds like a plan.” I kiss the damp, rain-scented top of her head. “What do you want to know?”

  “I want to know about your work, but if you still don’t want to tell me, that’s cool too.”

  Shit. Why does it always come back to that? “What specifically do you want to know?” I’m trying not to get annoyed, and I get her wanting to know since I’ve been way too cagey about it, but still.

  “I know you do cyber-security. That you own your own business. That you do favors for your friends. But I also know there’s more you’re not telling me.”

  “Look Katie, I’ve had trouble in the past with people I thought I could trust. I’m sorry for being so secretive about it, I’m just…cautious.”

  “You don’t have to tell me. I get that you don’t know me all that well, so I could understand you not trusting me with something like that.”

  She’s not saying this in a harsh or mean way. Or even a scheming, fake-hurt way. She’s being totally genuine, which makes me feel awful.

  Do I trust Katie? Yes. I do.

  But I also trusted Tristan, and look where that got me. Fuck it. Katie is not Tristan. Katie may in fact be the purest, most honest person I’ve ever met.

  “I started out as a computer programmer in college. I’m very good with writing code and creating software and…that lead to hacking into things.” She’s silent, just letting me speak with her head still pressed against my chest. “You know I created some apps in college, and that’s true. I also did other things that weren’t so…legal. That all stopped when a fellow competitor got busted by the Feds and I didn’t.”

  She pulls in a rush of air, but doesn’t comment or react beyond that.

  “After that I used my skills to help prevent cyber-crime,” I emphasize. “And yes, friends ask me to check out their stuff to make sure it’s good, and as it should be,” I sigh because here comes the rough part. “I’ve created a piece of software that is going to change cyber security. It’s—thus far—an impenetrable system that will protect servers and systems from cyber-attacks and malware. It’s going live in the next few weeks, and that’s going to give me and my company a lot of press.”

  “And that’s a bad thing?” She can tell by my voice that it is. At least, it feels like it could be. I squeeze her tightly against me, needing her warmth and comfort, her smell and essence.

  Just fucking needing Katie.

  “Shortly after college, I told my cousin Tristan about some of my misadventures in school, and how I got some of my money,” I breathe out hard, the air fogging in front of me. Damn, it’s cold. “Katie, you need to know, I never stole from anyone. I wasn’t going around taking what didn’t belong to me. But I did some things I’m not entirely proud of and…I profited from them.” I rush through the last part, feeling as ashamed as always when I think about it. “I’m a different man now. You understand that, right?”

  She nods her head against my chest. “Yes. I believe you.”

  The sincerity in her voice causes my eyes to slam shut, before opening them just as quickly. I’m so crazy for this woman.

  “My cousin tried to blackmail me. Said he’d go to the Feds and turn me in if I didn’t pay him several millions of dollars.”

  Her head snaps up to look at me, eyes full of pain and sympathy and maybe a little overprotective indignation for me. Jesus, that feels so good to see.

  “He was in with the wrong people, which I didn’t know about at the time. Needed the money to pay them off. Anyway, he ended up getting arrested before any of this could happen, and then he tried to tell the Feds about me, though they didn’t seem to care much. There was no proof of anything against me, and all my money appeared to be explai
ned by the software and apps I had created.” I stroke her cold moist cheek, her chin resting against my chest. “That’s why I don’t like press or attention. That’s why I don’t like notoriety or to talk about what I do. I’m trusting you with this because I don’t think you’ll go behind my back, and I doubt you’re after my money.” I try for a smile, but I’m sure she can see how bitter it is.

  She snorts. “I could care less about your money, Ryan. Believe it or not, I have plenty of my own. Some of it I have no intention of spending. Ever,” she punctuates with widened eyes. “As for going behind your back, I could never ever do that. You’re a good man,” her fingers glide across my bristly cheek as her eyes sear into mine, “and I understand that you may have done some things that were not on the level, but we’ve all done things that we regret. I’m not judging you and I’m certainly not going to betray the trust you’ve just imparted in me.”

  I love you.

  I want to say those words to her so badly my chest and throat are burning with the restraint to hold them in.

  So I do the only thing I can do.

  I kiss her and let it tell her for me. Her words mean everything to me. I’ve never met anyone quite like Katie and I’m going to have to fight like hell to keep her.

  “What do you mean you never intend to spend some of your money?” I ask when I’m done kissing her.

  She shrugs a shoulder against my chest. The rain is still pounding all around us, but the large tree trunk is keeping us reasonably dry. Definitely not warm, but we’ll take what we can get right now.

  “My dad left me money when he died. My mother already had more than enough for herself, and he left me a large chunk. I’ve spent that on occasion throughout the years, but I’ve saved most of it. I also have money from the sale of my house, which I’ve also used as needed, which again, isn’t often.”

  She sighs heavily, puffing the plume of white exhaust at me.

  “Eric had a trust fund that he had set aside and was going to leave to our children. When he and Maggie died, it was passed onto me. I will never spend that money.” Her tone is so unyielding that there is no room for argument. “I’ve offered it to his parents, but they declined. They’ve got more than they’ll ever be able to spend, and Eric’s older sister has a trust of her own and didn’t want it either. So I’m stuck with it,” she sighs out. I can tell she despises that money. Loathes everything it represents. “I could donate it and eventually I probably will, but I can’t decide where, so it just sits accruing interest.”

  “Why don’t you want to keep it? Use it?”

  She turns her head, looking out into the rain, staring out into the thick forest without really seeing it. “Because I hate the idea of profiting from his death. That money makes me sick.”

  “I can understand that.”

  “Do you need to find a place to live in Seattle?” she asks, changing the subject after a quiet moment.

  “No. My assistant, Claire, found me a furnished house to rent in the city.”

  “That’s cool. Do you know what it looks like?”

  I shrug. “It’s a house. Bungalow-style or something. Updated, but not overly modern. I like more comfortably nice than modern or stuffy nice, if that makes sense?”

  “It does. What made you go for a house instead of an apartment or condo?”

  “I didn’t want to buy yet. That would definitely require me being there to see the places, and I like houses. I’m not big into strangers living above or below me.”

  She laughs. “No, I imagine you wouldn’t be. And yet, you’ve managed well with me for the last however many days, haven’t you?”

  She’s teasing me now, but that doesn’t make her wrong.

  I’ve never been one to live with other people. Even in college, I always had my own space. But living with Katie is easy. She’s not demanding or needy, and I like spending all my time with her.

  “It will certainly be an adjustment if you make me give that up.” I’m trying for light and failing miserably.

  “If?” she asks, looking up at me again. “You don’t want me to live with you? Right?”

  How the fuck do I answer that loaded question when she asks it like that? “What if I said I did?”

  She blinks up at me before breaking eye contact. “I don’t think I can do that, Ryan.”

  “I know, Katie. I’m not really asking anyway.”

  “So you have a house.” She keeps going like that small living together moment didn’t happen. “What about a car?”

  “It’s being shipped along with the rest of my stuff.”

  “Ah,” she says like it all makes sense. “I was wondering why you only had one suitcase with you.”

  “I have more stuff than what I brought with me. My car, boxes of crap, more clothes, that sort of thing.”

  “Why didn’t you drive your car out yourself?”

  I’m shocked it’s taken her this long to ask. “For one, my car is a bit on the older side and I was worried it wouldn’t love the trip. Two, you offered to drive me and there was no way I was going to pass that up.” I pinch her side through her puffy jacket making her giggle and squirm. “The rain looks like it’s letting up. Do you want to risk it?”

  “If you could deliver me to a place that is warm, dry and possibly offers access to a large bathtub, you’d be my personal hero.”

  “Who the hell can turn down that challenge? We might have to run a bit, though.”

  “Then it’s a good thing my ass is in excellent shape.”

  “Yes, it is, so move that hot ass before I decide to spank it again.”

  Katie throws me a wicked grin. “We can play that game later.”

  She winks and then starts to run. We were further in than I thought, and it takes us close to a half an hour of running in the wet, freezing cold to get back to the car. By the time we do, we’re both exhausted and drenched.

  “Who’s brilliant idea was it to go to the freaking forest?”

  “Yours.”

  “Oh right.” We turn on the car, blasting the heat and head back towards the highway and the coast. “Do you know where we’re going?”

  “No,” I laugh out. I pick up my phone, unlock it and call Claire, who picks up on the second ring. Bless her. “Claire, we’re outside the fucking redwood forest and I need a hotel that is warm, dry and has a large bathtub.” I throw Katie a wink and she laughs under her breath.

  “On it like a bonnet,” Claire says. “But you do realize you’re in the middle of fucking nowhere, and it may be difficult for me to find the type of accommodations you’re used to, right?”

  “Whatever you can find for us would be great. We’re stuck in the car and internet access sucks around here.”

  “You got it, boss.”

  “I hate it when you call me that.”

  She laughs in that raspy tone of hers. “I know. That’s why I do it. I’ll shoot you a text in a moment. Later, skater.”

  She hangs up on me and I can’t help but smile.

  Claire was born decades too late, but she’s adorable in a twenty-two-year-old little sister sort of way. Two minutes later she texts me an address, which I punch into the car’s GPS and we head off. We arrive at a bed and breakfast that is situated on a cliff overlooking the ocean. It’s really just a small house, but I don’t care and neither does Katie.

  The inn-keeper—I guess is what they are called—seems like a friendly enough guy, and leads us up to a large room with a king-size bed, a fireplace that is already lit with a roaring fire, a terrace overlooking the ocean, and a large en-suite bathroom. He tells us breakfast is at eight, and then he leaves us alone.

  Katie stands in front of the fire, enjoying the heat. “I’m going to take a bath,” Katie wags her eyebrows suggestively. “Wanna come join me for a swim?”

  I laugh, but it quickly gets stuck in my throat when she starts to shimmy out of her wet jeans. I swear, watching Katie strip naked will never
get old.

  “Lead the way, doll.”

  She starts the bath, making sure it is up to temperature and dumping some smelly, flowery shit into the water to make bubbles. I light the candles that are strategically placed throughout the space.

  She smiles up at me softly and then slips into the water, closing her eyes briefly as her cold skin makes contact with the warm water. It’s a claw-foot tub, and not a large one at that, so even as I climb in behind her, it’s awkward and uncomfortable.

  “You don’t have to stay,” she laughs out as I try again to change my position, sloshing sudsy water everywhere. “But if we ever do this again, I’m demanding a gigantic tub.”

  “Noted,” I laugh, getting out and wrapping a white fluffy towel around my waist, but I don’t want to leave her, so I pull the small stool that was sitting in the corner over, and perch myself on it next to the tub. “Can I wash your hair?”

  She shakes her head.

  “It will be a pain in the ass in this little tub,” she gestures to the limited space around her small wet body. Fuck. “We’ll shower together after?”

  “I’m good with that,” I say, leaning in to kiss her soft, full lips. “What’s our plan for tomorrow?” Resting on the edge of the tub against the cool cast iron, I continue. “Portland is like a seven-hour drive. I’m not against it, just curious what you want to do.”

  She leans back, her wet hair resting on the tub as she cups handfuls of bubbles, placing them over her exposed skin. I’m completely mesmerized by the motion.

  “I’m liking the idea of a day in Seattle.” It’s something I did not expect her to say, but can’t help feel good about.

  “Then Portland tomorrow it is. We’ll have to wake up, eat breakfast and go.”

  She frowns. “It’s the last of our long trips.” I nod but don’t say anything else. She knows where my mind is. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, looking down at the disintegrating bubbles. “I shouldn’t have let this happen.”

  “What?” I’m both alarmed and pissed, because just what the fuck?

  Her blue eyes are watery when they find mine.

  “I’ve got a shit ton of baggage. We’ve been talking around and over this again and again. I feel like I’m playing with you, and I hate that. Fucking hate it, Ryan.” Her glistening eyes bounce back and forth between mine. “I’m still a mess and I knew that going in, and yet…I couldn’t resist you. I’ve never felt like this before,” she continues. “So conflicted. So unsure of what to do.” A tear spills out over her eyes and down her cheek, but neither of us moves to wipe it away. “I don’t want to hurt you,” she says on a sob.