Beautifully Broken

by Laura Lee

  “I’m not going back there,” I sniff. “I can’t…not right now. I’ll be okay; I can stay with a friend.”

  He takes a deep breath and exhales. “I’ll be in touch soon.”

  “Okay.”

  “Katherine, this probably goes without saying, but I’m taking some time off from the club. I suggest you do the same. Just let me know when you’re ready to come back.”

  I nod silently before turning around and walking away. Numbly, I make my way through the corridors to the parking lot. I don’t even remember the drive to Gavin’s as I put my key in the lock and open the front door. Frodo is waiting for me in the foyer. He rubs himself against my legs, trying to get my attention.

  I bend down to pick him up. “Hi, buddy.”

  He mews in response. I cradle him to my chest and carry him to bed. I’m exhausted but every time I close my eyes, I see my mom’s face. Instead, I focus on Frodo’s rhythmic purrs as I stroke his soft fur. It’s well after sunrise before I’m able to sleep.

  “HAPPY NEW YEAR,” Gavin whispers as he softly kisses the back of my neck. “Did you miss me?”

  “What time is it?” I mumble.

  “Just after three. Are you feeling okay? It’s not like you to sleep in so late.”

  My eyes are so swollen from crying that I have trouble prying my lids open. I stretch as I roll over to face him and squint at the brightness assaulting my eyeballs. I must look as bad as I feel because Gavin’s eyes widen when he gets a good look at me.

  “Kat, what’s wrong? Why do you look like you’ve been crying?”

  I sit up and scrub a shaky hand over my face. I’m surprised I have any tears left as my eyes begin to fill. “Because I have.”

  He gently places his palm on my cheek. “What happened?”

  “My mom died last night,” I explain with an exhale. “Technically, early this morning, I guess.”

  Gavin’s mouth falls open in shock. “What? How?” He pulls me into his chest and wraps his arms around me as my tears break loose. “Shh, baby,” he says. “We don’t have to talk about it until you’re ready.”

  I pull away from him and wipe my eyes. “No, that’s okay. I have to get it out eventually.” I take a deep breath. “I went to drop off my rent check after work this morning. My checkbook was inside the apartment so I went in to grab it. That’s where I found her.”

  He raises his eyebrows. “She was at your apartment?”

  I nod and try to swallow but my mouth feels too dry. My throat too tight. "She and Marcus had a fight. I thought…I just thought she was drunk. I thought she was passed out. But she looked…" I choke back my sob. "There was nothing they could do. It was too late. I was too late. She…she was so bl-blue."

  “Oh, Kat,” Gavin breathes as he pulls me into him again. “I’m so, so sorry.”

  I sob as he runs his fingers through my hair and over my back. I sniffle. “I can’t get the image of her lying there out of my head, Gavin. Every time I close my eyes, I see it. How am I supposed to go back to my apartment without seeing her dying on my living room floor? How do I make that go away?”

  “I don’t know how to make the images go away.” He squeezes me tighter. “You don’t have to go back there if you don’t want to, though. I can get anything you need from the house and you can stay here as long as you need to.”

  “That’s fine for now, but what about later? There’s a reason why we’ve lived there so long. It’s the cheapest place in town. I just can’t imagine going back.”

  “Shh,” he coos. “You don’t have to worry about that now. We’ll figure it out later.”

  “I can’t figure it out later!” I argue. “Don’t you get it? I have to figure out a plan now. If I don’t have a plan, if I don’t have something to focus on…I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this! I need something to focus on, Gavin.”

  He pulls me down with him until we’re both lying on the bed. “Kat, I’m right here with you. I will help you in whatever way you need me to. You’re not alone, baby. You don’t have to go through anything alone anymore.”

  I clutch his shirt in my fist and take a few moments to breathe.

  “She’s being cremated,” I mumble into his chest. “I have to figure out what I’m going to do with her ashes.”

  “We’ll figure it out together, Kat.” He continues rubbing my back. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Of course,” I sniff.

  “Why didn’t you call me? I could’ve taken an earlier flight. I could’ve been here with you.”

  “I didn’t think about it,” I answer honestly.

  He tries masking the pain I’ve inflicted but I see it. He braces his hands on my face and says, “Kat, we’re a team. I know you’re not used to leaning on someone, but you can count on me. I promise I will do everything in my power to take care of you. To be someone that you can depend on. You need to let me in. Okay?”

  “Okay,” I whisper.

  I have a sickening sense of déjà vu as I make my way into the frigid waters. There are a few differences this time though. For one, the box clutched tightly to my chest is a little heavier. And the ocean is colder—so cold that my legs are already numb after being submerged for only a few seconds. I’m older now too. Only by a few years, but I’ve gained significantly more wisdom since the last time I did this. Since the last time I poured someone’s ashes into the sea. How many times can one person do this and survive? I ask myself. I certainly wouldn’t wish this dread on anyone. There’s so much finality in this one act. Turning over the box is the hardest part, you know. Lifting the lid, rotating your wrists, and emptying the contents of the urn into the water. I had trouble doing it the first time, and this time is no different.

  The waves are crashing against my thighs, trying desperately to kick me out or pull me in further. The wind whips my hair as saltwater splashes onto my face, mixing with my tears. I begin to sway so I plant my feet deeper in the sand to stabilize myself. If only physically withstanding the elements could calm the inner turmoil raging inside of me. With each wave that comes, I experience a moment of panic. I know that I should get this over with; that I can only stay in the water for so long before hypothermia threatens, but I can’t. In this cardboard box lies the remains of the only family I have left. I truly am alone after this. Just me, myself, and I. As another wave ebbs, I contemplate leaving. Going back home with the box intact. Pretend this isn’t happening. That this isn’t my reality. Until I feel large hands encompassing my own.

  I blink rapidly to clear my blurry vision. I look into Gavin’s eyes and I’m reminded that I’m not alone after all. I know from the depths of my soul that this man would never abandon me. I’m instantly granted the strength I need to do this. The courage I need to face the truth.

  He nods toward the box. “We’ll do it together on the next wave. Okay?”

  I nod in agreement, unable to form words through the thickness in my throat.

  Gavin looks out toward the sea, and back to me as the next one rolls in. “Are you ready, Kat?”

  I nod once again.

  He lifts the lid and tightens his fingers around mine. The wave pounds against us, knocking us back a couple of feet before it begins to pull away. I know this is it; that I need to release the ashes as it’s going out. My hands falter as I begin to tip the box but Gavin lends me the force I need to complete the motion. Together, we invert the container and release my mother’s ashes into the Pacific. I breathe a sigh of relief that it’s over, and in the next moment, my knees buckle and I’m being swept away.

  “I’ve got you,” Gavin promises as he wraps his arms around my torso, pulling me back. “You’re safe with me, Kat.” His hold doesn’t waver as he pulls me into shore. “You’ll always be safe with me.”

  The conviction in his voice leaves no room for doubt. We towel off and change into the dry clothes we brought. Gavin grabs a blanket and wraps it tightly around our bodies as he pulls me into him. I curl into him as we sit on the roc
ky beach watching the sea. His warm breath fans across my face as he clutches me to his chest. I’m not sure how much time passes as we sit there in silence, but it’s enough to watch the sun descend across the sky. As the final rays of light dance across the water, I finally speak.

  “This is where I released my daughter’s ashes. This is where I go when I need to think. I’ve never brought anyone here before.”

  He squeezes me tighter. “I’m honored that you trusted me. That you let me see this part of you.”

  “Sometimes I feel like you see every part of me.” I shiver from the dropping temperature.

  He rubs his hands over my arms to create warmth. “Is that a bad thing?”

  I turn my face toward him. “No…I don’t know. It’s just…different. I try really hard not to be so transparent.”

  He places his palm on my cheek. “You don’t have to do that. I understand wanting to guard your secrets, but you never have to be someone you’re not. Not when you’re with me.”

  I sigh. “I worry that we’ve grown so close because of our circumstances. What happens when things calm down? When we no longer have to hide?”

  “I don’t know,” he replies earnestly. “What I do know, is that no one has ever made me feel the way you do. No one has ever compelled me to be a better man like you do. Hailey and I were together for almost five years and I never felt this strongly about her. I can’t imagine my world without you in it, Kat. That’s how I know you’re different. I hate that we can’t be together publicly. I can’t wait for the day when that’s no longer true. I want to show you off to the world; scream from the rooftops that you’re mine. Until that day comes, I just ask that you give me the chance to prove myself.”

  I turn into him fully and wrap my arms around his neck. “You’ve already proven yourself, Gavin. It’s crazy how fast everything has been, but I can’t imagine my life without you either. I’ve been burned so many damn times that I need you to be patient with me, though. I can’t magically make the doubt go away when it’s been instilled in me for so long. I do trust you. And I believe in us. It’s life in general that I worry about. Circumstances beyond our control. Fate has really fucked with me in the past and I just need time to get over that.”

  He presses his forehead against mine. “I’m not going anywhere, Kat. You can have all the time you need.”

  TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY BACK from winter break. Gavin thinks I should take some time considering I just laid my mom to rest two days ago but I disagree. I need some semblance of normalcy right now. Focusing on schoolwork and the everyday minutia within these walls will help keep me distracted. I’m still not ready to go back to the club but it’s only a matter of time before that needs to happen as well. For now, I can’t bear the thought of running into Marcus. He would, undoubtedly, remind me of my mom which is something I don’t need. By no means am I in denial that she’s gone, but I can’t afford to allow that fact to control my emotions. I lost it when I met him at the funeral home to pick up her ashes. Seeing the grief so openly reflected on his face ripped me apart. When I invited him along to the beach, he refused. He said that his wife was not in that box. Her spirit and effervescence were not contained within a bunch of ashes. He wanted to remember her as she was and he couldn’t do that if he watched her remains being washed away by the ocean. Quite frankly, I don’t blame him. It’s certainly not an event that I’ll ever forget.

  “Oh, honey, there you are!” Bree pulls me into a hug. “Kat, I’m so sorry.”

  I pull back and take a deep breath to collect myself. “Thanks, Bree. What are you doing here?”

  She’s standing right outside my second period class. Gavin’s class. “I was waiting for you. I got in right before the bell rang for first, so I had to wait until second period to find you. I stopped by your apartment several times but you weren’t there. Where’ve you been?”

  I shrug. “I’ve been staying with a friend.”

  Bree looks confused. “What friend? As far as I know, Dylan and I are it. And I know you weren’t with him because he’s been worried too.”

  “I’ve been…seeing someone,” I say quietly. “I’m crashing at his place for a while.”

  Now she looks shocked. “What? Who? And since when?”

  “A little while,” I say and shrug, trying to make my relationship with Gavin seem much more casual than it is. “You don’t know him. He’s…older.”

  “Why am I just finding out about this now?” She looks hurt and I can’t really blame her. “Kat, I’m sorry; I don’t mean to question you like this after what just happened, but I’ve been worried about you. Really worried about you. When can I meet this guy? It’s my job as your bestie to make sure he’s good enough for you.” She adds a smile at the end, obviously trying to inject some levity into the situation.

  Shit, how am I going to say this without making her feel even worse?

  “Um…you can’t meet him. Not right now, but I promise you will soon. Things are…complicated right now. We’re not ready to go public.”

  She scowls. “What the hell, Kat? Is he married?”

  “No,” I say vehemently. “Bree, please just trust me on this. He’s wonderful. Probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But I can’t tell you any more than that right now. When the time is right, you’ll understand. I just can’t say more now.”

  The warning bell rings, indicating that we only have a minute before the next class begins.

  “Shit, I need to haul ass to math.” She pulls me into another hug. “We’ll talk more about this later. I’ll see you at lunch. Okay?”

  “’Kay,” I nod.

  “Kitty!” I stop right before walking into class when I hear Dylan’s voice. I turn around and see him jogging down the hall.

  “Hey, Dyl.”

  “Come here.”

  He braces his hand on the back of my head and pulls me into him. He’s almost a foot taller than me so my face is smashed into his chest. I choke back the sob that’s threatening to break loose as I fall into the comfort he’s offering. This is one of the things that I love most about Dylan. We don’t need to fill the silence with words. We can just be. Despite all of the tension between us since Gavin and I got together, he’s still one of my best friends. I really don’t know what I’d do without him. He pulls back when someone clears their throat behind me.

  “Miss Kennedy,” Gavin says. “Mr. Taylor. Please take your seats so we can begin class.”

  Dylan frowns at him but wisely doesn’t say anything to draw attention to us. As I’m walking through the door, I feel Gavin’s little finger hooking onto mine.

  “You okay?” he whispers.

  Serenity washes over me from the innocent gesture but that disappears the second our fingers disengage. I nod discreetly and walk past him to the back of the classroom and take my seat.

  Gavin shuts the door behind him and walks to the podium to address the class. “Welcome back everyone. Did you enjoy your break?”

  A chorus of mumbled responses scatters throughout the room. Gavin briefly makes eye contact and gives me a sad smile before averting his gaze.

  “I hope you’re all feeling refreshed because we have a lot to do. This week we’re focusing on college admission and scholarship essays. Since this is the time of year when most applications are sent in, it’s important that we dive right into it. The essay is one of the most important components of your application. It’s a chance to add depth to something that’s important to you. Ultimately, it should convey to the committee why that particular university or scholarship would be a good fit for you. It also gives you a chance to showcase your personality and how you might contribute to the campus community.”

  Gavin walks over to the projector and flips the switch. “Essays should use this formatting unless specified otherwise.”

  I read through the bullet points listed on the white board as he continues.

  He presses a button on his computer. “These are two common writing prompts that
you’ll see out there: ‘Who has been the most influential person in your life?’ and ‘Describe a major hurdle or obstacle you've had to overcome.’ I want you to choose one of these prompts and write your own essay. I’m passing out a packet with six examples of what worked. They are distinct and unique to the individual writer; however, each of them assisted the reader in learning more about the student beyond the transcripts and lists of activities provided in their applications. The purpose of these examples is to inspire you as you prepare to compose your own personal statements. The most important thing to remember is to be original and creative as you share your own story, thoughts, and ideas. Any questions?”

  I tune them out as Gavin distributes handouts and fields several questions from other students. I ponder my topic choices for what seems like hours. I cringe as I stare at the whiteboard, thinking about how loaded each question is, with both carrying the potential to expose something supremely raw. Something I definitely don’t want to share with anyone, especially a group of strangers deciding whether or not I’m fit to attend their university. I guess I’m going to have to bite the bullet, though, if I have any chance of getting out of Coastal Oregon. I read through the examples and see that two of them talk about their moms. Both woman suffered from cancer. One made it; one did not. The words begin to blur as tears roll down my cheeks and drip onto the paper. I don’t even realize that I’m crying until I see the first drop hit the page.

  I look up when I hear my name being whispered and see several of my classmates staring at me with equal parts pity and discomfort. That’s the funny thing about death, or any horrible event really. Your pain makes other people uncomfortable. They tend to think they should follow some unspoken protocol when bad things happen yet they have no idea what that may be. So instead, they avoid you, try pretending like nothing happened, or offer useless words. I look away from them and wipe my eyes just as the bell rings. I see Dylan approaching me but I shake my head causing him to change course. I leap out of my chair and into Gavin’s arms the second I hear him close the door.